My talk for church

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Good morning! 

My name is Lisa Martineau and I've been in and out of this ward for the past 30 years. I'm a mom of two amazing daughters. And I'm an artist. Right now I'm working on a series about women in the Bible that I'm really excited about. I also work in art restoration and in the control center for an airline. So I keep myself pretty busy.

I'm grateful for the flight benefits I have, because it allows me to go on and take my kids on fun trips to either visit my sister in Utah or explore other places and cultures. 

Last week while I was on my way home from... one of my jobs I got a call from Bishop Gailey asking me to give a talk. I almost said no because I knew I would be out of town on a trip I've been planning for months. But I was glad to be asked to speak.

When I was a new mom I heard a lot of advice. But the best advice was this: teach your kids what they need to know in five years. I don't know who told me this, but that has stayed with me and I think of it often. 

When my girls were babies I would sing to them, songs like the alphabet or primary songs like I love to See the Temple and I am a Child of God. I wanted to teach them the basics that would give them a foundation in the gospel so they would know who they are and to prepare them for stepping into the world. 

When they were three we talked about getting baptized and what it means to be a disciple of Christ. And oh boy were they excited to get baptized! 

It changes every few years, and I have to prepare myself for the next stages as well.

I think that prophets of God also follow this rule, only instead of 5 years it's a bit more as their stewardship is a little more far reaching.

When I was eight years old the prophet at the time, President Gordon B. Hinckley, added to our official doctrine, providing clarity and guidance on what God wanted us to be prepared for in the coming years. 

He called it, The Family: A Proclamation to the World. 

I grew up with this and thought of it much like the Articles of Faith. It became part of what I learned in youth programs, and I have used it as a guidepost throughout my life. 

Once I graduated from BYU I married a returned missionary in the temple. Together we started a beautiful family. We both wanted to have a bunch of kids. He had 11 siblings, and I only had 2 sisters, but I always wanted to have all the babies. We made temple dates a regular thing. And it was not unusual for us to have gospel discussions together. He was a good partner. 

Until he wasn't. 

One day after church, while our two babies were sleeping, he told me that he didn't have a testimony anymore. In that moment I felt the foundation of our relationship break and collide like an earthquake. The core of what we had in common was crumbling out from under my feet and for the next two years I tried to make our broken marriage work, but without God at the helm, it was a very dark a difficult time.

But what choice did I have? The proclamation says that, “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

I couldn't get divorced. I was stuck. Trapped in a situation I never wanted to be in. Forbidden from talking about what I was going through because he didn't want to be seen as the inactive spouse.

How could this have happened to me? I was so careful in who I chose to marry. He was a scriptorian. A returned missionary. He had pioneer ancestry. He graduated from BYU. Twice. I had done everything right, And yet I found myself married to an atheist. 

Through this experience I learned that life doesn't turn out the way we plan. And it is by divine design that we go through hardships. I learned that even if my own husband left the church and abandoned God, I would not. 

I learned that even if I hear about all the bad stuff that people don't understand and use to try to prove that the church isn't true and that there is no God, I will still believe in God and in His goodness. 

The proclamation says that, “Husband(s) and wife(s) have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”

And when I did that to the best of my ability, and was not afforded as much in return, that is where there is a disconnect. 

That is what made me feel - not only okay with getting divorced when he asked for that - but actually like that’s what God had planned for me. 

We are all different. And we don't all fit the mould that we think we are supposed to fit into. But God knows that. And He wants us to understand that We fit into His plan. And He wants us to fit Him into our plans, too.

If my ex-husband would have made a different choice, if he had chosen to stay and believe, then I think we could have had a really happy life together. 

Because, as the proclamation says, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

I still have a happy family. And we follow this command. We pray together daily. We respect and forgive each other. And we do lots of wholesome recreational activities from watching movies together, to going to the park or even on trips like the one we just got back from!

I strive to raise my daughters in love and righteousness. I work really hard to provide for their physical and spiritual needs. I teach them to love and serve those around them and follow God’s commands. Just as God directs in the proclamation. 

I'm really proud of who I have chosen to be and who my children are. And I'm glad to be an example to them of someone who chooses God over everything else. They know they're number two, and they wouldn't have it any other way. Because if I love God first, then I can love them better. 

I testify that God knows me fully, and loves me deeply. I know that prophets are inspired by God. I know that families are forever and are central to the creator’s plan. And that the temple allows us to be sealed and together eternally. 

The Struggle Within

I've been thinking a lot about mental health and the internal struggle that I go through on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I've gotten better and other days I feel like I'm the worst person in the world and I'll never get better.

Depression is a liar and at times debilitating. 

The older I get the more I feel like I don't want to go outside. I feel more and more like my great grandma who was sensitive to sound and would be seemingly irrationally upset if we made sound or or just little kids in her vicinity. I feel that deeply now. 

I'm crippled with anxiety. 

I've always had it to some extent but I'm to the point where I don't see how it's worth it for me to put myself out there only to be hurt betrayed belittled or perhaps first of all ignored. 

I am the type of person that needs purpose in my life. Not just at work, but at home, at church, and in any interaction that I have with other people. I don't like this version of myself very much, but I feel like the bright vibrant and friendly version of me has retreated so far inside of myself that I don't know how to access her anymore. And I don't see how other people would ever want to be around this timid and dull lackluster creature I have become. 

There's a constant battle. A tug of war. But the person I want to be feels weaker than this person the depression has claimed and anxiety has shouted in it's cloaks.

All of that mixed with losing my grandma, who I have always admired and have been close with. Dealing with grief. And realizing that we are similar in so many ways from art and creativity to loneliness and solitude. 

I know the way that she combatted those feelings, she immersed herself in community. She volunteered really cool places and spent time with really amazing people. She filled her days with friends and family and food and fun. And still she died without a partner to love her and take care of her. Even with the dozen family members she left to mourn her and miss her, I feel like she was lucky to get to not have to mourn the friends who outlived her, and the people she left behind.

The less people I have around me the less people I have to miss when they pass away, or leave for some of the reason, like moving to other states or cities. All the friends I had 5 years ago before covid shut down the entire world are gone. I am a different person now, so of course they would be too.

To Go or Not to Go

This church is really hard to fit into when you're different.

I'm single, but I'm also a mom. So I don't have a lot in common with those in the singles wards. Especially single men who claim they want to have kids. I think that a lot of the single men who are my age are looking for a mommy and not a wife. I'm not the girl they are looking for and they are certainly not the man I want in my life. 

