Who Am I ??!

Growing up I knew exactly who I was. 

First and foremost, I was a child of God. 

I was a beloved daughter and sister in my family. I was the redheaded, middle-child, artist, who loved to climb trees and play in the mud.

In college I wanted to break out of my shy shell, so I prayed to be more witty. And I made sure to be socially active. As I went to BYU that means a lot of game nights, hikes, movie nights, random adventures, prayer circles, dances, and maybe even a special guest lecturer, and so on.

As I've grown older I've realized one of my key identities has been sister to The Great Becky Boughan (now Walton)! I have always looked up to her. I have always heeded her counsel, and worried about disappointing her. I was a copy of her. And that is no bad thing! Becky is my best friend and I look up to her in every way. And not just because she's taller than I am. 

We walk in sync.

We laugh at the same things.

We look alike, after all, we are twins - separated at birth by two years.

The biggest difference is our hands. We are not identical hand twins. We sometimes joke that we forget which one we are, so we say, "Who am I?" dramatically and check our hands. hahaha. I can't even write that without giggling. We're hilarious. 

But

Then I got married and had to live with a boy. Sure he was smart and funny and hansom. But he wasn't Becky. Now I had to learn who I was as a married woman. Who didn't get to live with her sister, the famous Becky Boughan. It was very hard. Thankfully we didn't live far from each other so we still got to see each other almost everyday. Life was mostly good

But THEN

My husband and I did something we swore we'd never do. We moved back to the hottest, driest, ugliest place we knew of: Arizona. This is where hell fire rains and burns you from the bottom of your feet if you dare go barefoot. Or stings your skin if you leave the cool inside for even a moment. And don't get me started on what can happen in a car... 

But the worst hellfire was when my husband who I had chosen for his spiritual knowledge and dedicated lifestyle, denounced God and turned against me. He seemed to despise me because I wouldn't let go of what I knew to be true. I cannot see light and declare it darkness. Even when I'm having darkness thrown at me like stones used to silence. 

That journey through hellfire was touch-erous. It pushed me to compromise rules that I had lived by in order to be a "good Mormon," and to be like Becky, and to not let her down. But going out to eat with his family on an occasional Sunday or watching an MA show together was worth it in order to try to connect with the man I made a commitment to. But all the compromises seemed to be on my part.

I would sit late at night and write down as many of his good qualities I could think of, which was not easy at this point. I was so broken down. He would write late at night about all the things he disliked about me. Trying vs. not trying, I guess. Or maybe we were just trying for different things. He was trying to push me away, and I was trying to hold on to my life. I felt like a loose tooth about to come, but I was holding on for dear life. Holding on to God. Trusting Him. Waiting for my Sunday.

I was doing the same thing I did with Becky, and if I really think about it, all the rest of the friends I've ever been really close with. I was letting myself mold into someone they would approve of. But who is the person I approve of? What do I even like doing? What genre of book or movie actually interests me? What am I even good at? Now that I've been through a divorce, let me assure you, I know many things I am not good at.

Don't worry, my story gets happy again. I met a great guy, who recognized how amazing I was. he saw past the baggage I was holding from the trauma I endured for two years. He'd hold me and let me cry when I missed my kids. He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Not the greatest fiancé, though. Especially when he ghosted me. Three weeks before our wedding day.

Now I've been abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, stand by me, defend me, and protect me most in the world. Twice. 

So now I ask with earnest heart. WHO AM I?

At the end of my marriage I went to Art to try to remember who I was. I painted a lot of barren desert landscapes. My reasoning was because that is what's real. Have no clue what influence that body of work.

Then I moved on to drawing high emotions. Faces that have felt tragedy. 

But now I feel discouraged by art. I'm insanely talented. My skill that far surpasses people who are making a lot of money and generating a lot of views. I've pivoted to working in aviation and I'm overall incredibly happy there. I like my coworkers and my flight benefits. But I'm still searching for who I am and what I like.

I've thought through every stage of my life. 

Early childhood I remember riding my bike. Following Becky and her friends around. Climbing trees. Playing Super Mario Bros. Watching clouds change shapes. Kitties.

Teen years I learned pottery, printmaking, photography, and broadened my overall artistic knowledge. I like making forts and rivers outside. I went to mutual and girls camp. Becky didn't like girls camp, so I felt some turmoil because I kind of did. I actually thought it was really fun and I liked sliding down the muddy mountain side in the rain, making up silly skits, talking to other girls who weren't the stuck up brats in my ward. I always looked forward to the fourth year, because that's when they got to go kayaking. Becky hated her fourth year. It was too hot and sunny for her. She's more of an indoor princess. But, When my fourth year came we didn't get to do any of that because our state was engulfed in forest fires. But my favorite part of camp was the singing trees. When we all went out to thick trees with our flashlights and sat in our own ward groups. Then one by one each group would shine their light up into the branches and sing our prepared song. it was beautiful. and powerful.

