The Year is Dying

Change is upon me. It's time to let go of the past so I can be ready to embrace what the future holds. I like this version of this song, though I miss the eire tones. 

Christmas Letter and a Little Ditty

I've been wanting to write a christmas letter, but I didn't know what to share. It all seems too boring.

I'm still working at the Gilbert Community Center as a teacher and enjoy it a lot. I facilitated a Self-Reliance class this year to learn how to start and grow a business. I was also called to serve in the Activities Committee in my midsingles ward. I was in a Calee Reed video. I got to know Henry Ammar. I have made a lot of Art. I started working out almost everyday. I love it. I've lost over twenty pounds this year - I slimmed down and toned up. I have dated and have had the good and bad that come from puting my heart back out there. I have had to adjust to being single again (it's sucks). I am divorced and miss my kids when they're with their dad. I started therapy. I began dying my hair last year when my divorce was finalized and I really like it dark brown, but I made the mistake of going blonde for the summer. I hated it. My skin is too fair to pull it off. I much prefer the dark to contrast the pale, it reminds me of Manet. Blah blah blah. So boring.

Amelia started Kindergarten and is far beyond this level of learning. We wanted to move her to first grade but didn't end up making it happen. I wanted her to adjust socially, so she stayed put. She will likely be in honors classes later on and receive scholarships for college like her parents. She is incredibly talented and won a FIRST place BLUE ribbon at the Arizona state fair for her artwork!! Just like her momma used to <3 She loves to make people laugh, draw, pray and remind others of the good in life. She is aware of so much. It's hard to believe that such a big girl is in such a little six-year-old body.

Eva is the sweetest little five-year-old. She loves to cuddle and use her imagination. She never stops talking, and it's not usually to me. It's usually in her own land of make believe. She likes stuffed animals and puppet shows, and sharing what she learns in preschool. She knows all about different arctic animals and we love hearing about them. She is silly and smart, and kind, and considerate. If she hears of a need she will go out of her way to help without even being asked.

I love to see the light of Christ in my children. It makes me think I'm doing something right. We live our daily life centered on Christ, and love this season because it let's us celebrate Him and all He's done for us.

 

Not a very creative letter this year, but I haven't been feeling excited about being creative lately. If you want to revisit a letter from Christmas Past, check out this fun one from 2016.

Or if you want something AWESOME! check out this silly ditty. 



You know Mercury and Venus and Earth and Mars
Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and Neptune
But do you recall
The smallest planet of all
Pluto the ninth planet
Way out on the edge of space
Is spherical and has an orbit, but
Got demoted to a dwarf
All of the NASA scientists
Gathered together to say
You're too small to be a planet
You don't dominate your space
Then one foggy year or two ago
Everyone came to say
That's messed up, right?
Pluto, everyone's a fan
We'll make you a planet again
Then all the school kids loved it
And they shouted out with glee - yipee!
Pluto always was a planet
Don't you try to change history

Forgive our voices, we were literally trying so hard not to laugh. Because we're hilarious. This was not our first attempt and it shouldn't have been our last, but THIS has gotten me excited about being creative again. We have many more parodies in the works, and big plans for this series.

Mother Like Mary

Aubri Erbe is an extraordinary person.

She is funny and talented and I'm glad she's my friend. She's the only one I can be sarcastic with during church. A couple weeks ago we were talking in RS about ways we can be truly converted. Someone made a comment about how if she wants to watch less Netflix she needs something to replace it with. I said to Aubri, "Disney+" Obviously this illustrates the quality of friend and person she is. Well today she sang a solo in Sacrament meeting and it was exquisite and divine. Her flawless voice pierced my heart and brought me to tears instantly, along with most of the rest of the congregation. She sang my favorite Christmas song: Mary's Lullaby.



The first time I heard it, well, the first time my heart heard this song was shortly after my first baby, Amelia, was born. It brought me to tears then, too. I related to Mary so deeply and I haven't let go of that connection with Her. I have spent time creating art about her and what she must have felt and what she went through. I feel like I was better able to understand her after having given birth. And I continue to learn more about her journey through my own journey.

She had to sacrifice time with her child. She had to watch Him suffer. She was supportive and remained an example to Him and those around her. She endured and encouraged and loved the Dear One. She knew He was a king when she held the tiny babe in her arms, and she was able to recognize the precious time she had with Him.

I want to be a mother like Mary. Courageous and strong. Full of faith, hope, and peace.

Trust, Tithes, and Talents

There are likely few topics I have not heard about from the anti and exmo standpoint. I spent two years hearing about these from my (now ex) husband. I wasn't allowed to pay tithing during those dark years. This topic has been around for a long time. I don't know why it's surfacing now or why it's getting attention.

Austin told me all about how the Church has all this money. That they buy real estate and other things. And how the buildings or land that they've invested in are not used to help the saints. It's not like it's apartments that are for the poor, widows, or fatherless (hm, sounds familiar...). It's other things that don't have to do with the church.

Honestly, this never bothered me. At. All. I don't see what the big deal is. I tried sharing my feelings on the matter but it was like, my mouth would move, but he couldn't hear the words coming out. It's an investment to grow the funds and it was what Jesus Christ, himself, taught. He teaches us this principle in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14-30.

The Lord gave five talents to one, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. The first two servants multiplied what they were give and were blessed for it. The Lord is showing us that if we invest and grow our talents, we, too, will be blessed.

Of course this principle is expected to be utilized in His church. When we pay Tithes and Offerings we are giving that percentage to the Lord, and showing Him that we trust Him to use it wisely. We are giving it to the Lord, and therefore it is not ours to have a say in how He uses it. The Lord doesn't want any of His resources wasted. Remember, He can see the end from the beginning. He knows what He's doing. He has a plan.

