Hope for eventually

I was asked every month last year if I was pregnant. 

January, fifth Sunday, a woman I've spoken to a few times asked me a series of questions leading up to when I was due. I said, "I'm not pregnant." She asked, "Were you?" As if that was okay. If I had miscarried I would have probably been in tears or already fled from the room. I said, yes, twice, referring to my two daughters. She said someone told her I was but when I asked who she couldn't remember. No apology. I should have slapped her.

A couple months later it was a student in my cooking class. She looked at my belly and asked if I was going to have a baby. (I have lost weight since my husband moved out. My stress level has gone down significantly!) I said no and told her not to ask that question. When she asked why and I told her it was rude.

Another month someone called me on the phone, when I answered, she asked if i was pregnant.

Sure, these might be funny anecdotes (some day (someday never comes)), but in the moment, it really hurt. It's not just that it sounded like, "you look fat" in which case, why isn't the question, "Do you want to go get ice cream?" Because 9 times out of 10 it's probably because I'm bloated due to that time of the month.

Let me explain to you why this is SO inappropriate. 

First of all, it's none of your damn business wether I'm pregnant or not. If you didn't put it in there you don't get to ask. Period. 

Next, instead of asking me about me and the actual crap I was going through, you're asking me about something irrelevant. I was living with a huge trial. My husband became an atheist and started treating me poorly. Someone I had once trusted with everything. My hopes, my opinions, my dreams, my body. He betrayed me and God, and you're asking me if I'm pregnant? If you don't know me well enough to know about all my other crap, you don't need to know whether I am or not. Or if I don't know or care about you well enough for me to tell you when I am pregnant, you don't have any right to ask.

Finally, I have always wanted a big family. Give me all the babies! When it came time for us to start trying for another baby, he told me he didn't want any more children. And he threatened to be snipped. My heart is already broken because I'm not pregnant. Please don't bring it up. If you have to ask if someone is pregnant you don't know why they may not be. Infertility, abuse, miscarriage, marital problems, no desire, other priorities, any of these can go into that decision. Asking that question can be hurtful in so many ways. Just don't go there.

Elusive Happiness

I'm a little lost right now. I used to be happy. I used to feel lucky. I used to think my life was perfect, and yet I felt this impending doom. I looked at my sisters who are amazing women and I would think how unfair lives are. How I had everything, and they were each deprived of what their hearts most wanted. In short, to grow their families, respectively. 

Now, they are doing it and my life is falling apart. My husband left me (and God and our shared beliefs). My kids are still wonderful, but my hopes and dreams for a big happy family are dwindling - with no real prospects of ever changing. I am looking at moving into a trailer - like, to live in a trailer... on the side of my parents house.
yeah. 

In the mean time my younger sister and her husband are building a mansion and my older sister is getting married. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for both of them! But when it's pushed in my face so much all together I really just want to run away. But I can't, because I am stuck in Arizona, a place as hot as H E double hockey sticks. I did try to escape for a weekend, to Utah, to see my best friend (my sister). 

Utah and Becky are two things that make me feel safe and like I'm home, but this visit was very different. I did not feel at home there at all. I felt lonely. I felt ignored and unimportant. I felt out of place and guilty for leaving my kids a few hours early. I missed Kimber. I wanted to reach out to friends there, to talk with them about the hard time I've been going through, but felt like I couldn't because right now it's not about me. It's about Becky. 

Even though she acted excited for me to come visit and get to know her fiancé better, she left me feeling unwelcome. She couldn't leave him early for even one night so we could have a real conversation. And at a convention we all went to I was alone most of the time. It's discouraging to have your best friend ignore you as if you're not there. But even more than that, the mountains in Utah used to bring me peace and hope. This time they left me feeling homesick and anxious. 

I am happy, because I choose to be happy. But it's a lot harder. It doesn't always come naturally. I have to really work for it.  I don't know where I belong. Where God wants me. What His plan is for me. I find myself missing people I used to know (as in see regularly). Good people who I cared about. Who were true friends to me. These few people who have been on my mind lately have character that I admire and I want to emulate. 

