Elusive Happiness

I'm a little lost right now. I used to be happy. I used to feel lucky. I used to think my life was perfect, and yet I felt this impending doom. I looked at my sisters who are amazing women and I would think how unfair lives are. How I had everything, and they were each deprived of what their hearts most wanted. In short, to grow their families, respectively. 

Now, they are doing it and my life is falling apart. My husband left me (and God and our shared beliefs). My kids are still wonderful, but my hopes and dreams for a big happy family are dwindling - with no real prospects of ever changing. I am looking at moving into a trailer - like, to live in a trailer... on the side of my parents house.
yeah. 

In the mean time my younger sister and her husband are building a mansion and my older sister is getting married. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for both of them! But when it's pushed in my face so much all together I really just want to run away. But I can't, because I am stuck in Arizona, a place as hot as H E double hockey sticks. I did try to escape for a weekend, to Utah, to see my best friend (my sister). 

Utah and Becky are two things that make me feel safe and like I'm home, but this visit was very different. I did not feel at home there at all. I felt lonely. I felt ignored and unimportant. I felt out of place and guilty for leaving my kids a few hours early. I missed Kimber. I wanted to reach out to friends there, to talk with them about the hard time I've been going through, but felt like I couldn't because right now it's not about me. It's about Becky. 

Even though she acted excited for me to come visit and get to know her fiancé better, she left me feeling unwelcome. She couldn't leave him early for even one night so we could have a real conversation. And at a convention we all went to I was alone most of the time. It's discouraging to have your best friend ignore you as if you're not there. But even more than that, the mountains in Utah used to bring me peace and hope. This time they left me feeling homesick and anxious. 

I am happy, because I choose to be happy. But it's a lot harder. It doesn't always come naturally. I have to really work for it.  I don't know where I belong. Where God wants me. What His plan is for me. I find myself missing people I used to know (as in see regularly). Good people who I cared about. Who were true friends to me. These few people who have been on my mind lately have character that I admire and I want to emulate. 

It has been easier to be happy lately in comparison to the passed two years, while I was going through a silent hell. What with my best friend (husband) leaving the church and becoming an atheist and breaking my heart over and over and over again. Who knew your heart would beat even after such a beating. After living in darkness for such a long time I feel free and light. It's a relief! In that way it is easy to be happy. I try to focus on the good things in my life. 

The friends I do have and can count on. One friend just had a baby and still invited us in to play and chat. She is a huge help. She is so supportive and seems to actually care about me. I'd call her my best friend, but I'm not that bold. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to vent about my favorite people (and least favorite). I do need to say, though, that I have felt strengthened from the prayers given on my behalf. Like, I was held up by an unseen power. So thank you if you were one of those people.