I'm a mom, but I'm single. So people in a family ward don't think they have anything in common with me. 

I desperately want to have a calling. A job to do to let me feel useful and accepted. A safe place where I can be confident. But I haven't really had a calling since I've been divorced. In 2020 I was called to the Relief Society presidency, but then the whole world shut down. I have told my current bishop that I want a calling, but I've been in the ward for a year and still don't have one. 

I know this isn't the right place for me, but what is the right place? A different singles ward? A family ward? Or should I just not go?

The last would be my first choice if it weren't for the pesky fact that I believe the gospel is true and love the Lord.  

So where do I belong?

The Good and The Bad

There are pros and cons in every situation. You're never going to find something that is all positive. 

I have found this to be true even within my religious beliefs.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe the doctrine to be true. I know there's a God who knows me and loves me. I believe Jesus Christ lived and died for me. And I know there is a more beautiful and peaceful life after this one.

But going to church feels like absolute hell. As a single mom in her 30s who's been through a lot, I really don't I don't feel like I have a place. I don't want to go to a family ward because I don't have friends there, nobody understands me and nobody wants to understand me.

I don't have friends in the singles ward anymore because I've been out of it for so long. And I'm too shy as the new person who's not established in any way. I don't have a job to do or a calling. I don't have a place and I feel uncomfortable in that situation. I don't know what to do about it but I love God enough to not want to never walk back into His church building.

I really like my job. The pros and cons in my current situation are that I like my job but it does not pay enough. I like my flight benefit but because I don't make enough money I'm constantly stressed about how much I spend when I do travel.

This last week I had the opportunity that I was looking forward to to travel to Dallas and attend a training class for the position that I've been in for the last 3+ years. 

Six of my other coworkers also attended the same training class in order for us to be more unified in how we do our job. There were four other people in our class coming from other stations around the US.

We had so much fun together not just in the class but outside of the class. We ate our meals together. We went out and we did things together. They had bikes for us to explore their massive campus, which was gorgeous - very dense with vegetation, there were lakes and trees and paths and bridges and amazing things. It was absolutely a dream to go there. I love places like this and I just felt valued and content. 

Another reason why it was so nice for me to be able to get away it's because I've been I've really been struggling with depression lately. A few factors play into that. 

First of all loneliness has been debilitating. Second is the way that I see myself has really affected my own self image. And third is that I've been feeling trapped and stuck here because of my ex-husband and our kids. I've been wanting to get away and even live somewhere else but I can't.

I've cut ties completely with my ex-fiance and that has been difficult but also eye opening without having to see him periodically, because he's very charming. And when I do see him I am reminded of all of the good things and qualities about him. But he is so toxic and selfish and I feel free now that he's not part of my life and the clarity that comes with that is empowering.

I've been able to recognize some of the red flags from that relationship that I will be able to look for in the future if I ever do decide to have a relationship again which is not a priority of mine at this time.

I got sick several years ago and I started a medication that made me gain a lot of weight. That was really challenging for me to weigh more than I had ever before and made my body an uncomfortable size for me. I've been off of that medication for a few months now and I am finally able to start shedding some of those unwanted pounds. The projectory for my health goals is on track and I am able to start exercising and working out more regularly again. Having said that my body is not where I want it to be and I still feel very self-conscious about what I look like and I don't really want people looking at me. 

This brings me to something that happened on my work trip that made me feel really uncomfortable!!

Tuesday night I was invited to join some of my classmates in one of their rooms to hang out and I also knew there would be alcohol. I declined this invitation because I needed some time to myself to recharge and just chill and chat with my kids and maybe turn on the TV. I just needed some time to myself. 

A couple hours after that initial invitation, around 10:30 pm, I got another call inviting me to hang out again. I was told that there was a guy there who liked me and kept talking about me and wanted to hook up. 

He heard the conversation I was having with my friend and took the phone from her and then he asked me for my room number and told me he was going to bring me a shot and then we could hook up. I told him I didn't want a shot, thanks anyway. He said okay I figured you don't want a shot, I'll bring you half a shot. He made it all the way down to 3rd of a shot and I really just kept turning him down. I don't want a shot, no thank you, I'm good. 

He mentioned, "Well look you're already up you're still up might as well I can just come over I'll bring you a mixed drink and we'll make you a mixed drink we'll make it right in front of you so that there's no shady business, you know." Cool so I already knew his intention but he wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to be blamed for raping me. Why then did I have to have alcohol? At this point I told him no I don't want any alcohol I don't want a drink I don't want a shot I don't want to hook up with you. I am too old for you.

Later, when I was talking to my friend,she told me that he had been talking about me with them for that whole time. Two hours he was talking about me and my 'fat ass' and how my body was fire and then he said, "I bet she's never had black."

I learned that security had been called to the room they were all partying in and that other people in the hotel could hear them talking about me. They could hear him saying, "If I'm not going to get some... I'm just going to leave my door open."

This is so embarrassing! At first I felt embarrassed for him because he was clearly very drunk and making poor choices. He said he liked me, but he had never had a conversation with me. He didn't like me, he didn't know me, if he knew me, he wouldn't like me. I am very much not his type. 

But I realize I feel more uncomfortable not because he tried to hook up with me but because he was talking about me and my body for 2 hours. So the next day all of my classmates, no doubt, were going to be looking at my body to see what he saw. I don't even want to look at my body, I certainly don't want other people to be looking at my body. 

One girl said he liked my booty not my beauty. And that's exactly it. That is in no way flattering. Why can't a guy just like me because I'm a good person and I'm smart and kind?

The next day in class was awful and I felt so embarrassed and objectified. 

I had to text my best friend, whom I work with but didn't come on the trip, about all of this because I needed some clarity and I needed to basically just vent about all of this. I knew I was going to have to be on my phone for a little bit. I told the instructor that something weird happened last night, and I didn't want to make him feel like I was being disrespectful or not paying attention by being on my phone, but I do need to reach out to someone that I work with back home. 

He was so nice about everything and caring and made sure that I felt validated and seen in what was happening even though I didn't tell him what had happened. 

The most irritating part about all of this is that, and I know this is ridiculous, but I felt like there was some chemistry there and I haven't felt that in a really long time. Maybe it was only a one-sided thing but there was something sexy about this instructor. Or maybe I just think intellectual knowledge is more attractive than a booty call.

