Amelia has been playing this game where she practices not listening to me at all. She has mastered turning the hearing part of her ears off as easily as closing her eyes to not see. And since she doesn't hear me, she doesn't obeying. Obedience really does show love. It's insanely frustrating.
It wouldn't be so bad if it were just sometimes, but it's literally all the time. With me. She listens to other people. It makes me feel like she hates me. It's not just that it's disrespectful, but it instills fear in my heart. There is a lot of differing and contradictory information that people she should be able to trust are going to tell her. I want her to learn to listen to me now.
But when she doesn't I feel hopeless and that spirals quickly.
Loneliness sets into my heart and I lose the sense or desire to go on. It's like a dark cloud in my mind. My medication helps a lot with this, but it's not gone completely. Sometime it gets heavy and has to rain tears of frustration, irritable sadness, and pain.
The day my ex-husband moved out was the first day I stopped feeling the loneliest I've ever felt. It was because hope filled my heart. I didn't know who or what would enter my life, and at first I wasn't picky, I had no expectations.
But over the two years I've been single again I have learned more of what I want and need in my life and in a partner. I have resolved to not settle for less that what I truly deserve. Even if that means waiting my whole life, giving up on the last of my dreams and letting go of the plans I had for myself, all so that I can submit fully to what God has planned for me.
And He led me to Trevor.
Trevor so willingly and insistently gives me what I really want. He doesn't let me let go of hope. He see what I need and steps up to help. He builds me up and sees the good in me even when I can't.
So tonight, after a very long couple of weeks of not getting to see him very much due to sickness and other obligations, I had a little breakdown. Negative thoughts and emotions have been attacking me, even in the forms of dreams. Satan keeps telling me I don't deserve happiness and that I make the lives of the people around me worse.
I need extra spiritual strength. I would normally go to the temple, but that has been closed. So guess what I'm left with. Yep, the primary answers.
I also read a book called God Loves You to my kids tonight and it actually made me feel a little better.
It wouldn't be so bad if it were just sometimes, but it's literally all the time. With me. She listens to other people. It makes me feel like she hates me. It's not just that it's disrespectful, but it instills fear in my heart. There is a lot of differing and contradictory information that people she should be able to trust are going to tell her. I want her to learn to listen to me now.
But when she doesn't I feel hopeless and that spirals quickly.
Loneliness sets into my heart and I lose the sense or desire to go on. It's like a dark cloud in my mind. My medication helps a lot with this, but it's not gone completely. Sometime it gets heavy and has to rain tears of frustration, irritable sadness, and pain.
The day my ex-husband moved out was the first day I stopped feeling the loneliest I've ever felt. It was because hope filled my heart. I didn't know who or what would enter my life, and at first I wasn't picky, I had no expectations.
But over the two years I've been single again I have learned more of what I want and need in my life and in a partner. I have resolved to not settle for less that what I truly deserve. Even if that means waiting my whole life, giving up on the last of my dreams and letting go of the plans I had for myself, all so that I can submit fully to what God has planned for me.
And He led me to Trevor.
Trevor so willingly and insistently gives me what I really want. He doesn't let me let go of hope. He see what I need and steps up to help. He builds me up and sees the good in me even when I can't.
So tonight, after a very long couple of weeks of not getting to see him very much due to sickness and other obligations, I had a little breakdown. Negative thoughts and emotions have been attacking me, even in the forms of dreams. Satan keeps telling me I don't deserve happiness and that I make the lives of the people around me worse.
I need extra spiritual strength. I would normally go to the temple, but that has been closed. So guess what I'm left with. Yep, the primary answers.
I also read a book called God Loves You to my kids tonight and it actually made me feel a little better.
Lisa, I am sorry you often feel so lonely and covid-19 is not helping with that. You do deserve happiness. You do have a Heavenly Father that love you individually and will do anything He can to improve your existence.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your daughter. Have you tried talking with her like you would a friend that was treating you the same way. Tell her exactly how you feel and open up about your worries. She might have something she is willing to tell you about why she is doing it after you make yourself vulnerable to her first.