out of the house of bondage

I've been so disappointed with God and His direction in my life lately. I feel like my life is pointless. The only thing I have to live for is my kids, but I don't know how good of an example I can be to them when I feel like this. I know I don't want them to be raised by an atheist, and losing their mother would be so traumatic. It would be too selfish on my part. 

I have lost all confidence in my decision making. I thought I was a good judge of character. I thought I was in tune with what the Lord had in store for me. And i know the directing l received time and time again was from the Lord. 

I'm deeply saddened by the fact that Trevor is not the man he was and wanted to be when he was with me. Now he's completely floundering. He's a compulsive liar. He's replaced his addiction to drugs with an obsession with riches and sex. 

Mosiah 12:26-29

26 I say unto you, wo be unto you for perverting the ways of the Lord! For if ye understand these things ye have not taught them; therefore, ye have perverted the ways of the Lord. 

27 Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore, ye have not been wise. Therefore, what teach ye this people? 

28 And they said: We teach the law of Moses. 

29 And again he said unto them: If ye teach the law of Moses why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people, yea, even a great evil against this people?

He used to confide in me his true feelings of the sins he fell into. How horrible it made him feel. He used to treat me like a goddess. In awe of me. In love with me. I was his best friend and he would tell people often. He would communicate and be soft and real. And not cover up and hide behind jokes and sarcasm. 

Now he uses the voice he uses around his family with me. Loud and obnoxious. Trying to push me away. Just like he does with them. I feel like he died. I feel like I'm mourning a death. 

I miss him.