Enough

 I think that Trevor doesn't believe that he's good enough for me.

I don't know if it's a conscious thought or not, but considering some of his comments and choices I think there is a lot more self doubt, loathing, and low self esteem that he struggles with.

A couple years ago when he was in rehab. He grew a lot and healed a lot and study a lot of spiritually strengthening material. I was really proud of the progress he was making. I was never ashamed of him or his mental health disease. Nevertheless, when we would talk on the phone he would express a fear that I may not like him or want to be with him when he got out.

When he was released we went to the temple grounds to enjoy the peace of it and spend some quiet moments together. He asked me if I wanted to ponder there at the temple to have the guidance to walk away from him. 

Both of these experiences left me perplexed. The fact that he could keep trying to be better - even in the midst of a heavy burden that takes the strength out of your decision making and sucks the literal life out of you - showed me how strong he was.

The fact that we both wanted to go to the temple to spend time with God made me feel safe and loved.

But he feared.

Feared what, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps he feared that I wouldn't love him if he didn't need me. Need me to be strong for him. To be a guiding light for him. Need me to fix him. But that is never why I loved him or chose him. Not entirely. I'm glad that I was strong enough to save him. I was the one who took care of him and monitored him when he had to detox. I was the one who broke through the door to give him CPR when he collapsed in the bathroom. 

~~~~~

Then just this last week he asked me if he could fly somewhere and I told him that I had taken him off my flight benefit. He was surprised. My answer also surprised him. And disappointed him. I told him I had to come to terms with him not wanting to be committed to me anymore. 

"What?!?" He protested and then asked if it was a recent realization after having spent the day hanging out by the temple? 

I told him NO. and that I have been holding out hope. Praying for him to want me. Coming too close to not existing anymore. And honestly, EVERY time I have prayed about him, I get an undeniable positive feeling. I wish I could feel like God disapproved of him. It would make it so much easier to walk away.

But we have been spending time together. We've been talking and sharing. Hence his knowledge of me going to the temple. And he expressed that he thought it was going really well, not committed yet, "but I thought it was going good not bad."

I'm reteaching my brain and heart to not hope for things when I hear this. Like maybe we're on the path that will lead to that. I don't want to be on that path. That path is muddy and stickery and haunted and leads to a dead-end. I'm not interested. Nope. No thank you.

~~~~~

When we first started dating I asked him if he was going to leave me for an ex girlfriend that he was secretly still in love with. He told me no way! And that he loved me. 

Well wouldn't you know it. His rebound is an ex girlfriend.

I have actually considered if I'm wrong.

I do know that the fact that he's not ready to recommit to m Maybe they are meant to be together. Maybe I was just a place holder for him while she was married.. if I believe the things God had shown me, I really don't believe that.e makes me feel like shit.

~~~~~

I want us to be committed to each other. But I don't want to get married for a long time! Unless we eloped in secret. But that wouldn't change our lives drastically. No one would know, and I would get to have a secret life like a spy. Without having to quit all my jobs and actually be a spy. I've always secretly dreamed of being a spy.

I know what I want. But I also know I want to live my life to the fullest, and if he wants to be part of it then it will have to fit in to my life. And if he eventually wants what I want, and I still want what I want now, then I will make room for him. 

Amazed

If you know me very well then you know that I sing all the time.

If you know me fairly well you would not know that.

But I was singing I STAND ALL AMAZED just now to my kids and then I told them that Jesus loves them so much that He died for them and He loves them so much that He lives for them. 

"I also love you enough to die for you. And I love you enough to live for you."

And that is sometimes harder.

#depression

Letting go.

I did it. I walked away. 

The first day I felt light and free. Like I finally took the step I needed to begin moving on and moving closer to God. 

This week has been so hard. I really miss my best friend. I'm sad he's gone. Trevor has chosen to be someone else. He's chosen to lean into his dark side. The side that doesn't feel bad about sinning. The side that his greatest ambition is to get better at poker. The side that cheats on me and treats me like an object. 

He has disrespected me and has lied to me even when asked directly. 

I want the Trevor who wants to be right with God. I want the man who defends my honor and protects me from being called names even in jest. 

I'm devastated that I lost him. That he's not here anymore. And I'm disgusted with who he's choosing to be. 

🤮

I'm going through so much emotional turmoil that i feel physically sick. i have that cool sweat you get before you throw up. 

I have been spending time with him again. and sometimes it's really great. but i know he's lying to me. and everyone else in his life. he's self sabotaging and he's dragging me through his shit storm all over again. 

i know i should walk away. if i were my friend going through this i would tell her to drop this loser. but my heart loves him. and i know how good he has been to me. but now, unfortunately that is more like seeing his potential, and not who he is now. I'm disappointed.

out of the house of bondage

I've been so disappointed with God and His direction in my life lately. I feel like my life is pointless. The only thing I have to live for is my kids, but I don't know how good of an example I can be to them when I feel like this. I know I don't want them to be raised by an atheist, and losing their mother would be so traumatic. It would be too selfish on my part. 

I have lost all confidence in my decision making. I thought I was a good judge of character. I thought I was in tune with what the Lord had in store for me. And i know the directing l received time and time again was from the Lord. 

I'm deeply saddened by the fact that Trevor is not the man he was and wanted to be when he was with me. Now he's completely floundering. He's a compulsive liar. He's replaced his addiction to drugs with an obsession with riches and sex. 

Mosiah 12:26-29

26 I say unto you, wo be unto you for perverting the ways of the Lord! For if ye understand these things ye have not taught them; therefore, ye have perverted the ways of the Lord. 

27 Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore, ye have not been wise. Therefore, what teach ye this people? 

28 And they said: We teach the law of Moses. 

29 And again he said unto them: If ye teach the law of Moses why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people, yea, even a great evil against this people?

He used to confide in me his true feelings of the sins he fell into. How horrible it made him feel. He used to treat me like a goddess. In awe of me. In love with me. I was his best friend and he would tell people often. He would communicate and be soft and real. And not cover up and hide behind jokes and sarcasm. 

Now he uses the voice he uses around his family with me. Loud and obnoxious. Trying to push me away. Just like he does with them. I feel like he died. I feel like I'm mourning a death. 

I miss him. 

Tiny

 in college lisa had tiny lisa.

now lisa has a tiny house.

inside, lisa feels tiny.

Missing

I'm a big follower in true crime. My favorite podcast is Crime Junkie, but I also love Bailey Sarian.

One hot topic is the staggering number of black or minority cases that don't get as much coverage. I'm sure there are politics behind it in some areas. Unfortunately it may also have some outlying factors. Possibly the black communities could be understaffed or under resourced. They could be overwhelmed with the volume of crime. Whatever the reason, people are people. Everyone deserves to be safe and taken care of. Everyone deserves extensive efforts to find answers. 

This scandal with Carlee Russel is unfortunate. I hadn't noticed or realized that she was a black woman, as oppose to a woman, until I read articles pointing it out. 

The articles praised the community for pulling together and getting national press on the missing person. But did it get national press while she was missing? Because I didn't hear about it until she had returned home. If she had actually been in danger she wouldn't have had national support within the two days. The issue is still real. The story broke because she returned home. 

The other story I found interesting from the last little while, is the woman who had a meltdown on an American Airlines flight. It's something I've wondered about quite a bit, actually. What in the world did she experience? Was she hallucinating? Was the FA actually a cyborg? Was she on drugs? Was there a sevret agent on the FLT? I'm missing something. So many questions!! And how on earth are you supposed to code that delay?  

Chapter 4 - Searching for Annabella/Perdita

Gabby and her roommates found Marie's story hard to believe. They thought it was more likely that she was a little rich girl who ran away from home. Her designer bag screamed wealth. Is it even possible for her to have come from some sort of cult, like she claimed? It felt highly suspicious. 

But why would she come here? And why would she claim to be my daughter? And how does our DNA match? 

“It’s obvious.” Gabby said. “My twin sister must have been switched at birth.”

“I have heard of that happening, actually.” Cherry said, “Or maybe another mother in the same hospital the day you were born lost her baby so the nurse replaced hers with your moms surprise baby.” 

“Uh, yeah I’ve never heard of that happening.” Jewel said.

