Finally some clarity

The other night Trevor and I finally really talked about what happened and where we are now. We both cried a lot. He cried more than I did once he saw me tear up. I love that he has such a sensitive soul.

He said he was just scared and couldn't move forward. He couldn't move at all. He was frozen inside himself. Now he feels like it would be moving backward if we go back to dating but he's not ready to get married so it leaves us in limbo. I don't see it that way. We are both different people now. In different stages of our lives. I see it as starting a new relationship. I have specific boundaries in order to protect my kids. Like I don't really want to involve them until he's completely sober, with the exception of the helpful, stabilizing, prescribed medications. He's also starting a business and taking serious steps to being more responsible. It's about damn time. But he's grown up a lot since he's met me. 

In our conversation I told him about the touch I need to feel wanted (non-sexual touch like holding hands or just placing his hand on my leg or back), and that if I don't get it, I feel like he doesn't want me in his life. I know that's not true but for people who's love language is physical touch, that's just the way we perceive the world. He explained that he does want me in his life. It crushed him to hear that, but he doesn't want to be tempted to go too far, so he just doesn't touch me as much. Happily, he held my hands and held me close immediately.

This conversation brought a lot of clarity, but I still felt there was something he was keeping from me. I have been vigilant in checking for signs of drug use. He's been losing weight. His eyes seem farther apart. He gets agitated easily. The are excuses for most of these that make sense for the most part, but this is the area I can trust him to be untrustworthy. When he's sick, he makes excuses.

He's been telling me that he's messed up in the head. There are some codependency issues with his dad that I've known about through our whole relationship. He values his opinion over everything else. Not in a respectful, honor thy father and thy mother way, but in a way where he looks to his dad as if he were a prophet or a god. As if his dad knows the future. As if his dad is his savior.

In many ways this makes sense. Because of the things Trevor has been through, his dad has gone to extraordinary lengths to help him. Rehabs. Detox with lower doses. Opportunities galore. His dad treats him like a person, not a junkie. But then, I have also done all of those things. Except when I helped him detox I didn't give him a lower dose. He went cold turkey. It cost me my job. I Got him to rehab. I gave him CPR when he was unresponsive. I helped him get his teeth fixed. I helped him in so many ways. which is why I'm baffled as to why his parents don't like me. 

His mom never reached out to me when Trevor went dark. Not a, "I hope you're okay." Not a, "I'm so sorry this happened." And certainly not a, "I really wanted you to be my daughter in law." I had thought we were friends. I thought we were close. Her abandoning me was almost as hard as him doing it. It's still something I'm working through.

Trevor said that his parents really like this girl that he used to date like 10 years ago, but he's friends with her. He said his dad always asks about how she's doing. I don't care what friends he has. I trust him in that area, but the fact that he's getting this feedback from his dad, to go date her and not me. I feel betrayed. I always thought his dad was genuine, but he seems to be as fake as the girl I knew in college who called everyone "friend." So now, even though he loves me and wants to be with me, he has this impression that because his dad wants him to be with this other girl it will happen in the future. Even though there's no interest there on either side. I can get over a lot of things and I do really trust that he's faithful to me. But it hurts knowing his parents fake a smile when they see me.

I'm feeling a lot of things.

I am feeling grateful that he's being honest with me. That he finally opened up about what's been going on with him. It baffles my mind that his parents would rather hold him back than to encourage him to move forward and be happy. My goal is eternal salvation. It seems to me that they should want that for him.

It's been really hard and emotional, but also cathartic and healing and has brought a lot of clarity to my mind and comfort to my heart. He keeps telling me he wants me in his life but he has to figure out the attachment issues between him and his dad. So I guess I have to keep being patient with him. And I'm okay with that, so long as he keeps being honest with me.

If he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t have felt the need to be open and honest. That took a lot of courage. He confides so much in me, more than anyone else in his life. I'm his rock and he obviously doesn’t see that with anyone else. I know he loves his parents, but he needs to get to a point where he trusts himself and they need to support him in that and let him go so he can progress in life and have a family of his own.