It's been just over a year since my divorce was finalized. But my life as I knew it was over three years ago. I have had three years to cope and recover from losing my husband. While I did it alone, it would have been nice to have a support group of people who were like me. Whether it was exmosos (ex mormon significant others), single moms, widows, or any other human going through something blindingly hard. Honestly, I would have even settled for a pet, but I wasn't allowed to have one, even though I lived on a farm.
I couldn't let people in. I couldn't talk about it. If I did it would have made it too real. I couldn't face it. I kept hoping things would change. I kept praying for God to undo it. Where's the undo button in life? I wanted my husband to come back to God and to me. I felt unheard. But then I got an answer. It was an answer I didn't want, "This is not the question you should be asking." This was not the way forward.
I was depressed.
My perception was warped. I was alone. There were people who would have loved me, who have been there for me, but they didn't know what was going on. Or what I was going through. I can think of specific people who have reached out and shown they cared about me. A few (not all) are Julia, Mary, Eliza, my mom, Kimber, and of course Marrie, but she did pry her way into my life at the moment I absolutely needed her. I am thinking of more at this very moment, but no one wants to ready a list of names...
I needed to recognize what I had, but I couldn't see it. The mists of darkness I was living in were too thick to see all the good around me unless I worked really hard to actively look for it. Which I did. I've always looked for the good in my situation. I could recognize the good around me in the beauty of the earth, even during that time. I taught my children to take in a beautiful sunset, the plants in the neighborhood, and the birds singing in the trees.
I'm usually a happy person. Able to see the good. Able to smile. Able to be grateful. Able to choose God. Able to be positive. Able to choose to be happy.
It's one of my favorite choices. To choose what makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. But occasionally, when I have a high, I will also have a low that follows. I feel like me most of the time. I can choose to be happy and hopeful most of the time. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can barely choose to get out of bed. And some of those times I can't even do that. That is not me or who I want to be. On the flip side, there are times where I feel I accelerate into frustration. I have been praying for help in this area of my life. For a long time. I just want to be me all the time. I think I've finally accepted my answer.
I found a therapist. He gets me to open up and I like talking with him. He is different from me, but we share core values and he has shown me that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. He's also talked with me about how I can take control of my life again, and that there is no shame in it.
Heavenly Father can fix everything just the way we want, but He's not going to do that. That would take away so much growth for each of us. And it would keep us from the future He has in mind for us, which is far better than the future we can imagine for ourselves. Having said that, I think He wants us to choose for ourselves what we want. And I think He trusts us that we can recognize what does make us happy and brings us closer to Him.
A couple months ago I received a blessing. I will often feel like I need a blessing, but I'll go as long as I can without getting one. I had actually asked my dad for a blessing, but, I don't know, maybe he thought I was joking. Anyway, I had a couple members of the Elder's Quorum presidency come visit me and get to know me. I shared with them the positive things in my life and talked a lot about what was going right in my life. One of them lives down the street from me and has a daughter my age. He and his wife have been role models to me and I have looked up to them for most of my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the influence they've had on me over the years. He recently had a son get divorced, and it was ugly. He had a lot of sympathy for me and the situation I find myself in.
Before these two brethren left they were trying to figure out a way to offer me help. They know my dad, a general contractor and go-to guy of the ward, but they asked if they could give me a blessing. It caught me off guard and made me pause. I needed a blessing and wanted one. I accepted the offer. And while the one seemed to better understand what I was currently going through, I asked the other man who I've known for a quarter of a century to give it.
In this blessing he said several beautiful things. He talked about how the Lord doesn't want anyone to have to go through divorce, but the burden has been placed on my shoulders due to no actions on my part. He said I will be strengthened to be able to carry my burdens, to lift them and even have them be removed. But my favorite part, that he emphasized in the blessing, was when he said that I would soon know the reason why. The blessing continued with other personal things, but this part gives me the most hope. Hope is never lost. At the time I received the blessing I was feeling like I needed to put the walls back up around my heart and not let anyone else in because I had been hurt too many times. But that's not what God wants. That's not choosing happy.
