"You are alone" Satan tells me this all the time.
I feel like this is where satan hits me the hardest. I actually don't remember hearing this when I was going through my lowest point. When I was married to someone who had been my best friend, but had become as distant as a stranger. After he told me he didn't have a testimony any more and to not hope for him I fell into a depression. I felt alone, and knew that I was. Austin had his exmo (ex-mormon) community on reddit that he could talk to about what he was feeling and experiencing. He no longer needed or wanted me or God. I had no one.
There wasn't an exmoso (ex-mormon significant others) group on reddit, trust me, I checked. I almost started one myself, but didn't know how to find the other group members. I didn't know anyone else who was going through what I was going through and it was SO HARD. I was suffering silently. I could relate to the widows in the ward, but didn't look like one from the outside. I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I felt more alone than I ever had. I felt like one of P.T. Barnums 'freaks'. I would say things that one friend finally picked up on and she pried her way in to my secretly dark life. I will forever be grateful for her!
Soon enough I was able to get divorced and the massive burden was lifted from my exhausted and aching shoulders. I was now allowed to speak about what I had gone through, or at least some of it. I still haven't shared everything, even with my closest person (Becky).
I finally felt free and light again.
The first time I recognized hearing satan's lie, "you are alone" was during Henry Ammars talk, back in February, when I was sitting with my friends. But it has happened since then, too. In fact, it happened as recently as two days ago. I was sitting in a room filled with my friends watching a movie. I felt a shrinking feeling and thought, "I'm alone." I couldn't take it any longer and had to leave the room. I had only had maybe two hours of sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about a boy I have feelings for, I was thinking about a show I watch with my best friend, I was thinking about work. I actually got up to draw some pictures and create a couple handouts for a class I hate teaching. And now it's causing me to lose sleep?! I wont be teaching this class again.
Anyway, my point is that I was severely sleep deprived and over-worked. My mind was weak and it believed the lie this time. So I left the room to cry in the bathroom. Once I was able to compose myself I returned and finished watching the movie, but when I left the activity I had another breakdown in my car and realized something. I am mourning a breakup that hasn't happened yet. While crying on the phone to my sister, she assured me that my feelings are valid, told me to go home, listen to a meditation track, and get some sleep. It worked. I was able to sleep and get to work on time the next morning.
While I enjoy my Saturday classes, I was looking forward to getting done with work so I could go to the temple! For some much needed spiritual rest. This week has been a draining one and I kept thinking, "Get to the temple!" Because I don't have my kids on Friday or Saturday, I will usually go to the temple, unless I have a date, an appointment, or an activity. So it was my plan all week to go on Saturday afternoon.
Unfortunately, I was experiencing dizzy spells all day. While teaching my first class (sitting down), my second class (standing and teaching about knife safety), on the way home (driving), and I even fell against my wall when I was walking to my bedroom. I thought to myself, I need to lay down for a minute before I can go to the temple. But the room didn't stop moving and I realized something was wrong. That I was not okay. I felt serious vertigo even while laying down, and couldn't turn my head without everything sloshing around me. I did get a blessing. I didn't get to go to the temple because I wasn't able to drive myself there. And even if someone had taken me, I might have passed out while there. So I had to rest. And I was angry about it.
I have learned I MUST take care of myself. This means I need to get enough sleep, attend the temple regularly, drink enough water, exercise regularly, and fill my mind with good. And sometimes I have to adjust my plan to the Lord's plan for me.
When I finally stopped feeling so dizzy I was able to go to a swim party I had mixed feelings about. I had been looking forward to it for the most part, but I also wanted to stay home and be alone and not see anyone, especially the person I wanted to see most. I know it doesn't make sense.
In the end, I had a wonderful time. And I'm glad I went.
My daughter will draw cute pictures and then sometimes she adds wind to it. Which means scribbling all over it with the same pen she used to draw the good stuff. It makes me wonder about how we lose ourselves in the storms of our lives.
If I hadn't pushed through the dark feelings I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the light and realize that
I AM NOT ALONE! and neither are you.
