Wishes

The other day I went shopping with my mom. This has become a bonding time for us and I love it. We get to hang out and talk and share hopes and dreams along with disappointments and frustrations. This time after we pulled in to the driveway and got a load of bags from the back, I joked with her about my living arrangement because it is impossible to make only one trip as I am accustomed. The front entrance to my walkway is pretty narrow and hard to fit through, especially with arm-loads of bags. It led to a pretty funny conversation that I'll share with you.

"I wish we were rich so that my side yard could be bigger and you could have more space."
I laughed and said, "That's what you wish for?! If you are going to wish for something you should wish that Austin never left the church! or that Matt would have just married me! Wish that David would ask me out on a date, already!"
"I wish ALL of those things!" She replied, "and MORE!"
"Well you can't wish them all, you have to choose one."
"No, I wish Matt would have married you and that Austin never left the church!"

"Oh, yes. That would have been good. And then it would just be really awkward if David asked me out."

We laughed about it briefly and moved on. After thinking about it again, I realize all of the wishes I suggested had to do with men. I had thought about suggesting wishes that she had a mother-in-law basement where we could live more comfortably. Or for me to find great success in my art career and be able to afford a larger home with a yard and a view. Those were more practical and less comical, so I didn't say them. My list of wishes can go on and on, but in reality, I am grateful for what I have, and really wouldn't change much about my situation.

• I have friends who care about me.
• I am a child of God. 
• I have a firm testimony. 
• I know that God loves me and is aware of me.
• I can make others feel happy.
• I am smart and capable.
• I am beautiful.
• I am talented.
• I am strong.
• I can make good choices.
• I can express my feelings.
• I can do anything with Jesus who makes me STRONG! (adapted from Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me)

These are some of the affirmations that I say daily personally and with my children. They help us feel hope and happiness. They are more than wishes, they are attributes that we have and we need to remember. I want to become more like my Savior, and teach my children to do the same. In this, I find true happiness. 

I'm in no rush to find a husband. Yes, I want to love and be loved. I want to find someone I can trust and who will trust me. I want to spend my time with people who I can be myself around. 

I spent so much time during the last part of my marriage hiding who I was (both from my husband and from everyone else. I had to hide my worship and devout love for God at home because I didn't want to be attacked. And there is a shame put on us, wether it's real or not, for having trials and being different) and what I was going through, that I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to continue living a double life. Where during the week I'm a mom and on the weekends I'm a single lady. I don't want to have to keep those completely separate. I want to be able to be a single mom who can talk about her kids and about her friends any time I feel like it. I don't want to lose friends because I'm a mom. That's a big part of my life and it's important to me! And while it has shaped who I am, it doesn't completely define me. I am more than "just a mom" or "just a mid single" - I am both, and more!

If I can find someone who is not only okay with me being a mom, but who wants to jump in and be part of our family, as well as being a great companion to me, all while putting God first in all things, then I may consider moving forward with them. But I'm not looking to be rescued. I'm no damsel in distress. I'm a strong, confident woman, who is okay to go it alone for a little while. Because I'm not really alone, I've got my village of people and my God supporting me.

So yes, sometimes I wish life had turned out differently, but I am grateful not every desire, even a righteous desire, was answered or realized in the way I had wished. God has a plan for me. He has led my path, and with each step I take I can feel it is leading me back to Him.