“Honestly, I’d believe that more than her being Gabby’s daughter.” Edith defended her roommate.

“Why don’t we all do a little research?” Clair suggested. “What’s your sister’s name?”

Gabby was going home for the first part of summer to do her own research, but she welcomed the help. By the end of the day there were three leads worth looking into. 

Annabella/Perdita Montgomerie who lives in Denver.

A woman who shares her same birthday, and lives in Omaha, but she's moved around a lot and looks like she was born in Pennsylvania. Her name is Danika Delmar. 

And the most promising one is a woman living in upstate New York. Not only do they share the same birthday, but they were born in the same place, ACMH Hospital. Her name is Collette Poughet.

“If you’re really not my mother, and you’re going to find my real mom, I’m coming with you.” Marie emerged from the hall where she had been listening. 

"A cross country road trip is exhausting enough without having to entertain a nine year old." Gabby said. 

"You won't have to entertain me. I've done it before, remember?"

"That's true." Clair agreed, "it might be good to take her with you. She doesn't belong here with us."

Gabby rolled her eyes, "So if I take her I can leave her with her real mother. I guess that makes sense."

They packed up her small commuter car and left the following morning. The first couple hours were quiet. Neither of them said anything. Gabby finally remembered that she had brought some cds to keep her alert. She popped one in and started singing along to her favorite Disney songs. Marie stayed silent, though she did smile at Gabby's enthusiasm. 

"Don't you know these songs?"

"No. I've never heard them before."

"These are from Disney movies."

Marie looked confused. 

"Haven't you ever seen a Disney movie?"

"Movie. I've seen Casablanca."

"Casa, no, I mean. What's your favorite movie?"

"I haven't really seen many movies. We never heard of them growing up, and Madam Gabriella only liked proper movies. She said frivolous things were a waste of time."

"Disney movies are not a waste of time. I'll show you my favorite ones when we get home. I mean to my moms house."

They continued to listen to various soundtracks and songs until they arrived at Annabella/Perdita Montgomerie's house. It was around 4pm. They didn't have a plan when they nervously knocked on her door. 

A woman who looked to be about the right age came to the door.  She had long blonde hair with darker roots and tan skin. "Can I help you?"

Gabby smiled. "Hi, we're conducting a research study collecting data about people who live in our neighborhood. We want to find the percentage of people who have grown up here or have relocated from somewhere else. It's for her third grade class." She lied on the spot. 

Marie gaped and then forced a smile. "So... did you grow up here or move here? "

"I moved here."

"Really? From where?"

"Wyoming. I grew up on a ranch. I competed in rodeos. That's where I met my husband. Ricky Montgomerie. He was born and raised here."

"Oh." Marie hung her head. "Thank you." And then she returned to the car. 

Both women watched her for a moment, "uh, thank you. Have a nice day." Gabby said and rushed to the car to drive away. 

"Montgomerie is her married name. That makes it easy to cross her off our list." They pulled into a parking lot to find the route to Marie's next potential mother. Once they figured out their next route they realized they were in a movie theater parking lot. 

"Marie, it's time you experience something magical." 

"What? "

"Your first movie in a theater. "

They bought two tickets for the only Disney movie showing. Then Gabby really splurged and bought them each drinks and candy and popcorn to share.

They both enjoyed the movie, but Gabby really enjoyed watching Marie watch the movie. It was the first movie she had seen that was actually age appropriate. Her eyes were wide while she gazed at the massive screen. She jumped at the startling part, sending popcorn up into the air which made Gabby laugh. She pulled her knees up and hid her face - mostly - at the scary part. All in all it was a fantastic time.

The drive through Nebraska was long. They only made it four hours before they had to stop at a motel to rest for the night. But it was fun. They spent the whole time talking. About the movie. About food they liked. About animals. Gabby began to really enjoy spending time with her, even though there was a 14 year age gap. 

The next four hours in the car were filled with singing together, laughing, and actually planning what to say when they met Danika. 

"The study idea worked well enough. Except that we didn't have any paperwork or anything. "

"Yeah, but why can't we just tell her why we're there?"

"Because that's weird and creepy. "

"That's what I did when I found you. "

"Yes. And it was weird and creepy. "

"Well it worked. "

"How about we buy a notebook and clipboard so we look a little more official. Then we can ask the questions we have. And maybe you can stay in the car."

"No, I can be useful. "

"Fine. "

"And we should take her cookies."

They came up with specific questions that would answer the main question at hand. If she was her biological mother. 

This time they knocked but no one answered. They rang the doorbell. Nothing. 

"Oh man, she's not home! " Marie shouted. 

Then the door opened slowly. 

A hesitant woman peaked out. 

"Hi, are you Danika Delmar? "

"Yes." She squeezed through the narrow opening into the porch. 

"Hi, we are with an adoption agency. And we're collecting data from our community. Will you participate in our two minute survey? You get free cookies at the end."

"Okay, sure." Danika said. 

"Great!" Gabby said and continued to take off her questions:

Where were you born? Washington DC. 

Were you adopted? No. 

Have you ever given a child up for adoption? No. 

Would you ever consider adopting a child? Maybe. 

What is your heritage? Filipino.

Are your parents alive? Yes. 

Do you have any pets? Yes. 

"Okay that's all we have for you. Thanks for your time. "

Marie handed Danika a box of cookies and she and Gabby headed back to the car. 

"Why didn't you ask her all the questions? " Marie asked. 

"At first I thought she looked enough like me to be Annabella/Perdita, but there was something off. She looked less Italian and more Asian. It's not her."

They had another 19 hours to drive before they would get to Gabby's moms house in Philly. Luckily they had plenty of car snacks to eat and music to listen to. 

When they got too the motel that night they didn't just fall asleep when their heads got the pillows, even though they were exhausted. Instead they talked for a while. 

"Gabby?"

"Yeah? "

"I wish you were my mom. I really like you. "

"I like you too Marie. "

"I neve knew mothers were real. Growing up there was only one woman I ever saw. She was neve happy. She always had a frown on her face. And she hated all of us. "

"There weren't any other girls where you grew up?"

"No, there were other girls. Just not women. We were told that our mothers died and she was our mother now. But she hated us. The only person she liked was Apophis, but everyone had to like him. He was our god."

"Your god?"

"Yeah we always had to kiss his cheek and let him examine our growth. He didn't want us to be too fat so if he couldn't feel our ribs through our smock we weren't allowed to eat that day."

Gabby was speechless. 

"That's no God. He sounds more like a demon if you ask me. " She put her arm around her and pulled her close. "You don't ever have to go back there. You're safe from them now."

Marie snuggled her head into Gabby and fell asleep. Gabby didn't fall asleep so easily. 

I can't believe she went through such awful abuse! It doesn't seem like she ran away from home, she seems eager to find her real family. But how could her story be true? Then again, how could Marie make all of this up? It's insane to think that she could imagine all of this. But could this be real? Is there really a cult out there starving children and killing their mothers? What a horrible thought! 

What if they took my sister when she was born and froze her and Marie isn't my daughter but my sister? How does DNA work anyway? Gosh I need to sleep. I have a long drive tomorrow! 

There's still a possibility of the woman in upstate New York being her mother. And my sister. I hope it's her. I hope it's not her. That would royally upturn my whole life not to mention my moms life. She's been through enough! She doesn't need this, too. But maybe it would be good for her. Maybe she would be happy about it. Or maybe she would feel guilty all over again. Ugh, turn off, Brain. Sleep. Just sleep! 

Her demands weren't met for another couple hours. She spent the time worrying about what may or may not come while holding the little girl who seemed so innocent. 

"I promise you," she whispered to Marie, "we will find your mother or someone safe who can be your mother. You will never be mistreated again." And with that she fell asleep. 

Cinderella's dark and twisted secret

 I wanted to see how Ai would wrote the story of Cinderella if she became a serial killer. And see how it differed from my story. Her it is: 

Chapter 3 - Marie

She burst out of a tub of water where she had been submersed. Panting, she looked around trying to catch her breath. How long had she been under the water? She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember nearly anything. The room was dark. The only light was coming from the eerie glow of the water she sat in. Peering over the edge she saw how far up she was sitting. Am I in a fish tank? She wondered due to the glass sides of the tub and the position in the room. She certainly felt like she was more on display than she would like to be. 

