Ecstasy

I had the opportunity to have a discussion with a few friends and the missionaries last night. We decided to read a chapter in the Book of Mormon. Through this experience I was able to feel the Lord's love and awareness for me. 

This week has been really hard. I've been sad and disappointed, and have had worries on my mind that were specifically addressed in the the words of the scriptures and by the Spirit in the room. Feelings of comfort and peace came to my heart, which enabled me to actually get some sleep last night!

One of the verses we stopped to discuss was Moroni 7:19, which says, "that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ."

One of the sisters stopped us and asked, "What does it look like to search diligently in the light of Christ?" I understood where the emphasis was in her question, but I shared my answer with the emphasis on Christ. We all have questions, or have had, or will have, and therefore, we all will experience what it is to search for answers. My point is that it matters where we look.

We can't find light if we're looking in darkness.

When Austin lost his testimony -- or rather, when he put it down, since it was a choice he made. He didn't misplace it or have it stolen, but he decided that he didn't want to hold on to it any longer -- he searched for answers in new and different places. One of these was a youtube channel by an atheist who interviewed people he met on the street, of any faith, about what they believed. When Austin would show me some of these episodes I felt that the host was trying to plant doubt in their minds. Whether it was a woman who felt God's love when a bird would come, or a man who understood that there's a higher power or force in the universe, or even those who believe in multiple gods. 

To me, these all testify of God. That there is a God. Other religions or people understand or interpret it differently because they may not know what to call it. I think of the Articles of Faith. 1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I trust the Lord and believe in Him. I am constantly turning to Him for answers. Austin, however, turned to an atheist for answers. While he considered other beliefs, like becoming Buddhist, in the end, he settled on being atheist. Which is the source he turned to for answers. 

In times of darkness, I turned to God. I turned to the light of Christ. I never stopped praying for help and answers. And I continued to search the scriptures. When Austin would share the anti-mormon or atheist stuff with me, I could feel a darkness creep in. It was like he would leave a wake of shadows behind him. I could even see a difference in his countenance. There was no longer light in his eyes, but then, that had left the moment he turned off the light switch of belief.

I remember coming home from work. Tensions were high, and I felt nervous going home. As I would open the door and walk inside, the very air felt heavy. It was like going into a battle ground, having to trudge through spiritual debris. I never knew what I was going to get, if it was more information about why the church must not be true or if it was contempt because I got home just before the girls were asleep. In which case, they were always excited I was home and wanted to hug me. This would make him so mad. I think he was jealous because they were never as excited when he came home. Sometimes I would try to sneak in and be super quiet so none of them would know I was there. But it broke my heart because all I wanted to do was hold my little angels and be welcomed home.

Every day he would drop shadows around me by telling me the things he learned on the internet.
"Oh, did you hear about... well, you probably don't want me to tell you this..."
"What?" I'd say, helplessly. Trying to keep conversation with my husband open, but not really wanting to discuss what he found.

He'd then tell me about a scandal by a mission president or an ex-mormon who used to be a stake president. He would try to convince me the church wasn't true by telling me about all kinds of things from gay right issues to how he thinks tithing is done wrong. There was always something to complain about. There was always hate to spread. None of this convinced me the gospel wasn't true. It did show me that people can make bad choices. Even people who seem infallible can make mistakes. I can recognize that nobody's perfect and that we're all human. I believe that God's ways and understandings are higher than mine and that I don't have all the answers to the questions posed, but God does, and I trust Him.

Isaiah 55
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

There's a sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Bernini, called The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa. It's beautiful with delicate features. When I learned about it in my art history class with Brother Gough I was impressed with how powerfully it conveys emotion. The word ecstasy means to experience both pleasure and pain simultaneously.

The sculpture depicts a vision St. Teresa had and recorded in an autobiography. She says an angel appeared and was holding a golden spear with glowing fire at the end of it. He then thrust the spear into her heart, causing excruciating pain, but upon removal there is left a great love of God. She said that the sweetness of that love couldn't allow her to wish the pain away. Because the pain was now spiritual. 

