Enough

 I think that Trevor doesn't believe that he's good enough for me.

I don't know if it's a conscious thought or not, but considering some of his comments and choices I think there is a lot more self doubt, loathing, and low self esteem that he struggles with.

A couple years ago when he was in rehab. He grew a lot and healed a lot and study a lot of spiritually strengthening material. I was really proud of the progress he was making. I was never ashamed of him or his mental health disease. Nevertheless, when we would talk on the phone he would express a fear that I may not like him or want to be with him when he got out.

When he was released we went to the temple grounds to enjoy the peace of it and spend some quiet moments together. He asked me if I wanted to ponder there at the temple to have the guidance to walk away from him. 

Both of these experiences left me perplexed. The fact that he could keep trying to be better - even in the midst of a heavy burden that takes the strength out of your decision making and sucks the literal life out of you - showed me how strong he was.

The fact that we both wanted to go to the temple to spend time with God made me feel safe and loved.

But he feared.

Feared what, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps he feared that I wouldn't love him if he didn't need me. Need me to be strong for him. To be a guiding light for him. Need me to fix him. But that is never why I loved him or chose him. Not entirely. I'm glad that I was strong enough to save him. I was the one who took care of him and monitored him when he had to detox. I was the one who broke through the door to give him CPR when he collapsed in the bathroom. 

~~~~~

Then just this last week he asked me if he could fly somewhere and I told him that I had taken him off my flight benefit. He was surprised. My answer also surprised him. And disappointed him. I told him I had to come to terms with him not wanting to be committed to me anymore. 

"What?!?" He protested and then asked if it was a recent realization after having spent the day hanging out by the temple? 

I told him NO. and that I have been holding out hope. Praying for him to want me. Coming too close to not existing anymore. And honestly, EVERY time I have prayed about him, I get an undeniable positive feeling. I wish I could feel like God disapproved of him. It would make it so much easier to walk away.

But we have been spending time together. We've been talking and sharing. Hence his knowledge of me going to the temple. And he expressed that he thought it was going really well, not committed yet, "but I thought it was going good not bad."

I'm reteaching my brain and heart to not hope for things when I hear this. Like maybe we're on the path that will lead to that. I don't want to be on that path. That path is muddy and stickery and haunted and leads to a dead-end. I'm not interested. Nope. No thank you.

~~~~~

When we first started dating I asked him if he was going to leave me for an ex girlfriend that he was secretly still in love with. He told me no way! And that he loved me. 

Well wouldn't you know it. His rebound is an ex girlfriend who is also an addict. I feel like he's not afraid to be a shit human being around her because she is also a shit human being. The problem is that he is not a shit human being. He just thinks he is.

I have actually considered if I'm wrong.

I do know that the fact that he's not ready to recommit to m Maybe they are meant to be together. Maybe I was just a place holder for him while she was married to REDACTED I don't know. But if I believe the things God had shown me, I really don't believe that.e makes me feel like shit.

~~~~~

I want us to be committed to each other. But I don't want to get married for a long time! Unless we eloped in secret. But that wouldn't change our lives drastically. No one would know, and I would get to have a secret life like a spy. Without having to quit all my jobs and actually be a spy. I've always secretly dreamed of being a spy.

I know what I want. But I also know I want to live my life to the fullest, and if he wants to be part of it then it will have to fit in to my life. And if he eventually wants what I want, and I still want what I want now, then I will make room for him.