Vulnerability and the Perfect Man

Satan has been working on me a lot lately. Back in February I went to a conference and heard Henry Ammar speak. He was amazing. But toward the end of his talk I heard a clear voice in my mind tell me, "You are alone." I had been having a full, fun, friend-filled weekend (I love alliteration, don't you?). I was sitting in the middle of a group of friends. But I thought, "yeah, I am alone." I could see myself laying in my bed that night all alone in my empty house. I felt hallow. I began swirling into a wallowing drain of misery when a light appeared in front of my eyes. The actual room got brighter. And I realized, "I'm not alone!" I have friends on both sides of me, I have kids who freaking adore me, and I have a supportive family. Most importantly, I have a Savior who is by my side always.

After his talk, I had the impression that I needed to go give him a hug. I don't usually do this, and it was not because he's an attractive, successful, and full of faith mid-single. I brushed it off and we went to find the refreshments. But this thought kept nagging at me. So I told my friends about it and we decided to go get in line to talk with him, and so that I could give him a hug. I don't think he hugs everyone but that was the first thing he did when it was our turn. He hugged me. And then he did it again in the middle of our conversation, and again after we spoke and were saying goodbye. I'm not sure who needed the hug, if it was him or me, but I'm grateful that he lives his life so close to the Lord that he acts on promptings immediately. He lives his life being vulnerable. And look where it's gotten him!

I share this story because it illustrates what I'm going through so perfectly. I felt vulnerable when I was prompted to go hug him. I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. I needed to learn to embrace vulnerability (no pun intended).

This was also the first time I called out satan. I recognized that it was him who told me I was alone and I pushed back. Naively, I thought I had conquered that trial, like, suck it, satan, what else you got? But he's come back at me with this same thing over and over again in the past several months.

He's sneaky about it, too. Throwing the same feelings and message at me from different angles. The hateful self-talk he plants in my mind runs wild from small things to big things like:

"You're alone."
"You don't have your kids"
"Your husband didn't want you."
"No one has ever wanted you."
"You've never had a successful relationship."
"Your sisters are moving forward without you."
"You are forgotten."
"No one has ever really loved you."
"No one would notice or care if you weren't there."

I have felt some relief from these messages for the past month or so since I received a blessing. This was one of the best blessings I've ever had. There were lots of things weighing me down, and I didn't tell him about my personal demons because it felt too vulnerable, but he addressed them specifically. I'm sure without even realizing it. He said that the Lord would protect me spiritually. This is something I pray for regularly, not usually for myself, but for my children, since they have to go into a spiritual battleground weekly. But it was a sacred thing to hear that reassuring message. I am just now realizing that it is not just protection from leaving the church or abandoning my God, but also from these lies that satan feeds me.



I'm annoyed that so much of my time right now is spent overanalyzing and thinking about relationships, but I think it's also important. I am shy by nature. It's hard for me to reach out to people. I worry about taking up too much of other peoples time with what I have to say. And I've heard that you are not supposed to dominate the conversation, if you want someone to like you (in any way). But sometimes this notion gets in my way. So lately I've been praying to be able to talk naturally with people without worrying about any of that.

Vulnerability is such an important part of this. We need to let ourselves feel vulnerable in order to progress. It's one of those necessities that i just love -- love to hate, that is. I've been trying extra hard lately to let myself be vulnerable, because I know I need to be if I want certain aspects of my life to change. But it is SO HARD!

Aspects like my love life. I am loyal. Even in liking guys (crushes). I've always tended to have long lasting feelings. When I love, I love with my whole heart. It's easy to hold back, because no one wants to get hurt. I've been hurt before. Like, my heart has been broken, and then crushed, and then thrown in a mortar pestle and ground down to dust. But somehow, miraculously, it has been mended, and hopefully it is stronger for the beating.

Now I am trying to be objective and rational about things, and really choose someone who measures up to my standards. I need someone who has the important qualities I'm looking for, and that includes the way they make me feel. Because of certain things that I've gone through, I need someone who will make me feel secure in their feelings for me. Right now that means pursuing me in dating. Later, that will mean more things like understanding my love languages. I never want to feel the way my ex-husband made me feel ever again. So I'm cautious.

Here's a funny story. I got my haircut a couple weeks ago. You know how they always try to make small talk? Well this time was no different:

Her: Is this your natural hair color?
Me: No, I like my hair brown, but my sister convinced me to go blonde for the summer.
Her: How long have you been dying your hair?
Me: Since my divorce was final in October.
Her: Oh, so are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, not really.
Her: Do you ever use online dating?
Me: Uh, I've tried a dating app, but I kind of hate it. I don't think it's for me.
Her: Oh, yeah, you can meet some pretty weird people on there.
Me: Exactly (examples)
Her: Well, do you ever go out?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like, to bars.

Me: No.
Her: Oh.

Me: (awkward silence)
Her: So what do you look for in a guy?

Me: Um... (my usual answer is a testimony) I like smart guys who can have intelligent conversations. And I like guys who like to play games and have fun.
Her: Oh, I love playing games!

The conversation continued, but I realized later that she was probably wondering how the heck I expect to meet people! I guess I could have told her, "Well, I love Jesus! And I really just want a guy who loves Jesus as much as I love Jesus!!" She would have thought I was a southern baptist or something. I guess I could have told her that I meet people at church, because that's where the people who love Jesus are! 