It has been easier to be happy lately in comparison to the passed two years, while I was going through a silent hell. What with my best friend (husband) leaving the church and becoming an atheist and breaking my heart over and over and over again. Who knew your heart would beat even after such a beating. After living in darkness for such a long time I feel free and light. It's a relief! In that way it is easy to be happy. I try to focus on the good things in my life. 

The friends I do have and can count on. One friend just had a baby and still invited us in to play and chat. She is a huge help. She is so supportive and seems to actually care about me. I'd call her my best friend, but I'm not that bold. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to vent about my favorite people (and least favorite). I do need to say, though, that I have felt strengthened from the prayers given on my behalf. Like, I was held up by an unseen power. So thank you if you were one of those people.

What Just Happened?

Yesterday I was sick all day with some kind of stomach bug. YUCK! My mom and I both had it and knew if it persisted through today neither of us would get to go to church. Thankfully, we both woke up feeling much better, not 100%, but able to put on a dress and sit for three hours.

I got up early, prayed, got ready, and went to pick up my kids. We went to church and had a nice time. It's fast Sunday, so we got to hear a bunch of testimonies. I enjoyed it a lot. I taught the lesson in CTR 4 about knowing that Jesus Loves Me, and each one of us. Before I started I took the opportunity to share my testimony with my class. I testified of the power of prayer and the truth that God is there and hears us. He inspires us. He wants to help us. I told them about an experience I had yesterday with my cousin. She has been visiting for a little while and yesterday she was flying to California for a job. It was about a half an hour before she was supposed to leave and she could not find her phone. We looked everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! and it was no where to be found. Finally, my mom said, "okay, we've put in our effort, it's time to pray." She prayed and as soon as she was done, my dad saw my cousins bag on the floor and suggested we check it. She had already checked there, but she did, and pulled out her phone! 

God answers prayers.

After church we walked outside around the building to our car. We got in and buckled. Part of Eva's buckle was bothering her so I pulled into a space by the exit of the church parking lot to adjust it for her. I got back in and slowly backed up, waiting for other cars around me. I went to the driveway and I was going to turn left, so I could drive down the street I live on, but then I had the thought, I should just go out to Lindsay, I need to take my kids back to their father right now anyway. 

So I turned right. 

I stopped at the light, glanced right, looked left. Traffic was clear so I proceeded to turn right. Then a loud sound happened and a guy was rolling off the hood of my car. He was yelling and swearing, and I felt terrible! I got out, and already Brother Clouse was there, taking care of the guy, calming me down, and directing me where to move my car. Other loving ward members came to take care of me. People who witnessed the accident reassured me that it wasn't my fault. The guy dislocated his shoulder and was taken away in an ambulance. He was walking and was shaken up. He also had a backpack with him that the officers went through, finding at least a couple of women's wallets/purses. I know I heard the officers saying they were going to run the bike through their system.

The guy got a ticket for riding his bike on the wrong side of the street. I did not get a ticket for anything. The officer told us (me, and the small group of people who stayed with me), that I did nothing wrong and that I didn't hurt him, he hurt himself. 

I know it's terrible, but I feel like I was supposed to turn that way at that time. Even though it wasn't habit. Normally, I would have gone a different way, but this time I turned right, and stopped someone who likely had stolen from others. I hope he's okay, and I hope this is the end of it for me. But I also hope that the valuables that were found in his backpack get back to their rightful owners. I didn't want to help catch a bad guy. But I wasn't going very fast. 

While it was traumatic for all involved, hopefully it will turn out to be a blessing. The sisters who stayed with me told me I can use this experience as a teaching example. Why we should follow traffic laws. Why we should wear a helmet. But I also think it will be helpful to illustrate these principles on a spiritual level. Why we need to put on the armor of God and follow the commandments. 

Why we need to choose the right.

Does this make my butt look big?

Yesterday I wore my hair differently than I had ever done it before. I got LOTS of compliments. It made me wonder if I really looked good or if it just looked different. If it just looked different and not even in a good way, I shouldn't get a compliment because that's not what a real friend does. That's not why you go shopping with your bestie. You go shopping with your bestie because you can trust her to tell you, "yes, that does make your butt look big." Or, "hm. That color washes you out. Becky can wear yellow. You? YOU should NOT!" You can trust her to be honest with you and love you even when you emphasize you flaws right in front of her. 

