Satan has been working on me a lot lately. Back in February I went to a conference and heard Henry Ammar speak. He was amazing. But toward the end of his talk I heard a clear voice in my mind tell me, "You are alone." I had been having a full, fun, friend-filled weekend (I love alliteration, don't you?). I was sitting in the middle of a group of friends. But I thought, "yeah, I am alone." I could see myself laying in my bed that night all alone in my empty house. I felt hallow. I began swirling into a wallowing drain of misery when a light appeared in front of my eyes. The actual room got brighter. And I realized, "I'm not alone!" I have friends on both sides of me, I have kids who freaking adore me, and I have a supportive family. Most importantly, I have a Savior who is by my side always.
After his talk, I had the impression that I needed to go give him a hug. I don't usually do this, and it was not because he's an attractive, successful, and full of faith mid-single. I brushed it off and we went to find the refreshments. But this thought kept nagging at me. So I told my friends about it and we decided to go get in line to talk with him, and so that I could give him a hug. I don't think he hugs everyone but that was the first thing he did when it was our turn. He hugged me. And then he did it again in the middle of our conversation, and again after we spoke and were saying goodbye. I'm not sure who needed the hug, if it was him or me, but I'm grateful that he lives his life so close to the Lord that he acts on promptings immediately. He lives his life being vulnerable. And look where it's gotten him!
I share this story because it illustrates what I'm going through so perfectly. I felt vulnerable when I was prompted to go hug him. I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. I needed to learn to embrace vulnerability (no pun intended).
This was also the first time I called out satan. I recognized that it was him who told me I was alone and I pushed back. Naively, I thought I had conquered that trial, like, suck it, satan, what else you got? But he's come back at me with this same thing over and over again in the past several months.
He's sneaky about it, too. Throwing the same feelings and message at me from different angles. The hateful self-talk he plants in my mind runs wild from small things to big things like:
"You're alone."
"You don't have your kids"
"Your husband didn't want you."
"No one has ever wanted you."
"You've never had a successful relationship."
"Your sisters are moving forward without you."
"You are forgotten."
"No one has ever really loved you."
"No one would notice or care if you weren't there."
I have felt some relief from these messages for the past month or so since I received a blessing. This was one of the best blessings I've ever had. There were lots of things weighing me down, and I didn't tell him about my personal demons because it felt too vulnerable, but he addressed them specifically. I'm sure without even realizing it. He said that the Lord would protect me spiritually. This is something I pray for regularly, not usually for myself, but for my children, since they have to go into a spiritual battleground weekly. But it was a sacred thing to hear that reassuring message. I am just now realizing that it is not just protection from leaving the church or abandoning my God, but also from these lies that satan feeds me.
I'm annoyed that so much of my time right now is spent overanalyzing and thinking about relationships, but I think it's also important. I am shy by nature. It's hard for me to reach out to people. I worry about taking up too much of other peoples time with what I have to say. And I've heard that you are not supposed to dominate the conversation, if you want someone to like you (in any way). But sometimes this notion gets in my way. So lately I've been praying to be able to talk naturally with people without worrying about any of that.
Vulnerability is such an important part of this. We need to let ourselves feel vulnerable in order to progress. It's one of those necessities that i just love -- love to hate, that is. I've been trying extra hard lately to let myself be vulnerable, because I know I need to be if I want certain aspects of my life to change. But it is SO HARD!
Aspects like my love life. I am loyal. Even in liking guys (crushes). I've always tended to have long lasting feelings. When I love, I love with my whole heart. It's easy to hold back, because no one wants to get hurt. I've been hurt before. Like, my heart has been broken, and then crushed, and then thrown in a mortar pestle and ground down to dust. But somehow, miraculously, it has been mended, and hopefully it is stronger for the beating.
Now I am trying to be objective and rational about things, and really choose someone who measures up to my standards. I need someone who has the important qualities I'm looking for, and that includes the way they make me feel. Because of certain things that I've gone through, I need someone who will make me feel secure in their feelings for me. Right now that means pursuing me in dating. Later, that will mean more things like understanding my love languages. I never want to feel the way my ex-husband made me feel ever again. So I'm cautious.
Here's a funny story. I got my haircut a couple weeks ago. You know how they always try to make small talk? Well this time was no different:
Her: Is this your natural hair color?
Me: No, I like my hair brown, but my sister convinced me to go blonde for the summer.
Her: How long have you been dying your hair?
Me: Since my divorce was final in October.
Her: Oh, so are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, not really.
Her: Do you ever use online dating?
Me: Uh, I've tried a dating app, but I kind of hate it. I don't think it's for me.
Her: Oh, yeah, you can meet some pretty weird people on there.
Me: Exactly (examples)
Her: Well, do you ever go out?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like, to bars.
have a testimony and nourishes it daily
attend the temple regularly
pursue me
be super smart
never look at his phone while in my company
take pictures of us together
take pictures of me with my children
I know no one is perfect. But I want someone who will work along side me to become perfect together. To be perfected in Christ.