She climbed out as carefully as she could, but her little body didn’t reach the ground even when she hung holding the edge of the tank with her arms extended. She slipped when she hit the floor, landing hard on her hip and sliding a few feet on the slick tile. She swallowed a yelp of pain and got herself up. She looked around the room for clothes and found a stack of gray tunics. It was rough on her delicate skin, but she didn’t care. She needed to find her way out of wherever she was.

She opened the door slowly and peeked out the open slit. She saw no one, but she heard male voices. 

“The operation is behind schedule. I need this done NOW!” 

“We are working on it, Sir, but she...”

She closed the door gently and looked around frantically searching for a way out. She saw a desk with papers and notebooks on it. She looked through them for clues as to where she was and why she was there but didn’t find any information on her whereabouts. Instead she found stacks of documents for everyone she knew. She riffled through until she found one on herself.

Specimen # 5762 - Marie

Host - Gabriella Montgomerie

Blood Type - AB Negative

Ph value - 7.21

Metamorphosis - Stage 0

She folded up this document and headed for another door. She couldn’t see or hear anything when she peeked through. It was completely black. So she opened it wider until she could see that it was just a closet. She almost closed the door to move on to a more promising exit route but then she noticed a window with the blinds pulled closed inside the closet. So instead she entered the small room and shut the door behind her. 

Carefully, she lifted the blinds to see that it looked out to a hallway she knew quite well. With some effort she managed to get the window open and climb through. If I go left I’ll get to the dining hall, but if I go right... She searched her memory, I don’t actually know where that leads. She went right. Her steps grew faster as she continued down the hallway, worried she would be discovered and punished. She didn’t want to be sent to discipline. An awful punishment for misbehaving where she would get strapped to a chair and questioned. If they were unhappy with her answers she would get slapped with a paddle. Even more than not wanting that, she didn’t want to go back to the dark room from where she had just left.

Guessing on which turns and hallways to take, she finally reached a door that she had never seen before. It was bigger than the other door in the building. Most doorways were free of doors. There was only one door she had ever gone through, once a day to eat. 

She looked behind her to assure no one was watching or coming after her. Then she opened the door slowly. A blinding brightness burned her eyes, but as she squinted into the room on the other side. It was beautiful. It was like what she had only heard stories about with green grass and real trees. There were cars passing and birds chirping. Hesitantly, she stepped through the threshold into unknown territory.

She walked as nonchalantly as she could until she was about a block away at which point she began running along the side of the road for as long as she could. Fatigue set in fairly quickly, forcing her to slow her pace. She wandered down the road for a long time. Finally a woman slowed her minivan to match her pace. 

“Hey kiddo, are you okay?”

She just stared back at the lady.

“Are you on your way home?”

She looked back the way she came.

“Do you need help?”

“Yes, please.” She finally answered, in a tiny voice. Terrified it was a trick. 

“Can I call your mom? Or give you a ride?”

She nodded. Hoping against hope that this lady wouldn’t take her back to the place from where she came. She approached the car and tried to turn the handle to open the front door with no success. 

“Oh, here ya go.” The lady said, and pushed a button to open the sliding door to the backseat. Do you know where you live?

“No.”

“Do you know your moms phone number?”

“No.”

“Well what’s her name? Maybe I can look her up.”

She was quiet for a minute. Then gave the only name she could, “Gabriella Montgomerie.”

After a few minutes searching the internet on her phone the kind woman found only a few options. The closest was a lengthy bus ride away in Ohio. She wondered how on earth this little girl got so far from home.

“Do you live in Ohio?”

She didn’t know where she lived, so she just said, “Yes.”

“How did you get all the way out here to Pittsburg?”

“Um...” She said, unsure of how to respond. “I was visiting a friend. But I want to go home now, so I left.”

It was believable enough, so she wrote down the address and directions to get to the Gabriella Montgomerie who lived in Cleveland, Ohio. She dropped her off at the bus station and gave her more than enough money to get there. She also gave her her own phone number in case she needed help again. “I’m a mom, so I tend to look out for all kids. You call me if you need help again, okay. I’ll pray for you.”

“Thank you.”

She followed the directions to a little house off 32nd Street. She climbed the five steps up to the porch and knocked on the door. A tall bulky man with a wiry red beard came to the door. 

“Are you selling cookies?” He asked.

“No.” She was confused as to why he would assume such a thing. “Does Gabriella Montgomerie live here?”

“Yeah, let me get her.” He left the door open for her to come in, but she did not move from the doorstep. “Mom,” he called as he walked down the narrow hall. Soon a very old woman with white poofy hair hobbled to the door. 

“How can I help yuz?”

“Um. I think I have the wrong person.”

“Who yuz lookin’ for?”

“My mom.”

“Oh, well Kip my youngess. You juss met him. He 47 and still live at home.” The old woman was missing teeth and Marie had a hard time not staring.

“That’s okay. May I use your phone?”

The old woman led her inside to a dingy yellow phone attached to the wall. It had a curly cord that looped all the way down to the floor. “Here yuz go.” Then she scuffled back to her bedroom, where a TV was blaring.

She called the number of the mom who had picked her up. 

“Hello?”

“Hi. This was the wrong one.”

It took a moment for the minivan mom to connect the dots, but then she understood. “Oh dear. Well let me see. She put her phone on speaker and found the next closest Gabriella Montgomerie. “Okay, I have another address for you. Are you ready to write it down?”

“Yes.” She lied. She didn’t have a pen, but thankfully she was able to reach the counter by the fridge where there was a pen sitting on a notepad. 

She wrote down the next address in her own large handwriting and made her way back to the bus station. Her next stop was Cincinnati, Ohio. After eight hours on a bus she was too tired and too scared to find her way to the next house. She found a bench and curled up on it. In the morning she woke to bustling voices passing her. She rubbed her eye and started on her very long walk to the next house.

But when she arrived there a beautiful woman with long back braids that faded into pink at the ends opened the door. 

“Hey there, young’un.” She said in a smooth voice.

“Hello. Are you Gabriella Montgomerie?”

“Yes, ma’am. What can I do you for?”

Discouraged, she looked down at her own hands. “I think I have the wrong person.”

“Who are you lookin’ for?”

“My mom.”

“Oh, goodness me. Well let’s see if we can find her.” She pulled out her own phone to find another Gabriella Montgomerie. “There’s one in Cleveland..”

“No. That’s not her.”

“Okay, well I see one in Nashville, Tennessee. Does that sound right?”

“Oh yes, that’s it.” She tried to sound confident.

The chocolate colored Gabriella wrote down the address and gave it to her along with a fresh buckeye cookie she had just made.

The next bus took over six hours. She couldn’t hold back the tears as she walked to the next house. This is pointless. I don’t even know where I am or who I am or why I’m here! She almost gave up before she even arrived, but was glad she didn’t when she saw the house. 

It was huge. Very majestic with four white pillars standing in front of a red brick building. She crossed the expansive green lawn to the big red door adorned with a wreath. She stood there hoping she was at the right place. Hoping they would let her in. Hoping they would let her stay forever. She knocked and waited but there was no answer. So she pushed the doorbell and heard a loud chime coming from inside the house.

At last, the door opened. 

“Good evening miss.” a man in a bow tie greeted her.

“Hi. Is Gabriella Montgomerie here?”

“Yes, follow me.”

She timidly followed as he led her through the large entryway, down a short hallway to a very pleasant sitting room with lion feet sofas and an elaborately decorated coffee table. There was a woman wearing glasses with shoulder length blonde hair sitting on one of the sofas reading a book. 

“Madam.” The man announced.

The woman looked up from her book and over her glasses. She furrowed her brows in confusion. She removed her glasses entirely and folded them as she stood. 

“What do we have here?” She approached the small girl.

“Hello.” She nearly whispered.

“What is your name, child?”

“My name? My name is Marie.”

“Well, Marie. What is your business here?”

“I was hoping to find my mother. Are you her?”

