Who Am I ??!

Growing up I knew exactly who I was. 

First and foremost, I was a child of God. 

I was a beloved daughter and sister in my family. I was the redheaded, middle-child, artist, who loved to climb trees and play in the mud.

In college I wanted to break out of my shy shell, so I prayed to be more witty. And I made sure to be socially active. As I went to BYU that means a lot of game nights, hikes, movie nights, random adventures, prayer circles, dances, and maybe even a special guest lecturer, and so on.

As I've grown older I've realized one of my key identities has been sister to The Great Becky Boughan (now Walton)! I have always looked up to her. I have always heeded her counsel, and worried about disappointing her. I was a copy of her. And that is no bad thing! Becky is my best friend and I look up to her in every way. And not just because she's taller than I am. 

We walk in sync.

We laugh at the same things.

We look alike, after all, we are twins - separated at birth by two years.

The biggest difference is our hands. We are not identical hand twins. We sometimes joke that we forget which one we are, so we say, "Who am I?" dramatically and check our hands. hahaha. I can't even write that without giggling. We're hilarious. 

But

Then I got married and had to live with a boy. Sure he was smart and funny and hansom. But he wasn't Becky. Now I had to learn who I was as a married woman. Who didn't get to live with her sister, the famous Becky Boughan. It was very hard. Thankfully we didn't live far from each other so we still got to see each other almost everyday. Life was mostly good

But THEN

My husband and I did something we swore we'd never do. We moved back to the hottest, driest, ugliest place we knew of: Arizona. This is where hell fire rains and burns you from the bottom of your feet if you dare go barefoot. Or stings your skin if you leave the cool inside for even a moment. And don't get me started on what can happen in a car... 

But the worst hellfire was when my husband who I had chosen for his spiritual knowledge and dedicated lifestyle, denounced God and turned against me. He seemed to despise me because I wouldn't let go of what I knew to be true. I cannot see light and declare it darkness. Even when I'm having darkness thrown at me like stones used to silence. 

That journey through hellfire was touch-erous. It pushed me to compromise rules that I had lived by in order to be a "good Mormon," and to be like Becky, and to not let her down. But going out to eat with his family on an occasional Sunday or watching an MA show together was worth it in order to try to connect with the man I made a commitment to. But all the compromises seemed to be on my part.

I would sit late at night and write down as many of his good qualities I could think of, which was not easy at this point. I was so broken down. He would write late at night about all the things he disliked about me. Trying vs. not trying, I guess. Or maybe we were just trying for different things. He was trying to push me away, and I was trying to hold on to my life. I felt like a loose tooth about to come, but I was holding on for dear life. Holding on to God. Trusting Him. Waiting for my Sunday.

I was doing the same thing I did with Becky, and if I really think about it, all the rest of the friends I've ever been really close with. I was letting myself mold into someone they would approve of. But who is the person I approve of? What do I even like doing? What genre of book or movie actually interests me? What am I even good at? Now that I've been through a divorce, let me assure you, I know many things I am not good at.

Don't worry, my story gets happy again. I met a great guy, who recognized how amazing I was. he saw past the baggage I was holding from the trauma I endured for two years. He'd hold me and let me cry when I missed my kids. He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Not the greatest fiancé, though. Especially when he ghosted me. Three weeks before our wedding day.

Now I've been abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, stand by me, defend me, and protect me most in the world. Twice. 

So now I ask with earnest heart. WHO AM I?

At the end of my marriage I went to Art to try to remember who I was. I painted a lot of barren desert landscapes. My reasoning was because that is what's real. Have no clue what influence that body of work.

Then I moved on to drawing high emotions. Faces that have felt tragedy. 

But now I feel discouraged by art. I'm insanely talented. My skill that far surpasses people who are making a lot of money and generating a lot of views. I've pivoted to working in aviation and I'm overall incredibly happy there. I like my coworkers and my flight benefits. But I'm still searching for who I am and what I like.

I've thought through every stage of my life. 

Early childhood I remember riding my bike. Following Becky and her friends around. Climbing trees. Playing Super Mario Bros. Watching clouds change shapes. Kitties.

Teen years I learned pottery, printmaking, photography, and broadened my overall artistic knowledge. I like making forts and rivers outside. I went to mutual and girls camp. Becky didn't like girls camp, so I felt some turmoil because I kind of did. I actually thought it was really fun and I liked sliding down the muddy mountain side in the rain, making up silly skits, talking to other girls who weren't the stuck up brats in my ward. I always looked forward to the fourth year, because that's when they got to go kayaking. Becky hated her fourth year. It was too hot and sunny for her. She's more of an indoor princess. But, When my fourth year came we didn't get to do any of that because our state was engulfed in forest fires. But my favorite part of camp was the singing trees. When we all went out to thick trees with our flashlights and sat in our own ward groups. Then one by one each group would shine their light up into the branches and sing our prepared song. it was beautiful. and powerful.

In college I found myself keeping a journal to help work through my thoughts and feelings. I would often go up the Provo canyon to feel peace and think. Just being in nature and letting myself feel grounded was so nourishing to my soul. I went to the temple a lot. And I majored in Art.

The common thing throughout my life that has brought me comfort and joy, other than art, has been nature. Being outside. Being close to God's creations. Even when I was married we would go on hikes. God's earth brings me closer to Him. Which brings me closer to who I am. 

A child of God.