15  And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16  Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
17  And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.

21 (& 23)  His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

_____

The third servant did nothing with his talent, and was punished for it. He lost everything instead of gaining everything. If we do not use our money wisely we will lose it. I think of this in two ways, being idol, and being ignorant.

If you do nothing with what the Lord gives you, you will lose it. You will show Him that you care not and are ungrateful. And if you use what you're given selfishly, or in the mindset of entitlement, or carelessness you show Him that you are not able to handle what He's given you, and thus, He will take it away.

18  But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.

26  His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
27  Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
28  Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.



The Church has made a statement and a few videos, to help others understand, which I watched after I wrote the first part of this. I think I am a wise, faithful servant of God and I want to do all I can to help build His kingdom. This topic isn't a difficult one for me. In fact, I think it's dumb that people are making a problem out of this. It seems to me like they are just looking for something to complain about or a reason to hate. That is not what God wants or what Christ taught.

I may haver trust issues, but I have always trusted God. I know He knows what He's doing. Even if I can't understand His plan, I still trust Him.

Getting Drinks is different than Getting Drunk

This past weekend and week has been really good!

Over the weekend I had several parties to hop and friends to spend time with. I had work and I had church meetings. I am a member of the activities committee, under two co-chairs. Things are rearranging a little, so they are grooming me for a more hands on roll. One of the co-chairs has been out of town and the other is super busy this week what with being in love and graduating all at the same time... So they asked me to attend a co-chair meeting on Tuesday evening on their behalf.

Tuesday was a very full day. I had therapy, or as I call it, HankMed. I updated him on what's been going on in my life since my birthday. He pointed out that it sounded like the dumb guy I had been seeing was maybe getting the physical stuff from me and the emotional stuff from someone else. But I think that is not really how it was. We had been friends for a long time, and we spent so much time talking and not having the physical side for so long. Once we finally made that a part of our relationship, I don't know, I think it was well-rounded.

Later I had a psych evaluation so I can get the medication that will help me feel like me all the time, and not have to deal with the lows, and feeling alone and unneeded. That was a very positive experience.

From this appointment I had to go straight to my meeting with the co-chairs. When this meeting was starting my friend asked me to join him for dinner, and I told him I could come once the meeting was over, I didn't realize it would be a two hour long meeting, but it was necessary.

We discussed the upcoming activities and how to be better unified with the rest of the leadership of the ward. We also discussed who would be a good replacement for David after he moves to Utah. They nominated me and I accepted. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to take over after him because he's done such an amazing job. But I'm excited to have a more involved calling. It's something I've missed and I think it will help me feel like I belong.

I ended up meeting my friend afterward and he asked me to get a drink with him.

It's funny because this doesn't usually happen in our culture. We ended up sitting and talking at the bar until 11 PM. Calm down, it was at Denny's where we sipped our strawberry milkshakes. When I got home I chatted with Henry Ammar and a couple other people a little before I went to sleep.

Laundry is the Death of Me

I live in a tiny house, and I have reduced a lot of what I used to own because I really want to be a minimalist. I used to be all about the free stuff and candy, and I never worked out. But it was because I wasn't taught to and who doesn't love free stuff? Me, as it turns out. I have changed a lot over the past few years! I almost never eat candy, and when I do it's not satisfying. I also work out every day.

So today, when I went to change into my work out clothes and found all my laundry in one great big pile, I was, to say the least, a little stressed.

Let me back up. Because I live in a tiny house I don't have a lot of room for laundry. My kids have some clothes in drawers and I keep some clothes in a closet in my house and I actually transformed the shower to be a tall closet where I can hang my long dresses and winter coat.

This means I shower in my parents house (which is next door) So I keep the rest of my clothes in my room in my parents house. I have several laundry baskets in different piles on the floor. One is of my clothes, another is my clean underwear, another is my kids clothes, then there's the dirty laundry, and then there's the clothes that aren't mine that keep getting thrown in with my stuff, and finally the clothes that are too small for my kids. I had it all organized, though, apparently, it looked like piles of laundry. So I guess my sister decided it was her job to go destroy my life by throwing everything on the freaking bed. Thanks.

All of my clean underwear is now mixed in with my dirty underwear and everything has to be washed and sorted all over again. Super fun surprise.

Hey, it's Christmas time, so if you want I could have her bring the joy to you, as well. Meanwhile, I'll be here. Screaming into a pillow.

Art Business

I haven't been making much art lately. Actually I haven't made any art in the past couple weeks. I feel like I get two things from making art:

1. I feel fulfillment and peace in my soul
2. I feel a sense of failure and a fear of rejection

I have been dealing with enough rejection lately, and I don't want to be reminded that I am even failing at what I am best at - making art.

I was recently rejected in love, and it hurt a lot because this guy was someone I would have married, but he chose someone else over me. I can't seem to get over the sense of rejection, but the constant pain and ache has subsided. I have remembered that I had interest in other guys before I chose him. I had been dating a lot, well maybe not a lot, but every week, which is a lot for me. I have to remember the possibilities ahead of me, and not  focus on the fact that my heart hasn't resonated with anyone else as well as it did with him in a very long time.

I think it's natural for me to think of the men in my life who I would have been happy to (or did) marry. My mind has spent time thinking about Matt and what I wish I had done differently. I have always held back and been hesitant to come on too strong. I don't like to pry. I don't want someone to feel like I am obsessed with them. I'm a whole person and I want to be seen as such.

I tried to not do this with Morgan. I think I was somewhat successful, though I still held a lot back.