What pain do we go through to know God better? To feel His love for us? Surely, we are not pierced in the heart repeatedly with a red hot spear, but we may be pierced in the heart in other ways, leaving a burning in us to do the Lords will. 

I have been feeling a pain in my heart this week. But I know it is in part because I followed the Lord's commands, and therefore, I feel great joy and I wouldn't change that. It's my own personal ecstasy. I want the Lord to know He can count on me no matter how hard it is for me. Because anything worth having or doing doesn't come easily. It comes with hard work. Tears. Sweat. Courage. Prayer. Trust. And help from the one who loves us most, our Father in Heaven.

Following the Lords Commands

I have had some things pressing on my mind for some time now. I feel like the Lord has told me to do specific things that will have positive repercussions and great impact. I feel an urgency in doing, and obeying. But it is also really hard because it involves being incredibly vulnerable.

One of these tasks is to write down my story. Back in November I attended Time Out For Women and received powerful and undeniable revelation. I could feel the Lord physically touching my head and I could hear Him telling me what I had to do. I have been writing impressions and things down ever since then. Actually even before then. But I need to write it into a book and I don't know how to do that. I like writing my blog, and feel I have found my voice in this platform, but a book intimidates me. I do feel like that's what I need to do, though, so that I can share my story with others who need it!

I tend to think and feel deeply. I like sharing my thoughts and am glad to have learned to keep a blog in a BFA class with Cassandra Barney. In college, I would share my testimony and make comments at church often. I never fully formed what I would say before I raised my hand, however, which usually resulted with me ended with the word "so..." and a shrug, implying, "so... you can connect my comment to the lesson." Which is why I now usually text myself my comments and then sometimes make a blog post out of them.

Another task the Lord wants from me is even harder. It has more potential to hurt me. It effects my future as opposed to dealing with my past. It doesn't make sense to me why it's so important to the Lord that I do it, since it's only going to effect one or two people. I want to do it, but fear gets in the way. And then guilt when I don't.

Monday night I had a dream. It was significant and I have written it down in a private journal so I can remember it. I also told Becky about it on Tuesday morning and expressed to her that I thought it was revelation from the Lord, addressing my concerns and answering my prayers. Later I opened an email from Deseret Book which was promoting a book called Dreams as Revelation. This further confirmed my interpretation of my dream. And I recognized it as a tender mercy, even an email from my Heavenly Father.

I attended the temple three days in a row this week and it was wonderful!

I wanted to go on Tuesday morning because that is the first time it was open since last weekend when I didn't get to go. So I did the 7AM session on Tuesday morning. I love starting the week in this way. The peace I felt about how I feel and how I need to move forward was reassuring and comforting.

Wednesday evening my ward had a temple trip that I also went to. I love the spirit there and wouldn't turn down an opportunity to be there. This time, however, was a little more emotionally difficult. My heart hurt a little as I watched the witness couple and the prayer. It made me think about the good man I married. Sometimes I miss him. It hits me sometimes in the temple. We used to be asked to be the couple, and it is a special thing. I miss participating as much as I used to be able to. I miss sitting next to someone and quietly discussing the impressions we each received. Still, I did receive impressions and learned a little more about the Lord and His plan.

Then, on Thursday, as I was enjoying my time with my children, Heidi told me she was having a rough day (one thing after another, her burdens seem to be piling up!) and would be going to the temple to do Initiatories. I asked if she wanted me to join her, and she said yes. When we met up I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "Pretty good, but I hurt my shoulder trying to open a jar of salsa." I couldn't help but laugh. It was too funny of a thought. She laughed, too. We had a lovely time. For the third day in a row, I felt confirmation, while in the temple, that I need to proceed with the command the Lord has given me. Notice I didn't say how. I still don't know how I am to proceed.

