Vulnerability and the Perfect Man

Satan has been working on me a lot lately. Back in February I went to a conference and heard Henry Ammar speak. He was amazing. But toward the end of his talk I heard a clear voice in my mind tell me, "You are alone." I had been having a full, fun, friend-filled weekend (I love alliteration, don't you?). I was sitting in the middle of a group of friends. But I thought, "yeah, I am alone." I could see myself laying in my bed that night all alone in my empty house. I felt hallow. I began swirling into a wallowing drain of misery when a light appeared in front of my eyes. The actual room got brighter. And I realized, "I'm not alone!" I have friends on both sides of me, I have kids who freaking adore me, and I have a supportive family. Most importantly, I have a Savior who is by my side always.

After his talk, I had the impression that I needed to go give him a hug. I don't usually do this, and it was not because he's an attractive, successful, and full of faith mid-single. I brushed it off and we went to find the refreshments. But this thought kept nagging at me. So I told my friends about it and we decided to go get in line to talk with him, and so that I could give him a hug. I don't think he hugs everyone but that was the first thing he did when it was our turn. He hugged me. And then he did it again in the middle of our conversation, and again after we spoke and were saying goodbye. I'm not sure who needed the hug, if it was him or me, but I'm grateful that he lives his life so close to the Lord that he acts on promptings immediately. He lives his life being vulnerable. And look where it's gotten him!

I share this story because it illustrates what I'm going through so perfectly. I felt vulnerable when I was prompted to go hug him. I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. I needed to learn to embrace vulnerability (no pun intended).

This was also the first time I called out satan. I recognized that it was him who told me I was alone and I pushed back. Naively, I thought I had conquered that trial, like, suck it, satan, what else you got? But he's come back at me with this same thing over and over again in the past several months.

He's sneaky about it, too. Throwing the same feelings and message at me from different angles. The hateful self-talk he plants in my mind runs wild from small things to big things like:

"You're alone."
"You don't have your kids"
"Your husband didn't want you."
"No one has ever wanted you."
"You've never had a successful relationship."
"Your sisters are moving forward without you."
"You are forgotten."
"No one has ever really loved you."
"No one would notice or care if you weren't there."

I have felt some relief from these messages for the past month or so since I received a blessing. This was one of the best blessings I've ever had. There were lots of things weighing me down, and I didn't tell him about my personal demons because it felt too vulnerable, but he addressed them specifically. I'm sure without even realizing it. He said that the Lord would protect me spiritually. This is something I pray for regularly, not usually for myself, but for my children, since they have to go into a spiritual battleground weekly. But it was a sacred thing to hear that reassuring message. I am just now realizing that it is not just protection from leaving the church or abandoning my God, but also from these lies that satan feeds me.



I'm annoyed that so much of my time right now is spent overanalyzing and thinking about relationships, but I think it's also important. I am shy by nature. It's hard for me to reach out to people. I worry about taking up too much of other peoples time with what I have to say. And I've heard that you are not supposed to dominate the conversation, if you want someone to like you (in any way). But sometimes this notion gets in my way. So lately I've been praying to be able to talk naturally with people without worrying about any of that.

Vulnerability is such an important part of this. We need to let ourselves feel vulnerable in order to progress. It's one of those necessities that i just love -- love to hate, that is. I've been trying extra hard lately to let myself be vulnerable, because I know I need to be if I want certain aspects of my life to change. But it is SO HARD!

Aspects like my love life. I am loyal. Even in liking guys (crushes). I've always tended to have long lasting feelings. When I love, I love with my whole heart. It's easy to hold back, because no one wants to get hurt. I've been hurt before. Like, my heart has been broken, and then crushed, and then thrown in a mortar pestle and ground down to dust. But somehow, miraculously, it has been mended, and hopefully it is stronger for the beating.

Now I am trying to be objective and rational about things, and really choose someone who measures up to my standards. I need someone who has the important qualities I'm looking for, and that includes the way they make me feel. Because of certain things that I've gone through, I need someone who will make me feel secure in their feelings for me. Right now that means pursuing me in dating. Later, that will mean more things like understanding my love languages. I never want to feel the way my ex-husband made me feel ever again. So I'm cautious.

Here's a funny story. I got my haircut a couple weeks ago. You know how they always try to make small talk? Well this time was no different:

Her: Is this your natural hair color?
Me: No, I like my hair brown, but my sister convinced me to go blonde for the summer.
Her: How long have you been dying your hair?
Me: Since my divorce was final in October.
Her: Oh, so are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, not really.
Her: Do you ever use online dating?
Me: Uh, I've tried a dating app, but I kind of hate it. I don't think it's for me.
Her: Oh, yeah, you can meet some pretty weird people on there.
Me: Exactly (examples)
Her: Well, do you ever go out?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like, to bars.