I feel like this is where satan hits me the hardest. I actually don't remember hearing this when I was going through my lowest point. When I was married to someone who had been my best friend, but had become as distant as a stranger. After he told me he didn't have a testimony any more and to not hope for him I fell into a depression. I felt alone, and knew that I was. Austin had his exmo (ex-mormon) community on reddit that he could talk to about what he was feeling and experiencing. He no longer needed or wanted me or God. I had no one.
There wasn't an exmoso (ex-mormon significant others) group on reddit, trust me, I checked. I almost started one myself, but didn't know how to find the other group members. I didn't know anyone else who was going through what I was going through and it was SO HARD. I was suffering silently. I could relate to the widows in the ward, but didn't look like one from the outside. I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I felt more alone than I ever had. I felt like one of P.T. Barnums 'freaks'. I would say things that one friend finally picked up on and she pried her way in to my secretly dark life. I will forever be grateful for her!
Soon enough I was able to get divorced and the massive burden was lifted from my exhausted and aching shoulders. I was now allowed to speak about what I had gone through, or at least some of it. I still haven't shared everything, even with my closest person (Becky).
I finally felt free and light again.
The first time I recognized hearing satan's lie, "you are alone" was during Henry Ammars talk, back in February, when I was sitting with my friends. But it has happened since then, too. In fact, it happened as recently as two days ago. I was sitting in a room filled with my friends watching a movie. I felt a shrinking feeling and thought, "I'm alone." I couldn't take it any longer and had to leave the room. I had only had maybe two hours of sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about a boy I have feelings for, I was thinking about a show I watch with my best friend, I was thinking about work. I actually got up to draw some pictures and create a couple handouts for a class I hate teaching. And now it's causing me to lose sleep?! I wont be teaching this class again.
Anyway, my point is that I was severely sleep deprived and over-worked. My mind was weak and it believed the lie this time. So I left the room to cry in the bathroom. Once I was able to compose myself I returned and finished watching the movie, but when I left the activity I had another breakdown in my car and realized something. I am mourning a breakup that hasn't happened yet. While crying on the phone to my sister, she assured me that my feelings are valid, told me to go home, listen to a meditation track, and get some sleep. It worked. I was able to sleep and get to work on time the next morning.
While I enjoy my Saturday classes, I was looking forward to getting done with work so I could go to the temple! For some much needed spiritual rest. This week has been a draining one and I kept thinking, "Get to the temple!" Because I don't have my kids on Friday or Saturday, I will usually go to the temple, unless I have a date, an appointment, or an activity. So it was my plan all week to go on Saturday afternoon.
Unfortunately, I was experiencing dizzy spells all day. While teaching my first class (sitting down), my second class (standing and teaching about knife safety), on the way home (driving), and I even fell against my wall when I was walking to my bedroom. I thought to myself, I need to lay down for a minute before I can go to the temple. But the room didn't stop moving and I realized something was wrong. That I was not okay. I felt serious vertigo even while laying down, and couldn't turn my head without everything sloshing around me. I did get a blessing. I didn't get to go to the temple because I wasn't able to drive myself there. And even if someone had taken me, I might have passed out while there. So I had to rest. And I was angry about it.
I have learned I MUST take care of myself. This means I need to get enough sleep, attend the temple regularly, drink enough water, exercise regularly, and fill my mind with good. And sometimes I have to adjust my plan to the Lord's plan for me.
When I finally stopped feeling so dizzy I was able to go to a swim party I had mixed feelings about. I had been looking forward to it for the most part, but I also wanted to stay home and be alone and not see anyone, especially the person I wanted to see most. I know it doesn't make sense.
In the end, I had a wonderful time. And I'm glad I went.
My daughter will draw cute pictures and then sometimes she adds wind to it. Which means scribbling all over it with the same pen she used to draw the good stuff. It makes me wonder about how we lose ourselves in the storms of our lives.
If I hadn't pushed through the dark feelings I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the light and realize that
I AM NOT ALONE! and neither are you.
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