One More Down

Here are a few things I got out of our relationship:

1. Passion
I am a passionate person and I deserve someone who is also a passionate person. I learned that I can have what I want.

2. Momentary Happiness
If we knew the end from the beginning we would not find as much joy in this life as we can because we don't know the end from the beginning.

For example, if I could remember the plan for my life from the preexistence, I would have remembered that I was going to marry this amazing guy and we're going to have two beautiful little girls and then he was going to leave the church and break my heart. And then we were going to get divorced. Then I would meet some other guys, some great and some crappy, but then I would finally meet my eternal companion. If I could remember this, all of the process would have been a chore. I wouldn't have been able to truly love Austin. I wouldn't have been able to truly be devoted to him because I would have known the end from the beginning. I would have known that it wasn't going to last for eternity because of his choices and that would have taken so much joy and happiness away from me.

The purpose of this life is the Plan of Happiness. The veil is a key part in the plan of happiness so that we can't know the end from the beginning, no matter how much we may wish we could because that would rob us of our happiness.

3. Experience
I got experience. I got heartbreak. I got frustration. I got to bond with my girlfriends because of the things that he's put me through. I got time with this person. He's a son of God and I got to get to know him as such. I think there's good in him, though I'm confused and hurt by his actions.

Worst Case Scenario

When I started working for the government they told us that we were at a higher risk of public shootings. Especially since I worked at the recreation center. There were always an abundant amount of carefree casualties around. We had a life guard who was fired because he went crazy and told someone, maybe his therapist that he wanted to shoot the place up. We had to think about what we would do in that situation, understanding our roles as teachers and therefore protectors. I made a plan as to how I would keep my students and myself safe. I thought about it a lot.

I like to know my surroundings. I don't like it when people are behind me. Whether they are walking, or standing, or whatever the situation, I like to have my eyes on them. It lets me feel like I'm in control. I feel like I have a choice to acknowledge them and discern whether I am safe or need to fight or flee.

I'm one of those people who thinks about the worst case scenario. When I drive on the freeway I am constantly checking the lanes beside me in case I have to swerve out of the way for any number of reasons I could give you. One that comes to mind at this time is wrong way drivers. Sometimes, though, instead of envisioning avoiding the accident, I imagine a different conclusion. It's not that I would cause anything to happen. It's not that I really want something to happen. It's just, sometimes...

A Bobbing Knight

I'm not going to make many friends by saying this, but when I was in high school I was not at all impressed with Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was actually rather offended by it and my mind was scarred with one scene in particular. If you know it, you know it.

There was a knight in the forest who stood up to those who tried to cross him. He consistently stood his ground. Then someone came and fought him. He had his arm cut off during the fight and blood spewed out. Denying it's severity he claimed it was just a scratch and that he'd had worse. Then the other arm was cut off, this time losing his sword wielding arm, and more blood gushed from the new vacancy. "Tis but a flesh wound" he declared, resiliently, and began fighting with his legs and feet. His leg gets cut off but he continues bobbing around like a determined idiot, throwing threats like he's tied to a chair in Alias (sorry, that's a different soap box). "What are you going to do? Bleed on me?" He finally loses his other leg and is left limbless in the wilderness. Still, he confidently calls after them to take what's coming to them, reminding them he still has his mouth. He's still got fight in him. Nothing was able to get him down... well emotionally. He is significantly shorter after having lost both legs.

This past Sunday I have finally found what to do with this absurd and repulsive scene. It's only been fifteen years or so since it seared itself into my mind.

In Relief Society we discussed the talk Consistent and Resilient Trust By Elder L. Todd Budge.

President Russell M. Nelson taught, “The joy the Savior offers [us] … is constant, assuring us that our ‘afflictions shall be but a small moment’ [Doctrine and Covenants 121:7] and be consecrated to our gain.” Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy.
The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning—a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.

We talked about the brother of Jared, who had concerns about the Lord’s design for the barges. He prayed saying, “O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me. And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light. O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?”

Then we were asked, "What concerns have you taken to the Lord?"

