This has been a really rough day for me, and I woke up with allergies, which doesn't help. I feel like I'm treading water and I'm about to drown. Sometimes I get hit with a bout of depression and feel weepy. It doesn't necessarily have to do with my circumstances, but can be brought on by it. Usually it's when I'm sleep deprived.
Yesterday was a great day, full of fun, friends, and new things. I got to go shooting with one of my best friends. I went to an all day bachelorette party with some sweet women. A game night was squeezed in there, and then my bestie and I saw the movie Gemini Man which I really enjoyed. I hated the young version of Will Smith! I couldn't even look at him. I think it was mostly because we all remember what he looked like in Fresh Prince. But there were multiple parts that were basically direct quotes from my life that day. So much so that Heidi and I looked at each other with shock and amazement!
But yesterday was also weird and confusing, with emotional highs and lows. Which may be why I'm on an emotional low right now. Today was fast Sunday and I wanted to bear my testimony. I was going to get up, but I went to my mid singles ward and there were too many other people who flocked to the stand in masses.
I used to bear my testimony often. Throughout college I would get up and share the things I knew to be true. I would testify of God and my relationship with Him. I would recognize His divine hand in my life. I would speak of the fulness of His gospel, and the hope that it brought to me. But my favorite things to share about were the blessings of the temple. The peace I felt every time I attended, the spirit it brought into the rest of my life, and the questions I received answers to. I still know these things to be true. I stopped getting up in sacrament meeting while I was married and I don't know if I've done it since then. I live my testimony every day. And I love it. But you know what? It's hard to be strong all. the. time. And it's exhausting.
I want to have someone who can be strong for me when I am weak. I am strong in my faith in God, but I still have questions and doubts about things that I don't understand. Some of the things Austin told me about when we were married. It's not that he planted doubts that are going to grow into a problem, but I wonder about them. I think that a lot of the anti stuff exmos read is mingled with truth. Some of it really happened and is hard to swallow. Some of it is merely partial truths, other stuff has been twisted while some of it is based on human expectations that do not match God's will. Still other bits are caused by human error. And some of it is just blatant lies. Most of it doesn't bother me. I can see what it is, and I can understand that God knows better than I do. But some of it lingers in my mind so that when I hear certain things it triggers a doubt or a question, which causes confusion.
For example, when I hear that I am supposed to devote my abilities to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it kind of makes me cringe inside. I don't want to do all I can for the church, but for God. And for His gospel. And while I believe that this church holds the full, true gospel of Jesus Christ, I also believe it's a work in progress. The church is run by faith and revelation. God allows humans -imperfect people who are trying as hard as they can- to run and direct it on this earth. God is not a micromanager. I've had to work for someone like that before and it sucks. I did not love that experience so much that even though I enjoyed what I did and was good at it, I couldn't continue there. I prefer to work for someone who trusts me.
I've been watching the show Person of Interest lately, and it reminds me of how the Lord sends us revelation. He will bring a person or a topic to our minds. He may repeat this along with a warmth in our hearts multiple times. We are then allowed to ponder and proceed the way we understand that we should. The Lord knows each of us well enough to know how we will respond. If we are wrong, the Lord will stop us and redirect us. We then make changes and continue on.
Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.
I'm not having a great day today. I probably need some extra prayers. I have ghosts in my life. I have hang ups. I have heartache. I feel like every time I choose someone, they don't choose me back. I'm frustrated and confused and depressed. Satan is hitting me with heavy showers of doubt in my abilities and virtues.
Depression is trying to take over my mind. I'm having all sorts of thoughts about how no one needs me, notices me, or wants me. Including my kids. Painful thoughts that are telling me that if I died and they weren't raised in the church, or had the influence of the Gospel or their mother, it would probably be better for them in the long run. Maybe Austin would even soften toward the church, and stop trying to prove that it is not true, and they could just have a normal happy life. I know this isn't true. But this is why mental health is so important.
Austin is really against the church and all that is associated with it, including me. Toward the end of our marriage he started treating me like I was in the way, like I didn't belong there as part of the family. He would take the girls to the park but didn't want me to come. It was like he thought that was his time with them. He would ignore me and act as if I wasn't there, because he wished I wasn't. It was cruel and I hated it. It seemed he thought I was an idiot and too insignificant to matter.
I would sleep in so that he could get up early in the morning and be with the girls. It allowed me stay up late and work on my art and my art business. As soon as I got up he would leave the room and not come out of the back room for hours. It didn't matter if he had work to do or not. I found myself spending the day with my kids without a husband or a partner. We were basically separated while living in the same house.