Next time you see someone who looks different, but not good, here are 3 things you can say instead of giving a compliment.

Say "Hi" without the compliment

If you see someone who changed something but not in a good way, you can still say hi to them, if you would normally, but don't compliment the change. Imagine you see an acquaintance who is wearing a blouse that is not flattering on them. It's either the wrong color, cut, or size. Instead of saying as you pass, "Hi Janet, I love your blouse!" Just say, "Hi Janet!" and keep walking.

Ask about something else without the compliment

You can still talk to that person, without pointing out their obvious mishap. Imagine your friend got a souvenir on a recent vacation that they decided to wear in their hair. When you see her, the ridiculously loud, over-sized prize she chose to wear on top of her head is all you can focus on. You say, "Hi Carol, I love your bow." This will let her think the placement and appropriateness of wearing it this way is good and flattering. Instead you can say, "Hi Carol, how are you doing? How was your trip to California?" This is acknowledging that she is trying to emphasize her trip. You don't mislead her, but you do show her you care about her.

Give kind criticism with a different compliment

When you are actually friends with someone there is a level of trust there. In a kind way you can tell a close friend what you really think. If you want to soften it you can add a different compliment. So instead of saying, "Natalie, I love your lipstick! Burnt orange is your color." You can say, "Hey Natalie, oh my gosh, your eyes are so blue, they shine." Chat a little more, then add, "Are you trying a new color of lipstick?" She might reply, "Yeah, I don't know how I feel about it..." Now you can say, "I'm not a big fan of this color, but I loved the pink you wore last Thursday."

Twas the Night Before Christmas Letter

Twas the year before next, in two thousand sixteen,

Both our creatures were stirring, and not wanting to wean.

The father was working, and passing the bar,

To become a great lawyer both near and afar.

The children were happy, taking classes to learn,

How to dance, swim, and cook all in their own turn.

And Mommy taught classes at Gilbert, of Art,

To adults, and to kids, and could tell them apart.

When out on the train, on the way to his work,

Someone stole Austin's phone, to the outside he took.

Austin sprang to his feet and into a tussle,

After a strike to the head he needed to hustle. 

He got his new phone back, told cops the offense,

Then signed up for Krav Maga to learn self defense.

We liked spending time, together, we two,

Practicing fighting the closer we grew.

With littles in toe, so lively and quick,

We like to go hiking and take lots of pic(s)

Zoo trips are plenty, we go with a pass,

And love to see animals, even the -uh- camel. 

Now Amelia's a dancer! She loves to perform.

She helps cook us breakfast, and keeps the food warm.

Counting is easy, and letters are fun,

She is learning so much and wanting to run. 

Eva is smart, reading books she adores!

She can climb, she can jump, she is never a bore.

Her sister she watches as so to emulate,

Together they are each others favorite playmate.

We traveled a lot this year, going away,

To places like Utah, to wish we could stay.

Visits from Becky were cherished, too few,

But video chatting will somehow have to do.

We went to New Mexico to visit and see

Loved ones and nature, which is so key.

Day trips were spent in Tucson, not for vacation,

But rather a funeral to remember Grandma Boughan.

Last but not least, to California we flew,

With Lisa's family to see something new.

Amelia's and Eva's first trip to Disneyland,

Followed by beaches to play in the sand. 

Universal Studios was not to be missed,

Harry Potter World was high on our to-do list.

Memories were made and fun times were had,

Sharing it with our children made us so glad!

Our family is happy, a right jolly old life,

Austin laughs with his children and loves his dear wife.

We like to play outside and watch funny videos,

And hear our girls giggle as we tickle their toes. 

A big year for Lisa, she got to attend,

Time Out For Women. And watch to the end

Gilmore Girls and She Loves Me! Favorited shows,

She also turned 30 and joined games of Bunco.

It's nice to be close to family, so dear,

And make some new friends with those who are near.