So I had to go up to this person that I felt in some way attracted to and tell him that there was an issue that I was dealing with that day. I mean, it was a hard day, I had to leave the room to cry in the bathroom at one point. I felt so stupid because maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. Like, he was drunk. Things like this happens all the time, but it was crossing my boundary and I had already been clear about not going to the party because I didn't want to drink. 

My positive take away is this. I have hit a milestone in my healing journey. 

When my engagement was broken off I didn't want to date anyone ever again. This is the first time I have felt differently. And I know nothing will ever come of that, but the fact that my mind and my heart were open to something like that is a positive for me.

So all of that to say there are good things and bad things to focus on and what you choose to focus on really impacts the way that you view life and the way you feel. 

A couple weeks ago when I got to work I saw this shiny circle on the ground and I first I thought it was just a bottle cap so I was just going to ignore it and that the cleaners sweep it up. But the more I looked at it, for some reason it had caught my eye enough that I thought to go investigate it. When I picked it up I saw that it was a coin. It's pretty heavy duty. It was beautiful, I turned it over and it had someone's name on it. 

That that morning I went to work and my best friend was there so she and I did a little bit of research. We looked up his name and we found out that he had been this incredible war hero even featured in a Mel Gibson film We Are Soldiers. I tried messaging him because I got to work at 4:30 in the morning I didn't want to call him until after work. So after work we did end up calling him and he told us that was a challenge coin and that I could keep it!

Well I took this really seriously because I have been struggling so much with really dark feelings. But since that day I have made a conscious effort to focus on the good things in my life and to recognize the miracles. 

I want to share a few of these things with you. 

First of all I believe finding this coin was a miracle in and of itself. Because God knew that I needed some help. 

Next I'm just going to mention two that just happened. Typically I like hanging out with people and being included. I don't mind if they are drinking even though I won't be. So I would have gone to this party that I was invited to the other night, but for whatever reason, I just wanted to go to my room and take it easy. If I had gone to that party I don't know what I would have done. I would have been so uncomfortable but I don't know if I would have just left because I felt uncomfortable. I might have felt obligated to stay and then when I did leave what if he followed me to my room and continued to try to get into my pants. He was really drunk, I wouldn't have been, but that might not have stopped him.

Lastly, coming back from Dallas was a little bit of an ordeal. Our flight got delayed twice so I didn't get off the plane until 10 pm (midnight Dallas time) and at that point neither of my rides were available. So I got a lyft, and I didn't get home until 11 pm. At that point I was exhausted. I did the minimum and then I went to bed and I forgot to set my alarm. They had VTO'd me for the first 2 hours of my shift which meant I only had to be in by 6:30 a.m. I woke up at 5:30 to my alarm going off but I did NOT  have an alarm set. The sound of my alarm woke me up but it was not going off. And I think that's a miracle. 

God is looking out for me. From little, seemingly insignificant things, to bigger things that could potentially have a greater impact on my life, and I'm really grateful for that!

No One to Grow Old With

 Lately I've been really depressed. And I don't have many friends who truly understand what that means. I'm frustrated that people think that depression = sadness. It is not at all the same thing. 

Sadness is a feeling that can change easily with your surroundings. You're allowed to feel sadness, but it's not a defining character. For example, I'm sad my grandma died. I miss her. At work today I felt sad about it and cried a little. I wish I could stop by her house after work to visit. Or call her. Or text her. O send her a letter in the mail. But I can't, because she's not there. Once I gave myself one or two minutes to cry I felt better and was able to get back to work. I can function like normal.

Depression is a beast of its own. This week was bad, but has been better than last week, which is surprising since I had my kids last week and not this week. Their presence usually helps keep me grounded, but last week was extra heavy. I was physically sick due to my overwhelming depression. I'm not exaggerating. I was diagnosed with sever depression. It's a real thing. A chronic illness that most people dismiss because they're ignorant to the reality that it is not the feeling of being sad. 

I have talked about it before, but it is worse than it has been in a long time. Maybe because I went off the medication I had been on.

They prescribed me Lexapro, which worked wonderfully for it's purposed. It made the dark clouds go away and helped me regain control over my thoughts and feelings. I could see more clearly the intensions of people around me, and I could keep my cool easier. The downside is that it made me gain weight. A lot of weight. Which made me feel bad about myself. So because of that, and a few other reasons I decided to wean myself off and find a different way to manage my depression. 

I want to start working out again regularly, like I used to. I know it will help me feel better, but I'm crippled. I can't get out of bed, I don't have energy, I feel so weak. It's a vicious cycle. I know that if I got back into that routine that I would enjoy it. I miss it, but my illness wont let me.

I feel like I need a partner, a motivator, but I have no one. I have no friends who live close to me. I have a few work friends, but they aren't reliable in pursuing a friendship. Plus, their values are so different from mine. I'm all for diversity, and I love my sexually active, foul-mouthed friends from work. I just need someone who will be still with me. Who will go to church with me, or just have someone to sit with. Who will go to the temple with me. Who will go on walks and hikes with me. Or even just someone who will invite me to a game night. I haven't been to a game night in probably five years. 

I miss the life I had made for myself before the pandemic and before the toxic relationship that I gave way too much of my time. It sucks because you don't know someone is toxic until it's too late. They secure your heart, and then begin the abuse. He killed the girl I had become. And I really liked her. She was finally confident and recognized how amazing she was. I could actually see myself how others saw me, in a positive way . In a, wow, she's really fun, and beautiful.

I can't see that girl anymore. I picture myself as ugly, old, obese, and insecure (which is the most unattractive). I can't imagine anyone good and kind and genuine ever wanting to be with me or around me. I despise myself. Why would anyone else want to love me? I don't trust anyone. So I guess I can't blame anyone else for not wanting to be with me.

But I'm sad.

I'm sad because the dream is to find someone to grow old with. But it's too late for me. I'm already old. And I wont be ready to date anyone for a long time. If I ever get to the point of actually wanting to date again.

I'm so alone. I've actually had dreams lately where I'm so lonely that I call my sister and tell her how lonely I am. I'm dream confiding in my person. That's how lonely I am.

If you're alone and you lonely? Well you just don't have to be lonely... anymore.

Who Am I ??!

Growing up I knew exactly who I was. 

First and foremost, I was a child of God. 

I was a beloved daughter and sister in my family. I was the redheaded, middle-child, artist, who loved to climb trees and play in the mud.

In college I wanted to break out of my shy shell, so I prayed to be more witty. And I made sure to be socially active. As I went to BYU that means a lot of game nights, hikes, movie nights, random adventures, prayer circles, dances, and maybe even a special guest lecturer, and so on.

