First Dates

I like almost everything about being single again. I like the quiet church meetings with profound insights. I like the social events. I like my new group of friends. I like the game nights. I like the nervous feelings of having crushes. I like not being stuck in a relationship with someone by whom I'm disgusted. I like having friends who are like me. Who have been through hard things. Even the thought of dating is exciting and hopeful. But there is one thing I really don't like: FIRST DATES.

First dates are the worst.

The first date I went on after my divorce was with this really sweet guy I met on a dating app. When I met him at the restaurant, he was tiny. He told me his life story and mentioned that I was older than him. It wasn't a great date and I didn't even get a hug (which is okay, because I would have felt like a giant or his mom or something).

One of the next first dates I went on was with this guy who I had talked with a lot. He is really good at getting me to open up and get into the details of my life. He was less concerned with telling me his life story or even asking the classic first date questions (where are you from? what do you do?). But there was no chemistry, I'm not attracted to him, and he kept the heater blowing on me the entire time=miserable! Worst of all, he invited himself into my tiny house and then judged me for living in such a small space. He made me feel like I needed to be rescued.

Another first date I had was with someone I call Hugh Grant guy. And this was actually not a date, but a ward linger longer. He is a sweet guy that I always try to talk with. Funny story, actually, I initially noticed him because he looks like Hugh Grant (hence the nickname). Then I sat by him at a break the fast and asked him his name. He told me and immediately got up and left the table. No, I didn't get the hint, he seems to be a really shy guy who needs a friend, so I didn't give up. I kept saying hi to him, using his name. He stopped in the hall once to talk with me. Each time after that was more and more interesting. Well this particular Sunday I sat by him to eat instead of my group of friends I usually sit with. He talked with me a lot, asking all the first date questions, and even showing me pictures of his family. This is the day he learned that I am a mom and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

First dates even suck when they're with the person you're actually interested in. This happened to me recently. Leading up to our date I was so excited that cloud nine looked like a rain cloud. He was being extra attentive and smiley with me. But on the date I was nervous. I felt like I should talk more, but then my baggage got in the way. I had some emotional abuse in my marriage and talking too much was part of that. So I worry. I also hate talking about my ex-husband, but I had recently had this guy give me a blessing. He followed up on what I told him, and that included mentioning my ex. Ugh! I've also been told that I'm not a good story teller, so I feel self-conscious about that. The thing is, this guy is one of my best friends. I'm sure he knows how I tell stories and enjoys conversing with me. We've talked easily for an hour before about random things like anime shows from our childhood. He did a good job on our date, even if I was speechless.



I enjoyed spending time with him, but afterward I felt stressed. I felt upset that my BIL let him into my parents house instead of redirecting him to my tiny house, especially since they're a hot mess over there. I keep my house a certain way, and didn't want that to be his first impression. I felt worried that he didn't have a great time on the date. I felt sad because it was over. I had the post-date blues. That's always what we called it in college.

But now, I have more clarity. I think it was a good date. I'm glad our first date is over and I still wish there was a way to skip to the fourth date. But I feel happy.

Happy that it happened.

Hope is not lost

The past couple weeks have been really hard,

I've cried like the drool of a great St. Bernard.

Memories flood in of my fun college times.

The friends that I made and their mistake, and their crimes.

Two Dr. Seuss books I read to my children, not tall.

