Do as I'm Doing

I was thinking during the sacrament today about why we partake of the bread and then the water. 

A primary song came into my mind. Sacred words with rowdy music. 

Here is my body. I have shown you by example.

Do as I'm doing. Follow. Follow me. 

Here is my blood. I have sealed my works and my Father's will with my blood. 

Partake. For you also are my blood.

You are inherently divine offspring of the very creator of all things good and true. And as such, are able to enjoy all the blessings of our Father above. 

If you but do as I have done. If you will but follow me.

PIVOT

The past several months, even by the start of 2020 I have been feeling a strong pull to make a change in my life.  

After I graduated with my Art degree I started teaching art in the local community center. I learned that I actually really enjoy teaching and sharing my passion and knowledge with those around me, both young and old. After almost a year the center closed to the recreating center could open where I resumed my job planting seeds of creativity and watching my students grow in their abilities. I also enjoyed staff parties,  I mean,  staff meetings, but they consisted of team building games, awards for high performance, and recognition for my hard work.  I felt I was valued there and good at what I did. I knew I was doing something that mattered and it was fulfilling. 

When I moved to Arizona and got a similar job at a local community center,  with the same title and job description,  I was eager to get to work and have similar experiences and feelings. It's amazing how different the culture can be from one place to another.  While I still adored my students and loved sharing at history through techniques and projects,  I was lacking the sense of belonging.  I longed for the community and fun I had once had in my workplace.  No one here cared about me. 

I needed to pivot. 

I got hired on with Shutterfly on the Production Design Team. Two words perfectly sum up my feelings of this experience: Dream. Job. The comradery was magical.  It was so fun,  even while working remotely. Alas, the position was seasonal so the joy was short lived.  

My quest for a happy career continued. Slowly.  Poorly.  Discouraging. 

Finally I decided I needed a bigger change and move away from the Art world for a while.  I was tired of being ridiculously talented and not getting recognized for it.

I found a fully new type of job to try out in retail.  I lovely Bridal shop. With lovely people. I learned I was not only capable of this type of work, but I was also quite good at it and I rather enjoy it. 

So that's where I am now! 

I'm still shopping my toes in the waters of change and trial,  so that's not the only place I am.  I also got a job at the airport. 

Piedmont, which is under American Airlines, has been a really fun,  but incredibly challenging place to work.  They're working is like crazy,  full time hours here plus my other job leaves very little time to spend with anyone else,  even my kids and i miss them! 

Be Kind ( a HOW-TO)

I'm hesitant to share this story, but I feel that it's important to for some reason. 

This morning after I drop my kids off at school I stopped at McDonald's to get a couple bags of ice and while I was there I decided to also get a breakfast sandwich. At this particular McDonald's they don't sell bags of ice so I was stuck with just the breakfast sandwich that I didn't even really want. I thought to myself ugh, why am I even here? I thought about just leaving but instead I looked around me and my eyes settled on my driver side mirror which held the face of the man in the truck behind me. 

There wasn't anything particularly special about him. He was in a work, clearly on his way to work. He look like my dad. My heart felt like I should buy his breakfast too. Part of me thought, No, he doesn't need me to buy his breakfast, but then I thought why not? If someone bought my dad's lunch that would be amazing it would make his day and it would make my day to know about. As I was driving the rest of my trip I was thinking about this and why I wanted to serve this stranger. 

I thought of my daughters. 

You see, I give them challenges on the way to school. Little things for them to perform while they're at school. I'm not worried about them being smart. They are smart. I know they're smart. They're good learners and they're going to do well in that area of their lives. 

But I'm more concerned with them being kind and for them to make friends. And not just to make friends but to be a good friend. So I used to tell them to remember to be kind and send them on the way, but now I try to teach them how to be kind. So I give them challenges on the way to school. And then I follow up with them after school to see how it went. 

Here are a few of the simple things I encourage my kids to do:

• Help someone 
• Give a complement
• Hold the door 
• Smile 
• Share
• Sacrifice something you want for someone else
• Comfort someone who looks sad or lonely
• Defend someone / stand up for someone who is picked on
• Etc.

Todays challenge was to complement three people today. Of course they didn't know what the word "compliment" meant so I had to teach them what that meant and then I had them practice on each other. 

It was adorable.

Negative

The covid-19 pandemic has made for an interesting year. I personally have had a lot of good come to me this year, so it's hard to not see the positives: I met a guy who is amazing and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I've enjoyed spending time with my kids and family. I've made art and submitted to galleries. Etc. Nonetheless, there are plenty of negatives. Yes the deaths, the sickness, the masks, the toilet paper shortages, the not getting to see grandma, the list goes on. But the negative that has bothered me the most has been the negative attitude of some. 

