There are a few things I have learned from being single in my thirties. First of all, things are more complicated than when I was single in my twenties. Back then life was fun and new and exciting. Sure there was heartache, but it was mild in comparison with what I've dealt with the past few years. Well, I don't know, I've had three major heartaches in my life, one was my husband, and one was Matt, who was before my husband, so in my twenties. The point I'm making, though, is that there's more history and baggage to deal with now.
There has been one major complication that I think is more common in this age group. It is something that has interfered in two of my relationships within the past year (so... both of them). I have learned that in dating in my thirties, I need to always ask a specific question early on:
"Are you secretly in love with someone else."
I was aware of the first one. I knew they had a history, I just didn't know what it was. I also didn't develop interest purposefully. He was my friend. The more I got to know him the more I saw qualities my heart had been missing in a partner for a very long time. His testimony shined through. His interests matched mine. His sense of humor and intellect were up to my standards. I was still cautious and hesitant to move forward, especially since this wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to date first thing after my divorce. I wanted to date around, kiss some guys, and make some bad decisions. This guy was no bad decision. Until he was.
The second time it happened I was blindsided. This next guy spent months showing me that he liked me and making me blush and annoying me with his attention. Once I chose to let him in he seemed to pull away. I had no inklings of another girl. I didn't know that it was a necessary question to ask. I didn't realize what was holding him back. Now I know.
Next time, before my heart gets involved, I'll ask the damn question.
I usually edit out the swear words before I publish my posts, but this really just makes me so mad. I'm annoyed that I have to deal with the complexities of dating in my thirties and I'm doubtful I will find someone who doesn't have hang ups and baggage like this and is still able to meet my needs and understand the hardship I've gone through.
I'm a really good person. And humble, too. But I really do want others to be happy. For example, there's this guy I sort of have a crush on, but I think he's secretly in love with this other girl (So obviously my type, right). I look at them and I literally predict their interactions, and I think, Why the crap are you not dating? For them, it should be easy. They seem to be compatible, why are you hesitating? Is it because you're both in your thirties and I'm guessing you've both been through some hard ship?
I am actually really happy for the first guy. I'm pretty sure he's been in love with this other girl for like three years and he's finally making it happen. It doesn't bother me to see them together. I also really appreciate him talking to me before he made things publicly official with them. He didn't need to, our friendship had basically ended, but he did anyway.
His arms were full and I offered to help him carry his load to his car. He declined but told me he wanted to clarify something he had said a few months prior (when we had stopped dating). He said that he could go on dates with me but he couldn't fall in love because of this other girl. He told me that I had done everything right and to keep doing what I was doing. He said kind things to me that he didn't have to say, but he did because, like I said before, he's just that kind of guy.
The second guy didn't talk to me beforehand. I don't know what he was thinking or why he didn't think about how it would look or how it would affect me. He did eventually reach out to explain what had happened. I think about how my life would have been simplified if he had just been up front with me. If he hadn't spent months showering me with attention and then accepting my affection. I still feel sick when I think I might have to see him again. It makes me not want to go anywhere. But I know I shouldn't live my life in fear, because that's not really living.
While I was processing this information I was feeling down on myself for having, yet again, been the person to push someone I care about into someone else's arms. I felt like God was playing a joke on me - I have felt like this before during my marriage. I felt like God was using me as a steppingstone and I was so sick of being walked on and stepped over. When will it be my turn? Do I not get to have love? Will I ever get to be chosen? I took my whiny and pathetic questions to the Lord and He answered, saying:
I have orchestrated this all for you. His pain was for you. So that you could get to know him. So that you could learn from him. You were not his steppingstone, he was yours.
I shared this with my sister who thought it was profound. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, but looking at the quality of men I have had in my life since my divorce (or even before that), I think it's going to be pretty awesome. Whether there's a man in it or not. I wouldn't say I'm thriving, but I am striving to put my trust in the Lord, and that's pretty close.
I have spoken.
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