Me: No.
Her: Oh.

Me: (awkward silence)
Her: So what do you look for in a guy?

Me: Um... (my usual answer is a testimony) I like smart guys who can have intelligent conversations. And I like guys who like to play games and have fun.
Her: Oh, I love playing games!

The conversation continued, but I realized later that she was probably wondering how the heck I expect to meet people! I guess I could have told her, "Well, I love Jesus! And I really just want a guy who loves Jesus as much as I love Jesus!!" She would have thought I was a southern baptist or something. I guess I could have told her that I meet people at church, because that's where the people who love Jesus are! 

Her questions got me thinking and I thought it would be fun to write it down. If I were to design a perfect guy for me he would:

have a testimony and nourishes it daily
attend the temple regularly
pursue me
be super smart
never look at his phone while in my company
take pictures of us together
take pictures of me with my children

have a career

love learning

be kind

take me dancing

go hiking with me (oh how I miss hiking)

not have an addiction

never seek out anti stuff
let himself be vulnerable

love to travel

have money to travel

write me notes

reassure me

praise me

love me

be a foodie

get along with my family (at least as well as I do)
be ready to give me or my children a blessing at any time
not be scared off by my baggage or the fact that I'm divorced
want more children with me

be taller than me
not be too tall

really, really LOVE Jesus 

I'm sure I could add to this list, and at the same time subtract from it. Sure, maybe not everything is reasonable. And lacking a couple would certainly not be a deal-breaker. Mostly, I think I have these qualities, and I am worthy of having someone who will reciprocate. Additionally, my top love languages are quality time and physical touch. So I would want someone who could fulfill my needs in those areas.

I know no one is perfect. But I want someone who will work along side me to become perfect together. To be perfected in Christ.

The Prodigal Son

I have LOVED reading and studying the Bible this year!

I enjoy the Come, Follow Me curriculum and have learned a lot through personal revelation and discussions with others in groups like institute. This week I had things stand out to me that improved my life, but the parable of the Prodigal Son was not part of this. During my institute class, however, our teacher, Brother Tom Christofferson, said this was the best parable of them all. He obviously related to it and loves it for his own reasons. But the discussion that ensued frustrated me.

The class focused on how the son who stayed should also be called the prodigal son because of his selfishness.They judged him harshly. My perspective is different. Either I'm wrong or Jesus was able to teach in parables that have so much depth that both ways of looking at it could be true. I think it depends on the lesson we each need. Here are some of my thoughts.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

The son who left home basically told his father he wished he was dead by asking for his inheritance. He took the money that he thought he was entitled to, without knowing or caring how to use it. He left and squandered it on harlots and who knows what else. I think of my ex husband and his brothers, specifically the one who had the most money. They choose to seek out drugs and alcohol and "harlots" without thought of how it would affect the ones who actually care about them. Feelings of betrayal arise here.

This Little Piggy Stayed Home

The other son stayed home and worked with his father. He learned how to succeed his fathers business. He worked long hours, feeding the fatted calf, etc, and being loyal to his family. He chose to make sacrifices. Give up things he wanted, even if it was just the weakness of the flesh. He chose to stay faithfully. Trusting, that one day, his hard work, perhaps of fattening up that calf, would pay off, and he would feast on his labors. He couldn't see the bigger picture. He didn't understand there was infinitely more for him.

This Little Piggy had Roast Beef

When the son who left ran out of money and therefore friends, he hit rock bottom. He faced a fate worse than death. He fed and ate with the swine. Remember, in this culture, swine were unclean. Starving, and filthy, and I'm sure stinking of the unclean creature to which he felt he was equal, he defeatedly, returned to his father, not to regain what he left, but to be a servant to his family. Upon seeing him stagger closer, his loving father ran to him to embrace him and rejoice that he had changed and returned. Holding his child in his arms, he would be able to feel his bones through the rags he was wearing, and choke on the stench of a pigsty. He didn't give him a chance to propose his plan before he ordered his workers to bring him shoes, a robe, and a ring worthy of a king. He had the fatted calf killed for a feast in his honor. This was truly a day of rejoicing, for someone most cherished and loved repented. Returned to their Father. And was no more lost.

