I had the opportunity to have a discussion with a few friends and the missionaries last night. We decided to read a chapter in the Book of Mormon. Through this experience I was able to feel the Lord's love and awareness for me.
This week has been really hard. I've been sad and disappointed, and have had worries on my mind that were specifically addressed in the the words of the scriptures and by the Spirit in the room. Feelings of comfort and peace came to my heart, which enabled me to actually get some sleep last night!
One of the verses we stopped to discuss was Moroni 7:19, which says, "that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ."
One of the sisters stopped us and asked, "What does it look like to search diligently in the light of Christ?" I understood where the emphasis was in her question, but I shared my answer with the emphasis on Christ. We all have questions, or have had, or will have, and therefore, we all will experience what it is to search for answers. My point is that it matters where we look.
We can't find light if we're looking in darkness.
When Austin lost his testimony -- or rather, when he put it down, since it was a choice he made. He didn't misplace it or have it stolen, but he decided that he didn't want to hold on to it any longer -- he searched for answers in new and different places. One of these was a youtube channel by an atheist who interviewed people he met on the street, of any faith, about what they believed. When Austin would show me some of these episodes I felt that the host was trying to plant doubt in their minds. Whether it was a woman who felt God's love when a bird would come, or a man who understood that there's a higher power or force in the universe, or even those who believe in multiple gods.
To me, these all testify of God. That there is a God. Other religions or people understand or interpret it differently because they may not know what to call it. I think of the Articles of Faith. 1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I trust the Lord and believe in Him. I am constantly turning to Him for answers. Austin, however, turned to an atheist for answers. While he considered other beliefs, like becoming Buddhist, in the end, he settled on being atheist. Which is the source he turned to for answers.
In times of darkness, I turned to God. I turned to the light of Christ. I never stopped praying for help and answers. And I continued to search the scriptures. When Austin would share the anti-mormon or atheist stuff with me, I could feel a darkness creep in. It was like he would leave a wake of shadows behind him. I could even see a difference in his countenance. There was no longer light in his eyes, but then, that had left the moment he turned off the light switch of belief.
I remember coming home from work. Tensions were high, and I felt nervous going home. As I would open the door and walk inside, the very air felt heavy. It was like going into a battle ground, having to trudge through spiritual debris. I never knew what I was going to get, if it was more information about why the church must not be true or if it was contempt because I got home just before the girls were asleep. In which case, they were always excited I was home and wanted to hug me. This would make him so mad. I think he was jealous because they were never as excited when he came home. Sometimes I would try to sneak in and be super quiet so none of them would know I was there. But it broke my heart because all I wanted to do was hold my little angels and be welcomed home.
Every day he would drop shadows around me by telling me the things he learned on the internet.
"Oh, did you hear about... well, you probably don't want me to tell you this..."
"What?" I'd say, helplessly. Trying to keep conversation with my husband open, but not really wanting to discuss what he found.
He'd then tell me about a scandal by a mission president or an ex-mormon who used to be a stake president. He would try to convince me the church wasn't true by telling me about all kinds of things from gay right issues to how he thinks tithing is done wrong. There was always something to complain about. There was always hate to spread. None of this convinced me the gospel wasn't true. It did show me that people can make bad choices. Even people who seem infallible can make mistakes. I can recognize that nobody's perfect and that we're all human. I believe that God's ways and understandings are higher than mine and that I don't have all the answers to the questions posed, but God does, and I trust Him.
Isaiah 55
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
There's a sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Bernini, called The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa. It's beautiful with delicate features. When I learned about it in my art history class with Brother Gough I was impressed with how powerfully it conveys emotion. The word ecstasy means to experience both pleasure and pain simultaneously.
The sculpture depicts a vision St. Teresa had and recorded in an autobiography. She says an angel appeared and was holding a golden spear with glowing fire at the end of it. He then thrust the spear into her heart, causing excruciating pain, but upon removal there is left a great love of God. She said that the sweetness of that love couldn't allow her to wish the pain away. Because the pain was now spiritual.
