To Be Courageous and Forgiving

At the beginning of the school year, Amelia came home and said she'd been beat up. It was true. A boy in her class had pushed her down, stepped on her chest, and had another kid kick her. A couple weeks later she came home and told me they were friends now.

A couple weeks ago I had a parent teacher conference and learned that Amelia had slapped another girl in the face. I talked to her about it a lot and this week as we were leaving school this other girl excitedly, and with loving friendship, shouted goodbye to Amelia. They are friends now, too.

Kids are resilient and forgiving.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a good example for my children and I strive to be each day. But over and over again I find myself learning from them. Amelia has been a great example of forgiveness. Sure, we all make mistakes, and we can all improve, but we can also forgive and be better each day.

In January I went to a fireside called Courage! For the Lord is on our side. The speaker did an amazing job. It was obvious that he prepared well because he was concise in what he shared and brought the spirit in a powerful way. He spoke about the hard things he's had to endure from restless legs syndrome and ADHD, to abuse and guilt.

As a youth he went on a scouting hiking trip where he and a couple friends got lost. When the leader found them, instead of expressing relief and joy, he reacted in anger and violence. Grabbing him by the neck and throwing him on the ground face first. This not only gave him a bloody nose, but a resolve to never come back to church. After relaying this to his parents, his angelic mother convinced him to apologize to the leader (I hope I will be able to react in such a kind way in teaching my children - when Amelia got beat up I explained that he must get picked on a lot at home and to show kindness in any future interactions, but to try to avoid him).

In response to the apology the leader threw him out of his house and told him to never come back. On the walk back to his mothers car he had a miraculous experience. He felt light. Peace. And forgiveness. God was able to enter his heart fully for the first time.

Years later, after making choices that prevented him from serving a mission, repenting, and marrying in the temple, he served eight years as ward mission leader. He struggled with an internal battle of feeling worthy. So when he was asked to serve at the stake level his mouth said yes, but his inside shouted "Oh no!"

One of the leaders who he had never met before paused, observed, and felt impressed to give him a blessing. In it he said, "The Lord has forgiven you. It's time to forgive yourself." In that moment he felt the way he did as a youth while walking from a hostile door to his mothers car. He felt overwhelmed with forgiveness for himself and the love of God.

His talk touched my heart and gave direction to my life. The rest of it was also really good. He taught that Satan tells us we're alone. This is something I've struggled with over the past few years. But knowing where those thoughts come from and that I am in fact not alone has helped me. Another thing he said that pushed me in the direction God wanted me to go was, "Courage means being scared out of your mind and still going forward."

I tend to want to run and hide, especially when there's so much potential happiness offered at once. See, where there's potential happiness there's also potential heartache. I'm scared of hurting again. My heart has been through so much and there are certain things I don't want to go through again. At the time of this fireside I was feeling okay about casually dating again, but felt directed from God to move forward with Trevor.

I wanted to share the stories from the fireside with him because I thought he would appreciate them, relate to them, and benefit from them. I waited until he opened up a little more about his story. I also wanted to share with him the experience I had. I wanted him to understand that I was open to moving forward with him. That I was ready to push through the fears that may never leave me. There are things in my past that I need to forgive and let go of so that I can have the strength to hold on to what the Lord wants for me.

One of the first things Austin told me after he left the church was to not hope, but Trevor has told me that he wants me to hope. It seems he understand my heart and what my soul needs. I'm grateful that God didn't let me run and hide this time.

New and Happy

This year has been full of new things. In every area of my life. I feel like every nook and cranny of my time is filling up. Miraculously, it seems to fit together like a puzzle. It's been exhausting, intimidating, and wonderful. I have started a new relationship and have encountered a new trial. 

I have been divorced for about a year and a half and my marriage was over about three years ago. But as I've gotten closer to this new person in my life, especially in physical ways, I have felt guilt creep in, relating to my ex-husband. I don't understand it, especially considering that it didn't happen at all - not even a little bit - with the last two guys.

As I was confiding this strange and unexpected occurrence in my best friend she told me it must be from satan.

After the first couple days of spending time with this new person, I had been feeling a lot of anxiety about entering another new relationship, especially so quickly with someone I barely knew. My heart was feeling fragile and unforgiving and I didn't want to get into anything serious for another several months. 

I tried to resist, but God seems to continually send me the unforeseeable. He comforted my indecisive mind while in the temple, speaking to my heart, telling me this is His child and I need to give him a chance and get to know him.

After everything I've been through, I have learned to always follow the Lords commands. Even if I don't understand the reasons and even if it doesn't work out the way I think it should or wish it would. I trust that God has a plan for me.