Last Sunday a sister gave a talk in church and told a story about how she had to move away from her friends, but she told them she would write them letters. So she wrote a letter to a certain friend telling her all the things she loves about her. The letter sat on her desk for three days and she saw it before getting in bed but thought, "oh, I need to get that out, I'll put it in the mailbox tomorrow morning." But then, recognizing that she would forget by then, she did it right away. Three days later she got a call from this friend telling her she just got her letter. She expressed gratitude for it and told her she was about to end her life but had the thought to check her mail before. One, seemingly small and insignificant act, made a huge difference and impact in the life of another. A week before this talk I wrote a similar letter, never intending to actually send it. It made me think of one of the tasks the Lord has asked of me.

Never suppress a generous thought.

I have tried to live my life by this phrase by Camilla Kimball. Whether it was calling my cousin while walking on campus, sending an encouraging text message to my friend before an important meeting, or complimenting a strangers earrings. You never know what someone else is going through or how your words or actions can effect them.

All of these things were coming at me, pointing me in the same direction. But I still can't see why it's so important or why the Lord cares this much.

I was listening to conference talks as I was setting up my classroom on Saturday. I had the impression I needed to reach out to one of my friends. I was like, okay, but what can I do for her? My mom happened to have a wedding that day (she's a florist), and was sure to have some leftover flowers. So I texted her to ask if I could use some (and so I wouldn't forget by the time I left work). I messaged my friend, asking how her day was going in specific terms. She replied a while later, but by that time I was busy with other plans, so I told her I had something for her, and asked if I could bring it to her the next morning. She said that would be perfect.

My other plans were to play Super Mario Bros with Heidi and David. Heidi was in even more pain at this point and asked David for a blessing. He was willing and able at a moments notice. Which is actually an extraordinary quality that we take for granted in our culture. Another brother came to help and I was grateful to have access to the priesthood power.

Last night Henry Ammar gave a fireside. He's truly an amazing human being. It's like he is running around in a giant hamster ball made of the Spirit, bumping into people sharing light and knowledge as he goes along. I admire him greatly and am grateful to know him. Throughout his talk I felt the Lord speaking to me, directing me in a clear way. Henry basically quoted thoughts I have had and things I have read over the past month and I was shaking from the inside out during his talk. When he finished, he said, "Always follow the Spirit." And it hit me to the core. I told the Lord at that time that I would do it at my next opportunity.

I wanted to talk with Henry after the fireside, but I couldn't stay. The spirit was telling me to run to my car and go! I obeyed. I didn't actually know where I was going. The urgent feeling was resolved when I got to my destination. I was confronted with the adversary, and I thought, "I can't do it with this obstacle, it's too hard." But then I realized, it's not about me. The Lord needs me to follow through no matter what. And I must obey. I don't know if it is because it will save a life, or if it will make me happy, or if it is just to see if I will obey all the Lord asks of me. I just know I have to do it.

So...

"You are Alone"

"You are alone" Satan tells me this all the time.

I feel like this is where satan hits me the hardest. I actually don't remember hearing this when I was going through my lowest point. When I was married to someone who had been my best friend, but had become as distant as a stranger. After he told me he didn't have a testimony any more and to not hope for him I fell into a depression. I felt alone, and knew that I was. Austin had his exmo (ex-mormon) community on reddit that he could talk to about what he was feeling and experiencing. He no longer needed or wanted me or God. I had no one.

There wasn't an exmoso (ex-mormon significant others) group on reddit, trust me, I checked. I almost started one myself, but didn't know how to find the other group members. I didn't know anyone else who was going through what I was going through and it was SO HARD. I was suffering silently. I could relate to the widows in the ward, but didn't look like one from the outside. I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I felt more alone than I ever had. I felt like one of P.T. Barnums 'freaks'. I would say things that one friend finally picked up on and she pried her way in to my secretly dark life. I will forever be grateful for her!



Soon enough I was able to get divorced and the massive burden was lifted from my exhausted and aching shoulders. I was now allowed to speak about what I had gone through, or at least some of it. I still haven't shared everything, even with my closest person (Becky).

