I have lost people.
My grandma died a couple years ago and I have actually felt a closeness to her since then. I remember one morning as I was waking up and preparing myself for the day, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from her. I could tell that she's looking out for me and still loves me from the other side of the veil. While I've always loved her, I was never particularly close with her. This was not a death that has effected my well-being. It's not something I had to come to terms with.
I have lost people much closer to me, in fact, I lost my closest person. I lost my husband. I truly think of this as a death, even though he didn't physically die. The closest example I have found to illustrate how it feels is from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. when a parasite comes and inhabits a body. When it takes over the body, it effectively kills the person who it now identifies as, while retaining all memories and knowledge. It looks the same, for the most part, but it is in fact a different creature all together. I felt like I was living with a different person, and it wasn't someone I would have chosen for a roommate.
I tried to endure our time together, and make the best of it. I tried to be a happy family for the sake of my children. I tried to accommodate him and his new character. But it was draining. It was work that I wasn't really invested in. I was no longer attracted to him because his spirit was different. I found myself daydreaming of a different life. With a wholly different person.
Then the guilt set in.
This was my husband. I covenanted with God to be loyal and faithful to him. Just because I didn't feel love for him in the same way I once had didn't mean I should give up. That I should leave him. So I endured. I forced myself to smile and carry on. I forced myself to proceed with life as though nothing had changed, even though everything had. I tried to talk with him. I continued to kiss him and be close with him. I'd leave him love notes. Even when I could only feel disgust and hate toward him, I would write down things I loved or admired about him. This was not an easy exercise, but it was a worthwhile one. I never received one back. He wouldn't push himself out of his own self absorbed mind to try to see the good in me. He did at one point share a journal entry he kept on his computer with me. It was about what he disliked about me. Goes to show that what you focus on becomes your reality. This might have even been a self-made reality for him, since what he put me through felt like Gaslighting.
When he finally asked me for a divorce, I was so ready that I eagerly agreed. I felt free. But his timing was terrible. He asked this a week before our five year anniversary, and a month before a family reunion that I had been looking forward to for the past couple years. It would be in Idaho (I had never been to Idaho) for the solar eclipse (I had never seen one in totality), so we agreed we would wait.
This reunion was a lot of fun. We all stayed in a beautiful cabin in a beautiful place. I was glad to get to spend that time with his family. Most of them didn't know our plans to divorce, but I considered it a goodbye. I was sad to lose this family. They were now my family, and I wasn't just losing a selfish husband, I was losing half of my family. And that was a hard reality to face. I loved them.
He didn't move out for another seven months or so after that. It was not an easy seven months. It was empty. It was full of birthdays and holidays. But I needed to feel more like myself again. I had gotten lost in the piles of shadows cluttering up my life. I went back to the Art World. It felt like home as I walked the streets of downtown Scottsdale, though I had never been before. I didn't care if I was alone, because I had Art. I was getting to know fellow artists through their work and their instagram accounts. I began making a lot of Art. Large oil paintings of desert landscapes. I had never done, or liked, paintings like these before, but it was therapeutically filling a hole in my battered heart.
I've been having a lot of grief counseling articles pop up in my news lately. I particularly liked this one. It talks about what we go through when someone dies, but I have been applying it to how I have felt while coping with losing people I care about from my life. I don't let people into my heart easily. I have a handful of people (outside my family) who I consider to be close and trusted friends. I think I recently lost one of them, which breaks my heart. I am reminded of my BFA Artist Statement:
I'm not grieving over losing my husband any more. It's frustrating having to deal with sharing custody, but I'm not experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, or depression any more, I feel I have reached acceptance in this area. I do feel like I may have some PTSD from what I've gone through.
For example, this last Sunday I went to a fireside by T.C. Christensen, a cinematographer, film director, and writer. He shared some clips from a movie coming out this weekend called, The Fighting Preacher. It looks really good. One of the clips was of the preachers wife, Rebecca, being attacked by a thick darkness that came with the lies and murmurings of those who were fighting against God. I was uncomfortable watching it. I felt suffocated and wanted to leave the room.
Obviously there are still scars and baggage that I need to work through. While I rely on the Lord to help me through my challenges, I need others to support me, too. Lucy Mack Smith said, "We must cherish one another, watch over one another, comfort one another, and gain instruction that we may all sit down in heaven together."
I really do believe that by enduring the difficult situations we are bound to find ourselves in, with faith and hope, we will be friends in Heaven, no matter the distance that may come between us in this life. This is a gift that was made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ. He loved us so much that He gave His life for us. He loves us so much that He died for each one of us. And He lives so that we can live with Him again, and all those we love. That's how we should love each other, willing to sacrifice all we have.
We've been talking about the two great commandments at church and institute lately. It's been bothering me that people just say it is to love God and others. We are commanded to love ourselves, too, as we love our neighbor. I thought I had to endure a loveless marriage to an atheist, but that's not what the Lord had in mind for me. I gave up my life for Him. The life I thought I wanted. I gave it up to follow the Lords plan for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need. He knows how to love me and how I need to love others.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an amazing talk about just that, How Do I Love Thee? It talks about how we can love fully, selflessly, and with kindness. In short, it is about having charity, which is the pure love of Christ.
My grandma died a couple years ago and I have actually felt a closeness to her since then. I remember one morning as I was waking up and preparing myself for the day, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from her. I could tell that she's looking out for me and still loves me from the other side of the veil. While I've always loved her, I was never particularly close with her. This was not a death that has effected my well-being. It's not something I had to come to terms with.