As I've grown older I've realized one of my key identities has been sister to The Great Becky Boughan (now Walton)! I have always looked up to her. I have always heeded her counsel, and worried about disappointing her. I was a copy of her. And that is no bad thing! Becky is my best friend and I look up to her in every way. And not just because she's taller than I am. 

We walk in sync.

We laugh at the same things.

We look alike, after all, we are twins - separated at birth by two years.

The biggest difference is our hands. We are not identical hand twins. We sometimes joke that we forget which one we are, so we say, "Who am I?" dramatically and check our hands. hahaha. I can't even write that without giggling. We're hilarious. 

But

Then I got married and had to live with a boy. Sure he was smart and funny and hansom. But he wasn't Becky. Now I had to learn who I was as a married woman. Who didn't get to live with her sister, the famous Becky Boughan. It was very hard. Thankfully we didn't live far from each other so we still got to see each other almost everyday. Life was mostly good

But THEN

My husband and I did something we swore we'd never do. We moved back to the hottest, driest, ugliest place we knew of: Arizona. This is where hell fire rains and burns you from the bottom of your feet if you dare go barefoot. Or stings your skin if you leave the cool inside for even a moment. And don't get me started on what can happen in a car... 

But the worst hellfire was when my husband who I had chosen for his spiritual knowledge and dedicated lifestyle, denounced God and turned against me. He seemed to despise me because I wouldn't let go of what I knew to be true. I cannot see light and declare it darkness. Even when I'm having darkness thrown at me like stones used to silence. 

That journey through hellfire was touch-erous. It pushed me to compromise rules that I had lived by in order to be a "good Mormon," and to be like Becky, and to not let her down. But going out to eat with his family on an occasional Sunday or watching an MA show together was worth it in order to try to connect with the man I made a commitment to. But all the compromises seemed to be on my part.

I would sit late at night and write down as many of his good qualities I could think of, which was not easy at this point. I was so broken down. He would write late at night about all the things he disliked about me. Trying vs. not trying, I guess. Or maybe we were just trying for different things. He was trying to push me away, and I was trying to hold on to my life. I felt like a loose tooth about to come, but I was holding on for dear life. Holding on to God. Trusting Him. Waiting for my Sunday.

I was doing the same thing I did with Becky, and if I really think about it, all the rest of the friends I've ever been really close with. I was letting myself mold into someone they would approve of. But who is the person I approve of? What do I even like doing? What genre of book or movie actually interests me? What am I even good at? Now that I've been through a divorce, let me assure you, I know many things I am not good at.

Don't worry, my story gets happy again. I met a great guy, who recognized how amazing I was. he saw past the baggage I was holding from the trauma I endured for two years. He'd hold me and let me cry when I missed my kids. He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Not the greatest fiancé, though. Especially when he ghosted me. Three weeks before our wedding day.

Now I've been abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, stand by me, defend me, and protect me most in the world. Twice. 

So now I ask with earnest heart. WHO AM I?

At the end of my marriage I went to Art to try to remember who I was. I painted a lot of barren desert landscapes. My reasoning was because that is what's real. Have no clue what influence that body of work.

Then I moved on to drawing high emotions. Faces that have felt tragedy. 

But now I feel discouraged by art. I'm insanely talented. My skill that far surpasses people who are making a lot of money and generating a lot of views. I've pivoted to working in aviation and I'm overall incredibly happy there. I like my coworkers and my flight benefits. But I'm still searching for who I am and what I like.

I've thought through every stage of my life. 

Early childhood I remember riding my bike. Following Becky and her friends around. Climbing trees. Playing Super Mario Bros. Watching clouds change shapes. Kitties.

Teen years I learned pottery, printmaking, photography, and broadened my overall artistic knowledge. I like making forts and rivers outside. I went to mutual and girls camp. Becky didn't like girls camp, so I felt some turmoil because I kind of did. I actually thought it was really fun and I liked sliding down the muddy mountain side in the rain, making up silly skits, talking to other girls who weren't the stuck up brats in my ward. I always looked forward to the fourth year, because that's when they got to go kayaking. Becky hated her fourth year. It was too hot and sunny for her. She's more of an indoor princess. But, When my fourth year came we didn't get to do any of that because our state was engulfed in forest fires. But my favorite part of camp was the singing trees. When we all went out to thick trees with our flashlights and sat in our own ward groups. Then one by one each group would shine their light up into the branches and sing our prepared song. it was beautiful. and powerful.

In college I found myself keeping a journal to help work through my thoughts and feelings. I would often go up the Provo canyon to feel peace and think. Just being in nature and letting myself feel grounded was so nourishing to my soul. I went to the temple a lot. And I majored in Art.

The common thing throughout my life that has brought me comfort and joy, other than art, has been nature. Being outside. Being close to God's creations. Even when I was married we would go on hikes. God's earth brings me closer to Him. Which brings me closer to who I am. 

A child of God.

"you carried me there"

 I heard this song randomly on the radio last night and it hit me harder than I thought it would at this point. Sat in my car and let myself cry for a little bit.

You told me I was the one you couldn't live without

And the way that you said it, I believed it like a vow (like a vow)

Maybe I got carried away, and baby, that's fair

But you can't call me crazy 'cause you carried me there

The way that you said it, I believed it like a vow

Don't mean nothing now

Have you ever been left when you should have been loved?

Yes. Too many times. 

Amazed

If you know me very well then you know that I sing all the time.

If you know me fairly well you would not know that.

But I was singing I STAND ALL AMAZED just now to my kids and then I told them that Jesus loves them so much that He died for them and He loves them so much that He lives for them. 

"I also love you enough to die for you. And I love you enough to live for you."

And that is sometimes harder.

#depression

Tiny

 in college lisa had tiny lisa.

now lisa has a tiny house.

inside, lisa feels tiny.

Jonah - Part 4

The turbulent storm propelled the vessel through the waters. From one river to another, finally meeting the sea. It was a journey of several days, but it was intentional in direction by God. 

The storm was fairly small in diameter and stayed close to the vessel, so when it arrived at another ship it happened all of a sudden. The winds were so wild that the mariners were frightened, fearing the ship would break and drown them. They prayed to God for him to save them and help them know what to do. There was one man on the ship who slept through the rough and tempestuous storm, apathetic and seemingly unafraid.

Truly, however, he was only less afraid of drowning than he was of the request the Lord had recently made of him. He had attempted to flee from the presence of the Lord, but the Lord saw him in his weakness and knew how to strengthen his faith. In this moment God impressed upon Jonah what he needed to do.