But with Matt, even though we spent two years together, I didn't push it. For example, I wanted to know more about his dad and what happened there, but I wanted him to tell me without having to pry. Looking back, I think he would have appreciated it if I had asked more questions about that. He told me when he had a dream about his dad (it was on a camping trip we took together and he spent time to write the experience in his journal in the morning). He told me about different traditions they had together. There were opportunities to ask more, but I kept my questions to myself. I wish I had been a better emotional support for him.

I miss him. I've always missed him. Even when I was married.

Usually I would make art and I would feel better, but lately I have been disappointed with my success in my Art business. I have realized that I am an amazing artist, I am not a struggling Artist, I'm a struggling Business Owner. I know where I want to be and go, I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to do it. I took one class in college about the business side of things, but they should have spent more time teaching us that we, as Studio Art majors, were actually Business majors focusing on Art.

Dear Sister

An Open Letter to the Woman (or man)...

Who feels alone and hopeless but you haven't given up hope.
Who can't speak up or reach out because you don't think you have anyone who will understand.
Who has to help plan a Valentine's day "LOVE" themed Activity while going through a divorce.
Who is not allowed to pay tithing or go to the temple.
Who feels forgotten and overlooked.
Who doesn't feel like you fit in at church or anywhere else.
Who has crumbled into a heap of agonizing pain, with shoulders shaking from heaving sobs.
Who is starved of spiritual light.
Who makes a decision everyday to hold on to the faith, even though everyday it becomes a little more difficult.

I see you.

I hear you. I know how you feel and what you're going through. Because I WAS YOU! I lived it. I survived it. You are not alone. You are loved. Even if you can't see it or feel it. I need you to know it.

You do have a support group. You do have a voice. USE IT.  Reach out. If you don't feel you can tell your mom, or your sister, or your kids, or your bishop, or your ministering person, or anyone else, you can reach out to me! I will listen. I will pray with and for you. I will share my story so you can share yours.

Don't give up hope! You've come this far, hold on a little longer. I know it's hard, but it's worth it! God loves you! And He knows you and what you're going through. I know you can't see it yet, but the end of this trial is near. I promise.

Maybe I'm still that girl but now I have a voice. Now I've been liberated. I am free. And I am stronger for what I've been through. And you will be, too.

Thirties, and Flirty, and Thriving?

There are a few things I have learned from being single in my thirties. First of all, things are more complicated than when I was single in my twenties. Back then life was fun and new and exciting. Sure there was heartache, but it was mild in comparison with what I've dealt with the past few years. Well, I don't know, I've had three major heartaches in my life, one was my husband, and one was Matt, who was before my husband, so in my twenties. The point I'm making, though, is that there's more history and baggage to deal with now.

There has been one major complication that I think is more common in this age group. It is something that has interfered in two of my relationships within the past year (so... both of them). I have learned that in dating in my thirties, I need to always ask a specific question early on:

"Are you secretly in love with someone else."

I was aware of the first one. I knew they had a history, I just didn't know what it was. I also didn't develop interest purposefully. He was my friend. The more I got to know him the more I saw qualities my heart had been missing in a partner for a very long time. His testimony shined through. His interests matched mine. His sense of humor and intellect were up to my standards. I was still cautious and hesitant to move forward, especially since this wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to date first thing after my divorce. I wanted to date around, kiss some guys, and make some bad decisions. This guy was no bad decision. Until he was.

The second time it happened I was blindsided. This next guy spent months showing me that he liked me and making me blush and annoying me with his attention. Once I chose to let him in he seemed to pull away. I had no inklings of another girl. I didn't know that it was a necessary question to ask. I didn't realize what was holding him back. Now I know.

Next time, before my heart gets involved, I'll ask the damn question.

I usually edit out the swear words before I publish my posts, but this really just makes me so mad. I'm annoyed that I have to deal with the complexities of dating in my thirties and I'm doubtful I will find someone who doesn't have hang ups and baggage like this and is still able to meet my needs and understand the hardship I've gone through.

I'm a really good person. And humble, too. But I really do want others to be happy. For example, there's this guy I sort of have a crush on, but I think he's secretly in love with this other girl (So obviously my type, right). I look at them and I literally predict their interactions, and I think, Why the crap are you not dating? For them, it should be easy. They seem to be compatible, why are you hesitating? Is it because you're both in your thirties and I'm guessing you've both been through some hard ship?

I am actually really happy for the first guy. I'm pretty sure he's been in love with this other girl for like three years and he's finally making it happen. It doesn't bother me to see them together. I also really appreciate him talking to me before he made things publicly official with them. He didn't need to, our friendship had basically ended, but he did anyway.

His arms were full and I offered to help him carry his load to his car. He declined but told me he wanted to clarify something he had said a few months prior (when we had stopped dating). He said that he could go on dates with me but he couldn't fall in love because of this other girl. He told me that I had done everything right and to keep doing what I was doing. He said kind things to me that he didn't have to say, but he did because, like I said before, he's just that kind of guy.

The second guy didn't talk to me beforehand. I don't know what he was thinking or why he didn't think about how it would look or how it would affect me. He did eventually reach out to explain what had happened. I think about how my life would have been simplified if he had just been up front with me. If he hadn't spent months showering me with attention and then accepting my affection. I still feel sick when I think I might have to see him again. It makes me not want to go anywhere. But I know I shouldn't live my life in fear, because that's not really living.

While I was processing this information I was feeling down on myself for having, yet again, been the person to push someone I care about into someone else's arms. I felt like God was playing a joke on me - I have felt like this before during my marriage. I felt like God was using me as a steppingstone and I was so sick of being walked on and stepped over. When will it be my turn? Do I not get to have love? Will I ever get to be chosen? I took my whiny and pathetic questions to the Lord and He answered, saying:

I have orchestrated this all for you. His pain was for you. So that you could get to know him. So that you could learn from him. You were not his steppingstone, he was yours. 

