I got a lot of feedback on my last blog post. People are saying that it was really sad. I guess it was sad but that wasn't my intention. I shared things that I've been through because I feel like God has directed me to do so. I hate every little bit of sharing this much about myself and my life. It makes me cringe. I feel like the skin is actually peeling away from my body, exposing me to the core. It's unbelievably vulnerable and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
I know I've shared a lot of the hard times I had with my ex-husband, but there were a lot of good times mixed in there, too. Especially the first few years. We enjoyed adventures, hikes, the temple, growing our family, and each others company. We supported each other in our goals and ambitions. We had fun together, we comforted one another and we made each other laugh. We both had dads who worked out of town and that was something neither of us wanted. We just wanted to spend as much time together as possible. We were so happy and made the other a priority.
I told Becky that I didn't feel so much "sad" about all of this stuff, just more like I'm showing everyone how broken I am -- that's not attractive. Hey everyone, look at all the hard things that I've been through and how they've affected me. Go ahead and run now, it's cool. She pointed out that there's still something wrong with my viewpoint because I perceive myself as being "broken" and I am not. She says the fact that I have overcome all of these challenges and trials proves that I am strong. That I'm a survivor. She lifted me by showing me that through being vulnerable and honest I can connect to more people on a deeper level. I have seen that this is true through writing and sharing my story.
Becky asked me what I like about Henry Ammar. He's honest and open, and mostly, he relies on the Lord and is sure of His guiding hand. I also thought of what I like about Kristina Kuzmic. She lays out the ugly and makes it beautiful. She brings light into a dark place. That's ultimately what I want to do.
I'm sharing my story because people don't know what I've been through. I don't think you would expect me to have gone through so many hard things in my life. In college one of my first roommates was a sweet girl but we weren't close. She had depression and she was on medication for it. She told me once that I couldn't understand how hard life is because I had never gone through anything hard. She didn't know me. She didn't know what I'd already gone through. She didn't know how hard my life had already been, even as a sophomore in college.
I decided to be happy. That's a choice I get to make everyday. I've always been more reserved and quiet (until you get to know me). But I think that I am a fairly easygoing and upbeat person. I may have inherited a short temper, but over the years I've learned to extend my calm and extinguish the fuse. As I've talked with my sisters about the generations of problems that may or may not have been passed down, we have accepted the call to break the pattern. It might be hard, but God won't give us a challenge that we can't overcome with His help. I know I am good with my kids and I was good with my husband when I was married.
I know I've shared a lot of the hard times I had with my ex-husband, but there were a lot of good times mixed in there, too. Especially the first few years. We enjoyed adventures, hikes, the temple, growing our family, and each others company. We supported each other in our goals and ambitions. We had fun together, we comforted one another and we made each other laugh. We both had dads who worked out of town and that was something neither of us wanted. We just wanted to spend as much time together as possible. We were so happy and made the other a priority.
I was really careful with who I chose to marry. I did not want someone who was physically aggressive and I did not want someone who didn't have a testimony. I found somebody who was a scriptorian, he knew the gospel, and we could have gospel discussions easily. That excited me and made me really happy. I grew up with a dad who was inactive for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I married someone who would be a good father to my children and would be able to give them priesthood blessings when they needed them. I wanted someone who could be a partner with me in teaching our children the gospel, especially the scriptures, since I've never been able to recall or quote the exact verse. I was satisfied with the man I found. He seemed to love the Lord as I did.
This should illustrate why it is so scary for me to think about moving forward with someone else. Why it is so hard to imagine trusting someone else. Or even, trusting myself with such a decision. Because even the best person that I can find, even the sweetest guy that I've met, even someone who seems like they have a real testimony, or someone who takes me to the temple weekly could change. There's no guarantee.
Austin and I actually had good communication throughout our marriage except when he would keep things from me or lie to me. Toward the very end of our marriage he told me there were still things he kept from me. I knew. How could I not know things like the fact that he was getting coffee everyday, when he came home smelling like it. I would even get the receipts emailed to me somehow. He would also tell me about when he met with the bishop and what they had to say. Austin was asked to return for more conversations while I never was invited to the visit with the bishop.