“Am I your mother? No.” She said very judgmentally. “I should think not. I could not possibly be your mother. I think I should know better than to have such a scrawny little thing for a child.”

“Are you Gabriella Montgomerie?”

“Well of course I am.”

“That is my mothers’ name.”

The woman examined her. “Where did you come from? Why do you not know your mother?”

“I...” Marie trailed off. She did not know what to say. “I was raised by my father.”

“Well where is he?”

“He’s at home.”

Her eyes narrowed. “It’s getting very late. I am about to have dinner. You are welcome to join me.”

Marie’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. “Thank you!”

The two sat in a large dining room at a long table that was surely meant for more than just two people. They were served delicious fancy food. Marie couldn’t believe the sensations of happiness that came just from eating. She had never eaten food for any other reason than to satisfy hunger, and avoid punishment. 

She was allowed to stay there that night. The next day the lady of the house spoke with the girl. She proposed an arrangement where Marie would be allowed to stay with her so long as she helped as a maid.

Marie was elated with this offer and eagerly accepted. She stayed there through the holidays and into the Spring. This Gabriella turned out to be kind and generous. She bought her new clothes and even her own cell phone. She taught her valuable life lessons about charity and generosity. 

“I am an example for you to follow.” She would say. “If you follow my lead, pay attention and learn from me, you, child, will go far in life.”

Marie learned how to search the internet on her phone. She sent her DNA into 23 and Me and in April she found there was yet another Gabriella Montgomerie who seemed most likely to be her mother. She was originally from much closer to where Marie, herself, had started her journey. She had moved across the country for school after living in a tiny country across the ocean for almost two years.

As much as the thought of giving up this life of luxury pained her, she felt a pull to pursue finding her mother. So she told Ms. Montgomerie that she had found her mother and asked her to help her get to her. Ms. Montgomerie agreed and bought her a plane ticket. 

Chapter 2 - Up All Night

That night Gabby had the most restless night's sleep. Her mind jumped from one outlandish impossibility to another. 

Maybe she’s from the future and time traveled back to see me for some reason. She obviously must not know the rules of time travel. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to contact anyone you know -- or will know. I mean, if time travel was possible. Which it’s not.

As she ruminated on this fanciful notion she drifted into a light sleep where time travel was real. And this little girl was her child. They lived in a big white house with a wrap-around porch and their family. It was a beautiful cloudy day so they went to their expansive backyard with perfectly green grass to have a picnic. They reclined to watch the happy clouds float by. But suddenly they turned gray and angry. Instead of puppies and pool floaties, the clouds looked like monsters with horns and sharp claws. They started chasing her through dimly lit halls that had no beginning and no end. As she ran the monster got closer to her. She tried to scream but nothing came out. She tried again and again, and then she woke up to the sound of her own muffled scream. 

She looked around but it seemed she did not wake her roommate. She was still snoring, and likely used to the noise. Unfortunately, she successfully woke herself up enough that she was wide awake. She got up to get a drink of water but found Clair sitting in the dark living room illuminated only by the light of her phone screen.

"What are you doing up?" Gabby asked.

"I can't sleep. Marie told me some stuff last night after I went to bed and I can't get it off my mind."

"Like what, are you also her mother? Or maybe you're her grandmother!"

They both laughed lightly.

"Actually it was all worse than that. She said--”

Just then a figure appeared in the doorway. It was Marie. Just standing there looking straight ahead.

"Hey, Marie, did we wake you?" Gabby asked, but received no answer.

"Marie?"

The two roommates looked at each other. Clair got up to help Marie back to bed, but she was unresponsive. 

“I think she’s sleepwalking.” Clair said. “I’m going back to bed. We can talk tomorrow.”

Gabby stayed up for a while. She knew it was impossible for her to be Marie's mother, but she couldn't help but recognize the physical similarities they shared. She laid on the couch thinking about the bizarre situation she found herself in. She felt grateful for Clair for stepping in and taking care of this little girl. She thought back on the severe panic attack Marie had when they discussed calling the police. The poor thing held herself as though she was genuinely scared. Like she had been mistreated.

Gabby walked down the corridor of a strange place with strange people. They all looked like clones of herself. She didn’t know where she was going but she felt the urgency of getting there. She passed windows that looked into rooms, but there were no doors anywhere. Where was she? A hospital? Or a building on campus maybe? Finally she got to a line of girls standing single file along the wall leading up to a door. The way out, Gabby hoped. But when she rushed past the girls and through the door she found herself in the testing center. She had an exam right now. But she didn’t know any of the answers on this test. It was asking questions like: 

True or false: When is the baby due? 

Why did the dog bark?

Who made the sugar cookies?

A. You

B. Your Mom 

C. Ole Danny boy

D.All of the above

How is the dress gray?

And: 

What is the chemical formula of DNA? 

This time she woke up sweating and decided to take a shower and then study for a while. Even though it was still very dark outside. She started with her Nutrition textbook but had moved on to  Social & Psychological Dimensions of Sport by the time light began to spill through the window. She grabbed her running shoes and went for a run. This always helped her clear her head and bring her peace. It was her happy place. When she got home she  this point she checked the time and figured it was late enough in the morning in New York for her to call her mom.

“Hello?"

"Hi Mom."

"Hi Honey, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, no I'm fine. I just wanted to call and hear your voice."

"Aww, you haven't done that since freshman year. Are you feeling homesick?"

"Yeah, no. Not really. I just had a really crumby night last night. And some nightmares."

"Oh, that's non bene. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, actually." She paused for a moment, not wanting to bring up what she needed to ask her mother. "Mom, I want to ask you about Savannah."

"OH. Okay. What do you want to know?"

"You said she died when we were born. Did you actually see her little body?"

"Oh, wow. Hun, I wasn’t expecting that. Well, I was exhausted, you know. Savannah was so much weaker than you were. She was tiny. I saw her for a moment before they rushed her to the emergency NICU area."

"So after they told you she didn't make it...?"

"No sweetheart. I didn't think I could handle it. You know she was a bit of a surprise. She was behind you in the ultrasound so we didn't even know she was in there until she wasn't any more. I know it's awful to say, but I wasn't connected to her like I was to you. I thought that if I held her, it would make her too real and my heart would break too much. I've always had love for her, but I haven't let myself, you know..." her guilt saturated voice trailed off.

“So you never saw her. Interesting.”

“Why?”

“Mom, I have something really bizarre to tell you.”

“Okay...”

Gabby takes a deep breath and sighs. “Do you think I can come visit you this summer? I’ll need to be back by July 15th to start my internship, but can I come visit once I finish finals?”

“Of course! Are you kidding? I would love that.”

“Okay, I’ll leave next week and tell you all about it when I get there.”

Chapter 1 - A Familiar Stranger

"Okay ladies, I need a break from studying. If it's not in my brain by now, one evening of cramming isn't going to get it there." Jewel said as she slammed her way through the unlocked front door of her best friends’ apartment. Clair and Gabby were sitting on the couch, quietly talking to each other. The room became silent and tension rose. "Am I interrupting something?"

The two girls on the couch looked at each other and then said with a shrug, "No."

Jewel frowned and gestured outside, "I can go."

"Don't be silly," Clair chimed with her soothing voice, "we were just talking, but you are more than welcome to join us!" Then she scooted closer to Gabby to make room on the couch. "Sit." She patted the seat next to her.

"Okay, if you insist." Jewel said happily, and plopped down next to her. She began venting about her stress level. "Pre-med is so hard. It's So. Much. Stressful."

"I can imagine." Clair said, empathetically. 

"Right, being a psych major must be just as bad. But are you guys still working on projects? I have one due on Monday. I mean, who gives assignments due the morning of your final."

"No, we just turned in our last paper today. Thankfully I'm done with classes until finals. I have three on Tuesday." 

"Well then, do you guys want to watch a movie? I got Northanger Abbey from the library."

"Um, yes! Let me text Edith." Gabby said.

"Oh, yeah." Jewel looked around. "Where is she?"

"She's on campus working on her final project." Clair answered.

"That's right. It must be nice that she doesn't have real finals. She can just draw a picture the weekend before and call it good."

"She still has real finals." Gabby snapped. "She’s been working on her final project until 8PM every night for the past two weeks. Plus she has other classes with written finals in the testing center next week, too."