I am facebook friends with someone who at the beginning of this whole thing was sharing somewhat sarcastic, yet funny stories. Showing how she has spent her time in isolation. Perhaps it's the lack of social connection, but I have watched her turn bitter. I used to see her story pop up and I'd click to see the silliness or hear her lovely singing voice, but now I usually scroll past! It's been bothering me, but today she made one too many hateful comments on a thread of an incredibly kind and patient person. So I feel the need to respond.

To begin, I must remind you of my circumstance. I am a single mom, who started the year working three jobs. I lost at least one of those and had several weeks with no work at all. The financial strain was significant, to say the least, and I couldn't even apply for unemployment because there were (inaccessible) jobs for us to do around town. Many people have lost jobs or have been unable to work. Others have had to work at places like Walmart just to make ends meet. I have started teaching again, in the classroom. We wear masks and arrange the classroom to allow for social distancing. I feel safe at work and I feel my students are safe in class.

Now here comes the frustration. This girl is also a teacher. She insists that parents want their kids to go back to school because they (1) Don't give a tiny rats a$$ about the teachers safety and well-being, and (2) because moms are selfish and don't want to parent, "Mom wants her brunch with the gals time back." are you freaking kidding me?! She is so incredibly rude, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, ignorant. I can't even. I miss my kids when they are at school, but I know it's good for them.

My kid is gifted. She has had over a week of school and her teacher hasn't figured out how to teach online, so all they do is go over classroom rules (THEY AREN'T EVEN IN A CLASSROOM) and then talk about how confused she is about why she can't see or hear her students. Um, it's your internet. Teach something!!

This girl on facebook is not grateful that she still has a job. That she is getting paid. And that she hasn't had to look for work elsewhere like Costco. Yeah, teachers (good ones), are overworked and underpaid. This is not new and it's not due to coronavirus. She knew what she was getting into when she got into it. Mom's don't want to pawn off their kids to the school because "moms legit want their yoga time back." Mom's want their kids to go to school because they want what's best for their kids. They want their kids to learn. Some also have jobs and need to be able to work. Not everyone is either a mom or in the workplace. Open your mind. And open your eyes! Covid isn't killing EVERYONE!! It is probably safe to go back, at least as safe as it ever was. Did you know people die from the flu every year, and there IS a vaccine for that. Do you remember all the awful school shootings. 

We can't live in fear. 

And wanting to be able to send your kid to school to LEARN is not selfish.

Push Past the Impossible

When I was in labor with Amelia the contractions were coming frequent and hard. I was exhausted, having been in labor for the past 25 hours. I got to the point where my mind and body felt like I couldn't go on another minute, I couldn't endure another contraction, I couldn't do it, and I uttered those words, "I can't do it." My midwife and husband both contradicted me (rude), "you are doing it!" My body gave me a break from every muscle seizing up for a couple blissful minutes that felt like much longer. It gave me the boost of energy I needed to push my beautiful baby out and complete the task that was asked of me. The task I didn't believe I could do. But God made me to do it. He let me endure that incredible pain for a moment so that I could hold my fresh from heaven little angel in my arms. 

I studied Art in college. It was the obvious path for me. I've been creating my entire life with anything and everything. All my teachers and all my peers growing up knew I was an artist because I was always drawing. It was my purpose. I wanted to make art and I felt like I was called to do so. I excelled in my college Art classes, earning scholarships and awards throughout, being called not just the cream of the crop, but the cream of the cream. I was praised and honored. Since I've graduated I haven't reached my dreams or my potential and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I'm done. I'm sick of wanting it and trying and failing. I feel like a hopeless failure. I don't know what the last push looks like here. I don't know how to get past it and be able to hold my dreams in my arms. 

Success is messy. It's hard. It feels impossible at times, and sometimes maybe it is. But showing God that you're willing to work HARD for something, showing Him that you want to achieve something great and are willing to go through exhaustion to get there, that is not overlooked. He sees you. He knows you and loves you. He has a plan for you. Don't worry about disappointing anyone so long as God is pleased with you. That is the goal. Make Him proud and try to see yourself as God sees you, because if you put Him first He already is.

Blessed

I seriously have the best man in my life that I could have asked for. But actually I couldn't have dreamed him up. He treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.

Every day he tells me how much he loves me, and the crazy thing is that I actually really believe him. He says,
"Guess what!"
"What?"
"I freaking love you!"
A couple days ago I was having a hard day and he said this. I told him I love him, too, but then his tone changed and expounded, "No, but seriously, I love you."

A couple weeks ago we were making funny faces at each other, because we're goofballs. And I said, "I can't not smile right now." His response made me cry. He said, "Good. I think that's the best sentence you've ever said. I'm going to make that the goal for the the rest of my life. It's at the top of my to do list everyday in permanent ink."
I didn't know I could be loved like that.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the end of last year. I've started taking medication that helps with it. It has helped a lot and I haven't had bad thoughts since I started it. Like the serious kind of bad thoughts. The kind that ends it all. Until yesterday. I felt like I was relapsing and it made me worry.