Before I finish writing, a break I shall take which may be quite small.

~~~

The week after Ben died I learned that my friend from college, Mac, is in prison for attempt murder. This still feels unreal to me. I can't even imagine my friend going down a path that would include drugs and violence.

But it has gotten me thinking about the juxtaposition of these two good people. For some reason I can't help but see the parallel that my two dear friends have created. 

My one friend is in prison and my other friend is in spirit prison. 

It made me ask: who is in a better position? if Mac gets 35 years in prison he has time to repent and coming to Christ. He will be kept away from drugs and other temptations. But he will miss out on his whole life. he won't get out until he's 65, that's old enough to retire. he won't get to have a family he won't get to have a career. But Ben died in his sins. He has already abandoned God. My hope is that he will realize, "oh huh, I'm still here. oh yeah, I remember,  this must be the spirit world." 

His mother taught him well and raised him in the Gospel. My hope is that he will repent. I also hope his passing will benefit the life of his wife and children. She filed for divorce, but didn't go through with it. but she's never been able to leave him. For better or worse, she loves him. This will hopefully free her and let her move on. And hopefully come back to the Lord. My hope is that his children will find the gospel and the plan of happiness will resonate with them. I have hope and hope is never lost.

Lots of prayers have been offered. These events have impacted me more than I think they should have. They have weighed me down and I feel filled with sorrow, not just for them, but for their mothers. I received a blessing that has helped lift me up and clear my mind. 

I found comfort in a general conference talk that said it is easier to repent on this earth in this life but it is not impossible in the spirit world. See the talk Cleansed by Repentance by President Oaks here.

Some specific parts that stood out are below:

Under the laws of man, a person guilty of the most serious crimes can be sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole. But it is different under the merciful plan of a loving Heavenly Father. I have witnessed that these same serious sins can be forgiven in mortality because of our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for the sins of “all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit”

Although we are taught that some repentance can occur in the spirit world (see Doctrine and Covenants 138:31, 33, 58), that is not as certain. Elder Melvin J. Ballard taught: “It is much easier to overcome and serve the Lord when both flesh and spirit are combined as one. This is the time when men are more pliable and susceptible. … This life is the time to repent.”

We must not “procrastinate the day of [our] repentance” until death, Amulek taught (Alma 34:33), because the same spirit that has possessed our body in this life—whether the Lord’s or the devil’s—“will have power to possess [our] body in that eternal world” (Alma 34:34). Our Savior has the power and stands ready to cleanse us from evil. Now is the time to seek His help to repent of our wicked or unseemly desires and thoughts to be clean and prepared to stand before God at the Final Judgment

Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive” (3 Nephi 9:14)

Guys, don't do rugs.
PLEASE! Drugs ruin lives.

In Remembrance of Ben

About two weeks ago my friend and ex-brother-in-law passed away. We were friends in college and I have a lot of memories with him. Since his memorial is today, in Idaho, I will share some of my memories here:

We were in the same singles ward when I lived in the Brittany. he flirted with me a lot and we went out a couple times. He drove a little green car. He would flip cars which would take up extra spots in our parking lot, which was kind of annoying but I think he also paid for a covered parking spot so I guess it worked out okay.

Becky and I got locked out of our car once and we asked him for some help he came and he looked at it and he said I need a slim Jim to open this, called AutoZone to ask if they had them and the guy was like, "yes, and more!" so he went down to pick it up and he came back without the tool he needed. he said yeah, they had beef jerky.

he was always looking to make a buck. I remember he participated in a competition to win front row tickets to the BYU football game and when he won he sold them. but he had called up some audience members to crack eggs all over him and he asked me specifically ahead of time if I would participate. he told me to get the last egg and put it in his mouth and pop his chin to break in his mouth-disgusting. there's a picture of it somewhere.

He took me to Diwali. Made me watch that episode of the office beforehand and then bought me some peacock feathers on our date. The food was bitter, but the dancing was sweet.

We went on a hike with some of our ward friends up to Timpanogos caves. my sister is not the best hiker (she doesn't like the outdoors) so we were much slower, but he stayed with us the whole time. it was just a demonstration of his kind patient heart. 

He walked me to class once. It was September 18th. We had a conversation where he used a hypothetical girls name and we both thought of the name Janis. I learned later that was his birthday.

Another year on my birthday, my roommates threw me a surprise party and he brought this amazing candle that started out as like a closed flower and then as it played music it open up slowly and it lit more parts of the candle as spun around. it was so cool!