What pain do we go through to know God better? To feel His love for us? Surely, we are not pierced in the heart repeatedly with a red hot spear, but we may be pierced in the heart in other ways, leaving a burning in us to do the Lords will.
This week has been really hard. I've been sad and disappointed, and have had worries on my mind that were specifically addressed in the the words of the scriptures and by the Spirit in the room. Feelings of comfort and peace came to my heart, which enabled me to actually get some sleep last night!
One of the verses we stopped to discuss was Moroni 7:19, which says, "that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ."
One of the sisters stopped us and asked, "What does it look like to search diligently in the light of Christ?" I understood where the emphasis was in her question, but I shared my answer with the emphasis on Christ. We all have questions, or have had, or will have, and therefore, we all will experience what it is to search for answers. My point is that it matters where we look.
We can't find light if we're looking in darkness.
To me, these all testify of God. That there is a God. Other religions or people understand or interpret it differently because they may not know what to call it. I think of the Articles of Faith. 1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I trust the Lord and believe in Him. I am constantly turning to Him for answers. Austin, however, turned to an atheist for answers. While he considered other beliefs, like becoming Buddhist, in the end, he settled on being atheist. Which is the source he turned to for answers.
In times of darkness, I turned to God. I turned to the light of Christ. I never stopped praying for help and answers. And I continued to search the scriptures. When Austin would share the anti-mormon or atheist stuff with me, I could feel a darkness creep in. It was like he would leave a wake of shadows behind him. I could even see a difference in his countenance. There was no longer light in his eyes, but then, that had left the moment he turned off the light switch of belief.
I remember coming home from work. Tensions were high, and I felt nervous going home. As I would open the door and walk inside, the very air felt heavy. It was like going into a battle ground, having to trudge through spiritual debris. I never knew what I was going to get, if it was more information about why the church must not be true or if it was contempt because I got home just before the girls were asleep. In which case, they were always excited I was home and wanted to hug me. This would make him so mad. I think he was jealous because they were never as excited when he came home. Sometimes I would try to sneak in and be super quiet so none of them would know I was there. But it broke my heart because all I wanted to do was hold my little angels and be welcomed home.
Every day he would drop shadows around me by telling me the things he learned on the internet.
"Oh, did you hear about... well, you probably don't want me to tell you this..."
"What?" I'd say, helplessly. Trying to keep conversation with my husband open, but not really wanting to discuss what he found.
He'd then tell me about a scandal by a mission president or an ex-mormon who used to be a stake president. He would try to convince me the church wasn't true by telling me about all kinds of things from gay right issues to how he thinks tithing is done wrong. There was always something to complain about. There was always hate to spread. None of this convinced me the gospel wasn't true. It did show me that people can make bad choices. Even people who seem infallible can make mistakes. I can recognize that nobody's perfect and that we're all human. I believe that God's ways and understandings are higher than mine and that I don't have all the answers to the questions posed, but God does, and I trust Him.
Isaiah 55
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
There's a sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Bernini, called The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa. It's beautiful with delicate features. When I learned about it in my art history class with Brother Gough I was impressed with how powerfully it conveys emotion. The word ecstasy means to experience both pleasure and pain simultaneously.
The sculpture depicts a vision St. Teresa had and recorded in an autobiography. She says an angel appeared and was holding a golden spear with glowing fire at the end of it. He then thrust the spear into her heart, causing excruciating pain, but upon removal there is left a great love of God. She said that the sweetness of that love couldn't allow her to wish the pain away. Because the pain was now spiritual.
I have been feeling a pain in my heart this week. But I know it is in part because I followed the Lord's commands, and therefore, I feel great joy and I wouldn't change that. It's my own personal ecstasy. I want the Lord to know He can count on me no matter how hard it is for me. Because anything worth having or doing doesn't come easily. It comes with hard work. Tears. Sweat. Courage. Prayer. Trust. And help from the one who loves us most, our Father in Heaven.
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