Who Am I ??!

Growing up I knew exactly who I was. 

First and foremost, I was a child of God. 

I was a beloved daughter and sister in my family. I was the redheaded, middle-child, artist, who loved to climb trees and play in the mud.

In college I wanted to break out of my shy shell, so I prayed to be more witty. And I made sure to be socially active. As I went to BYU that means a lot of game nights, hikes, movie nights, random adventures, prayer circles, dances, and maybe even a special guest lecturer, and so on.

As I've grown older I've realized one of my key identities has been sister to The Great Becky Boughan (now Walton)! I have always looked up to her. I have always heeded her counsel, and worried about disappointing her. I was a copy of her. And that is no bad thing! Becky is my best friend and I look up to her in every way. And not just because she's taller than I am. 

We walk in sync.

We laugh at the same things.

We look alike, after all, we are twins - separated at birth by two years.

The biggest difference is our hands. We are not identical hand twins. We sometimes joke that we forget which one we are, so we say, "Who am I?" dramatically and check our hands. hahaha. I can't even write that without giggling. We're hilarious. 

But

Then I got married and had to live with a boy. Sure he was smart and funny and hansom. But he wasn't Becky. Now I had to learn who I was as a married woman. Who didn't get to live with her sister, the famous Becky Boughan. It was very hard. Thankfully we didn't live far from each other so we still got to see each other almost everyday. Life was mostly good

But THEN

My husband and I did something we swore we'd never do. We moved back to the hottest, driest, ugliest place we knew of: Arizona. This is where hell fire rains and burns you from the bottom of your feet if you dare go barefoot. Or stings your skin if you leave the cool inside for even a moment. And don't get me started on what can happen in a car... 

But the worst hellfire was when my husband who I had chosen for his spiritual knowledge and dedicated lifestyle, denounced God and turned against me. He seemed to despise me because I wouldn't let go of what I knew to be true. I cannot see light and declare it darkness. Even when I'm having darkness thrown at me like stones used to silence. 

That journey through hellfire was touch-erous. It pushed me to compromise rules that I had lived by in order to be a "good Mormon," and to be like Becky, and to not let her down. But going out to eat with his family on an occasional Sunday or watching an MA show together was worth it in order to try to connect with the man I made a commitment to. But all the compromises seemed to be on my part.

I would sit late at night and write down as many of his good qualities I could think of, which was not easy at this point. I was so broken down. He would write late at night about all the things he disliked about me. Trying vs. not trying, I guess. Or maybe we were just trying for different things. He was trying to push me away, and I was trying to hold on to my life. I felt like a loose tooth about to come, but I was holding on for dear life. Holding on to God. Trusting Him. Waiting for my Sunday.

I was doing the same thing I did with Becky, and if I really think about it, all the rest of the friends I've ever been really close with. I was letting myself mold into someone they would approve of. But who is the person I approve of? What do I even like doing? What genre of book or movie actually interests me? What am I even good at? Now that I've been through a divorce, let me assure you, I know many things I am not good at.

Don't worry, my story gets happy again. I met a great guy, who recognized how amazing I was. he saw past the baggage I was holding from the trauma I endured for two years. He'd hold me and let me cry when I missed my kids. He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Not the greatest fiancé, though. Especially when he ghosted me. Three weeks before our wedding day.

Now I've been abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, stand by me, defend me, and protect me most in the world. Twice. 

So now I ask with earnest heart. WHO AM I?

At the end of my marriage I went to Art to try to remember who I was. I painted a lot of barren desert landscapes. My reasoning was because that is what's real. Have no clue what influence that body of work.

Then I moved on to drawing high emotions. Faces that have felt tragedy. 

But now I feel discouraged by art. I'm insanely talented. My skill that far surpasses people who are making a lot of money and generating a lot of views. I've pivoted to working in aviation and I'm overall incredibly happy there. I like my coworkers and my flight benefits. But I'm still searching for who I am and what I like.

I've thought through every stage of my life. 

Early childhood I remember riding my bike. Following Becky and her friends around. Climbing trees. Playing Super Mario Bros. Watching clouds change shapes. Kitties.

Teen years I learned pottery, printmaking, photography, and broadened my overall artistic knowledge. I like making forts and rivers outside. I went to mutual and girls camp. Becky didn't like girls camp, so I felt some turmoil because I kind of did. I actually thought it was really fun and I liked sliding down the muddy mountain side in the rain, making up silly skits, talking to other girls who weren't the stuck up brats in my ward. I always looked forward to the fourth year, because that's when they got to go kayaking. Becky hated her fourth year. It was too hot and sunny for her. She's more of an indoor princess. But, When my fourth year came we didn't get to do any of that because our state was engulfed in forest fires. But my favorite part of camp was the singing trees. When we all went out to thick trees with our flashlights and sat in our own ward groups. Then one by one each group would shine their light up into the branches and sing our prepared song. it was beautiful. and powerful.