I shared this with my sister who thought it was profound. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, but looking at the quality of men I have had in my life since my divorce (or even before that), I think it's going to be pretty awesome. Whether there's a man in it or not. I wouldn't say I'm thriving, but I am striving to put my trust in the Lord, and that's pretty close.



I have spoken.

One More Down

Here are a few things I got out of our relationship:

1. Passion
I am a passionate person and I deserve someone who is also a passionate person. I learned that I can have what I want.

2. Momentary Happiness
If we knew the end from the beginning we would not find as much joy in this life as we can because we don't know the end from the beginning.

For example, if I could remember the plan for my life from the preexistence, I would have remembered that I was going to marry this amazing guy and we're going to have two beautiful little girls and then he was going to leave the church and break my heart. And then we were going to get divorced. Then I would meet some other guys, some great and some crappy, but then I would finally meet my eternal companion. If I could remember this, all of the process would have been a chore. I wouldn't have been able to truly love Austin. I wouldn't have been able to truly be devoted to him because I would have known the end from the beginning. I would have known that it wasn't going to last for eternity because of his choices and that would have taken so much joy and happiness away from me.

The purpose of this life is the Plan of Happiness. The veil is a key part in the plan of happiness so that we can't know the end from the beginning, no matter how much we may wish we could because that would rob us of our happiness.

3. Experience
I got experience. I got heartbreak. I got frustration. I got to bond with my girlfriends because of the things that he's put me through. I got time with this person. He's a son of God and I got to get to know him as such. I think there's good in him, though I'm confused and hurt by his actions.

Worst Case Scenario

When I started working for the government they told us that we were at a higher risk of public shootings. Especially since I worked at the recreation center. There were always an abundant amount of carefree casualties around. We had a life guard who was fired because he went crazy and told someone, maybe his therapist that he wanted to shoot the place up. We had to think about what we would do in that situation, understanding our roles as teachers and therefore protectors. I made a plan as to how I would keep my students and myself safe. I thought about it a lot.

I like to know my surroundings. I don't like it when people are behind me. Whether they are walking, or standing, or whatever the situation, I like to have my eyes on them. It lets me feel like I'm in control. I feel like I have a choice to acknowledge them and discern whether I am safe or need to fight or flee.

I'm one of those people who thinks about the worst case scenario. When I drive on the freeway I am constantly checking the lanes beside me in case I have to swerve out of the way for any number of reasons I could give you. One that comes to mind at this time is wrong way drivers. Sometimes, though, instead of envisioning avoiding the accident, I imagine a different conclusion. It's not that I would cause anything to happen. It's not that I really want something to happen. It's just, sometimes...

A Bobbing Knight

I'm not going to make many friends by saying this, but when I was in high school I was not at all impressed with Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was actually rather offended by it and my mind was scarred with one scene in particular. If you know it, you know it.

There was a knight in the forest who stood up to those who tried to cross him. He consistently stood his ground. Then someone came and fought him. He had his arm cut off during the fight and blood spewed out. Denying it's severity he claimed it was just a scratch and that he'd had worse. Then the other arm was cut off, this time losing his sword wielding arm, and more blood gushed from the new vacancy. "Tis but a flesh wound" he declared, resiliently, and began fighting with his legs and feet. His leg gets cut off but he continues bobbing around like a determined idiot, throwing threats like he's tied to a chair in Alias (sorry, that's a different soap box). "What are you going to do? Bleed on me?" He finally loses his other leg and is left limbless in the wilderness. Still, he confidently calls after them to take what's coming to them, reminding them he still has his mouth. He's still got fight in him. Nothing was able to get him down... well emotionally. He is significantly shorter after having lost both legs.

This past Sunday I have finally found what to do with this absurd and repulsive scene. It's only been fifteen years or so since it seared itself into my mind.

In Relief Society we discussed the talk Consistent and Resilient Trust By Elder L. Todd Budge.

President Russell M. Nelson taught, “The joy the Savior offers [us] … is constant, assuring us that our ‘afflictions shall be but a small moment’ [Doctrine and Covenants 121:7] and be consecrated to our gain.” Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy.
The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning—a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.

We talked about the brother of Jared, who had concerns about the Lord’s design for the barges. He prayed saying, “O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me. And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light. O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?”

Then we were asked, "What concerns have you taken to the Lord?"

Of course I thought of my period of darkness and how I think we all have to pass through darkness in order to better know and love the light. A few month ago my friend gave a talk about being reborn and becoming something better. He began by talking about when a spirit comes to earth, it spends nine months in darkness before coming into this world when it's born. He finished with an analogy of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It too, must spend time in darkness to become something greater and fulfill it's potential.

Others shared the hard things they've gone through. From the death of a loved one to the marriages of younger siblings. Just being in a mid-singles ward shows that we've all been through something hard and we've all had concerns that we've persevered through.

So to relate the scene to what I learned on Sunday, I see myself in this ridiculous bobbing knight. I see us all in him. Faithful and enduring, "I move for no man." Immovable in the face of certain death, trusting in God's plan for each of us. Never giving up the fight, no matter how much it seems we lose.



It was a really good talk and I would encourage reading it here.
Also, for your enjoyment or utter disgust:

I'm Failing

I feel like I'm failing in every way.

I try to be a good mom. I want to be there for my kids like my mom was there for me and my sisters, but I don't know how to do it all.

I want to be successful as an artist and not have to teach, but people don't want to buy art from me.

I want to find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, but I can't find that person who I also want to be with.