When I opened up to the bishop about all of this in an unrelated interview, he was surprised that I knew so much about what Austin had read and the direction he chose to take his life. The bishop shared an experience with me, one time while he was sitting on the stand in Sacrament meeting, he looked over at me, struggling with my kids (this was shortly after Austin stopped coming to church with me), and thought he should go help me. Let me say this: he should have. I felt so invisible and overlooked. I had no voice and no friends. I was so alone.
Yes, his place is on the stand. But it's so he can preside over the congregation. Part of that is to look over and after those who need help. He should have set the example and come to my aid. Yes, people would have noticed. So what. GOOD! They can see their leader serving in a simple, yet significant way.
I was surprised that he never reached out to me. It seemed to me that if he knew I had been living with an atheist he should have called me or touched base to see how I was doing and offer to give me a blessing or something! Especially since it would have been so easy for me to give in and let go. To leave the church, or at the very least just stop coming.
I also had in laws in the ward that could have helped me. And if we had been the friends I had hoped for when we moved there, they would have. I don't mention these stories to shame those people. I do it so that others will act, instead of sitting back doing nothing. Never suppress a generous thought. Eventually (sooner rather than later), my kids learned to sit reverently and we mastered a rhythm. First we would just sit quietly, participating fully in the meeting. Once the sacrament was done I would let them have their sketchbooks, dolly, or other quiet activity for the rest of the meeting.
I remember taking my kids to an Easter egg hunt at a ward members house. A bunch of moms with young kids were there. I lurked under the radar for most of the time. At one point, a sister asked me, not how I was, but how it was having my husband working from home. She didn't know he quit his steady, high paying job at a respectable law firm to sit at home in his underwear, alone in the back room, looking at garbage and playing free-cell, only occasionally doing actual work. She didn't know anything about the hell I was going through. Only one of the other moms had taken time to really know what I was going through. And when she heard the question she looked at me with such caring grace in her eyes that I knew she was a true friend. I knew she wanted to help somehow, but I also knew the rest of them wouldn't waste too much time talking to or about me. I answered honestly. I told them it was okay, but I wished he would get out of the house once in a while and not interfere with my job as a stay at home mom. I was right. They moved on quickly, redirecting the attention and questions to someone else.
I'm so much happier now. Being single has been good. I liked living with Becky before I got married, having all kinds of activities at my finger tips. This is the same now, though much is different, like I have kids now. I especially like having the people in my community of the mid-singles be like me. We've all been through hard things. Many of us have been divorced. I have a voice again. I feel less alone now. Even while I'm alone in my tiny house.
So yes, I have been broken. But God loves broken things, doesn't He?
My focus is a constant on the Lord and His will for me and my family, and how I can bless others. I understand the law of consecration a little better after going through what I've gone through. The point of this life is to come unto Him, and bring as many as we can with us. To lift and brighten. I think I did my part before, when I was naive of the deceptions of satan -- before my husband left the church. I was kind and service oriented. I had ambition in my career and learned at BYU to aim for the "capitol A" Art world. To be a serious artist. But I care nothing about that now. I want my art and writing to bring others to Christ. To be a strength for weary and tired hands. I hope to be an ally to those who keep on trying, and a guidepost pointing the right direction.
As you know, I love Calee Reed. Her music is truly a gift from God. I'm grateful she has gone through what she has because it pushed her to create some seriously real, spiritually powerful, and inspiring music. I learn from the words in her songs when I listen to them. When I got her Believer CD for Christmas my girls and I gravitated most to her song, Broken and Beautiful. She touched the brokenness of our hearts that were caused in part by our little families recent divorce.
This should illustrate why it is so scary for me to think about moving forward with someone else. Why it is so hard to imagine trusting someone else. Or even, trusting myself with such a decision. Because even the best person that I can find, even the sweetest guy that I've met, even someone who seems like they have a real testimony, or someone who takes me to the temple weekly could change. There's no guarantee.
Austin and I actually had good communication throughout our marriage except when he would keep things from me or lie to me. Toward the very end of our marriage he told me there were still things he kept from me. I knew. How could I not know things like the fact that he was getting coffee everyday, when he came home smelling like it. I would even get the receipts emailed to me somehow. He would also tell me about when he met with the bishop and what they had to say. Austin was asked to return for more conversations while I never was invited to the visit with the bishop.