"I know, I was just meaning she has fun classes that are more laid back, like yours. Art majors and Exercise Science majors really knew what they were doing!"

Gabby pressed her lips together into a slightly up-curved line and exhaled through her nose. Clair placed her hand gently on Gabby's knee, "We all work hard, so we should play hard, too. Or at least watch a Jane Austen movie. Why don't we plan to watch the movie tonight at 8PM when Edith gets home and we can help you with your final project in the meantime."

Jewel slouched, "Okay, if you insist." She said, deflated.

"So what's your project consist of?" Gabby asked flatly.

"I have to choose three experiments to perform and then write at least 2,500 words on my findings for each one. I already did two experiments and I wrote my first 3,000 words."

"Great, so it sounds like you need to write about your findings for the second experiment and do your last experiment." Clair planned.

"Yeah, except I'm thinking of skipping the last one."

"But then your grade will go down by 33%" Gabby pointed out.

"Yeah well, C-s and D-s get degrees."

Just then there was a quiet but hurried knock on the door. Like there was a hummingbird out there.

"It's open!" Jewel called.

The door did not open, but the knock sounded again. This time longer and a little louder.

Gabby got up to open the door to find a very thin little girl standing in front of her. She wore a gray sun dress with ballet flats that were as black as her pin straight hair.

"Hi sweetie, can I help you?"

"Um." She stammered and looked around her. "I'm looking for my mother." The other girls came to the door when they heard the mousy voice. 

"Oh. Where was the last place you saw her."

"No, I mean. I uh - I'm looking for Gabriella Montgomerie." 

"Well, I'm Gabriella Montgomerie. What's your name?" Gabby asked gently as she knelt down to be at her Gabb eye level.

The tiny girl finally met her eyes, and Gabby watched as they grew wider. "Marie." She squeaked out. 

"Well hi, Marie. How do you know my name?" Marie's face began turning red and tears brimmed her eyes. She took another look behind her and then she fell into Gabby's arms. "Oh my goodness." She stroked her hair. "Where's your mom?" She asked and peered outside to see if she could see anyone. She didn't so she redirected her perplexed gaze to her friends.

"Who is she?" Jewel mouthed.

Gabby shrugged.

Clair placed her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Why don't you come sit with me and we can talk." Clair always had a way of calming the situation. "What brought you here?"

"I came to find my mother." Marie told them.

"How would I be able to help you find her?" Gabby asked. 

"You are my mother."

Gabby's eyes grew wide and her brows went up. "uh, Sorry sweetie, I- I can't be your mother."

"Of course you can be. You are my mom. You are Gabby Montgomerie, are you not?"

"I am, but I think you must have the wrong Gabby Montgomerie. I've never had a baby."

"Of course, you don't understand. Why would you?" Marie was trembling, tears falling from her eyes again.

"Dude, I know how we can resolve this." Jewel said. "One of the remaining experiments is about genealogy! They suggested using my own and a parent, but this should work too. I just need DNA Gabbyples from both of you."

"We really don't need a DNA test to prove I'm not her mother. I've never..." She trailed off, making a face at her friends to convey her meaning. She didn't want to say the word "sex" in front of a little girl. 

"I know, but it will put her mind at ease, and help me complete a project. Sometimes it pays off having a science major for a best friend."

"Okay, fine."

Jewel ran to her apartment to get the buccal Gabbyple collection kits. After she collected what she needed from the inside of each of their cheeks and put each in its own screw cap tube she left for campus to perform the experiment. She was gone for a long time. In fact, she didn't come back until 9PM. 

While she was gone Clair and Gabby got to know Marie a little. They asked her questions about where her parents were and how she got to their apartment. How she knew Gabby and who told her she was her mother. There were so many more questions they had for her but they could tell Marie was getting overwhelmed so they lightened the mood a little and turned on  a streaming cartoon. The poor thing fell asleep by 7PM. 

When Jewel finally walked back through the door, Edith was already home, showered, and snoring in her bed. Marie was somehow still asleep, now snuggled up in Clair's bed, even with the loud sound coming from the adjacent room. Gabby, Clair and their other roommate, Charity, were all brushing their teeth.  

Jewel approached Gabby and quietly asked, "Hey, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" 

"So the results I found were confusing. I mean, it was the first time I was comparing Gabbyples like this, and I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was accurate. So I had my professor look at it." She stopped and just nervously stared at Gabby. "It looked like it was a match to me, so I knew I needed a second opinion, you know. But he agreed. He said there was a 99 percent match."

"Okay, well obviously I've never had a baby, so it must be a false positive."

"Yeah, totally." Jewel confirmed, not wholly convinced.

A Secret Siren

Erielle's study hours were as long as her fire red hair. She worked hard to earn grades that would keep her at the top of her class. She was proud to follow in her mother's footsteps, excelling in everything she put her mind to. As head of the swim team, she had no doubt she would eventually join her mother and older sisters in leading secret, undercover missions for their country. Her plate was full to be sure, but you would never hear her complain that none of her many tasks would just pick up and wander off on their own. Rather she wore it as a badge of honor that she had no time for boys or friends or fun. 

That is until her mom didn't make it back from one of her missions. 

She idolized her mother and viewed her as indestructible. This shook her whole world and left her floundering. So when the opportunity arose to spend summer term on a study abroad in Italy she couldn't resist. She felt this would be the best reset she could imagine. She was right, but it had an entirely different effect than she had anticipated. She expected to see new places. And she did, but it was the new friends that she made in her program that she cherished. She expected to fill her mind with history. And she did, but it was the present that inspired her heart to desire more than just flipping her fins on swim team. She wanted to anchor herself.

Italy was life-changing. 

She flew into Rome. She's never forgotten the moment that she stepped out from the grungy metro station into the massive shadow of the Colosseum. It took her breath away as she looked up at one of the oldest monuments she had ever studied. For the first time in her life she felt small. She'd thought she had everything, but in that moment she was ready to explore all the wonders of this new place. They stayed in Rome for half of the Study Abroad before they migrated south to Naples. 

She quickly and easily became best friends with the two girls assigned to be her flat mates while in Italy. Ursula, a sultry beauty, went to meet exotic men. In every city they visited she found a guy to spend the night with. She didn't care who, just the first hot Italian man to call out Ciao Bella as she walked by. Deidra, on the other hand, was very shy, a bit plump, and insecure. She didn't make eye contact with anyone and hurried passed everyone who called out to her.

Erielle was somewhere in between. She wasn't willing to throw herself at every guy who thought she was beautiful. There were a lot considering how rare of a beauty she was with her red hair and bright blue eyes so deep any man could drown in them. Sometimes she found herself gaping at the cat calls, unable to even speak. Other times, she let herself flirt a little.

Their favorite place in all of Italy was Fiordo di Furore on the Amalfi Coast where they could spend all day warm in the sun. A beautiful little town with gorgeous turquoise water and sheer rocks shooting a hundred feet into the air. She and her two besties took several day trips to sunbathe warm on the sand and explore the shops. Every visit Erielle was sure to go to a charming antique shop called Pesce Piccolo. It was full of wonderful things! Not only was it the perfect place to get unique souvenirs, it also had the most dreamy young man working there with his family. 

Her last visit to his shop she told him she would be going home to America that week. She had learned Italian pretty well after living there for just four moths. He asked her for one last adventure with him. They went on a walk hand in hand down the beach to the iconic bridge. It was unusually free of tourists. Gazing into each others eyes they leaned in for a kiss.

Bash! Right in the head, a volleyball hit Erielle, knocking her to the ground. Insult to injury, the only kiss she got during the whole trip to Italy was on the back of her hand after he helped her up.

When she returned home from her trip she seemed less devastated from the loss of her mother. She was less determined to follow in her footsteps as a member of the Sirens but felt she owed it to her mother. Her three older sisters had already made the Sirens team and had gone on missions with their dad, the head of the Seal Team. 

It was less than a year after she graduated that she was already being scouted for a Sirens team. Two years after that Ursula joined her team. While she didn't have as much experience in the military, she was a sorcerous when it came to seducing men and taking control of any situation.