I finally felt free and light again.

The first time I recognized hearing satan's lie, "you are alone" was during Henry Ammars talk, back in February, when I was sitting with my friends. But it has happened since then, too. In fact, it happened as recently as two days ago. I was sitting in a room filled with my friends watching a movie. I felt a shrinking feeling and thought, "I'm alone." I couldn't take it any longer and had to leave the room. I had only had maybe two hours of sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about a boy I have feelings for, I was thinking about a show I watch with my best friend, I was thinking about work. I actually got up to draw some pictures and create a couple handouts for a class I hate teaching. And now it's causing me to lose sleep?! I wont be teaching this class again.

Anyway, my point is that I was severely sleep deprived and over-worked. My mind was weak and it believed the lie this time. So I left the room to cry in the bathroom. Once I was able to compose myself I returned and finished watching the movie, but when I left the activity I had another breakdown in my car and realized something. I am mourning a breakup that hasn't happened yet. While crying on the phone to my sister, she assured me that my feelings are valid, told me to go home, listen to a meditation track, and get some sleep. It worked. I was able to sleep and get to work on time the next morning.

While I enjoy my Saturday classes, I was looking forward to getting done with work so I could go to the temple! For some much needed spiritual rest. This week has been a draining one and I kept thinking, "Get to the temple!" Because I don't have my kids on Friday or Saturday, I will usually go to the temple, unless I have a date, an appointment, or an activity. So it was my plan all week to go on Saturday afternoon.

Unfortunately, I was experiencing dizzy spells all day. While teaching my first class (sitting down), my second class (standing and teaching about knife safety), on the way home (driving), and I even fell against my wall when I was walking to my bedroom. I thought to myself, I need to lay down for a minute before I can go to the temple. But the room didn't stop moving and I realized something was wrong. That I was not okay. I felt serious vertigo even while laying down, and couldn't turn my head without everything sloshing around me. I did get a blessing. I didn't get to go to the temple because I wasn't able to drive myself there. And even if someone had taken me, I might have passed out while there. So I had to rest. And I was angry about it.


I have learned I MUST take care of myself. This means I need to get enough sleep, attend the temple regularly, drink enough water, exercise regularly, and fill my mind with good. And sometimes I have to adjust my plan to the Lord's plan for me.

When I finally stopped feeling so dizzy I was able to go to a swim party I had mixed feelings about. I had been looking forward to it for the most part, but I also wanted to stay home and be alone and not see anyone, especially the person I wanted to see most. I know it doesn't make sense.



In the end, I had a wonderful time. And I'm glad I went.

My daughter will draw cute pictures and then sometimes she adds wind to it. Which means scribbling all over it with the same pen she used to draw the good stuff. It makes me wonder about how we lose ourselves in the storms of our lives.

If I hadn't pushed through the dark feelings I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the light and realize that
I AM NOT ALONE! and neither are you.

Vulnerability and the Perfect Man

Satan has been working on me a lot lately. Back in February I went to a conference and heard Henry Ammar speak. He was amazing. But toward the end of his talk I heard a clear voice in my mind tell me, "You are alone." I had been having a full, fun, friend-filled weekend (I love alliteration, don't you?). I was sitting in the middle of a group of friends. But I thought, "yeah, I am alone." I could see myself laying in my bed that night all alone in my empty house. I felt hallow. I began swirling into a wallowing drain of misery when a light appeared in front of my eyes. The actual room got brighter. And I realized, "I'm not alone!" I have friends on both sides of me, I have kids who freaking adore me, and I have a supportive family. Most importantly, I have a Savior who is by my side always.