I still told Austin that I loved him every single day. And I meant it. Eventually, I had to stop. It was sometime after we decided to get divorced, but before he moved out. I stopped because he wouldn't say it back and it hurt too much to say it, mean it, feel it, but not hear it, or receive it.
After he moved out I got asked a few times when I stopped loving him. I had no answer, because truthfully, I still loved him. And I still love him, but not in a way that I want to be with him. I can recognize the good in him. I can see his potential. I can see him for who he truly is. A child of God.
I had to stop in the middle of writing this to go to a fireside. I didn't really want to go and I didn't want to stop working on this, but the thought came an hour before it started, and again a few minutes later. Then, just over a half an hour before it started I reached a point where I had a writers block and thought, "If I go to the fireside, I will be able to finish this." So I went. And I am glad did. Even though it was all about vulnerability. I guess the Lord is still wanting me to work on this.
The speaker was amazing. Pres. Joel Beckstead, a psychiatrist, spoke about vulnerability and shame, and how we can overcome our doubts and incorporate healthy mental habits in our lives.
His first point was of self love, saying, "you can only love others as much as you love yourself." But you need to love God first. When I tell my four year old that I love her the mostest, she smiles and reminds me that I love Jesus more. Because if I love Jesus the most, then He gives me more love for others, which includes myself. I know that God loves me, and because I know this, I know that I am enough. He is my creator. He has trusted me enough to go through all the hard things I've gone through. And He's proud of the way I've handled them.
This helps me to be vulnerable. Which I'm super bad at, but I guess it's an important way to be seen and heard and validated or whatever. Ugh. Sometimes we ask things like, Why should I put myself out there only to be deeply hurt by others? For me, right now, I am able to do it so that others can know that they matter. Even if I don't matter to them.
Sometimes I feel like even if I am amazing and have all the qualities someone is looking for in a partner, I'm still not enough. I am still rejected and cast aside and I have to walk the path alone for a little bit. But we must go through sorrow to know real and lasting joy. Pres. Beckstead pointed out that this is a good thing. This is the Lord's plan. It's a curvy line with ups and downs. This means that we're human. That we're alive. That we are, in fact, not alone. He talked about how the number one leading health concern is connection, or rather the lack thereof.
It takes work to be mentally healthy and I don't think that I'm just treading water and about to drown, but rather I feel like I am churning cream into butter. All of my hard work and effort isn't for nothing. It's serving two purposes. First, it's making me stronger. And second, it's changing my circumstances.
Yesterday was a great day, full of fun, friends, and new things. I got to go shooting with one of my best friends. I went to an all day bachelorette party with some sweet women. A game night was squeezed in there, and then my bestie and I saw the movie Gemini Man which I really enjoyed. I hated the young version of Will Smith! I couldn't even look at him. I think it was mostly because we all remember what he looked like in Fresh Prince. But there were multiple parts that were basically direct quotes from my life that day. So much so that Heidi and I looked at each other with shock and amazement!
But yesterday was also weird and confusing, with emotional highs and lows. Which may be why I'm on an emotional low right now. Today was fast Sunday and I wanted to bear my testimony. I was going to get up, but I went to my mid singles ward and there were too many other people who flocked to the stand in masses.
I used to bear my testimony often. Throughout college I would get up and share the things I knew to be true. I would testify of God and my relationship with Him. I would recognize His divine hand in my life. I would speak of the fulness of His gospel, and the hope that it brought to me. But my favorite things to share about were the blessings of the temple. The peace I felt every time I attended, the spirit it brought into the rest of my life, and the questions I received answers to. I still know these things to be true. I stopped getting up in sacrament meeting while I was married and I don't know if I've done it since then. I live my testimony every day. And I love it. But you know what? It's hard to be strong all. the. time. And it's exhausting.
I want to have someone who can be strong for me when I am weak. I am strong in my faith in God, but I still have questions and doubts about things that I don't understand. Some of the things Austin told me about when we were married. It's not that he planted doubts that are going to grow into a problem, but I wonder about them. I think that a lot of the anti stuff exmos read is mingled with truth. Some of it really happened and is hard to swallow. Some of it is merely partial truths, other stuff has been twisted while some of it is based on human expectations that do not match God's will. Still other bits are caused by human error. And some of it is just blatant lies. Most of it doesn't bother me. I can see what it is, and I can understand that God knows better than I do. But some of it lingers in my mind so that when I hear certain things it triggers a doubt or a question, which causes confusion.