In college I found myself keeping a journal to help work through my thoughts and feelings. I would often go up the Provo canyon to feel peace and think. Just being in nature and letting myself feel grounded was so nourishing to my soul. I went to the temple a lot. And I majored in Art.

The common thing throughout my life that has brought me comfort and joy, other than art, has been nature. Being outside. Being close to God's creations. Even when I was married we would go on hikes. God's earth brings me closer to Him. Which brings me closer to who I am. 

A child of God.

Parenting Styles

One of the most ridiculous "issues" in our relationship was our differing parenting styles. But here's the thing. I have a parenting style, he doesn't. So the fact that he let that scare him so much was really dumb, because he didn't do any research on what parenting styles are. The pros and cons of each of them. And he never tried to define what mine was or his was. 

This frustrated me because for a long time he used it as the main reason why we couldn't get married. He has since admitted the true reason and has shown true sorrow and remorse. His honesty and openness recently has somehow freed me and has allowed me to talk about what I've been through.

Here's the parallel I've found. Trevor taught me how to play poker, it has become something we both enjoy. I enjoy playing passively, and have zero interest in becoming an expert, a shark, or a professional. He, however, has had a lot of experience playing. He has read books. He follows poker players on YouTube. He has taken trips to play full time. He has made a lot of money learning and developing this skill. For him, he views it intellectually more than recreationally. I have learned a lot about it alongside him. He's always had a knack for numbers and statistics, which all goes into poker. It really is an incredible and complex game.

While he has spend hours learning and studying the game of poker, and practicing what he's learned in real life, I too, have studied, and implemented all I could about being a good parent. From college courses, to online articles, to mom groups, to tiktoks discussions. I have immersed in motherhood and parenthood. I have prayed and received blessings, and counseled in therapy, and have listened to the gentle guiding's from the Spirit as to how to handle the things my kids go through. 

I am a good mom.

I know what my kids need. I'm in tune with their needs. God has given me stewardship over them, and as a righteous daughter of God, and a single mom, I am empowered with the specific divine wisdom I need to raise strong, compassionate, emotionally stable, God-trusting women. I am not coddling them when I react in love or kindness. I am not being a pushover when I listen to their thoughts or feelings and have a conversation with them instead of dismissing them. I validate them and their feelings and I do all I can to meet their needs. 

Kindness matters.

And the thing that really gets me is the fact that the qualities he found to be so different than his idea of what parenting should be, are the things he loved and appreciated in me in our relationship. There are no double standards with me. I'm not going to treat him with gentleness and my kids with harshness. I don't think that punishment is the best form of rehabilitation. It's obvious it didn't work for him, so why the f would I want to incorporate that in parenting my children??

I read an article recently that spurred this entry into existence. It was about a video a mom made about being raised by boomers and how she has had to re-parent herself. As a psychotherapist she learned the destructive normalities of each generations parenting styles. She talked about what was normal for millennials growing up, and the negative purpose of the consequences we had as children.

Punishment is intended to let the receiver feel hurt or pain from their poor choice.

Instead of teaching kids what is expected or how to handle or react to things, our parents would say things like "because I said so, that's why." "Go to your room." We were put in time out or spanked. Or in some cases beaten or ridiculed. Still, my generation, or at least my sisters and I, were treated like humans. 