Another girl's apartment that we were pretty good friends with was having a party. I invited him to come to it. we made outfits out of newspaper and it was just a silly night. Oh my goodness, I just remembered, my friend and I were trying to light a match for some reason, but we didn't have the matchbox, so we're trying to do it on our zippers. he came in and laughed. He taught us they had to be strike anywhere matches. we didn't realize that. 

I remember we went country dancing once, on campus. he was a very forceful dancer - not a very good dancer, but it was fun.

One year Becky and i didn't go home for Thanksgiving and had a friendsgiving with the other members of our ward who also didn't go home. he and Candace were part of this group. Candace took charge and prepared an amazing meal and then we all went to the movies. we saw Stardust but he and Candace went to a different movie.

Our ward had a Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked Kent and my roommates asked his roommates, Becky went with Ryan, Chelsea went with Shea, and Alicia asked Mac, but he couldn't go for some reason, so she asked Ben, since he and Candace were on an off-again phase of their relationship. I remember Ben danced with me there. it's actually really sweet he noticed that I was upset about something and when he dance with me he made me put my feet on his feet and then we switched, hahaha.

Years later when I got engaged to his brother he was very happy and supportive, recalling some of the good times we had together, and said I was beautiful.

He's always helping

He's always helping

My heart broke when I learned that he left the church. I didn't know at the time that Austin had left too. And later I was there with his wife when she learned some upsetting news.

he hired a crazy lady off the street to wave a sign and have a purpose. she was enthusiastic even if she didn't bring in customers. I think it says a lot about his character that he paid her even though it wasn't benefiting him anything.

He so generously provided the cabin, the food (including wine for every dinner), the entertainment, everything that we needed for our last family reunion. He even flew people up if they couldn't afford it. He's so generous and I'm so grateful that we had that time to thank him. and I'm grateful for Matt and Joy for putting together that video of each one of us thanking him and sharing a memory of him because I think it gave us a chance to say goodbye. Even if we didn't realize it. I mean I knew that I was going to be leaving but no one else did. and no one knew Ben only had a couple more years.

See how he's always helping

I am even grateful that he and Austin were able to get closer in recent years. I remember after he paid for all of us to go drive go carts, He and most of his brothers were getting drunk, and he expressed to me that it must be really hard for me to have a husband who left the church and doesn't believe the same things as I do. and he was right! it was really hard. REALLY hard. unbearable in fact (which is why I'm divorced now), but he was thoughtful about it and compassionate even. he didn't try to convince me to leave, he just was kind.

He even took time at Elena's wedding in January to talk with me. He was a good friend and a really good person. I will miss him, But I'm thankful that I knew him.

Love you Ben.

Foodie

"I am such a foodie."

When I was in college I dated this guy who was a total foodie. It was great! He always took me out to these amazing places where we could each enjoy good food, try new things, and get to know each other better over a discussion of the flavor profile and presentation.

I lived with my sister, who is also a foodie. We would make dinner together regularly. I miss that time we spent cooking. We would watch Chopped together with our friend and then have Chopped nights of our own. We would gather random ingredients, write each down on a piece of paper, and throw them in a hat. After taking turns drawing ingredients we would each prepare either an appetizer, main dish, or dessert. It was so much fun! We started doing this with our family over Christmas and other times we were all together.

My whole family loves food. We love preparing food, plating food, and experimenting with food.  We even love learning about food. "Is this edible?" We understand food and how to find that balance that takes a good dish to an amazing dish. When we do use a recipe, it is usually when we are trying something new. Even then we tend to do a lot of research and create our own recipes for a specific meal. My younger sister refined her own recipe for soufflé!

I participated in a Sliced competition put on by a major grocery store. I teach cooking classes. And I spent no less than a month adapting recipes to comply with the whole 30 challenge.

I think I could safely say that I am a foodie.

My family watches shows like Chopped, The Great British Bake Off, and Salt Fat Acid Heat. My mom taught us well. She always cooked real food. Preparing and educating us at a young age how to cook from scratch. Both of my sisters and I have taken cooking classes in high school and college. My dad bakes bread every Sunday. He likes experimenting.

We are a family of foodies.

Because of my passion for food and cooking, or perhaps it is the grammar nazi in me, I cringe when non-foodies call themselves foodies. It has become one of my biggest pet peeves! A saw a facebook article (so obviously, very reliable), that reported that out of 2,000 people, something like 74% claimed to be self-described foodies. A foodie is more than someone who likes to eat. It is more than someone who overeats. In fact, it is someone who can control what they eat, not eat what doesn't actually taste good, and more so, someone who can cook well, and seeks to learn about food and how to use it.