I want to be calm and happy and not overreact about stupid little things, but sometimes I do get angry and frustrated and so depleted of energy that little things that don't matter will set me off. And then it will either come out in tears or in swearing. And I hate that about myself most of all.

I wish I didn't want to be married. I wish I had chosen a different path. I wish I didn't suck at life. I need to figure out how to pay my bills and give my children Christmas. I hate that when they ask for things I have to tell them no because I don't have money to buy whatever it is they are wanting. I am grateful that they do have grandparents and aunts who spoil them sometimes, but it hurts to know that I can't do that for them right now. I want so badly to give them everything, and feel like I'm able to give nothing.

I feel empty.

Thankful for the Good Times

Each day of November I like to recognized something for which I am thankful. It's a wonderful exercise that I enjoy doing. In fact, I've been having my kids do this regularly - list the things for which they are grateful. It usually goes something like this:

1. Mom
2. Amelia/Eva
3. Rain and rainbows
4. Jesus
5. Every other family member listed by name and so on.

Today I want to talk about something I'm thankful for that I don't usually let myself think about. I'm thankful for Austin. I'm grateful for what I had with him. Because when it was good, it was really good!

I'm thankful for kissing. I'm thankful for making babies together. I'm thankful for those babies. I'm thankful he liked hiking and that we could explore this beautiful world together. I'm thankful he took me to the temple and made covenants with me, even if he hasn't held up his side. I'm thankful for the silly, the happy, and the funny. I'm thankful for the kindness and for the passion. For the tender and the sweet and that he could make me laugh. I'm thankful for the good times.


I've been thinking about him a lot this week. I've actually been missing him.

I've mourned losing him and I think of him as two different people. My Austin, the man I fell in love with all those years ago, who was my best friend; and then this new Austin, the stranger I don't much like. I sometimes forget that my guy is still in there, at least partly. But the last week or so I've been thinking about him.

My sister-in-law had a baby on the 30th. She was alone on her couch. The ambulance didn't arrive in time. She had Austin come. He was truly the best birth partner I could have asked for. I can't imagine having babies with anyone else. He filled his roll as helpmeet and stayed calm and confident in me the whole time. I'm really thankful for him and for that time of my life.

I think I may not be done mourning Austin. I miss him and I hate when I'm reminded of who he used to be.

On Monday morning I texted him about Eva having fallen down. When she trips while running she doesn't put her hands up to brace herself or protect herself from the fall. She just bodyslams the ground scraping her knees, shoulders, and face. I don't think that is an instinct you have to learn. I asked him to observe her. Later that day he texted me something that made me laugh out loud. I miss his sense of humor.

So today, when I dropped off the girls, he wasn't wearing clothes, as usual. He was at least wearing shorts. But instead of reminding me of how gross he is and the choices he's made, it reminded me of a little home video clip from early in our marriage. He did a silly magic trick that made me laugh, so I asked him to do it again so I could record it. He was only in his garments so I asked him to either put a shirt on or take it off (I didn't want to record sacred things).

I don't know why life turns out the way it does. I have a theory that God knows what we don't want  most in the world and then gives it to us to see how we'll react. Or to show ourselves how we'll react. I drew a cartoon of one of my biggest fears when I was in college. It was of my sisters and me as old cat ladies. Becky, in her wing back chair, was reading. Kimber, in her rocking chair, was sewing. And I was probably laying on the floor making art. Our cats filled the rest of the space. I didn't realize then that there was a more difficult fate for me. My sisters are both married with babies around the same age. And my cat doesn't love me.

Choose Happy

It's been just over a year since my divorce was finalized. But my life as I knew it was over three years ago. I have had three years to cope and recover from losing my husband. While I did it alone, it would have been nice to have a support group of people who were like me. Whether it was exmosos (ex mormon significant others), single moms, widows, or any other human going through something blindingly hard. Honestly, I would have even settled for a pet, but I wasn't allowed to have one, even though I lived on a farm.

I couldn't let people in. I couldn't talk about it. If I did it would have made it too real. I couldn't face it. I kept hoping things would change. I kept praying for God to undo it. Where's the undo button in life? I wanted my husband to come back to God and to me. I felt unheard. But then I got an answer. It was an answer I didn't want, "This is not the question you should be asking." This was not the way forward.

I was depressed.

My perception was warped. I was alone. There were people who would have loved me, who have been there for me, but they didn't know what was going on. Or what I was going through. I can think of specific people who have reached out and shown they cared about me. A few (not all) are Julia, Mary, Eliza, my mom, Kimber, and of course Marrie, but she did pry her way into my life at the moment I absolutely needed her. I am thinking of more at this very moment, but no one wants to ready a list of names...

I needed to recognize what I had, but I couldn't see it. The mists of darkness I was living in were too thick to see all the good around me unless I worked really hard to actively look for it. Which I did. I've always looked for the good in my situation. I could recognize the good around me in the beauty of the earth, even during that time. I taught my children to take in a beautiful sunset, the plants in the neighborhood, and the birds singing in the trees.

I'm usually a happy person. Able to see the good. Able to smile. Able to be grateful. Able to choose God. Able to be positive. Able to choose to be happy.

It's one of my favorite choices. To choose what makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. But occasionally, when I have a high, I will also have a low that follows. I feel like me most of the time. I can choose to be happy and hopeful most of the time. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can barely choose to get out of bed. And some of those times I can't even do that. That is not me or who I want to be. On the flip side, there are times where I feel I accelerate into frustration. I have been praying for help in this area of my life. For a long time. I just want to be me all the time. I think I've finally accepted my answer.

I found a therapist. He gets me to open up and I like talking with him. He is different from me, but we share core values and he  has shown me that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. He's also talked with me about how I can take control of my life again, and that there is no shame in it.