In college I found myself keeping a journal to help work through my thoughts and feelings. I would often go up the Provo canyon to feel peace and think. Just being in nature and letting myself feel grounded was so nourishing to my soul. I went to the temple a lot. And I majored in Art.

The common thing throughout my life that has brought me comfort and joy, other than art, has been nature. Being outside. Being close to God's creations. Even when I was married we would go on hikes. God's earth brings me closer to Him. Which brings me closer to who I am. 

A child of God.

"you carried me there"

 I heard this song randomly on the radio last night and it hit me harder than I thought it would at this point. Sat in my car and let myself cry for a little bit.

You told me I was the one you couldn't live without

And the way that you said it, I believed it like a vow (like a vow)

Maybe I got carried away, and baby, that's fair

But you can't call me crazy 'cause you carried me there

The way that you said it, I believed it like a vow

Don't mean nothing now

Have you ever been left when you should have been loved?

Yes. Too many times. 

Amazed

If you know me very well then you know that I sing all the time.

If you know me fairly well you would not know that.

But I was singing I STAND ALL AMAZED just now to my kids and then I told them that Jesus loves them so much that He died for them and He loves them so much that He lives for them. 

"I also love you enough to die for you. And I love you enough to live for you."

And that is sometimes harder.

#depression

Tiny

 in college lisa had tiny lisa.

now lisa has a tiny house.

inside, lisa feels tiny.

Jonah - Part 4

The turbulent storm propelled the vessel through the waters. From one river to another, finally meeting the sea. It was a journey of several days, but it was intentional in direction by God. 

The storm was fairly small in diameter and stayed close to the vessel, so when it arrived at another ship it happened all of a sudden. The winds were so wild that the mariners were frightened, fearing the ship would break and drown them. They prayed to God for him to save them and help them know what to do. There was one man on the ship who slept through the rough and tempestuous storm, apathetic and seemingly unafraid.

Truly, however, he was only less afraid of drowning than he was of the request the Lord had recently made of him. He had attempted to flee from the presence of the Lord, but the Lord saw him in his weakness and knew how to strengthen his faith. In this moment God impressed upon Jonah what he needed to do.

Jonah told the mariners, "Throw me into the water; so the sea will be calm for you. I know that God has sent this tempest because of me."

The mariners were surprised by his request.

"Um, yeah, we're not going to do that." 

"That's crazy." 

"There's got to be another way."

They worked hard to control the ship to no avail.

"Nope." Jonah said emotionless. "You can see that nothing you try is helping. This is really your only hope to survive." 

Jonah must have been persuasive enough to convince them to throw him overboard because they lifted him and heaved him into the raging sea. He took a breath just before he plunged deep into the cold water. His body tensed at the shock of it. Just then the vessel circled about him, stuck spinning in a whirlpool. The flap opened and let him in. The waters stilled and the storm was gone.

Too dark to see, Jonah felt the walls of the vessel. That, together with the smell and situation, he determined he must have been swallowed by a great fish of some sort. He prayed to the Lord to acknowledge His awareness of him. To praise Him and explain his fears and reasoning. 

After three days the vessel was brought to the shore and thrust Jonah out of it. Then it was gone. The Lord no longer had need of it so the sea swallowed it up and disposed of it. 

Jonah was weak and hungry. He was grateful to be alive. Amazed that God could deliver him from the belly of the sea. And he was ready to serve God in whatever way he was asked. So when God appeared to Jonah for a second time to ask the thing He had asked Jonah prior, he was ready to obey.

"Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee."

________________________

There was a commotion in the compound where Nim lived. He heard some servants talking about a prophet who had come to call repentance or be overthrown. His heart started racing. He ran to find Mara who was already searching for him. +

She told him, "There's a rumor that the king has been converted!" 

Nim asked, "Do you know what this means!"

The two sang together, "God answered our prayers!" 

They walked through the city in search of the prophet. Everyone was different. Everything felt new. Instead of people consumed in themselves, they were helping each other. Instead of being spat upon in public they received smiles. They had never seen adults smile at them before. They were always treated as an inconvenience. Now they were welcomed.

"Children," A woman said, wearing only a sack cloth beckoned to them, "The king has made a proclamation for us to humble ourselves from the inside out. We are to fast and wear sackcloth." She handed each of them a coarse, rough material made of goat hair that was fashioned into a modest smock. In a state of utter amazement, they accepted the offering and hastily changed. 

Tears filled Nim's eyes as his heart filled with gratitude.

"Are you okay?" Mara asked.

He took a moment before he answered. "God heard me. He's really real."

Mara smiled and embraced him. As they pulled apart to continue their search there was a man standing before them. 

"Children, go and tell your families that the Lord, God is aware of you. You are important to Him. He wants to save you and your people."

Nim's mouth fell open and his eyes grew wide. 

"Pray to God. Repent. Give thanks. And share what I have told you with those around you."

