I keep a journal of sorts by texting myself thoughts and experiences that I have throughout my day. I've been doing this for a long time and this morning I was going back and reading through some of them. I want to share a few insights into my life from the perspective of who I was when I was going through the hardest period of my life.
September 21, 2017 at 1am
September 2017
Sometimes I feel sick because I've trusted him with everything! My hopes, my dreams, my body, my heart. I really feel worthless. I thought I had finally found the guy who would love me for eternity, through ups and downs, and he has betrayed me in every way. And I still have to share my kids with him. I hate him. And I hate that I love him.
June 18, 2017
Someone bore their testimony at church today that they love this church and they have never had a greater feeling than that of being part of this church. While I agree, the opposite is also true. Being part of this church has caused more pain and heartache than I ever thought was possible.
(I'd like to mention, enduring the pain was worth it. I don't like to think about how close I got to letting go and leaving. I felt like a loose tooth, hanging on by a thread.)
February 26, 2017
I look forward to my Sunday, but meanwhile, as hard and heartbreaking as it is, my Friday is beautiful.
February 15, 2017
I talk to Him (Heavenly Father) the way I would talk to anyone else. He's my friend and as such I don't have to be nervous or change who I am to be able to talk to Him. I close my eyes and He's there with me.
October 4, 2016
If we expect to receive, we must ask.
August 7, 2016
(This was from a Relief Society lesson that came at the perfect time. I was overwhelmed with the relatively new information that my husband had left the church and I felt hopeless)
To be happier:
1. Perspective - Keep a pebble as a pebble.
2. Learn from others.
3. Be grateful - focus on what you have.
4. Compensatory blessings - when we lack in one area He gives more in other areas. I can have an extra measure of the spirit which is awesome!
5. Creativity - being creative will help you enjoy life.
6. Service
July 3, 2016
If I die... actually I don't want to post this one.
June 19 2016
What am I supposed to do when my husband so blatantly betrays me and follows his selfish desires over my righteous ones? I don't even know this person. He is do different from the man I married. I miss that man everyday. Every moment. I miss him. I mourn for him. I was careful in who I chose to marry.
Why did this happen? I hate this selfish person I'm stuck with. I am in constant turmoil in what is right and best for me and for my children. Oh how I want to go back in time.
May 2016
I have never felt so alone. I feel like my dreams are being taken away from me one by one. First I lose my eternal companion. Now he wants me to get a full time job (so he doesn't have to work), so I'll lose my time with my children. He's getting to be more and more selfish and self absorbed. My heart aches and I don't know what to do.
April 2016
The Savior has marks on His body that show His love for each one of us. Likewise, I, as a mother, have marks on my body that show my love for each one of my children.
April 3, 2016
There is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored. -Pres Uchtdorf
March 14, 2016
(This was within 2 week after he told me he left the church)
There are not answers to every hard question. Inconsistencies may be evidence of a man's character or poor judgement. The explanation may not be apparent yet, but we must have faith. We must trust God. Do not dwell in darkness when you can seek for light. In time, answers will come.
No comments:
Post a Comment