Negative

The covid-19 pandemic has made for an interesting year. I personally have had a lot of good come to me this year, so it's hard to not see the positives: I met a guy who is amazing and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I've enjoyed spending time with my kids and family. I've made art and submitted to galleries. Etc. Nonetheless, there are plenty of negatives. Yes the deaths, the sickness, the masks, the toilet paper shortages, the not getting to see grandma, the list goes on. But the negative that has bothered me the most has been the negative attitude of some. 

I am facebook friends with someone who at the beginning of this whole thing was sharing somewhat sarcastic, yet funny stories. Showing how she has spent her time in isolation. Perhaps it's the lack of social connection, but I have watched her turn bitter. I used to see her story pop up and I'd click to see the silliness or hear her lovely singing voice, but now I usually scroll past! It's been bothering me, but today she made one too many hateful comments on a thread of an incredibly kind and patient person. So I feel the need to respond.

To begin, I must remind you of my circumstance. I am a single mom, who started the year working three jobs. I lost at least one of those and had several weeks with no work at all. The financial strain was significant, to say the least, and I couldn't even apply for unemployment because there were (inaccessible) jobs for us to do around town. Many people have lost jobs or have been unable to work. Others have had to work at places like Walmart just to make ends meet. I have started teaching again, in the classroom. We wear masks and arrange the classroom to allow for social distancing. I feel safe at work and I feel my students are safe in class.

Now here comes the frustration. This girl is also a teacher. She insists that parents want their kids to go back to school because they (1) Don't give a tiny rats a$$ about the teachers safety and well-being, and (2) because moms are selfish and don't want to parent, "Mom wants her brunch with the gals time back." are you freaking kidding me?! She is so incredibly rude, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, ignorant. I can't even. I miss my kids when they are at school, but I know it's good for them.

My kid is gifted. She has had over a week of school and her teacher hasn't figured out how to teach online, so all they do is go over classroom rules (THEY AREN'T EVEN IN A CLASSROOM) and then talk about how confused she is about why she can't see or hear her students. Um, it's your internet. Teach something!!

This girl on facebook is not grateful that she still has a job. That she is getting paid. And that she hasn't had to look for work elsewhere like Costco. Yeah, teachers (good ones), are overworked and underpaid. This is not new and it's not due to coronavirus. She knew what she was getting into when she got into it. Mom's don't want to pawn off their kids to the school because "moms legit want their yoga time back." Mom's want their kids to go to school because they want what's best for their kids. They want their kids to learn. Some also have jobs and need to be able to work. Not everyone is either a mom or in the workplace. Open your mind. And open your eyes! Covid isn't killing EVERYONE!! It is probably safe to go back, at least as safe as it ever was. Did you know people die from the flu every year, and there IS a vaccine for that. Do you remember all the awful school shootings. 

We can't live in fear. 

And wanting to be able to send your kid to school to LEARN is not selfish.

Push Past the Impossible

When I was in labor with Amelia the contractions were coming frequent and hard. I was exhausted, having been in labor for the past 25 hours. I got to the point where my mind and body felt like I couldn't go on another minute, I couldn't endure another contraction, I couldn't do it, and I uttered those words, "I can't do it." My midwife and husband both contradicted me (rude), "you are doing it!" My body gave me a break from every muscle seizing up for a couple blissful minutes that felt like much longer. It gave me the boost of energy I needed to push my beautiful baby out and complete the task that was asked of me. The task I didn't believe I could do. But God made me to do it. He let me endure that incredible pain for a moment so that I could hold my fresh from heaven little angel in my arms. 

I studied Art in college. It was the obvious path for me. I've been creating my entire life with anything and everything. All my teachers and all my peers growing up knew I was an artist because I was always drawing. It was my purpose. I wanted to make art and I felt like I was called to do so. I excelled in my college Art classes, earning scholarships and awards throughout, being called not just the cream of the crop, but the cream of the cream. I was praised and honored. Since I've graduated I haven't reached my dreams or my potential and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I'm done. I'm sick of wanting it and trying and failing. I feel like a hopeless failure. I don't know what the last push looks like here. I don't know how to get past it and be able to hold my dreams in my arms. 