When I opened up to the bishop about all of this in an unrelated interview, he was surprised that I knew so much about what Austin had read and the direction he chose to take his life. The bishop shared an experience with me, one time while he was sitting on the stand in Sacrament meeting, he looked over at me, struggling with my kids (this was shortly after Austin stopped coming to church with me), and thought he should go help me. Let me say this: he should have. I felt so invisible and overlooked. I had no voice and no friends. I was so alone.
Yes, his place is on the stand. But it's so he can preside over the congregation. Part of that is to look over and after those who need help. He should have set the example and come to my aid. Yes, people would have noticed. So what. GOOD! They can see their leader serving in a simple, yet significant way.
I was surprised that he never reached out to me. It seemed to me that if he knew I had been living with an atheist he should have called me or touched base to see how I was doing and offer to give me a blessing or something! Especially since it would have been so easy for me to give in and let go. To leave the church, or at the very least just stop coming.
I also had in laws in the ward that could have helped me. And if we had been the friends I had hoped for when we moved there, they would have. I don't mention these stories to shame those people. I do it so that others will act, instead of sitting back doing nothing. Never suppress a generous thought. Eventually (sooner rather than later), my kids learned to sit reverently and we mastered a rhythm. First we would just sit quietly, participating fully in the meeting. Once the sacrament was done I would let them have their sketchbooks, dolly, or other quiet activity for the rest of the meeting.
I remember taking my kids to an Easter egg hunt at a ward members house. A bunch of moms with young kids were there. I lurked under the radar for most of the time. At one point, a sister asked me, not how I was, but how it was having my husband working from home. She didn't know he quit his steady, high paying job at a respectable law firm to sit at home in his underwear, alone in the back room, looking at garbage and playing free-cell, only occasionally doing actual work. She didn't know anything about the hell I was going through. Only one of the other moms had taken time to really know what I was going through. And when she heard the question she looked at me with such caring grace in her eyes that I knew she was a true friend. I knew she wanted to help somehow, but I also knew the rest of them wouldn't waste too much time talking to or about me. I answered honestly. I told them it was okay, but I wished he would get out of the house once in a while and not interfere with my job as a stay at home mom. I was right. They moved on quickly, redirecting the attention and questions to someone else.
I'm so much happier now. Being single has been good. I liked living with Becky before I got married, having all kinds of activities at my finger tips. This is the same now, though much is different, like I have kids now. I especially like having the people in my community of the mid-singles be like me. We've all been through hard things. Many of us have been divorced. I have a voice again. I feel less alone now. Even while I'm alone in my tiny house.
So yes, I have been broken. But God loves broken things, doesn't He?
My focus is a constant on the Lord and His will for me and my family, and how I can bless others. I understand the law of consecration a little better after going through what I've gone through. The point of this life is to come unto Him, and bring as many as we can with us. To lift and brighten. I think I did my part before, when I was naive of the deceptions of satan -- before my husband left the church. I was kind and service oriented. I had ambition in my career and learned at BYU to aim for the "capitol A" Art world. To be a serious artist. But I care nothing about that now. I want my art and writing to bring others to Christ. To be a strength for weary and tired hands. I hope to be an ally to those who keep on trying, and a guidepost pointing the right direction.
As you know, I love Calee Reed. Her music is truly a gift from God. I'm grateful she has gone through what she has because it pushed her to create some seriously real, spiritually powerful, and inspiring music. I learn from the words in her songs when I listen to them. When I got her Believer CD for Christmas my girls and I gravitated most to her song, Broken and Beautiful. She touched the brokenness of our hearts that were caused in part by our little families recent divorce.
As I reflect on the repercussions of all I've been through, I do feel broken. I feel broken in every way. Both good and bad. But somehow, I still feel hope. The first thing Austin told me after he told me he didn't have a testimony any more was to not hope. I have never given up hope. I hope that whoever I do choose to be my eternal companion will not just be okay with my baggage, but be willing and able to help me carry it, or better yet, to help me put it down all together. I hope to find someone I can truly trust. I hope to find a better relationship than I've had before. I hope to become more like my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I hope to teach my kids well, how to follow Him, always. I hope to be the best I can be, so that the Lord will be proud of me.
Through the hard things that break us down we can be made whole. When we're put back together it is in a more godly order.
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