Three years after that they were both bridesmaids in Deidra's wedding, who would soon become a mother to a set of twins. Erielle envied her. What must it be like to be a mom and a wife. What I would give to be part of a family like that. 

One evening she was talking with her grandmother about how fast paced her life was and how she sometimes dreams of settling down and having a family.

"I want meaning in my life. Everywhere I go I am unnoticed and forgotten. I need connection."

"You're looking at it all wrong. Your life's path is just different. In the military, especially the sect of the military your family is part of, you get to save the world behind the scenes so that others can have those comfortable lives. You get to disappear as if you never existed, knowing that you actually made a difference in the world. You don't need the recognition." Her words were meant to comfort, instead they made Erielle realize she couldn't even open up to her grandmother any more.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! 

She was paged in for an urgent mission involving the mafia in Naples, Italy. She and Ursula looked at each other with nostalgic excitement. 

"We're going back to Italy!" Ursula squealed as they left the briefing.

"It's been almost ten years! I actually can't believe this is our first time to go back." There was bounce in Erielle's step.

Erielle spent most of the flight reflecting on her life and what she really wanted out of it. Could she be selfish enough to leave the Sirens team that she had spent her whole life working toward? Finally she decided to confide in her closest friend.

"Ursula," she whispered, 

"Ciao, Bella." She said with a wink.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Always. What's up?"

"Do you ever wish you had what Deidra has?"

"Stretchmarks, poopy diapers, and a fat man in my bed? No." Ursula thrived in this kind of environment. Flings in each city she visited, no real names, no real future. "I'm kidding. Well, I'm not, but there's nothing wrong with her life. It's what she wants. Are you thinking you would rather have that, too, instead of this glamorous life we have?" She gestured to the dull neutral colored walls of the cargo plane. 

"I mean," Guilt and shame flooded her body and leaked out her eyes.

"Hey," Ursula moved off her cot to kneel beside Erielle. She put her hand on her back, which helped calm her instantly.

"I just-- Going back to Italy reminds me of the happiest time of my life. And the more I think about it, that might have been the only time in my life I was truly and effortlessly happy. These missions and trying to be perfect all the time, it's taxing, you know."

"Il meglio è il nemico del bene." A phrase they learned the first time they were in Italy. It means the perfect is the enemy of good. "You don't owe anyone anything. Not your family. Not the military. Not your mom." She knew Erielle's mom had given her life in the line of duty and that somehow made her feel a responsibility to continue in her shoes. "Let me help you."

Ursula devised a plan to help Erielle disappear like sea foam in the ocean. 

"I can't just go awol."

"Ai Mali Estremi, Estremi Rimedi. Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures”

The Sirens team parachuted into the sea outside of Naples. As soon as Erielle hit the water she detached her chute and used the training and her natural gift to swim for the next three hours at which point she used the help of a handheld propeller device every Siren keeps in her go bag. Another couple hours got her to a shore. And not just any shore, she recognized the towering cliffs. Relief allowed her to float on her back and rest.

As she got closer to the landmark that she fell in love with all those years ago she saw some people cliff diving. It's the wee hours of the morning, why would they be out at this hour? She was meters away from them as she spied on their fun. Suddenly they all jumped at once. One man landed on another man knocking him out and pushing him deeper into the water. In the commotion none of the party noticed or realized until they were out of the water and clambering back up the cliffside. 

Erielle could hear their voices change from happy and excited to worried. Then they started shouting for the man under the water.

"Sebastian!"

"Sebastian!"

She dove deep, using the light on the propeller until she spotted him. She grabbed him and pulled him up to the surface. She couldn't take him right back to the crowd he was with, they would question where she came from. So she took him to the other side of the cliffs. Compressing his chest to push the water out and blowing into his mouth to push the air in. Again and again she repeated these steps. And then it worked. 

He coughed. He breathed. He lived.

My Fiancé Ghosted Me

My fiancé ghosted me three weeks before we were supposed to get married. I know it was three weeks because my daughters and I were keeping a countdown in our room and it stayed on "21" for about three months.

As you can imagine I was devastated.

It was impossible for me to comprehend how this person, whom I had trusted with my whole soul, could have done this. No word or explanation. Just emptiness.

That's all I could feel for the first week. I was empty. The only thing holding me together was my skin, and I wish that would have given way to let the hollowness drain away so I wouldn't have to exist any more. I didn't eat for the first week. My stomach was completely empty. I could only handle sips of water.

My moms support was also invaluable. She literally held me when I felt like I couldn't any more. She drafted and printed UN-announcements to send to all the guests we had just invited. It was humiliating. 

My maid of honor had already prepared the food for my bridal shower for that weekend so she brought it to my empty apartment. I had to message everyone to let them know I wasn't feeling well enough to have a party. Which was certainly no lie. Instead of celebrating and preparing for one of the happiest days of my life, I sat in the dark, with no one but my best friend and my mom, and binged the entire first season of Wednesday. The show was dark enough for me to be okay with watching it at the time. I felt immense guilt letting all that finger food go uneaten.  

Over the next couple weeks I had to return as many things I had ordered for the wedding. From disposable wine glasses to tiny vials for olive oil that would have been our party favors. But then the packages began arriving. dozens of gifts I had to deal with. I couldn't face them. The hurt was crippling.

His older sister showed me incredible kindness. She was the only one of their family to reach out to me. She shared parts of her own story and reassured me that she cared for me. It simultaneously made it harder and easier. Easier because of her kindness and perspective. Harder because I was also losing her because of her brothers selfish choice. I don't know why his mother never reached out. This was nearly as hurtful to me as what he had done. It would have been nice to at least get a text saying, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. I really wanted you to be my daughter-in-law. I love you." But that, it seems, was too much to ask.

My whole life crumbled around me. It wasn't just losing my best friend and partner for the past three years. It was losing family dinner on Sundays. It was losing eight nieces and nephews whom I adored more than they could have realized. It was losing the life we had created and planned. And worst of all, it was losing my unborn babies, who I never got to have, but was promised. I was losing a step dad for my kids. It was losing a travel partner. I felt like a loser. Except when I held my kids. Especially when we got to snuggle at night.

It has been about four months and I am finally starting to be okay. I don't cry every day. But I do feel angry a lot.

________________________________________________

I want to create a website or app to support other women who have gone through something similar. One of the hardest things about going through hard things is feeling we are alone in them. I knew there were other broken engagements, but I didn't know who had been through them. God sent me a message on facebook bringing one girl to my attention. That was a blessing and a help.

It would have a Spotify playlist that people could contribute to. It would have angsty songs.

It would have a Flower Subscription box.

It would have a journal Section for individual user to use.

And it would have a community forum.

There would be local meetups to go dancing or to movies.

and maybe even merchandise like body pillows and the rose.

________________________________________________

Information from the internet on Ghosting. 

A person ghosting typically has little acknowledgment of how it will make the other person feel. Ghosting is associated with negative mental health effects on the person on the receiving end and has been described by some mental health professionals as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse or cruelty.

It shows you have no respect for another person's feelings. It say you are inconsiderate and don't care much about the impact or consequences of your actions. It's easier than breaking up but it also shows you have no character when you choose easy over integrity.

The act of ghosting is a power move that someone with narcissistic personality disorder may use. There are many reasons why someone might ghost you. It may be because they lost interest and want to avoid the conflict of telling you this personally. It may be they want to see your reaction and how much you care.

Like most ghosts people report having experienced, you're just an annoying practitioner of “now you see me, now you don't.” Ghosting is akin to Gaslighting because it's a denial, a charade. And it rejects the worthiness of another human being and the impact of the exchange that may have happened between you.

Ghosting is defined as the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without any explanation, and completely withdrawing from all forms of communication.

Beauty and Beast

  CHAPTER 8

HOW I LOVE YOU

 

The Beast lay bleeding on the balcony when Belle arrived to his room in the west wing. Her heart sank in her chest when she saw the servants gathered around the window to the balcony. She knew something was wrong. Everything was wrong. Somber and sobbing, Belle was on the balcony in a heartbeat and threw herself to her knees beside him. “No!” she sobbed, “You can’t die! You can’t leave me.” She stroked his hair and caressed his face. “Don’t die. Please don’t die. I love you. I'll marry you. Come back to me.”