Success is messy. It's hard. It feels impossible at times, and sometimes maybe it is. But showing God that you're willing to work HARD for something, showing Him that you want to achieve something great and are willing to go through exhaustion to get there, that is not overlooked. He sees you. He knows you and loves you. He has a plan for you. Don't worry about disappointing anyone so long as God is pleased with you. That is the goal. Make Him proud and try to see yourself as God sees you, because if you put Him first He already is.

Blessed

I seriously have the best man in my life that I could have asked for. But actually I couldn't have dreamed him up. He treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.

Every day he tells me how much he loves me, and the crazy thing is that I actually really believe him. He says,
"Guess what!"
"What?"
"I freaking love you!"
A couple days ago I was having a hard day and he said this. I told him I love him, too, but then his tone changed and expounded, "No, but seriously, I love you."

A couple weeks ago we were making funny faces at each other, because we're goofballs. And I said, "I can't not smile right now." His response made me cry. He said, "Good. I think that's the best sentence you've ever said. I'm going to make that the goal for the the rest of my life. It's at the top of my to do list everyday in permanent ink."
I didn't know I could be loved like that.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the end of last year. I've started taking medication that helps with it. It has helped a lot and I haven't had bad thoughts since I started it. Like the serious kind of bad thoughts. The kind that ends it all. Until yesterday. I felt like I was relapsing and it made me worry.

What if my medication isn't working anymore? What if I'm taking too high a dose. or too low a dose? Or what if there's something worse that's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be getting better and potentially not needing to taking it in a year, but here I am at the happiest time of my life thinking about throwing myself off the top of the stairs.

It brought a lot of fear into my mind. I retreated from reality as much as I could and tried to hide away. But that only made me feel worse. After I got my kids in bed I went over to Trevor's and we talked and cuddled. We both vulnerably confided in each other about different fears we each have  and he held me as I sobbed. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me that we couldn't work through. And he told me that it's okay to feel bad sometimes because he will always be there to hold me.

I freaking love this man.

At the beginning of our relationship he would look at me for a bit and then put his hand out as if he were asking for something. I would look at him questioningly.
"Give it back." He'd say.
"What?"
"My breath."
The first few times I would roll my eyes bashfully, but then I began to blow it back to him like I was blowing bubbles.

I have dozens of these little stories that illustrate just how incredibly lucky I am. But I found a song that says it perfectly.



I prayed him into my life. In college I remember praying for my eternal companion. I would pray for him at that time. I would pray for him to feel God's love for him and even my love for him. I would pray for us to overcome what we were each going through and be ready for each other when we finally found each other. After my divorce and toward the end of my marriage I would pray for a man with the qualities that he has. That I need in a man.

I truly am blessed to have him in my life. He supports me. He loves me. He understands me (and when he doesn't he tries to). He struggles, as I do. And we are committed to be there for each other through our respective mental illnesses. I don't know how I deserve such an incredible man, but I'm grateful for him every single day.

I'm grateful for our similarities. I'm grateful for our differences. I'm grateful for the way he is with my children and I'm grateful that they love him, too. I'm grateful for the strengths we each have and how we compliment each other. I am grateful that God brought us together when He did and how he did. And I'm grateful for His hand in making sure we didn't miss this miracle.

Meeting and choosing each other was miraculous and occurred through divine intervention. We have both gone through a lot. We've both suffered and have endured incredible pain. During those trials, I couldn't understand, I couldn't see the Lords plan. But I was living it. God knew what He was doing. What He was allowing to happen. He understood how the choices being made all around me were affecting where I would end up. I am grateful for this miracle.

Becky had this quote on her wall while I lived with her that influenced me more than I realized at the time. I've thought of it many times over the years and through the darkest and most challenging times of my life.

"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. If we seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added."

-Joseph Smith

(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 256)

Two Years

This picture is of incredible significance to me.

I took it just before Austin moved out, well after we decided to get divorced. I've kept it in my wallet ever since. It has brought me peace every time I look at it. It made me think, "Okay, we can do this. They will be okay because they've got each other." They were three and four.

Today marks two years from the night my ex-husband moved out. Mom, that's TWO.

Yes, that's right.

It's been two years since you moved from me

Packed your things aside

and said "I'm leaving"

Four years since you came to me saying

"I don't have a testimony"

Eight years since we fell in love

Choosing each other forever and ever

Seems like yesterday that it happened

But it also feels like someone else's story

A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. And some things haven't changed.