This Little Piggy had None

When the son who stayed found out what had happened he was upset. Yes, this is selfish and not Christlike, but think about what he was going through. His brother, who he maybe looked up to, who should have been his best friend, who should have stayed and helped with the work, abandoned him. It wasn't just their father who lost someone he loved, it was this brother, too. He must have felt hurt. Angry. Sad. Confused. His initial reaction was human. He had spent time fattening that calf, after all.  He had resisted the temptations of the flesh. He had stayed with his father to become more like him. And I think he did. He just wasn't perfect yet. He had forgotten the lavish meals he ate daily and the comfort he was never without. He hadn't seen the emaciated body of his brother and been able to realize his suffering. He had only imagined the parties he had been to and the ladies he had been with.

This Little Piggy Cried WEE WEE WEE all the way home
When the son who left came home, he was crying. He had sunk so low that he wanted to be a servant just so he wouldn't be a swine.

This Little Piggy Cried WE WE WE all the way home
When the son who stayed spoke with his father, who had journeyed out to talk with him when he wouldn't come in for the feast because he wanted to feast with him also, the son pointed out that he had been serving his father faithfully and without transgressing all along. He explained why he was so upset and how it didn't seem fair. WE have been working all this time. What has he done to deserve a feast? He thought that feast should be for him. Other than righteous duty, why else would he have been working so hard? His father, as many times previous, I'm sure, took the opportunity to enlighten and enlarge his sons mind. He taught him that this one feast is for his brother, because there is great cause for rejoicing. But reassured him that he will receive so much more. Truly, ALL that the father has is his inheritance.

It's okay to be upset about things, but never forget that Gods ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. We can't always understand His will, but He has a plan for us and a reward. And it is bigger and better than we can imagine for ourselves. It is longer lasting than anything we can think up and more fulfilling than any carnal desire.

First Dates

I like almost everything about being single again. I like the quiet church meetings with profound insights. I like the social events. I like my new group of friends. I like the game nights. I like the nervous feelings of having crushes. I like not being stuck in a relationship with someone by whom I'm disgusted. I like having friends who are like me. Who have been through hard things. Even the thought of dating is exciting and hopeful. But there is one thing I really don't like: FIRST DATES.

First dates are the worst.

The first date I went on after my divorce was with this really sweet guy I met on a dating app. When I met him at the restaurant, he was tiny. He told me his life story and mentioned that I was older than him. It wasn't a great date and I didn't even get a hug (which is okay, because I would have felt like a giant or his mom or something).

One of the next first dates I went on was with this guy who I had talked with a lot. He is really good at getting me to open up and get into the details of my life. He was less concerned with telling me his life story or even asking the classic first date questions (where are you from? what do you do?). But there was no chemistry, I'm not attracted to him, and he kept the heater blowing on me the entire time=miserable! Worst of all, he invited himself into my tiny house and then judged me for living in such a small space. He made me feel like I needed to be rescued.

Another first date I had was with someone I call Hugh Grant guy. And this was actually not a date, but a ward linger longer. He is a sweet guy that I always try to talk with. Funny story, actually, I initially noticed him because he looks like Hugh Grant (hence the nickname). Then I sat by him at a break the fast and asked him his name. He told me and immediately got up and left the table. No, I didn't get the hint, he seems to be a really shy guy who needs a friend, so I didn't give up. I kept saying hi to him, using his name. He stopped in the hall once to talk with me. Each time after that was more and more interesting. Well this particular Sunday I sat by him to eat instead of my group of friends I usually sit with. He talked with me a lot, asking all the first date questions, and even showing me pictures of his family. This is the day he learned that I am a mom and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

First dates even suck when they're with the person you're actually interested in. This happened to me recently. Leading up to our date I was so excited that cloud nine looked like a rain cloud. He was being extra attentive and smiley with me. But on the date I was nervous. I felt like I should talk more, but then my baggage got in the way. I had some emotional abuse in my marriage and talking too much was part of that. So I worry. I also hate talking about my ex-husband, but I had recently had this guy give me a blessing. He followed up on what I told him, and that included mentioning my ex. Ugh! I've also been told that I'm not a good story teller, so I feel self-conscious about that. The thing is, this guy is one of my best friends. I'm sure he knows how I tell stories and enjoys conversing with me. We've talked easily for an hour before about random things like anime shows from our childhood. He did a good job on our date, even if I was speechless.



I enjoyed spending time with him, but afterward I felt stressed. I felt upset that my BIL let him into my parents house instead of redirecting him to my tiny house, especially since they're a hot mess over there. I keep my house a certain way, and didn't want that to be his first impression. I felt worried that he didn't have a great time on the date. I felt sad because it was over. I had the post-date blues. That's always what we called it in college.