Of course I thought of my period of darkness and how I think we all have to pass through darkness in order to better know and love the light. A few month ago my friend gave a talk about being reborn and becoming something better. He began by talking about when a spirit comes to earth, it spends nine months in darkness before coming into this world when it's born. He finished with an analogy of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It too, must spend time in darkness to become something greater and fulfill it's potential.

Others shared the hard things they've gone through. From the death of a loved one to the marriages of younger siblings. Just being in a mid-singles ward shows that we've all been through something hard and we've all had concerns that we've persevered through.

So to relate the scene to what I learned on Sunday, I see myself in this ridiculous bobbing knight. I see us all in him. Faithful and enduring, "I move for no man." Immovable in the face of certain death, trusting in God's plan for each of us. Never giving up the fight, no matter how much it seems we lose.



It was a really good talk and I would encourage reading it here.
Also, for your enjoyment or utter disgust:

I'm Failing

I feel like I'm failing in every way.

I try to be a good mom. I want to be there for my kids like my mom was there for me and my sisters, but I don't know how to do it all.

I want to be successful as an artist and not have to teach, but people don't want to buy art from me.

I want to find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, but I can't find that person who I also want to be with.

I want to be calm and happy and not overreact about stupid little things, but sometimes I do get angry and frustrated and so depleted of energy that little things that don't matter will set me off. And then it will either come out in tears or in swearing. And I hate that about myself most of all.

I wish I didn't want to be married. I wish I had chosen a different path. I wish I didn't suck at life. I need to figure out how to pay my bills and give my children Christmas. I hate that when they ask for things I have to tell them no because I don't have money to buy whatever it is they are wanting. I am grateful that they do have grandparents and aunts who spoil them sometimes, but it hurts to know that I can't do that for them right now. I want so badly to give them everything, and feel like I'm able to give nothing.

I feel empty.

Thankful for the Good Times

Each day of November I like to recognized something for which I am thankful. It's a wonderful exercise that I enjoy doing. In fact, I've been having my kids do this regularly - list the things for which they are grateful. It usually goes something like this:

1. Mom
2. Amelia/Eva
3. Rain and rainbows
4. Jesus
5. Every other family member listed by name and so on.

Today I want to talk about something I'm thankful for that I don't usually let myself think about. I'm thankful for Austin. I'm grateful for what I had with him. Because when it was good, it was really good!

I'm thankful for kissing. I'm thankful for making babies together. I'm thankful for those babies. I'm thankful he liked hiking and that we could explore this beautiful world together. I'm thankful he took me to the temple and made covenants with me, even if he hasn't held up his side. I'm thankful for the silly, the happy, and the funny. I'm thankful for the kindness and for the passion. For the tender and the sweet and that he could make me laugh. I'm thankful for the good times.


I've been thinking about him a lot this week. I've actually been missing him.

I've mourned losing him and I think of him as two different people. My Austin, the man I fell in love with all those years ago, who was my best friend; and then this new Austin, the stranger I don't much like. I sometimes forget that my guy is still in there, at least partly. But the last week or so I've been thinking about him.

My sister-in-law had a baby on the 30th. She was alone on her couch. The ambulance didn't arrive in time. She had Austin come. He was truly the best birth partner I could have asked for. I can't imagine having babies with anyone else. He filled his roll as helpmeet and stayed calm and confident in me the whole time. I'm really thankful for him and for that time of my life.

I think I may not be done mourning Austin. I miss him and I hate when I'm reminded of who he used to be.

On Monday morning I texted him about Eva having fallen down. When she trips while running she doesn't put her hands up to brace herself or protect herself from the fall. She just bodyslams the ground scraping her knees, shoulders, and face. I don't think that is an instinct you have to learn. I asked him to observe her. Later that day he texted me something that made me laugh out loud. I miss his sense of humor.

So today, when I dropped off the girls, he wasn't wearing clothes, as usual. He was at least wearing shorts. But instead of reminding me of how gross he is and the choices he's made, it reminded me of a little home video clip from early in our marriage. He did a silly magic trick that made me laugh, so I asked him to do it again so I could record it. He was only in his garments so I asked him to either put a shirt on or take it off (I didn't want to record sacred things).