I have worked at the same place for five years. I have also had a period of no work, and a period with two additional jobs. 

I have two amazing kids. I came to terms with the possibility of not have more children and accepting that. I'm still a mom, but now I'm a single mom. A dating mom. It's a huge challenge, trying to balance this double life. I finally feel comfortable combining the two, only because I finally have a partner I trust and love completely.

I live in a different place. And at the same time, I live in the same place I did 20 year ago (when I was in jr high). I went from a large space on a farm, to a tiny house in a side yard. And now I'm back in the room I grew up in (because a close friend needed a place to stay so I gave her my tiny house for the time being).

I have met some incredible people, whom I have become close to. I have learned from them. Cried with them. Prayed for them. Worked with them. Served with them. Traveled with them. I have loved them. The people I have met because I got divorced is one of my greatest blessings. I am truly grateful for each person who has entered my life and helped shape who I am now.

Especially Trevor. And his family, who I look forward to being able to call my family.

It's been a year and a half since it was final

Signed the papers and it was all over

Found new friends who understand me

I've still got the girls for all eternity

It's been three months since the FHE

Where I met a great guy not a moment too soon 

I learned he was meant for me

And now I sit back and wait for us to get married

The most important thing that has stayed the same is that I have a testimony of my God. I know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, has a plan for me, and won't let anything frustrate that plan. I know my Savior lived a perfect life, suffered and died for me, so that I can turn to Him with every need, question, worry, or hope. I am fully known and deeply loved. I am grateful for the path my life has taken. Even though while I was going through parts of it I would have done anything to change it. I have learned to trust in God fully and to not fight His will or timing.

Love and Loneliness

Amelia has been playing this game where she practices not listening to me at all. She has mastered turning the hearing part of her ears off as easily as closing her eyes to not see. And since she doesn't hear me, she doesn't obeying. Obedience really does show love. It's insanely frustrating.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were just sometimes, but it's literally all the time. With me. She listens to other people. It makes me feel like she hates me. It's not just that it's disrespectful, but it instills fear in my heart. There is a lot of differing and contradictory information that people she should be able to trust are going to tell her. I want her to learn to listen to me now.
But when she doesn't I feel hopeless and that spirals quickly.

Loneliness sets into my heart and I lose the sense or desire to go on. It's like a dark cloud in my mind. My medication helps a lot with this, but it's not gone completely. Sometime it gets heavy and has to rain tears of frustration, irritable sadness, and pain.

The day my ex-husband moved out was the first day I stopped feeling the loneliest I've ever felt. It was because hope filled my heart. I didn't know who or what would enter my life, and at first I wasn't picky, I had no expectations.

But over the two years I've been single again I have learned more of what I want and need in my life and in a partner. I have resolved to not settle for less that what I truly deserve. Even if that means waiting my whole life, giving up on the last of my dreams and letting go of the plans I had for myself, all so that I can submit fully to what God has planned for me.

And He led me to Trevor.

Trevor so willingly and insistently gives me what I really want. He doesn't let me let go of hope. He see what I need and steps up to help. He builds me up and sees the good in me even when I can't.

So tonight, after a very long couple of weeks of not getting to see him very much due to sickness and other obligations, I had a little breakdown. Negative thoughts and emotions have been attacking me, even in the forms of dreams. Satan keeps telling me I don't deserve happiness and that I make the lives of the people around me worse.

I need extra spiritual strength. I would normally go to the temple, but that has been closed. So guess what I'm left with. Yep, the primary answers.

I also read a book called God Loves You to my kids tonight and it actually made me feel a little better.

To Be Courageous and Forgiving

At the beginning of the school year, Amelia came home and said she'd been beat up. It was true. A boy in her class had pushed her down, stepped on her chest, and had another kid kick her. A couple weeks later she came home and told me they were friends now.

A couple weeks ago I had a parent teacher conference and learned that Amelia had slapped another girl in the face. I talked to her about it a lot and this week as we were leaving school this other girl excitedly, and with loving friendship, shouted goodbye to Amelia. They are friends now, too.

Kids are resilient and forgiving.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a good example for my children and I strive to be each day. But over and over again I find myself learning from them. Amelia has been a great example of forgiveness. Sure, we all make mistakes, and we can all improve, but we can also forgive and be better each day.