After his talk, I had the impression that I needed to go give him a hug. I don't usually do this, and it was not because he's an attractive, successful, and full of faith mid-single. I brushed it off and we went to find the refreshments. But this thought kept nagging at me. So I told my friends about it and we decided to go get in line to talk with him, and so that I could give him a hug. I don't think he hugs everyone but that was the first thing he did when it was our turn. He hugged me. And then he did it again in the middle of our conversation, and again after we spoke and were saying goodbye. I'm not sure who needed the hug, if it was him or me, but I'm grateful that he lives his life so close to the Lord that he acts on promptings immediately. He lives his life being vulnerable. And look where it's gotten him!

I share this story because it illustrates what I'm going through so perfectly. I felt vulnerable when I was prompted to go hug him. I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. I needed to learn to embrace vulnerability (no pun intended).

This was also the first time I called out satan. I recognized that it was him who told me I was alone and I pushed back. Naively, I thought I had conquered that trial, like, suck it, satan, what else you got? But he's come back at me with this same thing over and over again in the past several months.

He's sneaky about it, too. Throwing the same feelings and message at me from different angles. The hateful self-talk he plants in my mind runs wild from small things to big things like:

"You're alone."
"You don't have your kids"
"Your husband didn't want you."
"No one has ever wanted you."
"You've never had a successful relationship."
"Your sisters are moving forward without you."
"You are forgotten."
"No one has ever really loved you."
"No one would notice or care if you weren't there."

I have felt some relief from these messages for the past month or so since I received a blessing. This was one of the best blessings I've ever had. There were lots of things weighing me down, and I didn't tell him about my personal demons because it felt too vulnerable, but he addressed them specifically. I'm sure without even realizing it. He said that the Lord would protect me spiritually. This is something I pray for regularly, not usually for myself, but for my children, since they have to go into a spiritual battleground weekly. But it was a sacred thing to hear that reassuring message. I am just now realizing that it is not just protection from leaving the church or abandoning my God, but also from these lies that satan feeds me.



I'm annoyed that so much of my time right now is spent overanalyzing and thinking about relationships, but I think it's also important. I am shy by nature. It's hard for me to reach out to people. I worry about taking up too much of other peoples time with what I have to say. And I've heard that you are not supposed to dominate the conversation, if you want someone to like you (in any way). But sometimes this notion gets in my way. So lately I've been praying to be able to talk naturally with people without worrying about any of that.

Vulnerability is such an important part of this. We need to let ourselves feel vulnerable in order to progress. It's one of those necessities that i just love -- love to hate, that is. I've been trying extra hard lately to let myself be vulnerable, because I know I need to be if I want certain aspects of my life to change. But it is SO HARD!

Aspects like my love life. I am loyal. Even in liking guys (crushes). I've always tended to have long lasting feelings. When I love, I love with my whole heart. It's easy to hold back, because no one wants to get hurt. I've been hurt before. Like, my heart has been broken, and then crushed, and then thrown in a mortar pestle and ground down to dust. But somehow, miraculously, it has been mended, and hopefully it is stronger for the beating.

Now I am trying to be objective and rational about things, and really choose someone who measures up to my standards. I need someone who has the important qualities I'm looking for, and that includes the way they make me feel. Because of certain things that I've gone through, I need someone who will make me feel secure in their feelings for me. Right now that means pursuing me in dating. Later, that will mean more things like understanding my love languages. I never want to feel the way my ex-husband made me feel ever again. So I'm cautious.

Here's a funny story. I got my haircut a couple weeks ago. You know how they always try to make small talk? Well this time was no different:

Her: Is this your natural hair color?
Me: No, I like my hair brown, but my sister convinced me to go blonde for the summer.
Her: How long have you been dying your hair?
Me: Since my divorce was final in October.
Her: Oh, so are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, not really.
Her: Do you ever use online dating?
Me: Uh, I've tried a dating app, but I kind of hate it. I don't think it's for me.
Her: Oh, yeah, you can meet some pretty weird people on there.
Me: Exactly (examples)
Her: Well, do you ever go out?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like, to bars.

Me: No.
Her: Oh.

Me: (awkward silence)
Her: So what do you look for in a guy?

Me: Um... (my usual answer is a testimony) I like smart guys who can have intelligent conversations. And I like guys who like to play games and have fun.
Her: Oh, I love playing games!