But now, I have more clarity. I think it was a good date. I'm glad our first date is over and I still wish there was a way to skip to the fourth date. But I feel happy.

Happy that it happened.

Hope is not lost

The past couple weeks have been really hard,

I've cried like the drool of a great St. Bernard.

Memories flood in of my fun college times.

The friends that I made and their mistake, and their crimes.

Two Dr. Seuss books I read to my children, not tall.

Before I finish writing, a break I shall take which may be quite small.

~~~

The week after Ben died I learned that my friend from college, Mac, is in prison for attempt murder. This still feels unreal to me. I can't even imagine my friend going down a path that would include drugs and violence.

But it has gotten me thinking about the juxtaposition of these two good people. For some reason I can't help but see the parallel that my two dear friends have created. 

My one friend is in prison and my other friend is in spirit prison. 

It made me ask: who is in a better position? if Mac gets 35 years in prison he has time to repent and coming to Christ. He will be kept away from drugs and other temptations. But he will miss out on his whole life. he won't get out until he's 65, that's old enough to retire. he won't get to have a family he won't get to have a career. But Ben died in his sins. He has already abandoned God. My hope is that he will realize, "oh huh, I'm still here. oh yeah, I remember,  this must be the spirit world." 

His mother taught him well and raised him in the Gospel. My hope is that he will repent. I also hope his passing will benefit the life of his wife and children. She filed for divorce, but didn't go through with it. but she's never been able to leave him. For better or worse, she loves him. This will hopefully free her and let her move on. And hopefully come back to the Lord. My hope is that his children will find the gospel and the plan of happiness will resonate with them. I have hope and hope is never lost.

Lots of prayers have been offered. These events have impacted me more than I think they should have. They have weighed me down and I feel filled with sorrow, not just for them, but for their mothers. I received a blessing that has helped lift me up and clear my mind. 

I found comfort in a general conference talk that said it is easier to repent on this earth in this life but it is not impossible in the spirit world. See the talk Cleansed by Repentance by President Oaks here.

Some specific parts that stood out are below:

Under the laws of man, a person guilty of the most serious crimes can be sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole. But it is different under the merciful plan of a loving Heavenly Father. I have witnessed that these same serious sins can be forgiven in mortality because of our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for the sins of “all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit”

Although we are taught that some repentance can occur in the spirit world (see Doctrine and Covenants 138:31, 33, 58), that is not as certain. Elder Melvin J. Ballard taught: “It is much easier to overcome and serve the Lord when both flesh and spirit are combined as one. This is the time when men are more pliable and susceptible. … This life is the time to repent.”

We must not “procrastinate the day of [our] repentance” until death, Amulek taught (Alma 34:33), because the same spirit that has possessed our body in this life—whether the Lord’s or the devil’s—“will have power to possess [our] body in that eternal world” (Alma 34:34). Our Savior has the power and stands ready to cleanse us from evil. Now is the time to seek His help to repent of our wicked or unseemly desires and thoughts to be clean and prepared to stand before God at the Final Judgment

Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive” (3 Nephi 9:14)

Guys, don't do rugs.
PLEASE! Drugs ruin lives.

In Remembrance of Ben

About two weeks ago my friend and ex-brother-in-law passed away. We were friends in college and I have a lot of memories with him. Since his memorial is today, in Idaho, I will share some of my memories here:

We were in the same singles ward when I lived in the Brittany. he flirted with me a lot and we went out a couple times. He drove a little green car. He would flip cars which would take up extra spots in our parking lot, which was kind of annoying but I think he also paid for a covered parking spot so I guess it worked out okay.

Becky and I got locked out of our car once and we asked him for some help he came and he looked at it and he said I need a slim Jim to open this, called AutoZone to ask if they had them and the guy was like, "yes, and more!" so he went down to pick it up and he came back without the tool he needed. he said yeah, they had beef jerky.

he was always looking to make a buck. I remember he participated in a competition to win front row tickets to the BYU football game and when he won he sold them. but he had called up some audience members to crack eggs all over him and he asked me specifically ahead of time if I would participate. he told me to get the last egg and put it in his mouth and pop his chin to break in his mouth-disgusting. there's a picture of it somewhere.

He took me to Diwali. Made me watch that episode of the office beforehand and then bought me some peacock feathers on our date. The food was bitter, but the dancing was sweet.

We went on a hike with some of our ward friends up to Timpanogos caves. my sister is not the best hiker (she doesn't like the outdoors) so we were much slower, but he stayed with us the whole time. it was just a demonstration of his kind patient heart. 