Switches or Hot Wheel tracks were used before my time. And children should be seen and not heard had been the norm not too long before that. 

~~~~~

If you google parenting Styles this is what comes up:

Parenting styles can range from controlling and demanding to loving and receptive. Some common parenting styles include:

• Authoritarian

  Parents are restrictive and punitive, with firm limits and little verbal exchange. They emphasize following directions and demand obedience without considering the child's point of view.
• Authoritative

  Parents are firm but loving, providing nurturing, emotional support, discipline, and guidance. They encourage independence within limits, and this style is often recommended as the best modern-day parenting style.
• Permissive

  Parents are loving but don't exert much control, and there are low levels of demandingness. This style can be indulgent or neglectful.
• Neglectful

  Parents are uninvolved and emotionally unavailable, not providing emotional support or guidance and taking minimal responsibility for their children's welfare. They may be literally not at home or simply don't give their children any attention at all.
• Attachment

  This loving style focuses on healthy parent-child attachment and bonding, and is meant to help children feel secure and connected to their guardians.
• Helicopter

  This variation of authoritarian parenting is when parents are overly involved in their child's life, often hovering over them to make sure they are safe. They have a strong desire to control all outcomes of the child's life.

While I have a lot of fear and anxiety about the idiotic choices and ignorant leniency of my ex-husband, I strive to allow my children to take risks as safely as possible. I have also witnessed parents of my students helicopter parent, and it was heartbreaking to see their need for control diminish their child's creativity and confidence.

I think My parenting style is a hybrid of Authoritative and Attachment and I'm ok with that.

Still a compliment

I saw trevor after work yesterday. we had lunch and then he let me take a nap next to him before he woke me up so we could go to his cousins pre-wedding dinner. his mom seemed happy to see me, but i felt awkward at first. 

i'm feeling so much lighter. i feel like he was open with me and we cried and talked so much and i got so much clarity and answers. i trust my gut and it's been telling me he was hiding something. now i feel like there's nothing else he's hiding. l feel comfortable and safe. he's also made an effort to touch me (hold my hand, hold me, etc, very respectful)

we were both super emotional and crying and talking and feeling all the feelings. I had taken my piedmont water bottle with me and it fell and the straw broke in a casino. i took the two pieces of my straw out and turned the top thing sideways so i could just sip out of it. well i took a sip of water on the way home and there was one shard of straw left in the cup apparently. it stabbed the back of my throat and got lodged there. i panicked. i was coughing and freaking out. he instantly took control and calmed me down. "You're ok. you can still breathe, you can get it out." etc. it was amazing. 

He took me to church with him, which is a big deal in our culture. We go to a 31-45 singles only church, so it's sort of like making a statement. 

Over this last week I've had my kids so I haven't gotten to see him at all, but we've talked everyday. We tried to figure out times to see each other but I still want to limit my kids interaction with his family. 

Finally some clarity

The other night Trevor and I finally really talked about what happened and where we are now. We both cried a lot. He cried more than I did once he saw me tear up. I love that he has such a sensitive soul.

He said he was just scared and couldn't move forward. He couldn't move at all. He was frozen inside himself. Now he feels like it would be moving backward if we go back to dating but he's not ready to get married so it leaves us in limbo. I don't see it that way. We are both different people now. In different stages of our lives. I see it as starting a new relationship. I have specific boundaries in order to protect my kids. Like I don't really want to involve them until he's completely sober, with the exception of the helpful, stabilizing, prescribed medications. He's also starting a business and taking serious steps to being more responsible. It's about damn time. But he's grown up a lot since he's met me. 

In our conversation I told him about the touch I need to feel wanted (non-sexual touch like holding hands or just placing his hand on my leg or back), and that if I don't get it, I feel like he doesn't want me in his life. I know that's not true but for people who's love language is physical touch, that's just the way we perceive the world. He explained that he does want me in his life. It crushed him to hear that, but he doesn't want to be tempted to go too far, so he just doesn't touch me as much. Happily, he held my hands and held me close immediately.

This conversation brought a lot of clarity, but I still felt there was something he was keeping from me. I have been vigilant in checking for signs of drug use. He's been losing weight. His eyes seem farther apart. He gets agitated easily. The are excuses for most of these that make sense for the most part, but this is the area I can trust him to be untrustworthy. When he's sick, he makes excuses.

He's been telling me that he's messed up in the head. There are some codependency issues with his dad that I've known about through our whole relationship. He values his opinion over everything else. Not in a respectful, honor thy father and thy mother way, but in a way where he looks to his dad as if he were a prophet or a god. As if his dad knows the future. As if his dad is his savior.

In many ways this makes sense. Because of the things Trevor has been through, his dad has gone to extraordinary lengths to help him. Rehabs. Detox with lower doses. Opportunities galore. His dad treats him like a person, not a junkie. But then, I have also done all of those things. Except when I helped him detox I didn't give him a lower dose. He went cold turkey. It cost me my job. I Got him to rehab. I gave him CPR when he was unresponsive. I helped him get his teeth fixed. I helped him in so many ways. which is why I'm baffled as to why his parents don't like me. 

His mom never reached out to me when Trevor went dark. Not a, "I hope you're okay." Not a, "I'm so sorry this happened." And certainly not a, "I really wanted you to be my daughter in law." I had thought we were friends. I thought we were close. Her abandoning me was almost as hard as him doing it. It's still something I'm working through.

Trevor said that his parents really like this girl that he used to date like 10 years ago, but he's friends with her. He said his dad always asks about how she's doing. I don't care what friends he has. I trust him in that area, but the fact that he's getting this feedback from his dad, to go date her and not me. I feel betrayed. I always thought his dad was genuine, but he seems to be as fake as the girl I knew in college who called everyone "friend." So now, even though he loves me and wants to be with me, he has this impression that because his dad wants him to be with this other girl it will happen in the future. Even though there's no interest there on either side. I can get over a lot of things and I do really trust that he's faithful to me. But it hurts knowing his parents fake a smile when they see me.

I'm feeling a lot of things.

I am feeling grateful that he's being honest with me. That he finally opened up about what's been going on with him. It baffles my mind that his parents would rather hold him back than to encourage him to move forward and be happy. My goal is eternal salvation. It seems to me that they should want that for him.

It's been really hard and emotional, but also cathartic and healing and has brought a lot of clarity to my mind and comfort to my heart. He keeps telling me he wants me in his life but he has to figure out the attachment issues between him and his dad. So I guess I have to keep being patient with him. And I'm okay with that, so long as he keeps being honest with me.

If he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t have felt the need to be open and honest. That took a lot of courage. He confides so much in me, more than anyone else in his life. I'm his rock and he obviously doesn’t see that with anyone else. I know he loves his parents, but he needs to get to a point where he trusts himself and they need to support him in that and let him go so he can progress in life and have a family of his own.

"you carried me there"

 I heard this song randomly on the radio last night and it hit me harder than I thought it would at this point. Sat in my car and let myself cry for a little bit.

You told me I was the one you couldn't live without

And the way that you said it, I believed it like a vow (like a vow)

Maybe I got carried away, and baby, that's fair

But you can't call me crazy 'cause you carried me there

The way that you said it, I believed it like a vow

Don't mean nothing now

Have you ever been left when you should have been loved?

Yes. Too many times. 

Enough

 I think that Trevor doesn't believe that he's good enough for me.

I don't know if it's a conscious thought or not, but considering some of his comments and choices I think there is a lot more self doubt, loathing, and low self esteem that he struggles with.

A couple years ago when he was in rehab. He grew a lot and healed a lot and study a lot of spiritually strengthening material. I was really proud of the progress he was making. I was never ashamed of him or his mental health disease. Nevertheless, when we would talk on the phone he would express a fear that I may not like him or want to be with him when he got out.

When he was released we went to the temple grounds to enjoy the peace of it and spend some quiet moments together. He asked me if I wanted to ponder there at the temple to have the guidance to walk away from him. 

Both of these experiences left me perplexed. The fact that he could keep trying to be better - even in the midst of a heavy burden that takes the strength out of your decision making and sucks the literal life out of you - showed me how strong he was.

The fact that we both wanted to go to the temple to spend time with God made me feel safe and loved.

But he feared.

Feared what, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps he feared that I wouldn't love him if he didn't need me. Need me to be strong for him. To be a guiding light for him. Need me to fix him. But that is never why I loved him or chose him. Not entirely. I'm glad that I was strong enough to save him. I was the one who took care of him and monitored him when he had to detox. I was the one who broke through the door to give him CPR when he collapsed in the bathroom. 

