New and Happy

This year has been full of new things. In every area of my life. I feel like every nook and cranny of my time is filling up. Miraculously, it seems to fit together like a puzzle. It's been exhausting, intimidating, and wonderful. I have started a new relationship and have encountered a new trial. 

I have been divorced for about a year and a half and my marriage was over about three years ago. But as I've gotten closer to this new person in my life, especially in physical ways, I have felt guilt creep in, relating to my ex-husband. I don't understand it, especially considering that it didn't happen at all - not even a little bit - with the last two guys.

As I was confiding this strange and unexpected occurrence in my best friend she told me it must be from satan.

After the first couple days of spending time with this new person, I had been feeling a lot of anxiety about entering another new relationship, especially so quickly with someone I barely knew. My heart was feeling fragile and unforgiving and I didn't want to get into anything serious for another several months. 

I tried to resist, but God seems to continually send me the unforeseeable. He comforted my indecisive mind while in the temple, speaking to my heart, telling me this is His child and I need to give him a chance and get to know him.

After everything I've been through, I have learned to always follow the Lords commands. Even if I don't understand the reasons and even if it doesn't work out the way I think it should or wish it would. I trust that God has a plan for me.

I have followed the Lords guidance and I have been calm about moving forward one step at time. What I have found is that the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. I also feel an easy happiness. I feel happy when I'm with him. I feel happy thinking about him. And I feel happy after we spend time together. I'm happy. 

I have made a conscious effort in the last several months to welcome into my life the things that bring a smile to my face. I'm glad I have done that in this case.

He makes me smile.

He's so sweet to me. He's respectful. I learn new and interesting things from him. He's not perfect, which is good because neither am I. He's easy and fun to talk to. He loves his family. And he seems to have goals that are in line with what I'm looking for in a person.

One thing I wish he would do more of is be more open and vulnerable with me. I think that will come in time, but I feel like he's got an advantage in this area. I have worked so hard over the last year to be open and share some of my story here on my blog. I don't share everything, in fact there's a lot about me that I keep to myself. But there's a lot I do share, and have shared with him and I want him to share real things with me, too.

I want to know all the things. Makes me think of this song.

Embarrassingly, when I got home today my mom thought I was so cute texting him that she took a picture.

Peace

I never do well with new things. I hate being the new person, and feel anxiety when faced with having to meet someone new, learn something new, or do something new. This creeps into relationships in a bad way - I tend to run and hide, emotionally and physically. I think it's based out of caution. I've been hurt, so I am always slow and cautious when approaching something new.

This year I've been trying to embrace the new. I haven't been great at it, and I have already run away to hide, but I'm trying. I want to be a new version of myself. I have started a new medication to help with my anxiety and I feel like a cloud has been removed from my mind. I had one day where I couldn't get out of bed until 3pm, but that is a lot better than before when it's taken a whole week. I feel like I'm overcoming some of the challenges in my life, but I'm being met with new and wholly different ones.

I was lacking peace in my life and feeling overwhelmed. But when I went to the temple last Friday, and sat down in the chapel, I was filled with peace. I was still. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I was able to still my mind in the presence of my God and I could feel His awareness of me and His love for me. I felt comfort in moving forward and I trust Him to never lead me somewhere I shouldn't be.

Today Calee Reed shared this song and I actually don't think i've heard it before. Peace is something I seek on a daily basis. It's something I just told my friend I would ask God for if I could have anything. I'm so grateful to know where to find it, and that I have been blessed with so much of it.

What a Year!

This has been a really interesting week. It held emotional highs and lows and included new and interesting people. I feel like there is too much to tell, and I don't even know where to start, so I'm going to skip it for now. And jump to today!

I went to four hours of church. I got another calling. I met another new person. And added more to my already busy schedule. And I got a nap. Allow me elaborate.

I went to my family ward without my children and it felt weird and wrong. I didn't realize what was off until halfway through the first meeting. Before the second meeting started I was pulled aside by a member of the bishopric and was asked to serve in the RS presidency. I had about a half an hour at home before I needed to leave for my mid-singles ward so I laid down on my bed to rest briefly...

Forty minutes later... I was so tired because I was on a date until late and then I did a really hard workout with heavier weights than I had been using last year and then I showered and played a game on my phone until after 2am. So then I opened my eyes and had no time left - church started in 8 minutes. So I hurried over and made in time!

A couple testimonies in particular stood out to me today. The first was the one that talked about how God will help you manage your time when you do what He asks of you. I was stressing a little about eveything that is piling up on my plate. Three jobs. Two (big) callings. Two kids. A social life. Art. Writing. Working out. Etc. Yeesh! I'm excited about it, but I don't know how it is all going to fit together. The other one was about new years resolutions and focusing less on what you DO and more on who you ARE.

After Sunday school a guy approached my friend and me. He said it was his first time in an LDS church building and he got there just as the closing prayer was being offered. We welcomed him and invited him to stay for dinner since we were having break the fast. He sat with us at our table and I heard half a dozen people ask him the same question, "What brings you here?" I think each time it made him think about it a little more. He said, "I don't know, it was like a little bird on my shoulder told me to come." I thought, That's the Spirit! I felt so excited and wanted to make sure he was welcomed and would come back. I introduced him to some friends and he shared little bits of his story with each new person. Then the missionaries happened to join our table. We learned that he's looking for a job and staying with a friend, surviving on ramen noodles. He was able to take some left overs home. It made me think of how Jesus fed the thousands physically and then spiritually.

When we were done eating the missionaries invited him to have a discussion which I was a part of along with two other friends. He was so receptive of everything and shared some really powerful insights of his own. He gave the closing prayer and brought me to tears with some of what he said. He expressed that he didn't know why he was there but recognized the Lords guidance. It was a really special experience.