Heavenly Father can fix everything just the way we want, but He's not going to do that. That would take away so much growth for each of us. And it would keep us from the future He has in mind for us, which is far better than the future we can imagine for ourselves. Having said that, I think He wants us to choose for ourselves what we want. And I think He trusts us that we can recognize what does make us happy and brings us closer to Him.

A couple months ago I received a blessing. I will often feel like I need a blessing, but I'll go as long as I can without getting one. I had actually asked my dad for a blessing, but, I don't know, maybe he thought I was joking. Anyway, I had a couple members of the Elder's Quorum presidency come visit me and get to know me. I shared with them the positive things in my life and talked a lot about what was going right in my life. One of them lives down the street from me and has a daughter my age. He and his wife have been role models to me and I have looked up to them for most of my life. I'm incredibly grateful for the influence they've had on me over the years. He recently had a son get divorced, and it was ugly. He had a lot of sympathy for me and the situation I find myself in.

Before these two brethren left they were trying to figure out a way to offer me help. They know my dad, a general contractor and go-to guy of the ward, but they asked if they could give me a blessing. It caught me off guard and made me pause. I needed a blessing and wanted one. I accepted the offer. And while the one seemed to better understand what I was currently going through, I asked the other man who I've known for a quarter of a century to give it.

In this blessing he said several beautiful things. He talked about how the Lord doesn't want anyone to have to go through divorce, but the burden has been placed on my shoulders due to no actions on my part. He said I will be strengthened to be able to carry my burdens, to lift them and even have them be removed. But my favorite part, that he emphasized in the blessing, was when he said that I would soon know the reason why. The blessing continued with other personal things, but this part gives me the most hope. Hope is never lost. At the time I received the blessing I was feeling like I needed to put the walls back up around my heart and not let anyone else in because I had been hurt too many times. But that's not what God wants. That's not choosing happy.

Over the summer I felt strongly that I needed to do something I didn't want to do. It took me a month of wrestling with it, but I finally did it. It did not go the way I had hoped, but I could feel the urgency and importance of it. I knew I had been directed by God to do it. And I trusted that. Answers have come. And I feel happy about it now. Following the voice of the Spirit always matters.

1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Sacrifice to be Happy

I have this thing where I think people don't want to talk to me about the things I want and need to talk about. And I hate the idea of taking up too much of someone's time. I feel guilty and weird about it. I think that's why I go to writing. I write so I can be concise and say what I mean. Sometimes when I just talk I end up rambling on like an idiot or I feel my mouth moving while I'm processing information which then comes out confusing and not actually what I mean to say.

So I will sometimes just not talk about what I need to or if it's something that's been on my mind I'll say, I know you don't want to talk about this, but... When this happens with my sister she's always like, ugh, Lisa! Why do you always do this? I want to talk about what you want to talk about. And then I feel like a person again. She always knows what to say.

My thing is that Austin didn't want to talk to me about what I wanted or needed to talk about. It got to the point where I dreaded talking to him about anything, and I'm still trying to get over this fear. I felt like I didn't have anything to say because he wasn't really interested in hearing it. My needs were left unmet. And I was always the one compromising in our marriage. But I was happy to do it because that's what marriage is about, right? Sacrificing to make your partner happy?

For example, he had left the church but still came for a while longer. You could look at this as a sacrifice on his part, or you could look at this as him being a decent human and actually not abandoning his family. Either way, I guess it was something. But there were sometimes things he wanted to do or events that would come up on Sundays. Like this attorney networking family picnic. He wanted to go but it was on a Sunday, during church. Of course I agreed that it would be good for us to skip church this one week in order to make it to this event. It was family oriented and beneficial in the long run. I was a really supportive wife and I always made helping him make connections and find a professional place a priority. This often went unappreciated. I felt like I was annoying to him.

So I developed this fear. But I am realizing that it might be affecting my current relationships, however serious they may or may not be. I think it's important to keep communication open and talk about my needs. I'm the type of person who wants to make others happy and will sacrifice my own wants and needs for someone else. I've done this to a fault, and have beaten myself up when I feel like I let others down. I feel like this happens if I can't sacrifice for them.

For example, a few months ago my best friend had a friend visiting from out of town. She wanted me to meet her and share my story with her. I was invited to go out with them after another activity I had attended. I had been up early that morning and late the night before (what else is new?). I was stretched thin because of work and other commitments. I was exhausted and needed sleep. But she was counting on me. I didn't want to go at this point, but I felt I should go. I got in my car and talked with my sister on the phone before driving anywhere. I found myself sobbing and being told that I needed to put myself first (for once). So I did. I let my friend know I wouldn't be able to make it and I went home to bed.

Being able to talk about my needs or unmet needs is important, and I expect the significant people in my life to talk with me about their needs, too. Because I do want to make others happy and I do want to sacrifice for the people I love and care about. I think sacrifice has a negative connotation, but I also think it's an important form of showing pure love for others.

Christ lived His life this way. He died this way. He sacrificed His life -- the way He lived as well as actually dying -- to show His love for His Father and for each of us. He had more capacity to sacrifice than we do, and we are not asked or expected to do it at the extent He did. He wants us to be happy. Sometimes that means sacrificing for others, and sometimes that means letting others sacrifice for us.

There is Strength in Me

So last Christmas season Heidi I went to an ugly sweater party that was also a mistletoe party. It was a fun party and we met some nice people. But we both hesitated joining in on the "fun" others were having. I considered what it would be like to be like them. It wouldn't be that hard for me to just change a little bit of who I am to embrace the moment and take charge of my life in whatever way I wanted. I had to ask myself if that is really what I would want do I want to fit in with these people. Do I want to kiss some random person who happens to be standing under some dinky leaves at the same time with me? No, I do not.