In January I went to a fireside called Courage! For the Lord is on our side. The speaker did an amazing job. It was obvious that he prepared well because he was concise in what he shared and brought the spirit in a powerful way. He spoke about the hard things he's had to endure from restless legs syndrome and ADHD, to abuse and guilt.

As a youth he went on a scouting hiking trip where he and a couple friends got lost. When the leader found them, instead of expressing relief and joy, he reacted in anger and violence. Grabbing him by the neck and throwing him on the ground face first. This not only gave him a bloody nose, but a resolve to never come back to church. After relaying this to his parents, his angelic mother convinced him to apologize to the leader (I hope I will be able to react in such a kind way in teaching my children - when Amelia got beat up I explained that he must get picked on a lot at home and to show kindness in any future interactions, but to try to avoid him).

In response to the apology the leader threw him out of his house and told him to never come back. On the walk back to his mothers car he had a miraculous experience. He felt light. Peace. And forgiveness. God was able to enter his heart fully for the first time.

Years later, after making choices that prevented him from serving a mission, repenting, and marrying in the temple, he served eight years as ward mission leader. He struggled with an internal battle of feeling worthy. So when he was asked to serve at the stake level his mouth said yes, but his inside shouted "Oh no!"

One of the leaders who he had never met before paused, observed, and felt impressed to give him a blessing. In it he said, "The Lord has forgiven you. It's time to forgive yourself." In that moment he felt the way he did as a youth while walking from a hostile door to his mothers car. He felt overwhelmed with forgiveness for himself and the love of God.

His talk touched my heart and gave direction to my life. The rest of it was also really good. He taught that Satan tells us we're alone. This is something I've struggled with over the past few years. But knowing where those thoughts come from and that I am in fact not alone has helped me. Another thing he said that pushed me in the direction God wanted me to go was, "Courage means being scared out of your mind and still going forward."

I tend to want to run and hide, especially when there's so much potential happiness offered at once. See, where there's potential happiness there's also potential heartache. I'm scared of hurting again. My heart has been through so much and there are certain things I don't want to go through again. At the time of this fireside I was feeling okay about casually dating again, but felt directed from God to move forward with Trevor.

I wanted to share the stories from the fireside with him because I thought he would appreciate them, relate to them, and benefit from them. I waited until he opened up a little more about his story. I also wanted to share with him the experience I had. I wanted him to understand that I was open to moving forward with him. That I was ready to push through the fears that may never leave me. There are things in my past that I need to forgive and let go of so that I can have the strength to hold on to what the Lord wants for me.

One of the first things Austin told me after he left the church was to not hope, but Trevor has told me that he wants me to hope. It seems he understand my heart and what my soul needs. I'm grateful that God didn't let me run and hide this time.

New and Happy

This year has been full of new things. In every area of my life. I feel like every nook and cranny of my time is filling up. Miraculously, it seems to fit together like a puzzle. It's been exhausting, intimidating, and wonderful. I have started a new relationship and have encountered a new trial. 

I have been divorced for about a year and a half and my marriage was over about three years ago. But as I've gotten closer to this new person in my life, especially in physical ways, I have felt guilt creep in, relating to my ex-husband. I don't understand it, especially considering that it didn't happen at all - not even a little bit - with the last two guys.

As I was confiding this strange and unexpected occurrence in my best friend she told me it must be from satan.

After the first couple days of spending time with this new person, I had been feeling a lot of anxiety about entering another new relationship, especially so quickly with someone I barely knew. My heart was feeling fragile and unforgiving and I didn't want to get into anything serious for another several months. 

I tried to resist, but God seems to continually send me the unforeseeable. He comforted my indecisive mind while in the temple, speaking to my heart, telling me this is His child and I need to give him a chance and get to know him.

After everything I've been through, I have learned to always follow the Lords commands. Even if I don't understand the reasons and even if it doesn't work out the way I think it should or wish it would. I trust that God has a plan for me.

I have followed the Lords guidance and I have been calm about moving forward one step at time. What I have found is that the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. I also feel an easy happiness. I feel happy when I'm with him. I feel happy thinking about him. And I feel happy after we spend time together. I'm happy. 

I have made a conscious effort in the last several months to welcome into my life the things that bring a smile to my face. I'm glad I have done that in this case.