Jonah told the mariners, "Throw me into the water; so the sea will be calm for you. I know that God has sent this tempest because of me."

The mariners were surprised by his request.

"Um, yeah, we're not going to do that." 

"That's crazy." 

"There's got to be another way."

They worked hard to control the ship to no avail.

"Nope." Jonah said emotionless. "You can see that nothing you try is helping. This is really your only hope to survive." 

Jonah must have been persuasive enough to convince them to throw him overboard because they lifted him and heaved him into the raging sea. He took a breath just before he plunged deep into the cold water. His body tensed at the shock of it. Just then the vessel circled about him, stuck spinning in a whirlpool. The flap opened and let him in. The waters stilled and the storm was gone.

Too dark to see, Jonah felt the walls of the vessel. That, together with the smell and situation, he determined he must have been swallowed by a great fish of some sort. He prayed to the Lord to acknowledge His awareness of him. To praise Him and explain his fears and reasoning. 

After three days the vessel was brought to the shore and thrust Jonah out of it. Then it was gone. The Lord no longer had need of it so the sea swallowed it up and disposed of it. 

Jonah was weak and hungry. He was grateful to be alive. Amazed that God could deliver him from the belly of the sea. And he was ready to serve God in whatever way he was asked. So when God appeared to Jonah for a second time to ask the thing He had asked Jonah prior, he was ready to obey.

"Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee."

________________________

There was a commotion in the compound where Nim lived. He heard some servants talking about a prophet who had come to call repentance or be overthrown. His heart started racing. He ran to find Mara who was already searching for him. +

She told him, "There's a rumor that the king has been converted!" 

Nim asked, "Do you know what this means!"

The two sang together, "God answered our prayers!" 

They walked through the city in search of the prophet. Everyone was different. Everything felt new. Instead of people consumed in themselves, they were helping each other. Instead of being spat upon in public they received smiles. They had never seen adults smile at them before. They were always treated as an inconvenience. Now they were welcomed.

"Children," A woman said, wearing only a sack cloth beckoned to them, "The king has made a proclamation for us to humble ourselves from the inside out. We are to fast and wear sackcloth." She handed each of them a coarse, rough material made of goat hair that was fashioned into a modest smock. In a state of utter amazement, they accepted the offering and hastily changed. 

Tears filled Nim's eyes as his heart filled with gratitude.

"Are you okay?" Mara asked.

He took a moment before he answered. "God heard me. He's really real."

Mara smiled and embraced him. As they pulled apart to continue their search there was a man standing before them. 

"Children, go and tell your families that the Lord, God is aware of you. You are important to Him. He wants to save you and your people."

Nim's mouth fell open and his eyes grew wide. 

"Pray to God. Repent. Give thanks. And share what I have told you with those around you."

Jonah's words held power that pounded into Nim. He wanted to tell this mysterious man, this prophet, that he had prayed for him to come unto them. He wanted to tell him about the angel and the vessel that he had spent months working on. He wanted to tell him everything, but all that he did say was, 

"Thank you."

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 1 

17 Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Jonah Chapter 3

5 So the people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.

Jonah - Part 3

Nim did not know how to build a vessel. But that didn't stop him from trying. He put his best effort into following the instructions given by the angel. He gathered wood and bone from around the area. He worked on it diligently every day. Sometimes his friend, Mara, would come with him. She thought it was exciting to gather material to do the commands of God. Their hard work reflected in quality and progress. 

Nim completed everything the angel had told him to do in about three months. When he was done he had a framework that looked a lot like a bird cage. Only this was a huge bird cage that was large enough to easily fit both him and Mara.

"You did it! You're done." Mara exclaimed but Nim just shook his head with confusion visible on his face.

"I did everything the angel told me to do, but he also told me to make it airtight. This is anything but that!" He shoved his arm through the gap between two ribs. 

The two friends sat down within the frame of the vessel as if in a jail.

"I don't know where to go from here."

"Maybe you could try talking to God again."

"Good idea." Nim hadn't considered that the angel hadn't given him the whole answer. He hadn't considered that God would instruct little attainable bit by little attainable bit. The two knelt as he asked God:

"Oh God, I have done all you have asked. I followed your instructions the best I could. But I don't know where to go from here. Please help me know how to make it airtight."

They waited for an angel to arrive but no one came. They ended up falling asleep. When they awoke the next morning, there was a very large fish that was laying beside the frame of the vessel. Dead. 

At first they were frightened. He thought someone had been there and left the fish to rot. He jumped up and walked around it to see if someone was hiding on the other side. But upon closer examination he found no evidence of anyone else having been there. The fish also seemed to have just leapt out of the sea and got stuck on land. He felt almost sad for it, then he saw that it was very close in size to the structure he had assembled. He looked at it for a long time, watching as a plan unfolded before his eyes. It showed him in his mind how he was meant to use it in order to secure the vessel and keep it airtight. 

"Nim, Nim!" Mara shook him by the shoulder. 

He slowly turned his head to look at her, as if coming out of a trance. He smiled, "I know what to do next!"

It was a disgusting challenge that he did not enjoy, but he knew it would work, so he persevered and got the work done. He meticulously sewed the the skin to the frame and pierced the bones though the skin around the ribs of the frame. He and Mara worked all that day on this slimy task and did not finish until the end of the week.

When they were done he prayed and he asked God to approve his vessel. This time the angel appeared and gave a little more direction. 

"Nim, because you have kept the commandments of God you may go 100 yards into those trees and find nourishment. Then you will get back to work. Cut a hole in the vessel between the third and fourth rib in the design I will show you."

Nim and Mara ventured 100 yards into the trees and found a fig tree with the moonlight illuminating it from above. It was full of ripe, juicy fruit ready to eat. Once they were filled they returned to finish the direction from God. Nim carefully cut two slits in the skin from third and fourth rib. One at the top and one at the bottom. He then sliced along the fourth rib from the top slit to the bottom slit to create a flap. He then reinforced the flap with bones from the fish to make it rigid. Finally he secured it to the fourth rib so it would stay closed and air tight. 

Then he knelt and prayed to God again. Again the angel appeared. This time he approved his hard work and told him to do something far harder than constructing such a vessel. He told him to throw it into the sea. Then he was gone. 

Nim's eye twitched. 

He wants me to throw it into the sea?! I've worked months on this. I painstakingly following the directions of God to create this and now He wants me to just throw it away? How can I throw away all of my hard work?