I've actually thought about this a lot over the past nearly year. Not about kissing strangers, but about who I want this new version of me to be. I have a new start in a new place. With all new friends. I feel like it's a rebirth of sorts. In one way, I feel like an infant. Entering a world where everyone is already comfortable. They seem to know what they're doing and who they fit in wth. And they know each other. They share history and memories, and there's no way for me to break into that. It was scary and difficult. I had to be brave and push myself out of my comfort zone to be able to find where I belonged. I felt like I was testing out the waters. Going from one group and type of people to another. It was a journey before I found the people I felt most comfortable with.

It kind of reminds me of the stereotypical high school cliques. There are the cool kids, the nerds, the rebels, the pretty girls, etc. I didn't fit in anywhere. I sometimes heard people mention their kids and I wanted to be friends with them because I'm also a single mom and I felt like we could stick together and understand each other. I didn't know who to sit by or reach out to or talk to or hang out with. I was desperate for a group of people that I could feel like I could be close to and confide in. I had built in friends in college - they were my roommates - but now my roommates are children and I can't have other roommates because I have children and no money.

I finally found Heidi. She was not a single mom. Or divorced. But somehow we clicked and matched so well that we we became instant best friends. We were both new to this community, and we both needed a friend. We just didn't know how much. God's plan is awesome! Some of the other friends I found were people who I resonated with because I remembered who I was before I got married and I could see that person fitting in with these people. I met most of them at game nights, which is what we would do in college. My soul felt safe with them and my heart felt like I belonged. They are who I needed. And though none of them were parents or divorced, they've all been through hard things. And they've each been able to support and love me as I have for them.

I have since learned that even if all these people had grown up together and went to college together and were in the YSA wards together, they actually are each going through their own journey to find where they belong. We're all in this together. Some of them have left the singles scene and are back. That's got to have it's own sense of awkward. Some of them have been through their own hell and are courageously climbing their way back into activity. And others have been through hurt and rejection repeatedly. Well, that's probably all of us, actually.

I like the Nike slogan,  just do it. I like that it encourage you to take control of your life and make choices for yourself that are going to bring you happiness. I feel like I'm still figuring out who I am or who I want to be in this post divorce period of my life. But I like my life. It's full of possibilities. Sure some of the possibilities are hard or painful, but the potential for good things to come is exciting.

Sunday was a good day. Nothing happened on Sunday night. A bunch of nothing. But it gave me confidence that I haven't had in a long time. And it made me see the value in myself. I actually feel empowered because of the kind words that a true friend has said to me.

I am strong.

I say this with my children on a daily basis. I am strong in Christ and through Christ. I'm also strong because my choices, which are grounded in Christ. Sometimes strength looks differently than we thought. I have made choices in my life that I have regretted and because of those weaknesses I have felt the need to be strong. I don't regret the choices that I've made recently, but I do find strength in them. Sometimes I do this thing where I think I'm being strong, but really I'm putting up walls and keeping people out. I'm realizing that my natural instinct is to run and hide, so when my therapist told me that I should not run and hide I felt like he could see into my soul.

Sometimes strength comes in different ways. It comes in being vulnerable. It comes in trusting yourself and others. It comes in letting yourself be in the moment. There is strength in being able seeing myself as others perceive me. There is strength in moving forward. There is a strength in being soft and delicate. There is strength in being happy even if, from the outside, it doesn't look like my situation would allow for that.

But WHY?

In Relief Society today we talked about understanding why you do things. We watched this clip. Part of it was not new to me, but the understanding your why part was new. I appreciated it. You should take four minutes to watch it. It's better than the rest of my post anyway.



So anyway, there were a few things that came to mind for me to consider, but the lesson took us in the direction of ministering to others. So here's the thing. I've never had ministering people since they changed it over. I hear a lot of the blah blah blah crap about not wanting friends who are only there because you were assigned to them. I get it, but really, it's just an excuse to keep people out. Some of my best friends have come into my life because we were assigned to each other (I'm looking at you, Rachel, Shaelyn, and Marrie). Sometimes it's like the Lord knows what we need and who we need in our life better than we do. It's weird.

When I went through my divorce I was incredibly isolated. No one knew me. No one cared. Of course my family is a good support group for me, but my mom didn't know it was coming until he after moved out (on Good Friday). She then told my dad, my sister Kimber, and her husband. Which is good, because my daughter announced that her father got a new apartment at the Easter dinner table. She seemed fine with it. She didn't understand what it meant or why it happened. Becky knew it was coming because she's my person. I had been telling her a little about things for a long time. I had told her when we talked about getting divorced several months prior. I had told her some of the crippling things about our situation, but no where near everything. And by the time he was moving out Becky was understandably preoccupied with dating her now husband. So it was a lonely time.

I had a wall in my bedroom while I was in high school that was dedicated to uplifting and inspirational quotes, jokes, and other important information, along with pictures of Christ and a few select good looking actors. One of the quotes was a saying I both liked and really disliked:

I went out to find a friend but friends could not be found. 
I went out to be a friend and friends were all around. 

Sometimes we really need a friend. And we find ourselves alone. It might be during the most difficult period of our lives. It kinda reminds me of someone else... Oh yeah, it was Jesus Christ. You know, when He suffered in Gethsemane and then died on the cross after crying out to His Father. Arguably the most difficult period in His or anyone else's life. Also, there is no arguing about this point, it is in fact, undeniably, the most difficult thing anyone has ever endured and if you try to argue with me about it I'll probably divorce you. (wow, I'm in a sarcastic mood today. I apologize for the tone of this post.)

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? 