Her questions got me thinking and I thought it would be fun to write it down. If I were to design a perfect guy for me he would:

have a testimony and nourishes it daily
attend the temple regularly
pursue me
be super smart
never look at his phone while in my company
take pictures of us together
take pictures of me with my children

have a career

love learning

be kind

take me dancing

go hiking with me (oh how I miss hiking)

not have an addiction

never seek out anti stuff
let himself be vulnerable

love to travel

have money to travel

write me notes

reassure me

praise me

love me

be a foodie

get along with my family (at least as well as I do)
be ready to give me or my children a blessing at any time
not be scared off by my baggage or the fact that I'm divorced
want more children with me

be taller than me
not be too tall

really, really LOVE Jesus 

I'm sure I could add to this list, and at the same time subtract from it. Sure, maybe not everything is reasonable. And lacking a couple would certainly not be a deal-breaker. Mostly, I think I have these qualities, and I am worthy of having someone who will reciprocate. Additionally, my top love languages are quality time and physical touch. So I would want someone who could fulfill my needs in those areas.

I know no one is perfect. But I want someone who will work along side me to become perfect together. To be perfected in Christ.

The Prodigal Son

I have LOVED reading and studying the Bible this year!

I enjoy the Come, Follow Me curriculum and have learned a lot through personal revelation and discussions with others in groups like institute. This week I had things stand out to me that improved my life, but the parable of the Prodigal Son was not part of this. During my institute class, however, our teacher, Brother Tom Christofferson, said this was the best parable of them all. He obviously related to it and loves it for his own reasons. But the discussion that ensued frustrated me.

The class focused on how the son who stayed should also be called the prodigal son because of his selfishness.They judged him harshly. My perspective is different. Either I'm wrong or Jesus was able to teach in parables that have so much depth that both ways of looking at it could be true. I think it depends on the lesson we each need. Here are some of my thoughts.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

The son who left home basically told his father he wished he was dead by asking for his inheritance. He took the money that he thought he was entitled to, without knowing or caring how to use it. He left and squandered it on harlots and who knows what else. I think of my ex husband and his brothers, specifically the one who had the most money. They choose to seek out drugs and alcohol and "harlots" without thought of how it would affect the ones who actually care about them. Feelings of betrayal arise here.

This Little Piggy Stayed Home

The other son stayed home and worked with his father. He learned how to succeed his fathers business. He worked long hours, feeding the fatted calf, etc, and being loyal to his family. He chose to make sacrifices. Give up things he wanted, even if it was just the weakness of the flesh. He chose to stay faithfully. Trusting, that one day, his hard work, perhaps of fattening up that calf, would pay off, and he would feast on his labors. He couldn't see the bigger picture. He didn't understand there was infinitely more for him.

This Little Piggy had Roast Beef

When the son who left ran out of money and therefore friends, he hit rock bottom. He faced a fate worse than death. He fed and ate with the swine. Remember, in this culture, swine were unclean. Starving, and filthy, and I'm sure stinking of the unclean creature to which he felt he was equal, he defeatedly, returned to his father, not to regain what he left, but to be a servant to his family. Upon seeing him stagger closer, his loving father ran to him to embrace him and rejoice that he had changed and returned. Holding his child in his arms, he would be able to feel his bones through the rags he was wearing, and choke on the stench of a pigsty. He didn't give him a chance to propose his plan before he ordered his workers to bring him shoes, a robe, and a ring worthy of a king. He had the fatted calf killed for a feast in his honor. This was truly a day of rejoicing, for someone most cherished and loved repented. Returned to their Father. And was no more lost.

This Little Piggy had None

When the son who stayed found out what had happened he was upset. Yes, this is selfish and not Christlike, but think about what he was going through. His brother, who he maybe looked up to, who should have been his best friend, who should have stayed and helped with the work, abandoned him. It wasn't just their father who lost someone he loved, it was this brother, too. He must have felt hurt. Angry. Sad. Confused. His initial reaction was human. He had spent time fattening that calf, after all.  He had resisted the temptations of the flesh. He had stayed with his father to become more like him. And I think he did. He just wasn't perfect yet. He had forgotten the lavish meals he ate daily and the comfort he was never without. He hadn't seen the emaciated body of his brother and been able to realize his suffering. He had only imagined the parties he had been to and the ladies he had been with.

This Little Piggy Cried WEE WEE WEE all the way home
When the son who left came home, he was crying. He had sunk so low that he wanted to be a servant just so he wouldn't be a swine.

This Little Piggy Cried WE WE WE all the way home
When the son who stayed spoke with his father, who had journeyed out to talk with him when he wouldn't come in for the feast because he wanted to feast with him also, the son pointed out that he had been serving his father faithfully and without transgressing all along. He explained why he was so upset and how it didn't seem fair. WE have been working all this time. What has he done to deserve a feast? He thought that feast should be for him. Other than righteous duty, why else would he have been working so hard? His father, as many times previous, I'm sure, took the opportunity to enlighten and enlarge his sons mind. He taught him that this one feast is for his brother, because there is great cause for rejoicing. But reassured him that he will receive so much more. Truly, ALL that the father has is his inheritance.

It's okay to be upset about things, but never forget that Gods ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. We can't always understand His will, but He has a plan for us and a reward. And it is bigger and better than we can imagine for ourselves. It is longer lasting than anything we can think up and more fulfilling than any carnal desire.