I seriously have the best man in my life that I could have asked for. But actually I couldn't have dreamed him up. He treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.
Every day he tells me how much he loves me, and the crazy thing is that I actually really believe him. He says,
"Guess what!"
"What?"
"I freaking love you!"
A couple days ago I was having a hard day and he said this. I told him I love him, too, but then his tone changed and expounded, "No, but seriously, I love you."
A couple weeks ago we were making funny faces at each other, because we're goofballs. And I said, "I can't not smile right now." His response made me cry. He said, "Good. I think that's the best sentence you've ever said. I'm going to make that the goal for the the rest of my life. It's at the top of my to do list everyday in permanent ink."
I didn't know I could be loved like that.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the end of last year. I've started taking medication that helps with it. It has helped a lot and I haven't had bad thoughts since I started it. Like the serious kind of bad thoughts. The kind that ends it all. Until yesterday. I felt like I was relapsing and it made me worry.
What if my medication isn't working anymore? What if I'm taking too high a dose. or too low a dose? Or what if there's something worse that's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be getting better and potentially not needing to taking it in a year, but here I am at the happiest time of my life thinking about throwing myself off the top of the stairs.
It brought a lot of fear into my mind. I retreated from reality as much as I could and tried to hide away. But that only made me feel worse. After I got my kids in bed I went over to Trevor's and we talked and cuddled. We both vulnerably confided in each other about different fears we each have and he held me as I sobbed. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me that we couldn't work through. And he told me that it's okay to feel bad sometimes because he will always be there to hold me.
I freaking love this man.
At the beginning of our relationship he would look at me for a bit and then put his hand out as if he were asking for something. I would look at him questioningly.
"Give it back." He'd say.
"What?"
"My breath."
The first few times I would roll my eyes bashfully, but then I began to blow it back to him like I was blowing bubbles.
I have dozens of these little stories that illustrate just how incredibly lucky I am. But I found a song that says it perfectly.
I prayed him into my life. In college I remember praying for my eternal companion. I would pray for him at that time. I would pray for him to feel God's love for him and even my love for him. I would pray for us to overcome what we were each going through and be ready for each other when we finally found each other. After my divorce and toward the end of my marriage I would pray for a man with the qualities that he has. That I need in a man.
I truly am blessed to have him in my life. He supports me. He loves me. He understands me (and when he doesn't he tries to). He struggles, as I do. And we are committed to be there for each other through our respective mental illnesses. I don't know how I deserve such an incredible man, but I'm grateful for him every single day.
I'm grateful for our similarities. I'm grateful for our differences. I'm grateful for the way he is with my children and I'm grateful that they love him, too. I'm grateful for the strengths we each have and how we compliment each other. I am grateful that God brought us together when He did and how he did. And I'm grateful for His hand in making sure we didn't miss this miracle.
Meeting and choosing each other was miraculous and occurred through divine intervention. We have both gone through a lot. We've both suffered and have endured incredible pain. During those trials, I couldn't understand, I couldn't see the Lords plan. But I was living it. God knew what He was doing. What He was allowing to happen. He understood how the choices being made all around me were affecting where I would end up. I am grateful for this miracle.
Becky had this quote on her wall while I lived with her that influenced me more than I realized at the time. I've thought of it many times over the years and through the darkest and most challenging times of my life.
Every day he tells me how much he loves me, and the crazy thing is that I actually really believe him. He says,
"Guess what!"
"What?"
"I freaking love you!"
A couple days ago I was having a hard day and he said this. I told him I love him, too, but then his tone changed and expounded, "No, but seriously, I love you."
A couple weeks ago we were making funny faces at each other, because we're goofballs. And I said, "I can't not smile right now." His response made me cry. He said, "Good. I think that's the best sentence you've ever said. I'm going to make that the goal for the the rest of my life. It's at the top of my to do list everyday in permanent ink."
I didn't know I could be loved like that.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the end of last year. I've started taking medication that helps with it. It has helped a lot and I haven't had bad thoughts since I started it. Like the serious kind of bad thoughts. The kind that ends it all. Until yesterday. I felt like I was relapsing and it made me worry.
What if my medication isn't working anymore? What if I'm taking too high a dose. or too low a dose? Or what if there's something worse that's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be getting better and potentially not needing to taking it in a year, but here I am at the happiest time of my life thinking about throwing myself off the top of the stairs.
It brought a lot of fear into my mind. I retreated from reality as much as I could and tried to hide away. But that only made me feel worse. After I got my kids in bed I went over to Trevor's and we talked and cuddled. We both vulnerably confided in each other about different fears we each have and he held me as I sobbed. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me that we couldn't work through. And he told me that it's okay to feel bad sometimes because he will always be there to hold me.
I freaking love this man.
At the beginning of our relationship he would look at me for a bit and then put his hand out as if he were asking for something. I would look at him questioningly.
"Give it back." He'd say.
"What?"
"My breath."
The first few times I would roll my eyes bashfully, but then I began to blow it back to him like I was blowing bubbles.
I have dozens of these little stories that illustrate just how incredibly lucky I am. But I found a song that says it perfectly.
I prayed him into my life. In college I remember praying for my eternal companion. I would pray for him at that time. I would pray for him to feel God's love for him and even my love for him. I would pray for us to overcome what we were each going through and be ready for each other when we finally found each other. After my divorce and toward the end of my marriage I would pray for a man with the qualities that he has. That I need in a man.
I truly am blessed to have him in my life. He supports me. He loves me. He understands me (and when he doesn't he tries to). He struggles, as I do. And we are committed to be there for each other through our respective mental illnesses. I don't know how I deserve such an incredible man, but I'm grateful for him every single day.
I'm grateful for our similarities. I'm grateful for our differences. I'm grateful for the way he is with my children and I'm grateful that they love him, too. I'm grateful for the strengths we each have and how we compliment each other. I am grateful that God brought us together when He did and how he did. And I'm grateful for His hand in making sure we didn't miss this miracle.
Meeting and choosing each other was miraculous and occurred through divine intervention. We have both gone through a lot. We've both suffered and have endured incredible pain. During those trials, I couldn't understand, I couldn't see the Lords plan. But I was living it. God knew what He was doing. What He was allowing to happen. He understood how the choices being made all around me were affecting where I would end up. I am grateful for this miracle.
Becky had this quote on her wall while I lived with her that influenced me more than I realized at the time. I've thought of it many times over the years and through the darkest and most challenging times of my life.
"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. If we seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added."
-Joseph Smith
(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 256)
-Joseph Smith
(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 256)