The conversation continued, but I realized later that she was probably wondering how the heck I expect to meet people! I guess I could have told her, "Well, I love Jesus! And I really just want a guy who loves Jesus as much as I love Jesus!!" She would have thought I was a southern baptist or something. I guess I could have told her that I meet people at church, because that's where the people who love Jesus are! 

Her questions got me thinking and I thought it would be fun to write it down. If I were to design a perfect guy for me he would:

have a testimony and nourishes it daily
attend the temple regularly
pursue me
be super smart
never look at his phone while in my company
take pictures of us together
take pictures of me with my children

have a career

love learning

be kind

take me dancing

go hiking with me (oh how I miss hiking)

not have an addiction

never seek out anti stuff
let himself be vulnerable

love to travel

have money to travel

write me notes

reassure me

praise me

love me

be a foodie

get along with my family (at least as well as I do)
be ready to give me or my children a blessing at any time
not be scared off by my baggage or the fact that I'm divorced
want more children with me

be taller than me
not be too tall

really, really LOVE Jesus 

I'm sure I could add to this list, and at the same time subtract from it. Sure, maybe not everything is reasonable. And lacking a couple would certainly not be a deal-breaker. Mostly, I think I have these qualities, and I am worthy of having someone who will reciprocate. Additionally, my top love languages are quality time and physical touch. So I would want someone who could fulfill my needs in those areas.

I know no one is perfect. But I want someone who will work along side me to become perfect together. To be perfected in Christ.

The Prodigal Son

I have LOVED reading and studying the Bible this year!

I enjoy the Come, Follow Me curriculum and have learned a lot through personal revelation and discussions with others in groups like institute. This week I had things stand out to me that improved my life, but the parable of the Prodigal Son was not part of this. During my institute class, however, our teacher, Brother Tom Christofferson, said this was the best parable of them all. He obviously related to it and loves it for his own reasons. But the discussion that ensued frustrated me.

The class focused on how the son who stayed should also be called the prodigal son because of his selfishness.They judged him harshly. My perspective is different. Either I'm wrong or Jesus was able to teach in parables that have so much depth that both ways of looking at it could be true. I think it depends on the lesson we each need. Here are some of my thoughts.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

The son who left home basically told his father he wished he was dead by asking for his inheritance. He took the money that he thought he was entitled to, without knowing or caring how to use it. He left and squandered it on harlots and who knows what else. I think of my ex husband and his brothers, specifically the one who had the most money. They choose to seek out drugs and alcohol and "harlots" without thought of how it would affect the ones who actually care about them. Feelings of betrayal arise here.

This Little Piggy Stayed Home

The other son stayed home and worked with his father. He learned how to succeed his fathers business. He worked long hours, feeding the fatted calf, etc, and being loyal to his family. He chose to make sacrifices. Give up things he wanted, even if it was just the weakness of the flesh. He chose to stay faithfully. Trusting, that one day, his hard work, perhaps of fattening up that calf, would pay off, and he would feast on his labors. He couldn't see the bigger picture. He didn't understand there was infinitely more for him.

This Little Piggy had Roast Beef

When the son who left ran out of money and therefore friends, he hit rock bottom. He faced a fate worse than death. He fed and ate with the swine. Remember, in this culture, swine were unclean. Starving, and filthy, and I'm sure stinking of the unclean creature to which he felt he was equal, he defeatedly, returned to his father, not to regain what he left, but to be a servant to his family. Upon seeing him stagger closer, his loving father ran to him to embrace him and rejoice that he had changed and returned. Holding his child in his arms, he would be able to feel his bones through the rags he was wearing, and choke on the stench of a pigsty. He didn't give him a chance to propose his plan before he ordered his workers to bring him shoes, a robe, and a ring worthy of a king. He had the fatted calf killed for a feast in his honor. This was truly a day of rejoicing, for someone most cherished and loved repented. Returned to their Father. And was no more lost.

