Thankful for the Good Times

Each day of November I like to recognized something for which I am thankful. It's a wonderful exercise that I enjoy doing. In fact, I've been having my kids do this regularly - list the things for which they are grateful. It usually goes something like this:

1. Mom
2. Amelia/Eva
3. Rain and rainbows
4. Jesus
5. Every other family member listed by name and so on.

Today I want to talk about something I'm thankful for that I don't usually let myself think about. I'm thankful for Austin. I'm grateful for what I had with him. Because when it was good, it was really good!

I'm thankful for kissing. I'm thankful for making babies together. I'm thankful for those babies. I'm thankful he liked hiking and that we could explore this beautiful world together. I'm thankful he took me to the temple and made covenants with me, even if he hasn't held up his side. I'm thankful for the silly, the happy, and the funny. I'm thankful for the kindness and for the passion. For the tender and the sweet and that he could make me laugh. I'm thankful for the good times.


I've been thinking about him a lot this week. I've actually been missing him.

I've mourned losing him and I think of him as two different people. My Austin, the man I fell in love with all those years ago, who was my best friend; and then this new Austin, the stranger I don't much like. I sometimes forget that my guy is still in there, at least partly. But the last week or so I've been thinking about him.

My sister-in-law had a baby on the 30th. She was alone on her couch. The ambulance didn't arrive in time. She had Austin come. He was truly the best birth partner I could have asked for. I can't imagine having babies with anyone else. He filled his roll as helpmeet and stayed calm and confident in me the whole time. I'm really thankful for him and for that time of my life.

I think I may not be done mourning Austin. I miss him and I hate when I'm reminded of who he used to be.

On Monday morning I texted him about Eva having fallen down. When she trips while running she doesn't put her hands up to brace herself or protect herself from the fall. She just bodyslams the ground scraping her knees, shoulders, and face. I don't think that is an instinct you have to learn. I asked him to observe her. Later that day he texted me something that made me laugh out loud. I miss his sense of humor.

So today, when I dropped off the girls, he wasn't wearing clothes, as usual. He was at least wearing shorts. But instead of reminding me of how gross he is and the choices he's made, it reminded me of a little home video clip from early in our marriage. He did a silly magic trick that made me laugh, so I asked him to do it again so I could record it. He was only in his garments so I asked him to either put a shirt on or take it off (I didn't want to record sacred things).

I don't know why life turns out the way it does. I have a theory that God knows what we don't want  most in the world and then gives it to us to see how we'll react. Or to show ourselves how we'll react. I drew a cartoon of one of my biggest fears when I was in college. It was of my sisters and me as old cat ladies. Becky, in her wing back chair, was reading. Kimber, in her rocking chair, was sewing. And I was probably laying on the floor making art. Our cats filled the rest of the space. I didn't realize then that there was a more difficult fate for me. My sisters are both married with babies around the same age. And my cat doesn't love me.