Lately I've been really depressed. And I don't have many friends who truly understand what that means. I'm frustrated that people think that depression = sadness. It is not at all the same thing.
Sadness is a feeling that can change easily with your surroundings. You're allowed to feel sadness, but it's not a defining character. For example, I'm sad my grandma died. I miss her. At work today I felt sad about it and cried a little. I wish I could stop by her house after work to visit. Or call her. Or text her. O send her a letter in the mail. But I can't, because she's not there. Once I gave myself one or two minutes to cry I felt better and was able to get back to work. I can function like normal.
Depression is a beast of its own. This week was bad, but has been better than last week, which is surprising since I had my kids last week and not this week. Their presence usually helps keep me grounded, but last week was extra heavy. I was physically sick due to my overwhelming depression. I'm not exaggerating. I was diagnosed with sever depression. It's a real thing. A chronic illness that most people dismiss because they're ignorant to the reality that it is not the feeling of being sad.
I have talked about it before, but it is worse than it has been in a long time. Maybe because I went off the medication I had been on.
They prescribed me Lexapro, which worked wonderfully for it's purposed. It made the dark clouds go away and helped me regain control over my thoughts and feelings. I could see more clearly the intensions of people around me, and I could keep my cool easier. The downside is that it made me gain weight. A lot of weight. Which made me feel bad about myself. So because of that, and a few other reasons I decided to wean myself off and find a different way to manage my depression.
I want to start working out again regularly, like I used to. I know it will help me feel better, but I'm crippled. I can't get out of bed, I don't have energy, I feel so weak. It's a vicious cycle. I know that if I got back into that routine that I would enjoy it. I miss it, but my illness wont let me.
I feel like I need a partner, a motivator, but I have no one. I have no friends who live close to me. I have a few work friends, but they aren't reliable in pursuing a friendship. Plus, their values are so different from mine. I'm all for diversity, and I love my sexually active, foul-mouthed friends from work. I just need someone who will be still with me. Who will go to church with me, or just have someone to sit with. Who will go to the temple with me. Who will go on walks and hikes with me. Or even just someone who will invite me to a game night. I haven't been to a game night in probably five years.
I miss the life I had made for myself before the pandemic and before the toxic relationship that I gave way too much of my time. It sucks because you don't know someone is toxic until it's too late. They secure your heart, and then begin the abuse. He killed the girl I had become. And I really liked her. She was finally confident and recognized how amazing she was. I could actually see myself how others saw me, in a positive way . In a, wow, she's really fun, and beautiful.
I can't see that girl anymore. I picture myself as ugly, old, obese, and insecure (which is the most unattractive). I can't imagine anyone good and kind and genuine ever wanting to be with me or around me. I despise myself. Why would anyone else want to love me? I don't trust anyone. So I guess I can't blame anyone else for not wanting to be with me.
But I'm sad.
I'm sad because the dream is to find someone to grow old with. But it's too late for me. I'm already old. And I wont be ready to date anyone for a long time. If I ever get to the point of actually wanting to date again.
I'm so alone. I've actually had dreams lately where I'm so lonely that I call my sister and tell her how lonely I am. I'm dream confiding in my person. That's how lonely I am.
If you're alone and you lonely? Well you just don't have to be lonely... anymore.
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