He makes me smile.

He's so sweet to me. He's respectful. I learn new and interesting things from him. He's not perfect, which is good because neither am I. He's easy and fun to talk to. He loves his family. And he seems to have goals that are in line with what I'm looking for in a person.

One thing I wish he would do more of is be more open and vulnerable with me. I think that will come in time, but I feel like he's got an advantage in this area. I have worked so hard over the last year to be open and share some of my story here on my blog. I don't share everything, in fact there's a lot about me that I keep to myself. But there's a lot I do share, and have shared with him and I want him to share real things with me, too.

I want to know all the things. Makes me think of this song.

Embarrassingly, when I got home today my mom thought I was so cute texting him that she took a picture.

Peace

I never do well with new things. I hate being the new person, and feel anxiety when faced with having to meet someone new, learn something new, or do something new. This creeps into relationships in a bad way - I tend to run and hide, emotionally and physically. I think it's based out of caution. I've been hurt, so I am always slow and cautious when approaching something new.

This year I've been trying to embrace the new. I haven't been great at it, and I have already run away to hide, but I'm trying. I want to be a new version of myself. I have started a new medication to help with my anxiety and I feel like a cloud has been removed from my mind. I had one day where I couldn't get out of bed until 3pm, but that is a lot better than before when it's taken a whole week. I feel like I'm overcoming some of the challenges in my life, but I'm being met with new and wholly different ones.

I was lacking peace in my life and feeling overwhelmed. But when I went to the temple last Friday, and sat down in the chapel, I was filled with peace. I was still. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I was able to still my mind in the presence of my God and I could feel His awareness of me and His love for me. I felt comfort in moving forward and I trust Him to never lead me somewhere I shouldn't be.

Today Calee Reed shared this song and I actually don't think i've heard it before. Peace is something I seek on a daily basis. It's something I just told my friend I would ask God for if I could have anything. I'm so grateful to know where to find it, and that I have been blessed with so much of it.

What a Year!

This has been a really interesting week. It held emotional highs and lows and included new and interesting people. I feel like there is too much to tell, and I don't even know where to start, so I'm going to skip it for now. And jump to today!

I went to four hours of church. I got another calling. I met another new person. And added more to my already busy schedule. And I got a nap. Allow me elaborate.

I went to my family ward without my children and it felt weird and wrong. I didn't realize what was off until halfway through the first meeting. Before the second meeting started I was pulled aside by a member of the bishopric and was asked to serve in the RS presidency. I had about a half an hour at home before I needed to leave for my mid-singles ward so I laid down on my bed to rest briefly...

Forty minutes later... I was so tired because I was on a date until late and then I did a really hard workout with heavier weights than I had been using last year and then I showered and played a game on my phone until after 2am. So then I opened my eyes and had no time left - church started in 8 minutes. So I hurried over and made in time!

A couple testimonies in particular stood out to me today. The first was the one that talked about how God will help you manage your time when you do what He asks of you. I was stressing a little about eveything that is piling up on my plate. Three jobs. Two (big) callings. Two kids. A social life. Art. Writing. Working out. Etc. Yeesh! I'm excited about it, but I don't know how it is all going to fit together. The other one was about new years resolutions and focusing less on what you DO and more on who you ARE.

After Sunday school a guy approached my friend and me. He said it was his first time in an LDS church building and he got there just as the closing prayer was being offered. We welcomed him and invited him to stay for dinner since we were having break the fast. He sat with us at our table and I heard half a dozen people ask him the same question, "What brings you here?" I think each time it made him think about it a little more. He said, "I don't know, it was like a little bird on my shoulder told me to come." I thought, That's the Spirit! I felt so excited and wanted to make sure he was welcomed and would come back. I introduced him to some friends and he shared little bits of his story with each new person. Then the missionaries happened to join our table. We learned that he's looking for a job and staying with a friend, surviving on ramen noodles. He was able to take some left overs home. It made me think of how Jesus fed the thousands physically and then spiritually.

When we were done eating the missionaries invited him to have a discussion which I was a part of along with two other friends. He was so receptive of everything and shared some really powerful insights of his own. He gave the closing prayer and brought me to tears with some of what he said. He expressed that he didn't know why he was there but recognized the Lords guidance. It was a really special experience.