What if my medication isn't working anymore? What if I'm taking too high a dose. or too low a dose? Or what if there's something worse that's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be getting better and potentially not needing to taking it in a year, but here I am at the happiest time of my life thinking about throwing myself off the top of the stairs.

It brought a lot of fear into my mind. I retreated from reality as much as I could and tried to hide away. But that only made me feel worse. After I got my kids in bed I went over to Trevor's and we talked and cuddled. We both vulnerably confided in each other about different fears we each have  and he held me as I sobbed. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me that we couldn't work through. And he told me that it's okay to feel bad sometimes because he will always be there to hold me.

I freaking love this man.

At the beginning of our relationship he would look at me for a bit and then put his hand out as if he were asking for something. I would look at him questioningly.
"Give it back." He'd say.
"What?"
"My breath."
The first few times I would roll my eyes bashfully, but then I began to blow it back to him like I was blowing bubbles.

I have dozens of these little stories that illustrate just how incredibly lucky I am. But I found a song that says it perfectly.



I prayed him into my life. In college I remember praying for my eternal companion. I would pray for him at that time. I would pray for him to feel God's love for him and even my love for him. I would pray for us to overcome what we were each going through and be ready for each other when we finally found each other. After my divorce and toward the end of my marriage I would pray for a man with the qualities that he has. That I need in a man.

I truly am blessed to have him in my life. He supports me. He loves me. He understands me (and when he doesn't he tries to). He struggles, as I do. And we are committed to be there for each other through our respective mental illnesses. I don't know how I deserve such an incredible man, but I'm grateful for him every single day.

I'm grateful for our similarities. I'm grateful for our differences. I'm grateful for the way he is with my children and I'm grateful that they love him, too. I'm grateful for the strengths we each have and how we compliment each other. I am grateful that God brought us together when He did and how he did. And I'm grateful for His hand in making sure we didn't miss this miracle.

Meeting and choosing each other was miraculous and occurred through divine intervention. We have both gone through a lot. We've both suffered and have endured incredible pain. During those trials, I couldn't understand, I couldn't see the Lords plan. But I was living it. God knew what He was doing. What He was allowing to happen. He understood how the choices being made all around me were affecting where I would end up. I am grateful for this miracle.

Becky had this quote on her wall while I lived with her that influenced me more than I realized at the time. I've thought of it many times over the years and through the darkest and most challenging times of my life.

"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. If we seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added."

-Joseph Smith

(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 256)

Two Years

This picture is of incredible significance to me.

I took it just before Austin moved out, well after we decided to get divorced. I've kept it in my wallet ever since. It has brought me peace every time I look at it. It made me think, "Okay, we can do this. They will be okay because they've got each other." They were three and four.

Today marks two years from the night my ex-husband moved out. Mom, that's TWO.

Yes, that's right.

It's been two years since you moved from me

Packed your things aside

and said "I'm leaving"

Four years since you came to me saying

"I don't have a testimony"

Eight years since we fell in love

Choosing each other forever and ever

Seems like yesterday that it happened

But it also feels like someone else's story

A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. And some things haven't changed.

I have worked at the same place for five years. I have also had a period of no work, and a period with two additional jobs. 

I have two amazing kids. I came to terms with the possibility of not have more children and accepting that. I'm still a mom, but now I'm a single mom. A dating mom. It's a huge challenge, trying to balance this double life. I finally feel comfortable combining the two, only because I finally have a partner I trust and love completely.

I live in a different place. And at the same time, I live in the same place I did 20 year ago (when I was in jr high). I went from a large space on a farm, to a tiny house in a side yard. And now I'm back in the room I grew up in (because a close friend needed a place to stay so I gave her my tiny house for the time being).

I have met some incredible people, whom I have become close to. I have learned from them. Cried with them. Prayed for them. Worked with them. Served with them. Traveled with them. I have loved them. The people I have met because I got divorced is one of my greatest blessings. I am truly grateful for each person who has entered my life and helped shape who I am now.

Especially Trevor. And his family, who I look forward to being able to call my family.

It's been a year and a half since it was final

Signed the papers and it was all over

Found new friends who understand me

I've still got the girls for all eternity

It's been three months since the FHE

Where I met a great guy not a moment too soon 

I learned he was meant for me

And now I sit back and wait for us to get married

The most important thing that has stayed the same is that I have a testimony of my God. I know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, has a plan for me, and won't let anything frustrate that plan. I know my Savior lived a perfect life, suffered and died for me, so that I can turn to Him with every need, question, worry, or hope. I am fully known and deeply loved. I am grateful for the path my life has taken. Even though while I was going through parts of it I would have done anything to change it. I have learned to trust in God fully and to not fight His will or timing.