Nim was angry. Instead of throwing his creation into the sea to be destroyed he went home to sleep. But of course he could not sleep. He laid on his mat with a furrowed brow. Mentally criticizing God for being cruel enough to tell him to make something and then just destroy it. As he let his thoughts move through the stages of grief, he arrived at reason. 

God told me to make this weird vessel thing and now he just wants me to throw it into the sea. I don't even know why this was what he wanted me to do when I asked him to save me and my people. Maybe God knows more than me. Maybe this is what He wanted from the very beginning. I have no use for this vessel but maybe God does. 

Nim arose from his mat and trudged back to his spot by the seaside. He stood looking at the mysterious vessel that he had created with his own hands. And then he pushed it into the sea.

At that moment the sea erupted as if angry. Tossing and turning the vessel dragging it deep into the water - far away from him. He watched it for as long as he could and knew that he would never see it again.

Questions and wonder filled his mind as to what God was thinking and what He had planned. Why would He ask so much of Nim without really answering his prayer? What could His plan possibly be?

Anger and confusion were met with peace. He knew that this is what the Lord had asked of him.

"I can only do what I can do." Nim said and returned home to wait upon the Lord.

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 1 

6...What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous.

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you.

Jonah - Part 2

There was one young boy of only six by the name of Nim who could recognize the evil around him for what it really was. It repulsed him. He dreaded the day of homecoming. The heads terrified him, and the stench of death turned his stomach. Nim loved the other children in the compound and the motherly figures who took care of him. Their compound had dozens of women which meant there were dozens of children.

While there were some who seemed to love the cruel and grotesque practices of their culture, many were just as scared as he was. They dreaded joining the military. They were frightened of the lifeless faces on the body-less heads. These children wanted to play and laugh and learn like any other child. Instead they were spat upon or kicked aside if they were ever seen. Detesting the men who were returning from war. The men they were destined to become. 

_____________

One unfortunate evening, Nim was in the kitchen when the men returned. While he hid out of sight he saw the men beat the eunuchs and concubines before taking them away to have their way with them.

It scared him so much that he ran away. He didn't know where he was running until he reached the edge of the river. He felt safer there than at the compound, so he stayed there until morning. Too young to fully recognize the danger of the wild beasts of the land, but wise enough to know the beasts of his home were worse.

This became a place of refuge for him.

Nim quietly retreated to this spot over the next five years each time there was a homecoming of warriors. He escaped the stench of death and the victorious bon fire rituals. 

_____________

"Adah, you need to comply or your beating will be worse. The king is god and this is his direction." Mahlah advised her friend.

"Oh, Mahlah, there is no god. Not on this earth or in any other realm. If there were a god we wouldn't be put through all of this." Adah refuted.

Nim overheard this debate and made him think about God in a wholly new way. A god in any other realm? He had never considered this. He pondered on this often and found himself hoping it were true and finally decided to try talking to it.

One evening when he had escaped to the waterside. He figured that if it were at all possible for there to be a god in any realm, then it might be possible for it to hear him.

He had no idea what prayer was, let alone how it was supposed to look or sound. He just opened his mouth and this is what came out:

Oh God of heaven and this world, if you are real please hear me. My heart aches because of the awful practices of my people. I am sick at the thought of going to war and bringing back the heads of the men that I would be required to slaughter. This cannot be right. Please save me and my people! 

This may not have been a perfectly uttered prayer, but God is a God of miracles. God knows and loves each one of us. God most certainly did hear this heartfelt prayer.

_____________

God knew this young man's heart and he knew his people were able to change because they, too, were children of God.

When Nim finished his prayer he stood up and looked at the water rushing past him. An overwhelming feeling of peace entered his heart and mind and goosebumps raised on his skin. As he turned away from the seaside an angel appeared to him. 

"Blessed are you, Nim. You have shown great faith. God knows you and loves you. He is proud of you."

Nim's mouth fell open. 

The angel continued, "You will construct a vessel."

"What's a vessel? And how do you make one?"

"You have the resources around you. It must be air-tight and modeled after the design which I will show you."

Nim was utterly exhausted after this interaction that he fell to the earth and slept for two days. When he awoke he thought it had been a dream. But then the reality of it set in and he felt the urgency to go and tell his peers at the compound. 

When he stumbled back into the compound he confided first  in his closest friend, Mara, a girl a few months younger than him. She was the only one who had noticed him missing. She had worried that he had been trampled or taken when he didn't return after the first day. She advised him not to tell anyone else or he would be killed. She had so many questions.

"Are you sure it was an angel? How do you know it wasn't evil?"

"Yes. I know it was and I cannot deny what happen. He stood in front of me in the air, surrounded by light. He spoke to me and taught me about God."

"But how will building a vessel help us?"

"Yeah... I thought that was a very strange, too." 

Nim was dumbfounded as to why this was the answer to his prayer. How on earth is a vessel supposed to help him? Much less save his people.  

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 2

7 When my soul fainted within me I remembered the Lord: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple.

2 And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice.

Jonah - Part 1

There are many theories about the story of Jonah and the whale. Many debates as to what may have actually happened. Questions concerning the fish that swallowed him. Was it a whale? A fish? A different creature all together? How could Jonah have survived for three days? How could he have been swallowed without being crushed? Why would God choose to save such a wicked city? Could it just be a story the Lord uses to teach his people?

In my opinion it is true and it did really happened. Let me tell you my idea of how it could have gone down.

_______________________

Nineveh, as you may know, was an astonishingly wicked place, full of people doing evil with little to no redeeming qualities. 

Infidelity was not an option because marriage was nonexistent. Unfortunately, this subjugated prisoners of war, strangers who stumbled into their massive city, and even the poorest and weakest of their own people to become eunuchs and slaves and concubines to satisfy any and every carnal pleasure. As if that wasn't enough, exploration with animals and objects were also common. 

Of course children were produced. Baby boys were used to build their army. They were taught at a very young age to be bloodthirsty and carnally minded. They were fed on raw meat as children and whipped if not promptly obeying.

When the girls reached the age of 13 they were welcomed into a compound where they would earn their keep by cooking, cleaning, and performing for the men of the household. When boys reach the age of 13 they would join the military to become fighters, spending the first few years growing stronger and learning how to fight. Their end goal was to torcher and decapitate the enemy. They practiced on each other, sometimes fighting to the death, as well as with large wild cats. The boys who did not prove themselves strong enough were sent to join the girls at the compounds.