Allow me to propose a second option. There are foodies, and then there are food eaters.

I have a dear friend who falls under the latter category. She loves to eat food, but the quality of the food doesn't matter. For example, she buys exclusively cheap store brand ice cream. I despise store brand ice cream. It just doesn't taste as good, as rich, or as full as say, Tillamook. To me, it's rarely worth it. I love this friend of mine, but every time she calls herself a foodie, a little part of me dies my brain explodes and I have to mentally say "TER" after her declaration.

She is a foodeaTER.

Wishes

The other day I went shopping with my mom. This has become a bonding time for us and I love it. We get to hang out and talk and share hopes and dreams along with disappointments and frustrations. This time after we pulled in to the driveway and got a load of bags from the back, I joked with her about my living arrangement because it is impossible to make only one trip as I am accustomed. The front entrance to my walkway is pretty narrow and hard to fit through, especially with arm-loads of bags. It led to a pretty funny conversation that I'll share with you.

"I wish we were rich so that my side yard could be bigger and you could have more space."
I laughed and said, "That's what you wish for?! If you are going to wish for something you should wish that Austin never left the church! or that Matt would have just married me! Wish that David would ask me out on a date, already!"
"I wish ALL of those things!" She replied, "and MORE!"
"Well you can't wish them all, you have to choose one."
"No, I wish Matt would have married you and that Austin never left the church!"

"Oh, yes. That would have been good. And then it would just be really awkward if David asked me out."

We laughed about it briefly and moved on. After thinking about it again, I realize all of the wishes I suggested had to do with men. I had thought about suggesting wishes that she had a mother-in-law basement where we could live more comfortably. Or for me to find great success in my art career and be able to afford a larger home with a yard and a view. Those were more practical and less comical, so I didn't say them. My list of wishes can go on and on, but in reality, I am grateful for what I have, and really wouldn't change much about my situation.

• I have friends who care about me.
• I am a child of God. 
• I have a firm testimony. 
• I know that God loves me and is aware of me.
• I can make others feel happy.
• I am smart and capable.
• I am beautiful.
• I am talented.
• I am strong.
• I can make good choices.
• I can express my feelings.
• I can do anything with Jesus who makes me STRONG! (adapted from Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me)

These are some of the affirmations that I say daily personally and with my children. They help us feel hope and happiness. They are more than wishes, they are attributes that we have and we need to remember. I want to become more like my Savior, and teach my children to do the same. In this, I find true happiness. 

I'm in no rush to find a husband. Yes, I want to love and be loved. I want to find someone I can trust and who will trust me. I want to spend my time with people who I can be myself around. 

I spent so much time during the last part of my marriage hiding who I was (both from my husband and from everyone else. I had to hide my worship and devout love for God at home because I didn't want to be attacked. And there is a shame put on us, wether it's real or not, for having trials and being different) and what I was going through, that I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to continue living a double life. Where during the week I'm a mom and on the weekends I'm a single lady. I don't want to have to keep those completely separate. I want to be able to be a single mom who can talk about her kids and about her friends any time I feel like it. I don't want to lose friends because I'm a mom. That's a big part of my life and it's important to me! And while it has shaped who I am, it doesn't completely define me. I am more than "just a mom" or "just a mid single" - I am both, and more!

If I can find someone who is not only okay with me being a mom, but who wants to jump in and be part of our family, as well as being a great companion to me, all while putting God first in all things, then I may consider moving forward with them. But I'm not looking to be rescued. I'm no damsel in distress. I'm a strong, confident woman, who is okay to go it alone for a little while. Because I'm not really alone, I've got my village of people and my God supporting me.

So yes, sometimes I wish life had turned out differently, but I am grateful not every desire, even a righteous desire, was answered or realized in the way I had wished. God has a plan for me. He has led my path, and with each step I take I can feel it is leading me back to Him.

Hope for eventually

I was asked every month last year if I was pregnant. 

January, fifth Sunday, a woman I've spoken to a few times asked me a series of questions leading up to when I was due. I said, "I'm not pregnant." She asked, "Were you?" As if that was okay. If I had miscarried I would have probably been in tears or already fled from the room. I said, yes, twice, referring to my two daughters. She said someone told her I was but when I asked who she couldn't remember. No apology. I should have slapped her.

