I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life. When I was a child I thought it was normal to have to lay in bed for a long time before drifting off to sleep.
Insomnia has caused me to think about sleep differently. What is this strange place we call sleep, anyway? How do you go there or drift there or fall there? It's like a room with no doors or windows. It's a room that is not a room. It's a place that is not a place. It can be anywhere and nowhere. It can defy laws of nature and physics. It can make things clearer and it can be impossible to describe in reality.
As a youth I tried lots of things to help me go to sleep, from crazy to common. Things like: Smelling onions. Concentrating on my breathing. Counting sheep --whatever that means. Counting down from 100... and then back up. And so many more. Some things may have helped, other things not so much. Nevertheless, nothing stuck.
At one point I thought maybe I was afraid to fall asleep. Just the idea of it is a little frightening. How far is the drop and will it hurt when I get there? I sometimes had really scary nightmares that I woke up from either crying or screaming. But I also had some really cool and beautiful dreams that I didn't want to wake up from.
Once I became an art major I embraced my insomnia. I stayed up all night making art. I slept when I was completely worn out, and had a little time for it --no matter what time it was.
Now that I'm married and pregnant, I don't have the luxury of living that way (thankfully). But it's easier to have a more regular routine. I go to bed at night with my husband. And even if it takes me a lot longer to surrender to sleep, I love laying in bed beside him. Feeling his heart beat into my back as the baby kicks in my belly. Listening to him breath. And feeling his strong, protective arms around me keeping me safe.
Now I don't have to fear my nightmares, which have been awful during this pregnancy, because I know he's right there. Warm and loving. Now I don't have to go to sleep to dream sweet dreams, because my dream come true is right next to me.
