Jesus Loves Me

As I was driving to church today I was thinking about the questions I don't have answers to. I was trying to dissect my feelings and figure out the Lords plan for me. We sang Where Can I Turn for Peace? for the opening hymn in Sacrament meeting. I related so much to this song today. It quieted my restless needing to know what I cannot and it brought me peace. I like to think about all the Savior has done for me during the sacrament. It's a quiet time I have every week to honor His atoning sacrifice. I like to help focus my kids minds on Him during this time, too. I will lean over and whisper in their ear, "Guess what. Jesus loves you!" Sometimes we talk a little more about Him and how they know He loves them, and how they show their love for Him. I missed whispering that today because I got to go to my mid-singles ward. But we had a special musical number first thing after the ordinance and in the song, Gethsemane, it says, "Jesus loves me." I thought that was a powerful thing to declare. I focus on helping others know that Jesus loves them, and I talk about how much I love Jesus, but I don't know the last time I declared, "Jesus loves ME." But He does. I know He does.

I sat alone during this meeting. I feel like I am supposed to get comfortable being alone. Sitting alone in church, and in life, I look at other people who seem to be comfortable and confident in being alone. I think to myself, just act like them and no one will know you are lava on the inside. I realize no one is looking at me, thinking, she has no friends, or something, but I still feel self conscious and want to disappear. I am the kind of person who likes to have a friend or two by my side, and when I do, I am comfortable and happy. 

It's strange to me when I hear people talk about how they want to stand out. They do things to be seen, like wear something glitzy, post personal things publicly on social media, or even perform a musical number in hopes to get noticed. They enjoy being the center of attention because they think it will get them a date. I know multiple people like this. I don't relate. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. I feel like I'm the opposite, I look for ways I can blend in and not be noticed. It seems to me that if you can get to know someone without that extra stuff it would make for a more genuine and sincere connection. And a more honest and intimate relationship. 

I know this is a public blog, but I'm not posting to get attention, sympathy, or a date. I also think it's more private to post here. If someone wants to scroll past (which I imagine most people do) that's fine. If someone wants to get to know me better or if they already care about me (my mom) then they can click in. But mostly, I post for two reasons. First, because I cannot keep it in, and second, because I hope and believe it can help someone else.

Relief Society was also good today. The lesson was on the same talk I happened to listen to this morning, Look unto Jesus Christ, by Elder Kim B. Clark.

In this talk he tells the story of the woman with the issue of blood. She had so much faith in Jesus Christ's healing power that she knew that if she could just touch the hem of His garment she could be healed. The scriptures say that Jesus perceived that power had gone out of Him and He asked who touched Him. I would like to point out that He knew who had touched Him. She didn't want to be noticed, she didn't even want to be acknowledged or recognized by Christ. But He knew her and loved her! She couldn't realize her significance or worth to the Lord, but He did. She spoke up and He blessed her for it, saying, “Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.” He needed her to come to Him so He could fully bless her.

It was a lovely day at church, but my spiritual enrichment for the day did not end there. I had the last performance of Joseph Smith the Prophet tonight. I'm so grateful to have been part of this concert. Music is such a beautiful and powerful way to gently touch our souls and teach us truths. It reminded me of something Joseph Smith said, "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it." This phrase went through my mind countless times while I was being challenged and pushed to my limits during the darkest hours of my life.

When I was married to someone who was against my beliefs, and therefore against me, I woke up every day and chose to believe. It was not always easy. I sometimes thought, it would be so much easier if I just let go. But then I would think about it and that phrase would enter my mind. I have witnessed miracles, from small to significant. I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually healed through priesthood blessings. I have born children and felt the miracle that is bringing life into the world! I have felt the hand of God directing me in my life, and I have been to the temple. I know what I know is true. I know there is a God who knows me and loves me. I knew it then and I know it now. And I cannot and will not deny it.

Today I felt known by the Lord. I could feel that He is aware of me. There were lots of tender mercies that repeated thoughts I was having, answered question, or comforted my soul. I know He is there and I believe that He loves me.