He walked me to class once. It was September 18th. We had a conversation where he used a hypothetical girls name and we both thought of the name Janis. I learned later that was his birthday.

Another year on my birthday, my roommates threw me a surprise party and he brought this amazing candle that started out as like a closed flower and then as it played music it open up slowly and it lit more parts of the candle as spun around. it was so cool!

Another girl's apartment that we were pretty good friends with was having a party. I invited him to come to it. we made outfits out of newspaper and it was just a silly night. Oh my goodness, I just remembered, my friend and I were trying to light a match for some reason, but we didn't have the matchbox, so we're trying to do it on our zippers. he came in and laughed. He taught us they had to be strike anywhere matches. we didn't realize that. 

I remember we went country dancing once, on campus. he was a very forceful dancer - not a very good dancer, but it was fun.

One year Becky and i didn't go home for Thanksgiving and had a friendsgiving with the other members of our ward who also didn't go home. he and Candace were part of this group. Candace took charge and prepared an amazing meal and then we all went to the movies. we saw Stardust but he and Candace went to a different movie.

Our ward had a Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked Kent and my roommates asked his roommates, Becky went with Ryan, Chelsea went with Shea, and Alicia asked Mac, but he couldn't go for some reason, so she asked Ben, since he and Candace were on an off-again phase of their relationship. I remember Ben danced with me there. it's actually really sweet he noticed that I was upset about something and when he dance with me he made me put my feet on his feet and then we switched, hahaha.

Years later when I got engaged to his brother he was very happy and supportive, recalling some of the good times we had together, and said I was beautiful.

He's always helping

He's always helping

My heart broke when I learned that he left the church. I didn't know at the time that Austin had left too. And later I was there with his wife when she learned some upsetting news.

he hired a crazy lady off the street to wave a sign and have a purpose. she was enthusiastic even if she didn't bring in customers. I think it says a lot about his character that he paid her even though it wasn't benefiting him anything.

He so generously provided the cabin, the food (including wine for every dinner), the entertainment, everything that we needed for our last family reunion. He even flew people up if they couldn't afford it. He's so generous and I'm so grateful that we had that time to thank him. and I'm grateful for Matt and Joy for putting together that video of each one of us thanking him and sharing a memory of him because I think it gave us a chance to say goodbye. Even if we didn't realize it. I mean I knew that I was going to be leaving but no one else did. and no one knew Ben only had a couple more years.

See how he's always helping

I am even grateful that he and Austin were able to get closer in recent years. I remember after he paid for all of us to go drive go carts, He and most of his brothers were getting drunk, and he expressed to me that it must be really hard for me to have a husband who left the church and doesn't believe the same things as I do. and he was right! it was really hard. REALLY hard. unbearable in fact (which is why I'm divorced now), but he was thoughtful about it and compassionate even. he didn't try to convince me to leave, he just was kind.

He even took time at Elena's wedding in January to talk with me. He was a good friend and a really good person. I will miss him, But I'm thankful that I knew him.

Love you Ben.

Foodie

"I am such a foodie."

When I was in college I dated this guy who was a total foodie. It was great! He always took me out to these amazing places where we could each enjoy good food, try new things, and get to know each other better over a discussion of the flavor profile and presentation.

I lived with my sister, who is also a foodie. We would make dinner together regularly. I miss that time we spent cooking. We would watch Chopped together with our friend and then have Chopped nights of our own. We would gather random ingredients, write each down on a piece of paper, and throw them in a hat. After taking turns drawing ingredients we would each prepare either an appetizer, main dish, or dessert. It was so much fun! We started doing this with our family over Christmas and other times we were all together.

My whole family loves food. We love preparing food, plating food, and experimenting with food.  We even love learning about food. "Is this edible?" We understand food and how to find that balance that takes a good dish to an amazing dish. When we do use a recipe, it is usually when we are trying something new. Even then we tend to do a lot of research and create our own recipes for a specific meal. My younger sister refined her own recipe for soufflé!

I participated in a Sliced competition put on by a major grocery store. I teach cooking classes. And I spent no less than a month adapting recipes to comply with the whole 30 challenge.

I think I could safely say that I am a foodie.

My family watches shows like Chopped, The Great British Bake Off, and Salt Fat Acid Heat. My mom taught us well. She always cooked real food. Preparing and educating us at a young age how to cook from scratch. Both of my sisters and I have taken cooking classes in high school and college. My dad bakes bread every Sunday. He likes experimenting.