I don't know why life turns out the way it does. I have a theory that God knows what we don't want  most in the world and then gives it to us to see how we'll react. Or to show ourselves how we'll react. I drew a cartoon of one of my biggest fears when I was in college. It was of my sisters and me as old cat ladies. Becky, in her wing back chair, was reading. Kimber, in her rocking chair, was sewing. And I was probably laying on the floor making art. Our cats filled the rest of the space. I didn't realize then that there was a more difficult fate for me. My sisters are both married with babies around the same age. And my cat doesn't love me.

Choose Happy

It's been just over a year since my divorce was finalized. But my life as I knew it was over three years ago. I have had three years to cope and recover from losing my husband. While I did it alone, it would have been nice to have a support group of people who were like me. Whether it was exmosos (ex mormon significant others), single moms, widows, or any other human going through something blindingly hard. Honestly, I would have even settled for a pet, but I wasn't allowed to have one, even though I lived on a farm.

I couldn't let people in. I couldn't talk about it. If I did it would have made it too real. I couldn't face it. I kept hoping things would change. I kept praying for God to undo it. Where's the undo button in life? I wanted my husband to come back to God and to me. I felt unheard. But then I got an answer. It was an answer I didn't want, "This is not the question you should be asking." This was not the way forward.

I was depressed.

My perception was warped. I was alone. There were people who would have loved me, who have been there for me, but they didn't know what was going on. Or what I was going through. I can think of specific people who have reached out and shown they cared about me. A few (not all) are Julia, Mary, Eliza, my mom, Kimber, and of course Marrie, but she did pry her way into my life at the moment I absolutely needed her. I am thinking of more at this very moment, but no one wants to ready a list of names...

I needed to recognize what I had, but I couldn't see it. The mists of darkness I was living in were too thick to see all the good around me unless I worked really hard to actively look for it. Which I did. I've always looked for the good in my situation. I could recognize the good around me in the beauty of the earth, even during that time. I taught my children to take in a beautiful sunset, the plants in the neighborhood, and the birds singing in the trees.

I'm usually a happy person. Able to see the good. Able to smile. Able to be grateful. Able to choose God. Able to be positive. Able to choose to be happy.

It's one of my favorite choices. To choose what makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. But occasionally, when I have a high, I will also have a low that follows. I feel like me most of the time. I can choose to be happy and hopeful most of the time. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can barely choose to get out of bed. And some of those times I can't even do that. That is not me or who I want to be. On the flip side, there are times where I feel I accelerate into frustration. I have been praying for help in this area of my life. For a long time. I just want to be me all the time. I think I've finally accepted my answer.

I found a therapist. He gets me to open up and I like talking with him. He is different from me, but we share core values and he  has shown me that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. He's also talked with me about how I can take control of my life again, and that there is no shame in it.

Heavenly Father can fix everything just the way we want, but He's not going to do that. That would take away so much growth for each of us. And it would keep us from the future He has in mind for us, which is far better than the future we can imagine for ourselves. Having said that, I think He wants us to choose for ourselves what we want. And I think He trusts us that we can recognize what does make us happy and brings us closer to Him.

A couple months ago I received a blessing. I will often feel like I need a blessing, but I'll go as long as I can without getting one. I had actually asked my dad for a blessing, but, I don't know, maybe he thought I was joking. Anyway, I had a couple members of the Elder's Quorum presidency come visit me and get to know me. I shared with them the positive things in my life and talked a lot about what was going right in my life. One of them lives down the street from me and has a daughter my age. He and his wife have been role models to me and I have looked up to them for most of my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the influence they've had on me over the years. He recently had a son get divorced, and it was ugly. He had a lot of sympathy for me and the situation I find myself in.

Before these two brethren left they were trying to figure out a way to offer me help. They know my dad, a general contractor and go-to guy of the ward, but they asked if they could give me a blessing. It caught me off guard and made me pause. I needed a blessing and wanted one. I accepted the offer. And while the one seemed to better understand what I was currently going through, I asked the other man who I've known for a quarter of a century to give it.