For example, when I hear that I am supposed to devote my abilities to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it kind of makes me cringe inside. I don't want to do all I can for the church, but for God. And for His gospel. And while I believe that this church holds the full, true gospel of Jesus Christ, I also believe it's a work in progress. The church is run by faith and revelation. God allows humans -imperfect people who are trying as hard as they can- to run and direct it on this earth. God is not a micromanager. I've had to work for someone like that before and it sucks. I did not love that experience so much that even though I enjoyed what I did and was good at it, I couldn't continue there. I prefer to work for someone who trusts me.
I've been watching the show Person of Interest lately, and it reminds me of how the Lord sends us revelation. He will bring a person or a topic to our minds. He may repeat this along with a warmth in our hearts multiple times. We are then allowed to ponder and proceed the way we understand that we should. The Lord knows each of us well enough to know how we will respond. If we are wrong, the Lord will stop us and redirect us. We then make changes and continue on.
Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.
I'm not having a great day today. I probably need some extra prayers. I have ghosts in my life. I have hang ups. I have heartache. I feel like every time I choose someone, they don't choose me back. I'm frustrated and confused and depressed. Satan is hitting me with heavy showers of doubt in my abilities and virtues.
Depression is trying to take over my mind. I'm having all sorts of thoughts about how no one needs me, notices me, or wants me. Including my kids. Painful thoughts that are telling me that if I died and they weren't raised in the church, or had the influence of the Gospel or their mother, it would probably be better for them in the long run. Maybe Austin would even soften toward the church, and stop trying to prove that it is not true, and they could just have a normal happy life. I know this isn't true. But this is why mental health is so important.
Austin is really against the church and all that is associated with it, including me. Toward the end of our marriage he started treating me like I was in the way, like I didn't belong there as part of the family. He would take the girls to the park but didn't want me to come. It was like he thought that was his time with them. He would ignore me and act as if I wasn't there, because he wished I wasn't. It was cruel and I hated it. It seemed he thought I was an idiot and too insignificant to matter.
I would sleep in so that he could get up early in the morning and be with the girls. It allowed me stay up late and work on my art and my art business. As soon as I got up he would leave the room and not come out of the back room for hours. It didn't matter if he had work to do or not. I found myself spending the day with my kids without a husband or a partner. We were basically separated while living in the same house.
I still told Austin that I loved him every single day. And I meant it. Eventually, I had to stop. It was sometime after we decided to get divorced, but before he moved out. I stopped because he wouldn't say it back and it hurt too much to say it, mean it, feel it, but not hear it, or receive it.
After he moved out I got asked a few times when I stopped loving him. I had no answer, because truthfully, I still loved him. And I still love him, but not in a way that I want to be with him. I can recognize the good in him. I can see his potential. I can see him for who he truly is. A child of God.
I had to stop in the middle of writing this to go to a fireside. I didn't really want to go and I didn't want to stop working on this, but the thought came an hour before it started, and again a few minutes later. Then, just over a half an hour before it started I reached a point where I had a writers block and thought, "If I go to the fireside, I will be able to finish this." So I went. And I am glad did. Even though it was all about vulnerability. I guess the Lord is still wanting me to work on this.
The speaker was amazing. Pres. Joel Beckstead, a psychiatrist, spoke about vulnerability and shame, and how we can overcome our doubts and incorporate healthy mental habits in our lives.
His first point was of self love, saying, "you can only love others as much as you love yourself." But you need to love God first. When I tell my four year old that I love her the mostest, she smiles and reminds me that I love Jesus more. Because if I love Jesus the most, then He gives me more love for others, which includes myself. I know that God loves me, and because I know this, I know that I am enough. He is my creator. He has trusted me enough to go through all the hard things I've gone through. And He's proud of the way I've handled them.
This helps me to be vulnerable. Which I'm super bad at, but I guess it's an important way to be seen and heard and validated or whatever. Ugh. Sometimes we ask things like, Why should I put myself out there only to be deeply hurt by others? For me, right now, I am able to do it so that others can know that they matter. Even if I don't matter to them.
Sometimes I feel like even if I am amazing and have all the qualities someone is looking for in a partner, I'm still not enough. I am still rejected and cast aside and I have to walk the path alone for a little bit. But we must go through sorrow to know real and lasting joy. Pres. Beckstead pointed out that this is a good thing. This is the Lord's plan. It's a curvy line with ups and downs. This means that we're human. That we're alive. That we are, in fact, not alone. He talked about how the number one leading health concern is connection, or rather the lack thereof.
It takes work to be mentally healthy and I don't think that I'm just treading water and about to drown, but rather I feel like I am churning cream into butter. All of my hard work and effort isn't for nothing. It's serving two purposes. First, it's making me stronger. And second, it's changing my circumstances.
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