Jonah's words held power that pounded into Nim. He wanted to tell this mysterious man, this prophet, that he had prayed for him to come unto them. He wanted to tell him about the angel and the vessel that he had spent months working on. He wanted to tell him everything, but all that he did say was, 

"Thank you."

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 1 

17 Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Jonah Chapter 3

5 So the people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.

Jonah - Part 3

Nim did not know how to build a vessel. But that didn't stop him from trying. He put his best effort into following the instructions given by the angel. He gathered wood and bone from around the area. He worked on it diligently every day. Sometimes his friend, Mara, would come with him. She thought it was exciting to gather material to do the commands of God. Their hard work reflected in quality and progress. 

Nim completed everything the angel had told him to do in about three months. When he was done he had a framework that looked a lot like a bird cage. Only this was a huge bird cage that was large enough to easily fit both him and Mara.

"You did it! You're done." Mara exclaimed but Nim just shook his head with confusion visible on his face.

"I did everything the angel told me to do, but he also told me to make it airtight. This is anything but that!" He shoved his arm through the gap between two ribs. 

The two friends sat down within the frame of the vessel as if in a jail.

"I don't know where to go from here."

"Maybe you could try talking to God again."

"Good idea." Nim hadn't considered that the angel hadn't given him the whole answer. He hadn't considered that God would instruct little attainable bit by little attainable bit. The two knelt as he asked God:

"Oh God, I have done all you have asked. I followed your instructions the best I could. But I don't know where to go from here. Please help me know how to make it airtight."

They waited for an angel to arrive but no one came. They ended up falling asleep. When they awoke the next morning, there was a very large fish that was laying beside the frame of the vessel. Dead. 

At first they were frightened. He thought someone had been there and left the fish to rot. He jumped up and walked around it to see if someone was hiding on the other side. But upon closer examination he found no evidence of anyone else having been there. The fish also seemed to have just leapt out of the sea and got stuck on land. He felt almost sad for it, then he saw that it was very close in size to the structure he had assembled. He looked at it for a long time, watching as a plan unfolded before his eyes. It showed him in his mind how he was meant to use it in order to secure the vessel and keep it airtight. 

"Nim, Nim!" Mara shook him by the shoulder. 

He slowly turned his head to look at her, as if coming out of a trance. He smiled, "I know what to do next!"

It was a disgusting challenge that he did not enjoy, but he knew it would work, so he persevered and got the work done. He meticulously sewed the the skin to the frame and pierced the bones though the skin around the ribs of the frame. He and Mara worked all that day on this slimy task and did not finish until the end of the week.

When they were done he prayed and he asked God to approve his vessel. This time the angel appeared and gave a little more direction. 

"Nim, because you have kept the commandments of God you may go 100 yards into those trees and find nourishment. Then you will get back to work. Cut a hole in the vessel between the third and fourth rib in the design I will show you."

Nim and Mara ventured 100 yards into the trees and found a fig tree with the moonlight illuminating it from above. It was full of ripe, juicy fruit ready to eat. Once they were filled they returned to finish the direction from God. Nim carefully cut two slits in the skin from third and fourth rib. One at the top and one at the bottom. He then sliced along the fourth rib from the top slit to the bottom slit to create a flap. He then reinforced the flap with bones from the fish to make it rigid. Finally he secured it to the fourth rib so it would stay closed and air tight. 

Then he knelt and prayed to God again. Again the angel appeared. This time he approved his hard work and told him to do something far harder than constructing such a vessel. He told him to throw it into the sea. Then he was gone. 

Nim's eye twitched. 

He wants me to throw it into the sea?! I've worked months on this. I painstakingly following the directions of God to create this and now He wants me to just throw it away? How can I throw away all of my hard work?

Nim was angry. Instead of throwing his creation into the sea to be destroyed he went home to sleep. But of course he could not sleep. He laid on his mat with a furrowed brow. Mentally criticizing God for being cruel enough to tell him to make something and then just destroy it. As he let his thoughts move through the stages of grief, he arrived at reason. 

God told me to make this weird vessel thing and now he just wants me to throw it into the sea. I don't even know why this was what he wanted me to do when I asked him to save me and my people. Maybe God knows more than me. Maybe this is what He wanted from the very beginning. I have no use for this vessel but maybe God does. 

Nim arose from his mat and trudged back to his spot by the seaside. He stood looking at the mysterious vessel that he had created with his own hands. And then he pushed it into the sea.

At that moment the sea erupted as if angry. Tossing and turning the vessel dragging it deep into the water - far away from him. He watched it for as long as he could and knew that he would never see it again.

Questions and wonder filled his mind as to what God was thinking and what He had planned. Why would He ask so much of Nim without really answering his prayer? What could His plan possibly be?

Anger and confusion were met with peace. He knew that this is what the Lord had asked of him.

"I can only do what I can do." Nim said and returned home to wait upon the Lord.

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 1 

6...What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous.

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you.