In this blessing he said several beautiful things. He talked about how the Lord doesn't want anyone to have to go through divorce, but the burden has been placed on my shoulders due to no actions on my part. He said I will be strengthened to be able to carry my burdens, to lift them and even have them be removed. But my favorite part, that he emphasized in the blessing, was when he said that I would soon know the reason why. The blessing continued with other personal things, but this part gives me the most hope. Hope is never lost. At the time I received the blessing I was feeling like I needed to put the walls back up around my heart and not let anyone else in because I had been hurt too many times. But that's not what God wants. That's not choosing happy.

Over the summer I felt strongly that I needed to do something I didn't want to do. It took me a month of wrestling with it, but I finally did it. It did not go the way I had hoped, but I could feel the urgency and importance of it. I knew I had been directed by God to do it. And I trusted that. Answers have come. And I feel happy about it now. Following the voice of the Spirit always matters.

1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Sacrifice to be Happy

I have this thing where I think people don't want to talk to me about the things I want and need to talk about. And I hate the idea of taking up too much of someone's time. I feel guilty and weird about it. I think that's why I go to writing. I write so I can be concise and say what I mean. Sometimes when I just talk I end up rambling on like an idiot or I feel my mouth moving while I'm processing information which then comes out confusing and not actually what I mean to say.

So I will sometimes just not talk about what I need to or if it's something that's been on my mind I'll say, I know you don't want to talk about this, but... When this happens with my sister she's always like, ugh, Lisa! Why do you always do this? I want to talk about what you want to talk about. And then I feel like a person again. She always knows what to say.

My thing is that Austin didn't want to talk to me about what I wanted or needed to talk about. It got to the point where I dreaded talking to him about anything, and I'm still trying to get over this fear. I felt like I didn't have anything to say because he wasn't really interested in hearing it. My needs were left unmet. And I was always the one compromising in our marriage. But I was happy to do it because that's what marriage is about, right? Sacrificing to make your partner happy?

For example, he had left the church but still came for a while longer. You could look at this as a sacrifice on his part, or you could look at this as him being a decent human and actually not abandoning his family. Either way, I guess it was something. But there were sometimes things he wanted to do or events that would come up on Sundays. Like this attorney networking family picnic. He wanted to go but it was on a Sunday, during church. Of course I agreed that it would be good for us to skip church this one week in order to make it to this event. It was family oriented and beneficial in the long run. I was a really supportive wife and I always made helping him make connections and find a professional place a priority. This often went unappreciated. I felt like I was annoying to him.

So I developed this fear. But I am realizing that it might be affecting my current relationships, however serious they may or may not be. I think it's important to keep communication open and talk about my needs. I'm the type of person who wants to make others happy and will sacrifice my own wants and needs for someone else. I've done this to a fault, and have beaten myself up when I feel like I let others down. I feel like this happens if I can't sacrifice for them.

For example, a few months ago my best friend had a friend visiting from out of town. She wanted me to meet her and share my story with her. I was invited to go out with them after another activity I had attended. I had been up early that morning and late the night before (what else is new?). I was stretched thin because of work and other commitments. I was exhausted and needed sleep. But she was counting on me. I didn't want to go at this point, but I felt I should go. I got in my car and talked with my sister on the phone before driving anywhere. I found myself sobbing and being told that I needed to put myself first (for once). So I did. I let my friend know I wouldn't be able to make it and I went home to bed.

Being able to talk about my needs or unmet needs is important, and I expect the significant people in my life to talk with me about their needs, too. Because I do want to make others happy and I do want to sacrifice for the people I love and care about. I think sacrifice has a negative connotation, but I also think it's an important form of showing pure love for others.

Christ lived His life this way. He died this way. He sacrificed His life -- the way He lived as well as actually dying -- to show His love for His Father and for each of us. He had more capacity to sacrifice than we do, and we are not asked or expected to do it at the extent He did. He wants us to be happy. Sometimes that means sacrificing for others, and sometimes that means letting others sacrifice for us.