So last Christmas season Heidi I went to an ugly sweater party that was also a mistletoe party. It was a fun party and we met some nice people. But we both hesitated joining in on the "fun" others were having. I considered what it would be like to be like them. It wouldn't be that hard for me to just change a little bit of who I am to embrace the moment and take charge of my life in whatever way I wanted. I had to ask myself if that is really what I would want do I want to fit in with these people. Do I want to kiss some random person who happens to be standing under some dinky leaves at the same time with me? No, I do not.
I've actually thought about this a lot over the past nearly year. Not about kissing strangers, but about who I want this new version of me to be. I have a new start in a new place. With all new friends. I feel like it's a rebirth of sorts. In one way, I feel like an infant. Entering a world where everyone is already comfortable. They seem to know what they're doing and who they fit in wth. And they know each other. They share history and memories, and there's no way for me to break into that. It was scary and difficult. I had to be brave and push myself out of my comfort zone to be able to find where I belonged. I felt like I was testing out the waters. Going from one group and type of people to another. It was a journey before I found the people I felt most comfortable with.
It kind of reminds me of the stereotypical high school cliques. There are the cool kids, the nerds, the rebels, the pretty girls, etc. I didn't fit in anywhere. I sometimes heard people mention their kids and I wanted to be friends with them because I'm also a single mom and I felt like we could stick together and understand each other. I didn't know who to sit by or reach out to or talk to or hang out with. I was desperate for a group of people that I could feel like I could be close to and confide in. I had built in friends in college - they were my roommates - but now my roommates are children and I can't have other roommates because I have children and no money.
I finally found Heidi. She was not a single mom. Or divorced. But somehow we clicked and matched so well that we we became instant best friends. We were both new to this community, and we both needed a friend. We just didn't know how much. God's plan is awesome! Some of the other friends I found were people who I resonated with because I remembered who I was before I got married and I could see that person fitting in with these people. I met most of them at game nights, which is what we would do in college. My soul felt safe with them and my heart felt like I belonged. They are who I needed. And though none of them were parents or divorced, they've all been through hard things. And they've each been able to support and love me as I have for them.
I have since learned that even if all these people had grown up together and went to college together and were in the YSA wards together, they actually are each going through their own journey to find where they belong. We're all in this together. Some of them have left the singles scene and are back. That's got to have it's own sense of awkward. Some of them have been through their own hell and are courageously climbing their way back into activity. And others have been through hurt and rejection repeatedly. Well, that's probably all of us, actually.
I like the Nike slogan, just do it. I like that it encourage you to take control of your life and make choices for yourself that are going to bring you happiness. I feel like I'm still figuring out who I am or who I want to be in this post divorce period of my life. But I like my life. It's full of possibilities. Sure some of the possibilities are hard or painful, but the potential for good things to come is exciting.
Sunday was a good day. Nothing happened on Sunday night. A bunch of nothing. But it gave me confidence that I haven't had in a long time. And it made me see the value in myself. I actually feel empowered because of the kind words that a true friend has said to me.
I am strong.
I say this with my children on a daily basis. I am strong in Christ and through Christ. I'm also strong because my choices, which are grounded in Christ. Sometimes strength looks differently than we thought. I have made choices in my life that I have regretted and because of those weaknesses I have felt the need to be strong. I don't regret the choices that I've made recently, but I do find strength in them. Sometimes I do this thing where I think I'm being strong, but really I'm putting up walls and keeping people out. I'm realizing that my natural instinct is to run and hide, so when my therapist told me that I should not run and hide I felt like he could see into my soul.
Sometimes strength comes in different ways. It comes in being vulnerable. It comes in trusting yourself and others. It comes in letting yourself be in the moment. There is strength in being able seeing myself as others perceive me. There is strength in moving forward. There is a strength in being soft and delicate. There is strength in being happy even if, from the outside, it doesn't look like my situation would allow for that.
I've actually thought about this a lot over the past nearly year. Not about kissing strangers, but about who I want this new version of me to be. I have a new start in a new place. With all new friends. I feel like it's a rebirth of sorts. In one way, I feel like an infant. Entering a world where everyone is already comfortable. They seem to know what they're doing and who they fit in wth. And they know each other. They share history and memories, and there's no way for me to break into that. It was scary and difficult. I had to be brave and push myself out of my comfort zone to be able to find where I belonged. I felt like I was testing out the waters. Going from one group and type of people to another. It was a journey before I found the people I felt most comfortable with.
It kind of reminds me of the stereotypical high school cliques. There are the cool kids, the nerds, the rebels, the pretty girls, etc. I didn't fit in anywhere. I sometimes heard people mention their kids and I wanted to be friends with them because I'm also a single mom and I felt like we could stick together and understand each other. I didn't know who to sit by or reach out to or talk to or hang out with. I was desperate for a group of people that I could feel like I could be close to and confide in. I had built in friends in college - they were my roommates - but now my roommates are children and I can't have other roommates because I have children and no money.
I finally found Heidi. She was not a single mom. Or divorced. But somehow we clicked and matched so well that we we became instant best friends. We were both new to this community, and we both needed a friend. We just didn't know how much. God's plan is awesome! Some of the other friends I found were people who I resonated with because I remembered who I was before I got married and I could see that person fitting in with these people. I met most of them at game nights, which is what we would do in college. My soul felt safe with them and my heart felt like I belonged. They are who I needed. And though none of them were parents or divorced, they've all been through hard things. And they've each been able to support and love me as I have for them.
I have since learned that even if all these people had grown up together and went to college together and were in the YSA wards together, they actually are each going through their own journey to find where they belong. We're all in this together. Some of them have left the singles scene and are back. That's got to have it's own sense of awkward. Some of them have been through their own hell and are courageously climbing their way back into activity. And others have been through hurt and rejection repeatedly. Well, that's probably all of us, actually.
I like the Nike slogan, just do it. I like that it encourage you to take control of your life and make choices for yourself that are going to bring you happiness. I feel like I'm still figuring out who I am or who I want to be in this post divorce period of my life. But I like my life. It's full of possibilities. Sure some of the possibilities are hard or painful, but the potential for good things to come is exciting.
Sunday was a good day. Nothing happened on Sunday night. A bunch of nothing. But it gave me confidence that I haven't had in a long time. And it made me see the value in myself. I actually feel empowered because of the kind words that a true friend has said to me.
I am strong.
I say this with my children on a daily basis. I am strong in Christ and through Christ. I'm also strong because my choices, which are grounded in Christ. Sometimes strength looks differently than we thought. I have made choices in my life that I have regretted and because of those weaknesses I have felt the need to be strong. I don't regret the choices that I've made recently, but I do find strength in them. Sometimes I do this thing where I think I'm being strong, but really I'm putting up walls and keeping people out. I'm realizing that my natural instinct is to run and hide, so when my therapist told me that I should not run and hide I felt like he could see into my soul.
Sometimes strength comes in different ways. It comes in being vulnerable. It comes in trusting yourself and others. It comes in letting yourself be in the moment. There is strength in being able seeing myself as others perceive me. There is strength in moving forward. There is a strength in being soft and delicate. There is strength in being happy even if, from the outside, it doesn't look like my situation would allow for that.
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