Belle didn’t notice the last petal falling as the Beast drew his dying breath. Upon the exhale, his final words: “Belle, my only love.”

It seemed like everything else in the world disappeared in that moment. A crack in the air, like sharp thunder; and the wafting of a strong breeze arrived all around them as the very earth and castle shook. The servants all lost their footing and fell back into their master’s room, they then let out cries of confusion.

The fallen petals from the rose danced slowly in the air over the Beast’s body. Belle tried to shake the confusion from her mind. But the Beast’s cloak began to rise and envelope his lifeless body like a cocoon. Belle tried to keep her grip on him, but her grasp slipped as the enchantment lifted him into the air. 

The pieces from the balcony flew up from the ground and restored what had broken in the battle to protect its master. Belle braced herself as her entire surroundings transformed. The gargoyles flew back to their perch and their horns shrunk into their heads along with their wings. Their faces turned gentle, now more like cherubs.

There were cries that came from inside the castle. Sounds of breaking dishes and banging cupboards.

Still, Belle didn't move. Her eyes never left the cloak that twisted and writhed in the air. When it turned vertical, she gasped, horrified that it would drop her beloved beast off the side of the castle to a final resting place alongside the murderer, Baxter.

“No–” she murmured, but as he smoothly slipped out of the entanglement to crouch in front of Belle with his head hanging down. She lifted a hand to brush his hair out of his face and realized there was less face there than there was before. No snout. No horns. But instead, a human face with soft flesh and dark facial hair. He looked up at her with his same gentle eyes. 

“Belle”

He called her name in his same gentle voice. He shrugged out of his heavy fur coat as he stood up. She watched him grow taller as he arose, but not nearly as tall as she knew the Beast to be. She stared at him confused and concerned. 

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach," He spoke quietly, but with words he knew she would recognize. "For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day’s most quiet need," He continued and extended his hand to help her up. She took it and he lifted her with ease. "By sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with a passion." They kissed. 

A loud clatter of cheering, applause, and hooting came tumbling onto the balcony from the Beast’s room. 

"Beau! Prince Beaumont! We did it! Er-you did it!” Fulbright, Elgin, Mrs. Potts, and Chip all ran onto the balcony–as humans, along with Otto, the sheepdog, all hugging and examining one another’s transformations. 

“It has been ten years since the enchantress put that spell on us, but you look just the same, old boy!” Fulbright rejoiced, lifting Elgin’s arms. 

Belle watched as the dark, weedy nettles became lush green vines and fluffy purple blossoms of wisteria. “I knew it had once been beautiful.” She stretched her arms out and spun around. 

Chip pulled on his mother’s apron. “I’m hungry, Mother.”

“Well let’s go see what’s in the kitchen, my dear Chip.”

“Trueley?” Maurice’s quivering voice came from the open window.

Mrs. Potts turned towards him in shock. “Maurice!” She cried and hurried over to embrace her husband.

“I thought you were killed in that dreadful storm all those years ago.”

“No dearie, just frozen in time with a cloud over my mind.”

Belle turned to recognize her mother and then her older… er… little brother, Charles.

Mr. Fulbright lit the standing candelabra in the hallway as they all started down to the kitchen. I think this calls for more than a snack!”

“You are so right, old friend,” Prince Beaumont twirled Belled under his arm. “Let’s throw a Ball! Elgin, send invitations to all the villagers and townsfolk in the whole kingdom!”

“You mean those same villagers that were just overrunning the castle and trying to kill us?

“Oh, c’mon, Elgy! They were under a spell.” Prince Beau gazed into Belle’s face and stroked her cheek with the back of his fingertip. “They won’t remember a thing.”

“A ball!” Mrs. Potts piped up. “Oh, won’t that be splendid! But Sir, we can’t just tell them that none of us has been human for the past ten years. What occasion will we be celebrating?”

Beau took Belle by both hands, and she smiled and nodded. 

“A wedding!”

Beauty and the Beast

  CHAPTER 6

FIGHTING FOR LOVE

 

How could I let her go? 

Not only was he condemning himself to an eternity as a monster, but also his servants. It wasn’t their fault, and they shouldn’t have to be punished. If only there was a way for them to be freed, even if he could never be.

A knock at his door pulled him from his dark thoughts to his dark room. 

“What is it, Elgin?”

“It’s the villagers,” he said. “They’re attacking the castle.”

“Attacking the castle?” Dismayed, the Beast knew he was repulsive, but he never thought that Belle would send people to kill him, after everything they had been through and how much they had shared. He understood her not wanting to marry a beast but didn't think she was capable of such a betrayal. Surely, Belle was incapable of wanting him dead. 

“What are we to do?” Mrs. Potts asked in her sing-song voice. 

“Just let them come,” he turned toward their surprised faces. Maybe if he died his servants would be free of the curse. “Save yourselves. Leave me.”

“How can he say that?” Mrs. Potts asked. She never thought that he’d give up.

“We need to fight back,” Elgin stated. “We cannot let these scoundrels destroy our home.”

“He’s right!” Fulbright joined in. “We must protect our home!”

The thundering on the doors stopped only when they burst open letting floods of townsmen to enter the castle. Suddenly the quiet darkness vanished as the men ran in waving their torches and weapons. Their weapons were crude but could still damage their appliance-like bodies.

Fulbright directed many of the intruders down the same corridor Belle had first discovered, directly into the dungeon. Then he locked them in to protect his master.

Others were led into the kitchen where Mrs. Potts and her children dumped boiling tea on the men. They dropped their weapons to shield their heads. The oven flared and the knives sprang into action. These terrified townsmen tore from the castle. 

Another mass of people was headed toward the west wing. They found Belles' favorite room in the whole castle. The library. Perfect kindling to set the castle ablaze. They shoved their torches into the shelves and onto the furniture. 

"Now!" Elgin chimed just in time. The books fell from the shelved, clobbering the arsons and extinguishing the flames.

“The house is fighting back!” One of the few men who were left shouted as he ran out of the castle.

“That’s preposterous,” a plump man shook his head.

“Is it, though?” Fulbright asked. 

The plump man turned to searched for where the voice came from. “Down here,” Fulbright caught the small man’s coat’s hem on fire. 

The men in the castle dwindled to just one man as the rest ran screaming from the Beasts home. 

“We did it!” The servants cheered.

The Beast watched the townspeople scramble out of the castle and felt proud that his servants were able to defend the castle. That’s good. Maybe that’ll mean they’ll be okay after all.

His door swung open slamming against the wall. “I’m impressed you managed to–” he turned, expecting to see his servants, but a man stood in the doorway. “Who are you?”

“I’m Baxter,” he snarled. 

That's Baxter? The Beast had heard about him from Belle. She'd said she couldn't stand him. She must absolutely detest the Beast, if she ran to Baxter for refuge and protection.

“You dared to trap Belle here, but now she’s home. She’ll be my bride and I’m going to kill you, beast!”

“Go ahead.” the Beast didn't move from his window seat, rather resumed his gaze out the window.

Baxter was irritated that the Beast wasn't afraid of him. "I'm a master hunter. I kill every mark I make. And this time, you're my prey." He crept through the room with soft steps as if he were stalking his target to get the best shot. “It won’t be a challenge if you just sit there, coward. Fight!” 

The Beast stood with his shoulders hunched. He had no reason for fighting back. Belle had betrayed him, and it was too late to try again. The only hope he had left was to give his own life to break the curse on his castle and save his servants who had always stood by him.

“That’s better,” Baxter said as he drew his bow and sent an arrow into the Beasts shoulder. 

"GRRR-OWW!" The Beast growled in pain.

"Ha-ha!" Baxter laughed. "Aw, look how sad you are." feigning sympathy. "Pathetic!" He smirked and came closer to the beast. He grabbed ahold of the soft fur on the back of his neck and jerked it toward the window. There's no denying Baxter is strong - he was able to thwark the beast out of the window and onto the balcony. Disappointed he didn't fall to his death; he sent another arrow into his neck. Then he climbed out after him.

The Beast let another tremulous growl that shook Baxter's footing. His anguished cry drew the attention of one more townsperson who was just arriving to the castle. She looked up to see the two men who had persistently asked her to marry him respectively, on the roof. 