This Little Piggy had None

When the son who stayed found out what had happened he was upset. Yes, this is selfish and not Christlike, but think about what he was going through. His brother, who he maybe looked up to, who should have been his best friend, who should have stayed and helped with the work, abandoned him. It wasn't just their father who lost someone he loved, it was this brother, too. He must have felt hurt. Angry. Sad. Confused. His initial reaction was human. He had spent time fattening that calf, after all.  He had resisted the temptations of the flesh. He had stayed with his father to become more like him. And I think he did. He just wasn't perfect yet. He had forgotten the lavish meals he ate daily and the comfort he was never without. He hadn't seen the emaciated body of his brother and been able to realize his suffering. He had only imagined the parties he had been to and the ladies he had been with.

This Little Piggy Cried WEE WEE WEE all the way home
When the son who left came home, he was crying. He had sunk so low that he wanted to be a servant just so he wouldn't be a swine.

This Little Piggy Cried WE WE WE all the way home
When the son who stayed spoke with his father, who had journeyed out to talk with him when he wouldn't come in for the feast because he wanted to feast with him also, the son pointed out that he had been serving his father faithfully and without transgressing all along. He explained why he was so upset and how it didn't seem fair. WE have been working all this time. What has he done to deserve a feast? He thought that feast should be for him. Other than righteous duty, why else would he have been working so hard? His father, as many times previous, I'm sure, took the opportunity to enlighten and enlarge his sons mind. He taught him that this one feast is for his brother, because there is great cause for rejoicing. But reassured him that he will receive so much more. Truly, ALL that the father has is his inheritance.

It's okay to be upset about things, but never forget that Gods ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. We can't always understand His will, but He has a plan for us and a reward. And it is bigger and better than we can imagine for ourselves. It is longer lasting than anything we can think up and more fulfilling than any carnal desire.

First Dates

I like almost everything about being single again. I like the quiet church meetings with profound insights. I like the social events. I like my new group of friends. I like the game nights. I like the nervous feelings of having crushes. I like not being stuck in a relationship with someone by whom I'm disgusted. I like having friends who are like me. Who have been through hard things. Even the thought of dating is exciting and hopeful. But there is one thing I really don't like: FIRST DATES.

First dates are the worst.

The first date I went on after my divorce was with this really sweet guy I met on a dating app. When I met him at the restaurant, he was tiny. He told me his life story and mentioned that I was older than him. It wasn't a great date and I didn't even get a hug (which is okay, because I would have felt like a giant or his mom or something).

One of the next first dates I went on was with this guy who I had talked with a lot. He is really good at getting me to open up and get into the details of my life. He was less concerned with telling me his life story or even asking the classic first date questions (where are you from? what do you do?). But there was no chemistry, I'm not attracted to him, and he kept the heater blowing on me the entire time=miserable! Worst of all, he invited himself into my tiny house and then judged me for living in such a small space. He made me feel like I needed to be rescued.

Another first date I had was with someone I call Hugh Grant guy. And this was actually not a date, but a ward linger longer. He is a sweet guy that I always try to talk with. Funny story, actually, I initially noticed him because he looks like Hugh Grant (hence the nickname). Then I sat by him at a break the fast and asked him his name. He told me and immediately got up and left the table. No, I didn't get the hint, he seems to be a really shy guy who needs a friend, so I didn't give up. I kept saying hi to him, using his name. He stopped in the hall once to talk with me. Each time after that was more and more interesting. Well this particular Sunday I sat by him to eat instead of my group of friends I usually sit with. He talked with me a lot, asking all the first date questions, and even showing me pictures of his family. This is the day he learned that I am a mom and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

First dates even suck when they're with the person you're actually interested in. This happened to me recently. Leading up to our date I was so excited that cloud nine looked like a rain cloud. He was being extra attentive and smiley with me. But on the date I was nervous. I felt like I should talk more, but then my baggage got in the way. I had some emotional abuse in my marriage and talking too much was part of that. So I worry. I also hate talking about my ex-husband, but I had recently had this guy give me a blessing. He followed up on what I told him, and that included mentioning my ex. Ugh! I've also been told that I'm not a good story teller, so I feel self-conscious about that. The thing is, this guy is one of my best friends. I'm sure he knows how I tell stories and enjoys conversing with me. We've talked easily for an hour before about random things like anime shows from our childhood. He did a good job on our date, even if I was speechless.