Nineveh was known to be merciless. In order to feel powerful they did all they could to further the pain from their hands. They beheaded the men that they killed during battle to keep their families from identifying them. The heads were brought back as trophies. They would burn them in a bonfire to honor and worship their king.

The king was sly and cunning. He made sure to teach his people that there was no other god than him. Telling them not to pray to an imaginary nymph, but to bathe in blood and call out his name. He wanted to be known as the most powerful being alive. In his efforts to prove this he wrestled lions and skinned prisoners alive. He ran a murderously efficient empire to terrify both his own people and anyone else who heard of them. The king was proud and vain, and encouraged his people to be likewise. The wealthy wore in fine and elaborate dress and jewelry.

_______________________

Jonah Chapter 1

2 ...Nineveh, that great city, ... for their wickedness is come up before me.

Do as I'm Doing

I was thinking during the sacrament today about why we partake of the bread and then the water. 

A primary song came into my mind. Sacred words with rowdy music. 

Here is my body. I have shown you by example.

Do as I'm doing. Follow. Follow me. 

Here is my blood. I have sealed my works and my Father's will with my blood. 

Partake. For you also are my blood.

You are inherently divine offspring of the very creator of all things good and true. And as such, are able to enjoy all the blessings of our Father above. 

If you but do as I have done. If you will but follow me.

PIVOT

The past several months, even by the start of 2020 I have been feeling a strong pull to make a change in my life.  

After I graduated with my Art degree I started teaching art in the local community center. I learned that I actually really enjoy teaching and sharing my passion and knowledge with those around me, both young and old. After almost a year the center closed to the recreating center could open where I resumed my job planting seeds of creativity and watching my students grow in their abilities. I also enjoyed staff parties,  I mean,  staff meetings, but they consisted of team building games, awards for high performance, and recognition for my hard work.  I felt I was valued there and good at what I did. I knew I was doing something that mattered and it was fulfilling. 

When I moved to Arizona and got a similar job at a local community center,  with the same title and job description,  I was eager to get to work and have similar experiences and feelings. It's amazing how different the culture can be from one place to another.  While I still adored my students and loved sharing at history through techniques and projects,  I was lacking the sense of belonging.  I longed for the community and fun I had once had in my workplace.  No one here cared about me. 

I needed to pivot. 

I got hired on with Shutterfly on the Production Design Team. Two words perfectly sum up my feelings of this experience: Dream. Job. The comradery was magical.  It was so fun,  even while working remotely. Alas, the position was seasonal so the joy was short lived.  

My quest for a happy career continued. Slowly.  Poorly.  Discouraging. 

Finally I decided I needed a bigger change and move away from the Art world for a while.  I was tired of being ridiculously talented and not getting recognized for it.

I found a fully new type of job to try out in retail.  I lovely Bridal shop. With lovely people. I learned I was not only capable of this type of work, but I was also quite good at it and I rather enjoy it. 

So that's where I am now! 

I'm still shopping my toes in the waters of change and trial,  so that's not the only place I am.  I also got a job at the airport. 

Piedmont, which is under American Airlines, has been a really fun,  but incredibly challenging place to work.  They're working is like crazy,  full time hours here plus my other job leaves very little time to spend with anyone else,  even my kids and i miss them! 

Be Kind ( a HOW-TO)

I'm hesitant to share this story, but I feel that it's important to for some reason. 

This morning after I drop my kids off at school I stopped at McDonald's to get a couple bags of ice and while I was there I decided to also get a breakfast sandwich. At this particular McDonald's they don't sell bags of ice so I was stuck with just the breakfast sandwich that I didn't even really want. I thought to myself ugh, why am I even here? I thought about just leaving but instead I looked around me and my eyes settled on my driver side mirror which held the face of the man in the truck behind me. 

There wasn't anything particularly special about him. He was in a work, clearly on his way to work. He look like my dad. My heart felt like I should buy his breakfast too. Part of me thought, No, he doesn't need me to buy his breakfast, but then I thought why not? If someone bought my dad's lunch that would be amazing it would make his day and it would make my day to know about. As I was driving the rest of my trip I was thinking about this and why I wanted to serve this stranger. 

I thought of my daughters. 

You see, I give them challenges on the way to school. Little things for them to perform while they're at school. I'm not worried about them being smart. They are smart. I know they're smart. They're good learners and they're going to do well in that area of their lives. 

But I'm more concerned with them being kind and for them to make friends. And not just to make friends but to be a good friend. So I used to tell them to remember to be kind and send them on the way, but now I try to teach them how to be kind. So I give them challenges on the way to school. And then I follow up with them after school to see how it went. 

Here are a few of the simple things I encourage my kids to do:

• Help someone 
• Give a complement
• Hold the door 
• Smile 
• Share
• Sacrifice something you want for someone else
• Comfort someone who looks sad or lonely
• Defend someone / stand up for someone who is picked on
• Etc.

Todays challenge was to complement three people today. Of course they didn't know what the word "compliment" meant so I had to teach them what that meant and then I had them practice on each other. 

It was adorable.

Negative

The covid-19 pandemic has made for an interesting year. I personally have had a lot of good come to me this year, so it's hard to not see the positives: I met a guy who is amazing and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I've enjoyed spending time with my kids and family. I've made art and submitted to galleries. Etc. Nonetheless, there are plenty of negatives. Yes the deaths, the sickness, the masks, the toilet paper shortages, the not getting to see grandma, the list goes on. But the negative that has bothered me the most has been the negative attitude of some. 

I am facebook friends with someone who at the beginning of this whole thing was sharing somewhat sarcastic, yet funny stories. Showing how she has spent her time in isolation. Perhaps it's the lack of social connection, but I have watched her turn bitter. I used to see her story pop up and I'd click to see the silliness or hear her lovely singing voice, but now I usually scroll past! It's been bothering me, but today she made one too many hateful comments on a thread of an incredibly kind and patient person. So I feel the need to respond.

To begin, I must remind you of my circumstance. I am a single mom, who started the year working three jobs. I lost at least one of those and had several weeks with no work at all. The financial strain was significant, to say the least, and I couldn't even apply for unemployment because there were (inaccessible) jobs for us to do around town. Many people have lost jobs or have been unable to work. Others have had to work at places like Walmart just to make ends meet. I have started teaching again, in the classroom. We wear masks and arrange the classroom to allow for social distancing. I feel safe at work and I feel my students are safe in class.