I have followed the Lords guidance and I have been calm about moving forward one step at time. What I have found is that the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. I also feel an easy happiness. I feel happy when I'm with him. I feel happy thinking about him. And I feel happy after we spend time together. I'm happy. 

I have made a conscious effort in the last several months to welcome into my life the things that bring a smile to my face. I'm glad I have done that in this case.

He makes me smile.

He's so sweet to me. He's respectful. I learn new and interesting things from him. He's not perfect, which is good because neither am I. He's easy and fun to talk to. He loves his family. And he seems to have goals that are in line with what I'm looking for in a person.

One thing I wish he would do more of is be more open and vulnerable with me. I think that will come in time, but I feel like he's got an advantage in this area. I have worked so hard over the last year to be open and share some of my story here on my blog. I don't share everything, in fact there's a lot about me that I keep to myself. But there's a lot I do share, and have shared with him and I want him to share real things with me, too.

I want to know all the things. Makes me think of this song.

Embarrassingly, when I got home today my mom thought I was so cute texting him that she took a picture.

Peace

I never do well with new things. I hate being the new person, and feel anxiety when faced with having to meet someone new, learn something new, or do something new. This creeps into relationships in a bad way - I tend to run and hide, emotionally and physically. I think it's based out of caution. I've been hurt, so I am always slow and cautious when approaching something new.

This year I've been trying to embrace the new. I haven't been great at it, and I have already run away to hide, but I'm trying. I want to be a new version of myself. I have started a new medication to help with my anxiety and I feel like a cloud has been removed from my mind. I had one day where I couldn't get out of bed until 3pm, but that is a lot better than before when it's taken a whole week. I feel like I'm overcoming some of the challenges in my life, but I'm being met with new and wholly different ones.

I was lacking peace in my life and feeling overwhelmed. But when I went to the temple last Friday, and sat down in the chapel, I was filled with peace. I was still. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I was able to still my mind in the presence of my God and I could feel His awareness of me and His love for me. I felt comfort in moving forward and I trust Him to never lead me somewhere I shouldn't be.

Today Calee Reed shared this song and I actually don't think i've heard it before. Peace is something I seek on a daily basis. It's something I just told my friend I would ask God for if I could have anything. I'm so grateful to know where to find it, and that I have been blessed with so much of it.

What a Year!

This has been a really interesting week. It held emotional highs and lows and included new and interesting people. I feel like there is too much to tell, and I don't even know where to start, so I'm going to skip it for now. And jump to today!

I went to four hours of church. I got another calling. I met another new person. And added more to my already busy schedule. And I got a nap. Allow me elaborate.

I went to my family ward without my children and it felt weird and wrong. I didn't realize what was off until halfway through the first meeting. Before the second meeting started I was pulled aside by a member of the bishopric and was asked to serve in the RS presidency. I had about a half an hour at home before I needed to leave for my mid-singles ward so I laid down on my bed to rest briefly...

Forty minutes later... I was so tired because I was on a date until late and then I did a really hard workout with heavier weights than I had been using last year and then I showered and played a game on my phone until after 2am. So then I opened my eyes and had no time left - church started in 8 minutes. So I hurried over and made in time!

A couple testimonies in particular stood out to me today. The first was the one that talked about how God will help you manage your time when you do what He asks of you. I was stressing a little about eveything that is piling up on my plate. Three jobs. Two (big) callings. Two kids. A social life. Art. Writing. Working out. Etc. Yeesh! I'm excited about it, but I don't know how it is all going to fit together. The other one was about new years resolutions and focusing less on what you DO and more on who you ARE.

After Sunday school a guy approached my friend and me. He said it was his first time in an LDS church building and he got there just as the closing prayer was being offered. We welcomed him and invited him to stay for dinner since we were having break the fast. He sat with us at our table and I heard half a dozen people ask him the same question, "What brings you here?" I think each time it made him think about it a little more. He said, "I don't know, it was like a little bird on my shoulder told me to come." I thought, That's the Spirit! I felt so excited and wanted to make sure he was welcomed and would come back. I introduced him to some friends and he shared little bits of his story with each new person. Then the missionaries happened to join our table. We learned that he's looking for a job and staying with a friend, surviving on ramen noodles. He was able to take some left overs home. It made me think of how Jesus fed the thousands physically and then spiritually.

When we were done eating the missionaries invited him to have a discussion which I was a part of along with two other friends. He was so receptive of everything and shared some really powerful insights of his own. He gave the closing prayer and brought me to tears with some of what he said. He expressed that he didn't know why he was there but recognized the Lords guidance. It was a really special experience.