A couple months later it was a student in my cooking class. She looked at my belly and asked if I was going to have a baby. (I have lost weight since my husband moved out. My stress level has gone down significantly!) I said no and told her not to ask that question. When she asked why and I told her it was rude.

Another month someone called me on the phone, when I answered, she asked if i was pregnant.

Sure, these might be funny anecdotes (some day (someday never comes)), but in the moment, it really hurt. It's not just that it sounded like, "you look fat" in which case, why isn't the question, "Do you want to go get ice cream?" Because 9 times out of 10 it's probably because I'm bloated due to that time of the month.

Let me explain to you why this is SO inappropriate. 

First of all, it's none of your damn business wether I'm pregnant or not. If you didn't put it in there you don't get to ask. Period. 

Next, instead of asking me about me and the actual crap I was going through, you're asking me about something irrelevant. I was living with a huge trial. My husband became an atheist and started treating me poorly. Someone I had once trusted with everything. My hopes, my opinions, my dreams, my body. He betrayed me and God, and you're asking me if I'm pregnant? If you don't know me well enough to know about all my other crap, you don't need to know whether I am or not. Or if I don't know or care about you well enough for me to tell you when I am pregnant, you don't have any right to ask.

Finally, I have always wanted a big family. Give me all the babies! When it came time for us to start trying for another baby, he told me he didn't want any more children. And he threatened to be snipped. My heart is already broken because I'm not pregnant. Please don't bring it up. If you have to ask if someone is pregnant you don't know why they may not be. Infertility, abuse, miscarriage, marital problems, no desire, other priorities, any of these can go into that decision. Asking that question can be hurtful in so many ways. Just don't go there.

Elusive Happiness

I'm a little lost right now. I used to be happy. I used to feel lucky. I used to think my life was perfect, and yet I felt this impending doom. I looked at my sisters who are amazing women and I would think how unfair lives are. How I had everything, and they were each deprived of what their hearts most wanted. In short, to grow their families, respectively. 

Now, they are doing it and my life is falling apart. My husband left me (and God and our shared beliefs). My kids are still wonderful, but my hopes and dreams for a big happy family are dwindling - with no real prospects of ever changing. I am looking at moving into a trailer - like, to live in a trailer... on the side of my parents house.
yeah. 

In the mean time my younger sister and her husband are building a mansion and my older sister is getting married. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for both of them! But when it's pushed in my face so much all together I really just want to run away. But I can't, because I am stuck in Arizona, a place as hot as H E double hockey sticks. I did try to escape for a weekend, to Utah, to see my best friend (my sister). 

Utah and Becky are two things that make me feel safe and like I'm home, but this visit was very different. I did not feel at home there at all. I felt lonely. I felt ignored and unimportant. I felt out of place and guilty for leaving my kids a few hours early. I missed Kimber. I wanted to reach out to friends there, to talk with them about the hard time I've been going through, but felt like I couldn't because right now it's not about me. It's about Becky. 

Even though she acted excited for me to come visit and get to know her fiancé better, she left me feeling unwelcome. She couldn't leave him early for even one night so we could have a real conversation. And at a convention we all went to I was alone most of the time. It's discouraging to have your best friend ignore you as if you're not there. But even more than that, the mountains in Utah used to bring me peace and hope. This time they left me feeling homesick and anxious. 

I am happy, because I choose to be happy. But it's a lot harder. It doesn't always come naturally. I have to really work for it.  I don't know where I belong. Where God wants me. What His plan is for me. I find myself missing people I used to know (as in see regularly). Good people who I cared about. Who were true friends to me. These few people who have been on my mind lately have character that I admire and I want to emulate. 

It has been easier to be happy lately in comparison to the passed two years, while I was going through a silent hell. What with my best friend (husband) leaving the church and becoming an atheist and breaking my heart over and over and over again. Who knew your heart would beat even after such a beating. After living in darkness for such a long time I feel free and light. It's a relief! In that way it is easy to be happy. I try to focus on the good things in my life. 

The friends I do have and can count on. One friend just had a baby and still invited us in to play and chat. She is a huge help. She is so supportive and seems to actually care about me. I'd call her my best friend, but I'm not that bold. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to vent about my favorite people (and least favorite). I do need to say, though, that I have felt strengthened from the prayers given on my behalf. Like, I was held up by an unseen power. So thank you if you were one of those people.