~~~~~

Then just this last week he asked me if he could fly somewhere and I told him that I had taken him off my flight benefit. He was surprised. My answer also surprised him. And disappointed him. I told him I had to come to terms with him not wanting to be committed to me anymore. 

"What?!?" He protested and then asked if it was a recent realization after having spent the day hanging out by the temple? 

I told him NO. and that I have been holding out hope. Praying for him to want me. Coming too close to not existing anymore. And honestly, EVERY time I have prayed about him, I get an undeniable positive feeling. I wish I could feel like God disapproved of him. It would make it so much easier to walk away.

But we have been spending time together. We've been talking and sharing. Hence his knowledge of me going to the temple. And he expressed that he thought it was going really well, not committed yet, "but I thought it was going good not bad."

I'm reteaching my brain and heart to not hope for things when I hear this. Like maybe we're on the path that will lead to that. I don't want to be on that path. That path is muddy and stickery and haunted and leads to a dead-end. I'm not interested. Nope. No thank you.

~~~~~

When we first started dating I asked him if he was going to leave me for an ex girlfriend that he was secretly still in love with. He told me no way! And that he loved me. 

Well wouldn't you know it. His rebound is an ex girlfriend who is also an addict. I feel like he's not afraid to be a shit human being around her because she is also a shit human being. The problem is that he is not a shit human being. He just thinks he is.

I have actually considered if I'm wrong.

I do know that the fact that he's not ready to recommit to m Maybe they are meant to be together. Maybe I was just a place holder for him while she was married to REDACTED I don't know. But if I believe the things God had shown me, I really don't believe that.e makes me feel like shit.

~~~~~

I want us to be committed to each other. But I don't want to get married for a long time! Unless we eloped in secret. But that wouldn't change our lives drastically. No one would know, and I would get to have a secret life like a spy. Without having to quit all my jobs and actually be a spy. I've always secretly dreamed of being a spy.

I know what I want. But I also know I want to live my life to the fullest, and if he wants to be part of it then it will have to fit in to my life. And if he eventually wants what I want, and I still want what I want now, then I will make room for him.