Over the summer I felt strongly that I needed to do something I didn't want to do. It took me a month of wrestling with it, but I finally did it. It did not go the way I had hoped, but I could feel the urgency and importance of it. I knew I had been directed by God to do it. And I trusted that. Answers have come. And I feel happy about it now. Following the voice of the Spirit always matters.
1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I couldn't let people in. I couldn't talk about it. If I did it would have made it too real. I couldn't face it. I kept hoping things would change. I kept praying for God to undo it. Where's the undo button in life? I wanted my husband to come back to God and to me. I felt unheard. But then I got an answer. It was an answer I didn't want, "This is not the question you should be asking." This was not the way forward.
I was depressed.
My perception was warped. I was alone. There were people who would have loved me, who have been there for me, but they didn't know what was going on. Or what I was going through. I can think of specific people who have reached out and shown they cared about me. A few (not all) are Julia, Mary, Eliza, my mom, Kimber, and of course Marrie, but she did pry her way into my life at the moment I absolutely needed her. I am thinking of more at this very moment, but no one wants to ready a list of names...
I needed to recognize what I had, but I couldn't see it. The mists of darkness I was living in were too thick to see all the good around me unless I worked really hard to actively look for it. Which I did. I've always looked for the good in my situation. I could recognize the good around me in the beauty of the earth, even during that time. I taught my children to take in a beautiful sunset, the plants in the neighborhood, and the birds singing in the trees.
It's one of my favorite choices. To choose what makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. But occasionally, when I have a high, I will also have a low that follows. I feel like me most of the time. I can choose to be happy and hopeful most of the time. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can barely choose to get out of bed. And some of those times I can't even do that. That is not me or who I want to be. On the flip side, there are times where I feel I accelerate into frustration. I have been praying for help in this area of my life. For a long time. I just want to be me all the time. I think I've finally accepted my answer.
I found a therapist. He gets me to open up and I like talking with him. He is different from me, but we share core values and he has shown me that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. He's also talked with me about how I can take control of my life again, and that there is no shame in it.
Heavenly Father can fix everything just the way we want, but He's not going to do that. That would take away so much growth for each of us. And it would keep us from the future He has in mind for us, which is far better than the future we can imagine for ourselves. Having said that, I think He wants us to choose for ourselves what we want. And I think He trusts us that we can recognize what does make us happy and brings us closer to Him.
A couple months ago I received a blessing. I will often feel like I need a blessing, but I'll go as long as I can without getting one. I had actually asked my dad for a blessing, but, I don't know, maybe he thought I was joking. Anyway, I had a couple members of the Elder's Quorum presidency come visit me and get to know me. I shared with them the positive things in my life and talked a lot about what was going right in my life. One of them lives down the street from me and has a daughter my age. He and his wife have been role models to me and I have looked up to them for most of my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the influence they've had on me over the years. He recently had a son get divorced, and it was ugly. He had a lot of sympathy for me and the situation I find myself in.
Before these two brethren left they were trying to figure out a way to offer me help. They know my dad, a general contractor and go-to guy of the ward, but they asked if they could give me a blessing. It caught me off guard and made me pause. I needed a blessing and wanted one. I accepted the offer. And while the one seemed to better understand what I was currently going through, I asked the other man who I've known for a quarter of a century to give it.
In this blessing he said several beautiful things. He talked about how the Lord doesn't want anyone to have to go through divorce, but the burden has been placed on my shoulders due to no actions on my part. He said I will be strengthened to be able to carry my burdens, to lift them and even have them be removed. But my favorite part, that he emphasized in the blessing, was when he said that I would soon know the reason why. The blessing continued with other personal things, but this part gives me the most hope. Hope is never lost. At the time I received the blessing I was feeling like I needed to put the walls back up around my heart and not let anyone else in because I had been hurt too many times. But that's not what God wants. That's not choosing happy.
Over the summer I felt strongly that I needed to do something I didn't want to do. It took me a month of wrestling with it, but I finally did it. It did not go the way I had hoped, but I could feel the urgency and importance of it. I knew I had been directed by God to do it. And I trusted that. Answers have come. And I feel happy about it now. Following the voice of the Spirit always matters.
1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
No comments:
Post a Comment