After his talk, I had the impression that I needed to go give him a hug. I don't usually do this, and it was not because he's an attractive, successful, and full of faith mid-single. I brushed it off and we went to find the refreshments. But this thought kept nagging at me. So I told my friends about it and we decided to go get in line to talk with him, and so that I could give him a hug. I don't think he hugs everyone but that was the first thing he did when it was our turn. He hugged me. And then he did it again in the middle of our conversation, and again after we spoke and were saying goodbye. I'm not sure who needed the hug, if it was him or me, but I'm grateful that he lives his life so close to the Lord that he acts on promptings immediately. He lives his life being vulnerable. And look where it's gotten him!
I share this story because it illustrates what I'm going through so perfectly. I felt vulnerable when I was prompted to go hug him. I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. I needed to learn to embrace vulnerability (no pun intended).
This was also the first time I called out satan. I recognized that it was him who told me I was alone and I pushed back. Naively, I thought I had conquered that trial, like, suck it, satan, what else you got? But he's come back at me with this same thing over and over again in the past several months.
He's sneaky about it, too. Throwing the same feelings and message at me from different angles. The hateful self-talk he plants in my mind runs wild from small things to big things like:
"You're alone."
"You don't have your kids"
"Your husband didn't want you."
"No one has ever wanted you."
"You've never had a successful relationship."
"Your sisters are moving forward without you."
"You are forgotten."
"No one has ever really loved you."
"No one would notice or care if you weren't there."
I'm annoyed that so much of my time right now is spent overanalyzing and thinking about relationships, but I think it's also important. I am shy by nature. It's hard for me to reach out to people. I worry about taking up too much of other peoples time with what I have to say. And I've heard that you are not supposed to dominate the conversation, if you want someone to like you (in any way). But sometimes this notion gets in my way. So lately I've been praying to be able to talk naturally with people without worrying about any of that.
Vulnerability is such an important part of this. We need to let ourselves feel vulnerable in order to progress. It's one of those necessities that i just love -- love to hate, that is. I've been trying extra hard lately to let myself be vulnerable, because I know I need to be if I want certain aspects of my life to change. But it is SO HARD!
Aspects like my love life. I am loyal. Even in liking guys (crushes). I've always tended to have long lasting feelings. When I love, I love with my whole heart. It's easy to hold back, because no one wants to get hurt. I've been hurt before. Like, my heart has been broken, and then crushed, and then thrown in a mortar pestle and ground down to dust. But somehow, miraculously, it has been mended, and hopefully it is stronger for the beating.
Now I am trying to be objective and rational about things, and really choose someone who measures up to my standards. I need someone who has the important qualities I'm looking for, and that includes the way they make me feel. Because of certain things that I've gone through, I need someone who will make me feel secure in their feelings for me. Right now that means pursuing me in dating. Later, that will mean more things like understanding my love languages. I never want to feel the way my ex-husband made me feel ever again. So I'm cautious.
Here's a funny story. I got my haircut a couple weeks ago. You know how they always try to make small talk? Well this time was no different:
Her: Is this your natural hair color?
Me: No, I like my hair brown, but my sister convinced me to go blonde for the summer.
Her: How long have you been dying your hair?
Me: Since my divorce was final in October.
Her: Oh, so are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, not really.
Her: Do you ever use online dating?
Me: Uh, I've tried a dating app, but I kind of hate it. I don't think it's for me.
Her: Oh, yeah, you can meet some pretty weird people on there.
Me: Exactly (examples)
Her: Well, do you ever go out?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like, to bars.
Me: No.
Her: Oh.
Her: Oh.
Me: (awkward silence)
Her: So what do you look for in a guy?
Her: So what do you look for in a guy?
Me: Um... (my usual answer is a testimony) I like smart guys who can have intelligent conversations. And I like guys who like to play games and have fun.
Her: Oh, I love playing games!
Her: Oh, I love playing games!
The conversation continued, but I realized later that she was probably wondering how the heck I expect to meet people! I guess I could have told her, "Well, I love Jesus! And I really just want a guy who loves Jesus as much as I love Jesus!!" She would have thought I was a southern baptist or something. I guess I could have told her that I meet people at church, because that's where the people who love Jesus are!
Her questions got me thinking and I thought it would be fun to write it down. If I were to design a perfect guy for me he would:
attend the temple regularly
pursue me
be super smart
never look at his phone while in my company
take pictures of us together
take pictures of me with my children
have a career
love learning
be kind
take me dancing
go hiking with me (oh how I miss hiking)
not have an addiction
never seek out anti stuff
let himself be vulnerable
let himself be vulnerable
love to travel
have money to travel
write me notes
reassure me
praise me
love me
be a foodie
get along with my family (at least as well as I do)
be ready to give me or my children a blessing at any time
not be scared off by my baggage or the fact that I'm divorced
want more children with me
be ready to give me or my children a blessing at any time
not be scared off by my baggage or the fact that I'm divorced
want more children with me
be taller than me
not be too tall
not be too tall
really, really LOVE Jesus
I'm sure I could add to this list, and at the same time subtract from it. Sure, maybe not everything is reasonable. And lacking a couple would certainly not be a deal-breaker. Mostly, I think I have these qualities, and I am worthy of having someone who will reciprocate. Additionally, my top love languages are quality time and physical touch. So I would want someone who could fulfill my needs in those areas.
I know no one is perfect. But I want someone who will work along side me to become perfect together. To be perfected in Christ.
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