We are a family of foodies.

Because of my passion for food and cooking, or perhaps it is the grammar nazi in me, I cringe when non-foodies call themselves foodies. It has become one of my biggest pet peeves! A saw a facebook article (so obviously, very reliable), that reported that out of 2,000 people, something like 74% claimed to be self-described foodies. A foodie is more than someone who likes to eat. It is more than someone who overeats. In fact, it is someone who can control what they eat, not eat what doesn't actually taste good, and more so, someone who can cook well, and seeks to learn about food and how to use it.

Allow me to propose a second option. There are foodies, and then there are food eaters.

I have a dear friend who falls under the latter category. She loves to eat food, but the quality of the food doesn't matter. For example, she buys exclusively cheap store brand ice cream. I despise store brand ice cream. It just doesn't taste as good, as rich, or as full as say, Tillamook. To me, it's rarely worth it. I love this friend of mine, but every time she calls herself a foodie, a little part of me dies my brain explodes and I have to mentally say "TER" after her declaration.

She is a foodeaTER.

Wishes

The other day I went shopping with my mom. This has become a bonding time for us and I love it. We get to hang out and talk and share hopes and dreams along with disappointments and frustrations. This time after we pulled in to the driveway and got a load of bags from the back, I joked with her about my living arrangement because it is impossible to make only one trip as I am accustomed. The front entrance to my walkway is pretty narrow and hard to fit through, especially with arm-loads of bags. It led to a pretty funny conversation that I'll share with you.

"I wish we were rich so that my side yard could be bigger and you could have more space."
I laughed and said, "That's what you wish for?! If you are going to wish for something you should wish that Austin never left the church! or that Matt would have just married me! Wish that David would ask me out on a date, already!"
"I wish ALL of those things!" She replied, "and MORE!"
"Well you can't wish them all, you have to choose one."
"No, I wish Matt would have married you and that Austin never left the church!"

"Oh, yes. That would have been good. And then it would just be really awkward if David asked me out."

We laughed about it briefly and moved on. After thinking about it again, I realize all of the wishes I suggested had to do with men. I had thought about suggesting wishes that she had a mother-in-law basement where we could live more comfortably. Or for me to find great success in my art career and be able to afford a larger home with a yard and a view. Those were more practical and less comical, so I didn't say them. My list of wishes can go on and on, but in reality, I am grateful for what I have, and really wouldn't change much about my situation.

• I have friends who care about me.
• I am a child of God. 
• I have a firm testimony. 
• I know that God loves me and is aware of me.
• I can make others feel happy.
• I am smart and capable.
• I am beautiful.
• I am talented.
• I am strong.
• I can make good choices.
• I can express my feelings.
• I can do anything with Jesus who makes me STRONG! (adapted from Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me)

These are some of the affirmations that I say daily personally and with my children. They help us feel hope and happiness. They are more than wishes, they are attributes that we have and we need to remember. I want to become more like my Savior, and teach my children to do the same. In this, I find true happiness. 

I'm in no rush to find a husband. Yes, I want to love and be loved. I want to find someone I can trust and who will trust me. I want to spend my time with people who I can be myself around. 

I spent so much time during the last part of my marriage hiding who I was (both from my husband and from everyone else. I had to hide my worship and devout love for God at home because I didn't want to be attacked. And there is a shame put on us, wether it's real or not, for having trials and being different) and what I was going through, that I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to continue living a double life. Where during the week I'm a mom and on the weekends I'm a single lady. I don't want to have to keep those completely separate. I want to be able to be a single mom who can talk about her kids and about her friends any time I feel like it. I don't want to lose friends because I'm a mom. That's a big part of my life and it's important to me! And while it has shaped who I am, it doesn't completely define me. I am more than "just a mom" or "just a mid single" - I am both, and more!

If I can find someone who is not only okay with me being a mom, but who wants to jump in and be part of our family, as well as being a great companion to me, all while putting God first in all things, then I may consider moving forward with them. But I'm not looking to be rescued. I'm no damsel in distress. I'm a strong, confident woman, who is okay to go it alone for a little while. Because I'm not really alone, I've got my village of people and my God supporting me.

So yes, sometimes I wish life had turned out differently, but I am grateful not every desire, even a righteous desire, was answered or realized in the way I had wished. God has a plan for me. He has led my path, and with each step I take I can feel it is leading me back to Him.