In this season we wish you to keep Christ in your sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Love,

Austin, Lisa, Amelia, and Eva Martineau

It's Not Easy Being Green

The other day I was at Home Depot. I needed to get some wood and have it cut down. When I was checking out, the cashier asked me if I wanted to them to email me my receipt. I felt a pang in my heart. I like being green, I thought, let's save the planet one receipt at a time. So I said yes and took the extra couple minutes to fill in my email address so they could send the electronic copy of my receipt. There was a line slowly growing behind me, but I thought, don't worry, it's worth it. When I was done they printed out my receipt, shoved it in my bag, and sent me on my way. Face-palm. When I was roommates with my sister we recycled all the time. For a time we had a "service" come pick it up for us. It was really just some guy in the business program, but we were grateful. When that ended, we kept at it. We would save all of our recyclable materials. Filling up bags and bags of it. Since we didn't have a blue barrel where we were living, we had to get more creative. We would load them up in our car in the middle of the night and drive around Provo looking for a blue barrel that had a little extra space in it. We would stealthily unload a bag or two into each barrel and then drive off like the recycling bandits we were. It was very exciting.

My boss at the Provo Recreation Center was awesome. She was very environmentally conscious. She implemented a recycling system so everybody would have easy access to recycling. The problem wasn't getting people to recycle, it was communicating to the custodial staff where to dump each bin. Turns out they put everything in the dumpster and nothing got recycled. Fail.

I try to do my part for the planet. I don't just throw away every plastic bottle or container. I even get the stuff out of the bathroom when I can remember. It all accumulates in a big cardboard box either in our living room or in the corner of the kitchen. We share a blue barrel with the upstairs and somehow they always seem to beat us to filling it up. So our recycling box finds a new home in our garage for another week.

What are some of your recycling experiences? Are you green? Do you take your planet into consideration when you throw that water bottle away? What does the environment mean to you?

3 Mistakes of Charging too Little

As an artist who works on commission, I feel like people expect to pay very little for the artwork they want. Maybe it's because they don't value it as much as something else like clothes or food. Maybe they don't realize that I, too, need things like clothes and food. Maybe they don't take me seriously.

I am an artist. I have a degree. I am a professional. And I'm good at what I do. I am also a mom and my time is valuable! It's time to charge what I'm worth.

Would you want an attorney who charges the same as your babysitter (Assuming your babysitter is the 12 year old who lives down the block)? Why would you want an artist who does? Sometimes it's not even minimum wage. Sometimes it's much less.

The fact of the matter is that making art takes time. It also requires skill. Skill that was acquired and refined in college, which cost money. A lot of money. Some would say you get what you pay for. If you really believe your artwork is only worth a few dollars, then fine, only ask for a few dollars. But if you have spent hours a day working on your craft. If you have spent years of your life learning and growing and investing in yourself and the work you produce. Why would you devalue yourself, your work, and your time?

Don't do it.

I have created several comic books for a wedding company. They are fun to make but they take a lot of time and effort - a lot goes into each panel. First I have to do research. I find my reference images. Then I design a villain. I compose each panel and draw it by hand. Then I scan in the images, put them into Photoshop, and finally finish them off with color.

These are worth a lot, but I made some mistakes along the way. I started out asking what seemed like a reasonable amount. I took into account the fact that the company I'm working with also needs to make a profit (mistake number one). I was not confident in my ability (mistake number two). And I had no idea how long it would take me (mistake number three).

Mistake #1
Cutting into my profits is like paying my employer. I still want them to make a profit, but that is their responsibility, not mine.

Mistake #2
I know I am capable. I should never doubt that. If I don't think I can complete the project to the commissioners liking I shouldn't want the job. And I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway. Every artist has a different style and focus. That's a good thing. Don't take work you don't want to do.

Mistake #3
Each panel took more than an hour to complete. I charged what would have worked out to be about $5 an hour. What was I thinking? Now I charge by the panel, which is fair for everyone. I know roughly how long it will take me to complete each image. And I know there's a market and a demand for the product so I don't have to worry that I wont get any more work.

I don't regret charging less at first because it was a learning process. I took more time on certain things that now I do more efficiently. I know what I need and how to do it the best way it can be done.