If you know me very well then you know that I sing all the time.
If you know me fairly well you would not know that.
But I was singing I STAND ALL AMAZED just now to my kids and then I told them that Jesus loves them so much that He died for them and He loves them so much that He lives for them.
"I also love you enough to die for you. And I love you enough to live for you."
And that is sometimes harder.
#depression
I did it. I walked away.
The first day I felt light and free. Like I finally took the step I needed to begin moving on and moving closer to God.
This week has been so hard. I really miss my best friend. I'm sad he's gone. Trevor has chosen to be someone else. He's chosen to lean into his dark side. The side that doesn't feel bad about sinning. The side that his greatest ambition is to get better at poker. The side that cheats on me and treats me like an object.
He has disrespected me and has lied to me even when asked directly.
I want the Trevor who wants to be right with God. I want the man who defends my honor and protects me from being called names even in jest.
I'm devastated that I lost him. That he's not here anymore. And I'm disgusted with who he's choosing to be.
I'm going through so much emotional turmoil that i feel physically sick. i have that cool sweat you get before you throw up.
I have been spending time with him again. and sometimes it's really great. but i know he's lying to me. and everyone else in his life. he's self sabotaging and he's dragging me through his shit storm all over again.
i know i should walk away. if i were my friend going through this i would tell her to drop this loser. but my heart loves him. and i know how good he has been to me. but now, unfortunately that is more like seeing his potential, and not who he is now. I'm disappointed.
I've been so disappointed with God and His direction in my life lately. I feel like my life is pointless. The only thing I have to live for is my kids, but I don't know how good of an example I can be to them when I feel like this. I know I don't want them to be raised by an atheist, and losing their mother would be so traumatic. It would be too selfish on my part.
I have lost all confidence in my decision making. I thought I was a good judge of character. I thought I was in tune with what the Lord had in store for me. And i know the directing l received time and time again was from the Lord.
I'm deeply saddened by the fact that Trevor is not the man he was and wanted to be when he was with me. Now he's completely floundering. He's a compulsive liar. He's replaced his addiction to drugs with an obsession with riches and sex.
Mosiah 12:26-29
26 I say unto you, wo be unto you for perverting the ways of the Lord! For if ye understand these things ye have not taught them; therefore, ye have perverted the ways of the Lord.
27 Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore, ye have not been wise. Therefore, what teach ye this people?
28 And they said: We teach the law of Moses.
29 And again he said unto them: If ye teach the law of Moses why do ye not keep it? Why do ye set your hearts upon riches? Why do ye commit whoredoms and spend your strength with harlots, yea, and cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people, yea, even a great evil against this people?
He used to confide in me his true feelings of the sins he fell into. How horrible it made him feel. He used to treat me like a goddess. In awe of me. In love with me. I was his best friend and he would tell people often. He would communicate and be soft and real. And not cover up and hide behind jokes and sarcasm.
Now he uses the voice he uses around his family with me. Loud and obnoxious. Trying to push me away. Just like he does with them. I feel like he died. I feel like I'm mourning a death.
I miss him.