The Year is Dying

Change is upon me. It's time to let go of the past so I can be ready to embrace what the future holds. I like this version of this song, though I miss the eire tones. 

Christmas Letter and a Little Ditty

I've been wanting to write a christmas letter, but I didn't know what to share. It all seems too boring.

I'm still working at the Gilbert Community Center as a teacher and enjoy it a lot. I facilitated a Self-Reliance class this year to learn how to start and grow a business. I was also called to serve in the Activities Committee in my midsingles ward. I was in a Calee Reed video. I got to know Henry Ammar. I have made a lot of Art. I started working out almost everyday. I love it. I've lost over twenty pounds this year - I slimmed down and toned up. I have dated and have had the good and bad that come from puting my heart back out there. I have had to adjust to being single again (it's sucks). I am divorced and miss my kids when they're with their dad. I started therapy. I began dying my hair last year when my divorce was finalized and I really like it dark brown, but I made the mistake of going blonde for the summer. I hated it. My skin is too fair to pull it off. I much prefer the dark to contrast the pale, it reminds me of Manet. Blah blah blah. So boring.

Amelia started Kindergarten and is far beyond this level of learning. We wanted to move her to first grade but didn't end up making it happen. I wanted her to adjust socially, so she stayed put. She will likely be in honors classes later on and receive scholarships for college like her parents. She is incredibly talented and won a FIRST place BLUE ribbon at the Arizona state fair for her artwork!! Just like her momma used to <3 She loves to make people laugh, draw, pray and remind others of the good in life. She is aware of so much. It's hard to believe that such a big girl is in such a little six-year-old body.

Eva is the sweetest little five-year-old. She loves to cuddle and use her imagination. She never stops talking, and it's not usually to me. It's usually in her own land of make believe. She likes stuffed animals and puppet shows, and sharing what she learns in preschool. She knows all about different arctic animals and we love hearing about them. She is silly and smart, and kind, and considerate. If she hears of a need she will go out of her way to help without even being asked.

I love to see the light of Christ in my children. It makes me think I'm doing something right. We live our daily life centered on Christ, and love this season because it let's us celebrate Him and all He's done for us.

 

Not a very creative letter this year, but I haven't been feeling excited about being creative lately. If you want to revisit a letter from Christmas Past, check out this fun one from 2016.

Or if you want something AWESOME! check out this silly ditty. 



You know Mercury and Venus and Earth and Mars
Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and Neptune
But do you recall
The smallest planet of all
Pluto the ninth planet
Way out on the edge of space
Is spherical and has an orbit, but
Got demoted to a dwarf
All of the NASA scientists
Gathered together to say
You're too small to be a planet
You don't dominate your space
Then one foggy year or two ago
Everyone came to say
That's messed up, right?
Pluto, everyone's a fan
We'll make you a planet again
Then all the school kids loved it
And they shouted out with glee - yipee!
Pluto always was a planet
Don't you try to change history

Forgive our voices, we were literally trying so hard not to laugh. Because we're hilarious. This was not our first attempt and it shouldn't have been our last, but THIS has gotten me excited about being creative again. We have many more parodies in the works, and big plans for this series.

Mother Like Mary

Aubri Erbe is an extraordinary person.

She is funny and talented and I'm glad she's my friend. She's the only one I can be sarcastic with during church. A couple weeks ago we were talking in RS about ways we can be truly converted. Someone made a comment about how if she wants to watch less Netflix she needs something to replace it with. I said to Aubri, "Disney+" Obviously this illustrates the quality of friend and person she is. Well today she sang a solo in Sacrament meeting and it was exquisite and divine. Her flawless voice pierced my heart and brought me to tears instantly, along with most of the rest of the congregation. She sang my favorite Christmas song: Mary's Lullaby.



The first time I heard it, well, the first time my heart heard this song was shortly after my first baby, Amelia, was born. It brought me to tears then, too. I related to Mary so deeply and I haven't let go of that connection with Her. I have spent time creating art about her and what she must have felt and what she went through. I feel like I was better able to understand her after having given birth. And I continue to learn more about her journey through my own journey.

She had to sacrifice time with her child. She had to watch Him suffer. She was supportive and remained an example to Him and those around her. She endured and encouraged and loved the Dear One. She knew He was a king when she held the tiny babe in her arms, and she was able to recognize the precious time she had with Him.

I want to be a mother like Mary. Courageous and strong. Full of faith, hope, and peace.