"Beast!" She called, hoping her voice would be able to carry all the way up to him. 

The gargoyles eyes glowed at the sound of her voice. They broke free of their stone fixture and flew to the Beasts aid. One took the bow from Baxter's hand two others lifted the Beast so he could see Belle and regain his hope. 

The servants had gathered in the Beasts room and were watching from the window, unable to do anything to help from there. 

"Oh dear." Mrs. Pott's poured over the whole situation. 

The Beast planted his feet and then stood to his full height, far surpassing Baxter. He took a step towards Baxter who retrieved his dagger and swatted at the hovering gargoyles. The Beast leaped toward him on the balcony to defend his castle and those who relied on him but Baxter took his opportunity to plunge his weapon into the beast's chest.  A blood curdling shriek came from the beast and his servants, as if their fate were tied to his. The balcony broke sending Baxter off the roof and down to his death.

Beauty and the Beast

  CHAPTER 5

THE CONDEMNING SACRIFICE

 

Belle had softened considerably toward the Beast. She saw his compassionate side and could tell that he wanted to learn how to be more selfless. She felt bad for only calling him Beast, but then she didn't know if he had a name, and by now she felt too awkward to ask. Everyone else at the castle just called him master, and that was certainly not something she was willing to do. 

Some of the books that they had talked about were about history and technology. He told her about far off places in such vivid and illustrative ways that she could almost see it in her mind. 

She began to allow him to join her as she explored different parts of the castle. Rooms he hadn't bothered to enter in years. They would bring a book and read it together. He was patient with her every night as she fled from him at the question he always asked. He knew he was unlovable, but he still had to try.

He was pleased with her reaction to his invitation to a special evening. They planned to eat an exotic meal followed by dancing. 

It surprised her that she was so excited about it. She felt she had finally found adventure, even though she could not leave the castle grounds. 

In a way it made sense. She had always been an introvert and felt overwhelmed with the amount of people in her small town, only to find refuge in books. She loved the diverse spaces that she found on the grounds and in the castle. She felt a sense of freedom in her isolation. But there was more to her happiness than the lack of unwelcome noses in her life - it was also the companionship she found in this gentle Beast. 

There was clearly more to him than the hardened and harrowed outward appearance. 

He listened to her. He learned from her. He enjoyed her company for who she is and not just for what she looked like. They found connection through hardship. One was known only for being beautiful, the other, only for being hideous. Both superficial. Neither showing what they truly had to offer.

Belle dressed in the most glamorous golden ball gown with roses embroidered into it with real gold thread. She wore silk gloved up past her elbows and shoes that glimmered in the candlelight. 

The Beast was nervous. 

He had felt something change inside of him. When around Belle, he felt like a person again. It seemed as though she could see through the disfigured face and body into his soul. He felt he could be vulnerable with her. He had told her about his fears and loneliness and the tragic loss of his parents at a young age. He wanted to tell her everything, but even more than that, he wanted to hear what she thought and hoped for, and dreamed of, and loved. He wanted to know what worried her, and what made her who she was. He loved her. And he wanted to tell her. So, he planned a special evening just for her. An evening to include all the things she said she loved from the books she read. Formal dancing, different cultures, delicious dinners. He wanted to give her everything she had ever dreamed of. He wanted to make her happy.

Dressed in the finest suit, and freshly groomed, the Beast waited for Belle at the bottom of the stairwell that led to her wing of the castle. His breath caught in his chest as the butterflies in his stomach launched into a flurry. She descended in seemingly slow motion. His gaze never left her as he climbed the few steps to meet her. She took his hand and he led her to the dining table. It was romantic. It was fun. It was nothing short of magical.

The Beast nervously stood to ask Belle for a dance, 

“Would you care for a dance?” The Beast asked nervously as he held out his paw. 

“Of course,” she replied and joined him.

As they waltzed, Belle said she felt like a princess, twirling around the ballroom. She dizzily fell into his arms, both of them smiling and laughing as they swayed together. 

They danced onto the balcony, but the Beast tripped on the threshold, pulling Belle over with him. 

“Are you all right?” The Beast asked, crouching over her, worried that he had crushed her.

Belle laughed. "I'm fine, you big pillow." Her hand still around his neck they gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment. Then he rolled onto his back to lay beside her. They looked at the stars in the sky, watching them glimmer.

"If you could wish on a shooting star, what would you wish for?" The Beast asked.

Belle smiled at the thoughtful question. "You know I'm happy here," She started.

"I'm glad."

"You've given me so much of what I've always dreamed of. But if I could wish for anything, I would wish to see my family again. My father is all I have left, and I miss him."

The beast's heart pricked.  He had planned to ask her to marry him after telling her how he felt. But instead of telling her how deeply he loved her, he showed it. 

"You can see him again." He whispered. 

"What?" She asked, not knowing what he meant. Was he going to let her leave? She felt a sadness creep in at the thought of it. 

"Come with me." The Beast said as he stood and effortlessly lifted the delicate girl up as well. 

Belle's thoughts were racing. What could this mean? Is he going to leave his castle and take her to see her father? He can't do that; people would kill him. He led her to the west wing of the castle and carefully lifted a mirror from the mantle.

"This looking glass lets you see what you ask of it, but like a mirror, what you see is real but not always true." He explained and handed it to her.

"Show me Papa, please."

Her face disappeared to reveal her father all alone, pale, and gaunt. He was in his bed and looked close to death. 

Belles’s heart dropped. She had been picturing him happily working on inventions while munching on treats like he'd always done. Before she could say anything, the Beast said, 

"You have to go to him."

She looked at him in dismay. 

"He needs you more than I do."

He knew that if she left the curse would never be lifted and he would never know love again. But he couldn't bear to see her suffer, and he knew that if he didn't let her go see her father now, she would never get over that. And she would hold it against him. In a way it was selfish, but in the most unselfish way. 

Belle hugged the Beast tight and long. When she finally pulled away her hands trailed down his arms. Part of her didn't want to leave him. He needed her. And she had come to care so deeply for him. 

"Thank you."

She said and hurried out of the room.

"Come back to me." The Beast breathed the near inaudible hope that he knew would never come true. Then quoted a poem by Ms. Browning, which had recently become his favorite. 

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

I love thee with the breath, 

Smiles, tears, of all my life; 

I shall love thee better after death.

Belle left that night. A beautiful black carriage with red velvet cushions took her all to her doorstep. She rushed through the door to find Baxter serving her father soup.

"Baxter?!" Belle gasped, shocked to see him in her home wearing her apron and more shocked to see him doing something for someone other than himself. 

"Belle!" Both men called with surprise.

"Are you all right?"  She and her father asked each other in unison. 

"How did you escape that awful beast?" Maurice coughed.

“He let me go. To come back to you.” 

Baxter's brows pulled together. “It's a ploy, he's manipulating her to get what he wants.”

“No, he's actually not so bad,” She blushed, thinking about their dance and conversations.

"That's good, sweetheart," her father took one of her hands in both of his. "I will never let you be in danger again." Maurice took one of Baxter's hands and joined it with Belle's. "Baxter is strong and brave. He will never let that beast near you again."

This time Belle's brow furrowed. "Father...?" She pulled her hand away from both of them. 

"He can protect you. And he will be a good husband. "

Belle felt the room wobble. "Then you've made an arrangement with him? "

"I won't be around forever, or even much longer, and I need to know you'll be taken care of. "

Belle excused herself, needed air and space to think. She looked around for the carriage that had just dropped her off, but only heard a small voice call her name. 

She looked around to find chip. 

"What are you doing here? "She asked. 

"You left without saying goodbye. I had to come along. You're family. "

At that she knew what she had to do and returned inside. 

"Father, I'm glad to see that you're okay. But I have to find my own way, and this is not it for me. I'm going back. And you can come with me!"

"What?!" Baxter slammed his hand on the table spilling the soup. "I've spent weeks with this pathetic old man, just to be rejected and passed over for a hideous beast?" He was furious. 

He slammed the door on his way out and blockaded it with barrels. 

"If you won't have me," He yelled, "You won't have anyone!" 

Then he went to rile up the rest of the town to go kill her beloved beast.