I have lost people much closer to me, in fact, I lost my closest person. I lost my husband. I truly think of this as a death, even though he didn't physically die. The closest example I have found to illustrate how it feels is from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. when a parasite comes and inhabits a body. When it takes over the body, it effectively kills the person who it now identifies as, while retaining all memories and knowledge. It looks the same, for the most part, but it is in fact a different creature all together. I felt like I was living with a different person, and it wasn't someone I would have chosen for a roommate.
I tried to endure our time together, and make the best of it. I tried to be a happy family for the sake of my children. I tried to accommodate him and his new character. But it was draining. It was work that I wasn't really invested in. I was no longer attracted to him because his spirit was different. I found myself daydreaming of a different life. With a wholly different person.
Then the guilt set in.
This was my husband. I covenanted with God to be loyal and faithful to him. Just because I didn't feel love for him in the same way I once had didn't mean I should give up. That I should leave him. So I endured. I forced myself to smile and carry on. I forced myself to proceed with life as though nothing had changed, even though everything had. I tried to talk with him. I continued to kiss him and be close with him. I'd leave him love notes. Even when I could only feel disgust and hate toward him, I would write down things I loved or admired about him. This was not an easy exercise, but it was a worthwhile one. I never received one back. He wouldn't push himself out of his own self absorbed mind to try to see the good in me. He did at one point share a journal entry he kept on his computer with me. It was about what he disliked about me. Goes to show that what you focus on becomes your reality. This might have even been a self-made reality for him, since what he put me through felt like Gaslighting.
When he finally asked me for a divorce, I was so ready that I eagerly agreed. I felt free. But his timing was terrible. He asked this a week before our five year anniversary, and a month before a family reunion that I had been looking forward to for the past couple years. It would be in Idaho (I had never been to Idaho) for the solar eclipse (I had never seen one in totality), so we agreed we would wait.
This reunion was a lot of fun. We all stayed in a beautiful cabin in a beautiful place. I was glad to get to spend that time with his family. Most of them didn't know our plans to divorce, but I considered it a goodbye. I was sad to lose this family. They were now my family, and I wasn't just losing a selfish husband, I was losing half of my family. And that was a hard reality to face. I loved them.
He didn't move out for another seven months or so after that. It was not an easy seven months. It was empty. It was full of birthdays and holidays. But I needed to feel more like myself again. I had gotten lost in the piles of shadows cluttering up my life. I went back to the Art World. It felt like home as I walked the streets of downtown Scottsdale, though I had never been before. I didn't care if I was alone, because I had Art. I was getting to know fellow artists through their work and their instagram accounts. I began making a lot of Art. Large oil paintings of desert landscapes. I had never done, or liked, paintings like these before, but it was therapeutically filling a hole in my battered heart.
 |
| "Homesick" |
One of the most influential things that has informed this body of work has been the seemingly bad things that have happened to me. The friends I have lost. The new situations I have found myself in. Friends are important to me. When I let someone into my life I let them into my heart and develop a relationship with them that I can’t imagine not having for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, friendships end. People leave. Move on. Go in other directions. Betray you. Sometimes you can’t help it. It hurts. The pain I have felt and the strength that comes from it is why I believe we will be friends in Heaven. In this show I want to express the importance I put on friendships and the anxiety I feel in meeting new people. Because what starts with anxiety can become something you cherish for eternity.
I'm not grieving over losing my husband any more. It's frustrating having to deal with sharing custody, but I'm not experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, or depression any more, I feel I have reached acceptance in this area. I do feel like I may have some PTSD from what I've gone through.
For example, this last Sunday I went to a fireside by T.C. Christensen, a cinematographer, film director, and writer. He shared some clips from a movie coming out this weekend called, The Fighting Preacher. It looks really good. One of the clips was of the preachers wife, Rebecca, being attacked by a thick darkness that came with the lies and murmurings of those who were fighting against God. I was uncomfortable watching it. I felt suffocated and wanted to leave the room.
Obviously there are still scars and baggage that I need to work through. While I rely on the Lord to help me through my challenges, I need others to support me, too. Lucy Mack Smith said, "We must cherish one another, watch over one another, comfort one another, and gain instruction that we may all sit down in heaven together."
I really do believe that by enduring the difficult situations we are bound to find ourselves in, with faith and hope, we will be friends in Heaven, no matter the distance that may come between us in this life. This is a gift that was made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ. He loved us so much that He gave His life for us. He loves us so much that He died for each one of us. And He lives so that we can live with Him again, and all those we love. That's how we should love each other, willing to sacrifice all we have.
We've been talking about the two great commandments at church and institute lately. It's been bothering me that people just say it is to love God and others. We are commanded to love ourselves, too, as we love our neighbor. I thought I had to endure a loveless marriage to an atheist, but that's not what the Lord had in mind for me. I gave up my life for Him. The life I thought I wanted. I gave it up to follow the Lords plan for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need. He knows how to love me and how I need to love others.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an amazing talk about just that, How Do I Love Thee? It talks about how we can love fully, selflessly, and with kindness. In short, it is about having charity, which is the pure love of Christ.
But actually watch that one, it's less than 3 minutes...
I used this video to pacify my frustrated children this morning on the way to school. It worked. Of course it worked. It brought the love of Christ into our car. But it also softened my heart. I was holding on to anger because someone I thought was one of my best friends has recently cut me out of his life. It seems he has gone out of his way to avoid me and has changed his behavior and surprised me by his lack of compassion toward me. I was determined to embrace our disconnect, to show him I don't need his friendship as much as he doesn't want mine.
But that is not Christlike.
This video made me ask myself, how can I show my friend that I am and will be his friend? Things changed because of my actions. But I acted because the Lord directed me, thus, it is the Lords will. I have rethought my determination and have decided to exercise charity. I hope we can regain our friendship, nevertheless, I will endure whatever outcome with compassion.
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