I enjoyed spending time with him, but afterward I felt stressed. I felt upset that my BIL let him into my parents house instead of redirecting him to my tiny house, especially since they're a hot mess over there. I keep my house a certain way, and didn't want that to be his first impression. I felt worried that he didn't have a great time on the date. I felt sad because it was over. I had the post-date blues. That's always what we called it in college.

But now, I have more clarity. I think it was a good date. I'm glad our first date is over and I still wish there was a way to skip to the fourth date. But I feel happy.

Happy that it happened.

Hope is not lost

The past couple weeks have been really hard,

I've cried like the drool of a great St. Bernard.

Memories flood in of my fun college times.

The friends that I made and their mistake, and their crimes.

Two Dr. Seuss books I read to my children, not tall.

Before I finish writing, a break I shall take which may be quite small.

~~~

The week after Ben died I learned that my friend from college, Mac, is in prison for attempt murder. This still feels unreal to me. I can't even imagine my friend going down a path that would include drugs and violence.

But it has gotten me thinking about the juxtaposition of these two good people. For some reason I can't help but see the parallel that my two dear friends have created. 

My one friend is in prison and my other friend is in spirit prison. 

It made me ask: who is in a better position? if Mac gets 35 years in prison he has time to repent and coming to Christ. He will be kept away from drugs and other temptations. But he will miss out on his whole life. he won't get out until he's 65, that's old enough to retire. he won't get to have a family he won't get to have a career. But Ben died in his sins. He has already abandoned God. My hope is that he will realize, "oh huh, I'm still here. oh yeah, I remember,  this must be the spirit world." 

His mother taught him well and raised him in the Gospel. My hope is that he will repent. I also hope his passing will benefit the life of his wife and children. She filed for divorce, but didn't go through with it. but she's never been able to leave him. For better or worse, she loves him. This will hopefully free her and let her move on. And hopefully come back to the Lord. My hope is that his children will find the gospel and the plan of happiness will resonate with them. I have hope and hope is never lost.

Lots of prayers have been offered. These events have impacted me more than I think they should have. They have weighed me down and I feel filled with sorrow, not just for them, but for their mothers. I received a blessing that has helped lift me up and clear my mind. 

I found comfort in a general conference talk that said it is easier to repent on this earth in this life but it is not impossible in the spirit world. See the talk Cleansed by Repentance by President Oaks here.

Some specific parts that stood out are below:

Under the laws of man, a person guilty of the most serious crimes can be sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole. But it is different under the merciful plan of a loving Heavenly Father. I have witnessed that these same serious sins can be forgiven in mortality because of our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for the sins of “all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit”

Although we are taught that some repentance can occur in the spirit world (see Doctrine and Covenants 138:31, 33, 58), that is not as certain. Elder Melvin J. Ballard taught: “It is much easier to overcome and serve the Lord when both flesh and spirit are combined as one. This is the time when men are more pliable and susceptible. … This life is the time to repent.”

We must not “procrastinate the day of [our] repentance” until death, Amulek taught (Alma 34:33), because the same spirit that has possessed our body in this life—whether the Lord’s or the devil’s—“will have power to possess [our] body in that eternal world” (Alma 34:34). Our Savior has the power and stands ready to cleanse us from evil. Now is the time to seek His help to repent of our wicked or unseemly desires and thoughts to be clean and prepared to stand before God at the Final Judgment

Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive” (3 Nephi 9:14)

Guys, don't do rugs.
PLEASE! Drugs ruin lives.