Now here comes the frustration. This girl is also a teacher. She insists that parents want their kids to go back to school because they (1) Don't give a tiny rats a$$ about the teachers safety and well-being, and (2) because moms are selfish and don't want to parent, "Mom wants her brunch with the gals time back." are you freaking kidding me?! She is so incredibly rude, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, ignorant. I can't even. I miss my kids when they are at school, but I know it's good for them.

My kid is gifted. She has had over a week of school and her teacher hasn't figured out how to teach online, so all they do is go over classroom rules (THEY AREN'T EVEN IN A CLASSROOM) and then talk about how confused she is about why she can't see or hear her students. Um, it's your internet. Teach something!!

This girl on facebook is not grateful that she still has a job. That she is getting paid. And that she hasn't had to look for work elsewhere like Costco. Yeah, teachers (good ones), are overworked and underpaid. This is not new and it's not due to coronavirus. She knew what she was getting into when she got into it. Mom's don't want to pawn off their kids to the school because "moms legit want their yoga time back." Mom's want their kids to go to school because they want what's best for their kids. They want their kids to learn. Some also have jobs and need to be able to work. Not everyone is either a mom or in the workplace. Open your mind. And open your eyes! Covid isn't killing EVERYONE!! It is probably safe to go back, at least as safe as it ever was. Did you know people die from the flu every year, and there IS a vaccine for that. Do you remember all the awful school shootings. 

We can't live in fear. 

And wanting to be able to send your kid to school to LEARN is not selfish.

Push Past the Impossible

When I was in labor with Amelia the contractions were coming frequent and hard. I was exhausted, having been in labor for the past 25 hours. I got to the point where my mind and body felt like I couldn't go on another minute, I couldn't endure another contraction, I couldn't do it, and I uttered those words, "I can't do it." My midwife and husband both contradicted me (rude), "you are doing it!" My body gave me a break from every muscle seizing up for a couple blissful minutes that felt like much longer. It gave me the boost of energy I needed to push my beautiful baby out and complete the task that was asked of me. The task I didn't believe I could do. But God made me to do it. He let me endure that incredible pain for a moment so that I could hold my fresh from heaven little angel in my arms. 

I studied Art in college. It was the obvious path for me. I've been creating my entire life with anything and everything. All my teachers and all my peers growing up knew I was an artist because I was always drawing. It was my purpose. I wanted to make art and I felt like I was called to do so. I excelled in my college Art classes, earning scholarships and awards throughout, being called not just the cream of the crop, but the cream of the cream. I was praised and honored. Since I've graduated I haven't reached my dreams or my potential and quite frankly I'm exhausted. I'm done. I'm sick of wanting it and trying and failing. I feel like a hopeless failure. I don't know what the last push looks like here. I don't know how to get past it and be able to hold my dreams in my arms. 

Success is messy. It's hard. It feels impossible at times, and sometimes maybe it is. But showing God that you're willing to work HARD for something, showing Him that you want to achieve something great and are willing to go through exhaustion to get there, that is not overlooked. He sees you. He knows you and loves you. He has a plan for you. Don't worry about disappointing anyone so long as God is pleased with you. That is the goal. Make Him proud and try to see yourself as God sees you, because if you put Him first He already is.

Blessed

I seriously have the best man in my life that I could have asked for. But actually I couldn't have dreamed him up. He treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.

Every day he tells me how much he loves me, and the crazy thing is that I actually really believe him. He says,
"Guess what!"
"What?"
"I freaking love you!"
A couple days ago I was having a hard day and he said this. I told him I love him, too, but then his tone changed and expounded, "No, but seriously, I love you."

A couple weeks ago we were making funny faces at each other, because we're goofballs. And I said, "I can't not smile right now." His response made me cry. He said, "Good. I think that's the best sentence you've ever said. I'm going to make that the goal for the the rest of my life. It's at the top of my to do list everyday in permanent ink."
I didn't know I could be loved like that.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the end of last year. I've started taking medication that helps with it. It has helped a lot and I haven't had bad thoughts since I started it. Like the serious kind of bad thoughts. The kind that ends it all. Until yesterday. I felt like I was relapsing and it made me worry.

What if my medication isn't working anymore? What if I'm taking too high a dose. or too low a dose? Or what if there's something worse that's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be getting better and potentially not needing to taking it in a year, but here I am at the happiest time of my life thinking about throwing myself off the top of the stairs.

It brought a lot of fear into my mind. I retreated from reality as much as I could and tried to hide away. But that only made me feel worse. After I got my kids in bed I went over to Trevor's and we talked and cuddled. We both vulnerably confided in each other about different fears we each have  and he held me as I sobbed. He told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me that we couldn't work through. And he told me that it's okay to feel bad sometimes because he will always be there to hold me.

I freaking love this man.

At the beginning of our relationship he would look at me for a bit and then put his hand out as if he were asking for something. I would look at him questioningly.
"Give it back." He'd say.
"What?"
"My breath."
The first few times I would roll my eyes bashfully, but then I began to blow it back to him like I was blowing bubbles.

I have dozens of these little stories that illustrate just how incredibly lucky I am. But I found a song that says it perfectly.



I prayed him into my life. In college I remember praying for my eternal companion. I would pray for him at that time. I would pray for him to feel God's love for him and even my love for him. I would pray for us to overcome what we were each going through and be ready for each other when we finally found each other. After my divorce and toward the end of my marriage I would pray for a man with the qualities that he has. That I need in a man.

I truly am blessed to have him in my life. He supports me. He loves me. He understands me (and when he doesn't he tries to). He struggles, as I do. And we are committed to be there for each other through our respective mental illnesses. I don't know how I deserve such an incredible man, but I'm grateful for him every single day.

I'm grateful for our similarities. I'm grateful for our differences. I'm grateful for the way he is with my children and I'm grateful that they love him, too. I'm grateful for the strengths we each have and how we compliment each other. I am grateful that God brought us together when He did and how he did. And I'm grateful for His hand in making sure we didn't miss this miracle.

Meeting and choosing each other was miraculous and occurred through divine intervention. We have both gone through a lot. We've both suffered and have endured incredible pain. During those trials, I couldn't understand, I couldn't see the Lords plan. But I was living it. God knew what He was doing. What He was allowing to happen. He understood how the choices being made all around me were affecting where I would end up. I am grateful for this miracle.

Becky had this quote on her wall while I lived with her that influenced me more than I realized at the time. I've thought of it many times over the years and through the darkest and most challenging times of my life.

"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. If we seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added."

-Joseph Smith

(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 256)