I currently don't have an assignment to minister to anyone specific, but I do pray to know who the Lord wants me to reach out to. A couple weeks ago I was making chicken soup for dinner. I had made way too much. As I was chopping the vegetables and adding the broth I was thinking, wow this is a lot, why am I making so much?!

When I was done and it just needed to simmer for a little while longer, I took out the trash and the missionaries were outside the door. They asked for my mom, but she had left for Utah again, so I chatted with them for a little while. I asked them if they had plans for dinner and one said confidently, "Oh yeah." The other went along with it, but looked concerned. I pressed and found out the ward had forgotten to pass the sign up around so they had planned to go home and make something for themselves. I asked if I could bring them some of our dinner, and they excitedly agreed. I stopped by the store and got eggnog and ice cream for them, too.

The other fun part of this story is that they didn't really tell me where they lived, just basic cross roads and they disagreed on their apartment number. I thought it would be easy enough to find, so I let it go, but it was not easy to find, so I just drove there. Without really knowing where I was going. I made it.

This week I had signed up to feed the sister missionaries in my mid-singles ward. I double checked with them the day before. We had a conversation about it and made a plan. So when they cancelled on me after I had prepared an amazing meal, saying they were being fed by someone else that night (and acted like I was misinformed) I was a little upset.

See, It was clearly me who was signed up.

I had all this food and no one to share it with. Like, no one, because even my kids were with their dad. I reached out to a few friends, but only one took me up on it. I felt frustrated and annoyed that my hard word was for nothing. But I found out that one of my friends that I had reached out to was having a really rough week and my invitation made a difference in her life, however small. Sometimes just knowing that someone cares is enough.

Obviously, I'm really good at this whole following the Spirit thing (So I don't think you can hear the tone of my voice when you read this, but it is sarcastic). Actually, I don't always know why I do things, but I do know I want to help people. I don't always know what that looks like, but I know what it feels like. In Sacrament meeting one of the speakers talked a lot about being a tool or an instrument in the Lord's hand. She talked about the value in extending an invitation.

Part of my why in sharing my story is so I can be that friend I didn't have. It's so that the me-from-two-years-ago people out there can know they are not alone. That there is someone like them. Rooting for them. Someone who made it through, though it wasn't the way I had planned, hoped, or wanted. It was worth it, and my life is better now.

Life is Hard

One of the reasons I fell in love with Austin in the first place was because he was such a sweet guy. He was observant of my feelings and tender to my needs. He's was kind and gentle. He's also incredibly intelligent and capable of so much if and when he applies himself. Another of his virtues is that he loves diversity and variety in culture. And now, just because he doesn't treat me with love and respect, doesn't mean he doesn't treat my kids that way and teach them to emulate those positive behavioral traits. 

I remember one day when we were engaged, I was sick, so instead of going out and exploring different parts of Utah, or just not getting to see each other, he came over and took care of me. He caressed my head gently and said sweet things to me. He let me sleep and respected me enough to just be with me.

I've been sick this week. It's never easy being sick. It's especially hard to be sick when you're a mom because you have to take care of everyone else. But the beginning of this week I didn't have my kids. And you know what, it's also hard to be sick when you're all alone. You don't have anyone to take care of you or help you (I guess I should mention I did have some help from a sweet friend who brought me cough drops and hugs).

Eva was sick on Saturday. She wanted me to hold her all day and she took at least three naps. I even held her as I worked on a portrait. I was glad to be her mom and give her the love and clam she needed to be able to recuperate. She ended up getting a blessing that night and was fine the next day, which is when I started feeling sick. I was wishing my mom was closer so she could take care of me. 

I really do have extraordinary parents. My mom has spent most of the past month and a half in Utah helping my sister with her new baby. To say she's been missed would be an understatement. It seems she is needed everywhere. 

Last night my other sister and her husband went on a date, leaving their feverish seven-month-old with me and our dad. This sweet baby is usually happy and fun, but he's also sick and like I said before, being sick is just hard. So he was a little cranky. I watched as my dad sat and held him as he quietly sang his typical made up songs to him. He hummed hymns to him. He took him to a dark room and got him to sleep. He's got this grandpa thing down. My dad is the hardest working man I've ever known. But it seems his loving kindness and gentleness has matched his strength and work ethic. 

After our morning prayer the other day, Amelia asked me what "amen" means. I told her that it means, "I agree, and that we're giving it to the Lord." She told me that her dad said it means, "I'm going to stop talking now." I thought, wow, that's disrespectful, so I talked about it a little more and we looked up the definition on Google. Then she said something that hurt my heart. 

"It's hard to know what to believe."

It was the hardest thing for me to hear my six-year-old say because of how true that statement is. I always try to talk to them about their fathers strengths and what he does know. I pointed out that there are going to be lots of things that come up that they are going to feel confused about (especially since their father and I have opposing views on so many things). And that's okay. They should ask questions and ask a variety of people whom they admire, like both parents, grandparents, Becky and Kimber, etc. I shared with them what I know and encourage them to confront the contradictory information with faith. To pray about it.

I have received comfort in trusting the Lord. He sent me these children. They are strong and capable of thinking and choosing the right. I worry a lot. About a lot of different things. Even things I can't control. But this is something I don't worry about. Even though it is one of the most important things to me. Because I know the Lord is helping me. Especially while I'm all alone.

When I was in college I would go the Provo Canyon a lot on my own to ponder, write in my journal, pray, or just be out in nature. It would help me to center myself and find peace and clarity. It would calm my nerves and it would calm my temper. It helped me to just be still. It was very healing. I really miss the Provo Canyon because it was so close and reliable. I knew I could feel close to God no matter what time of day or night it was. 

I could drive for 20 minutes and get to one of my favorite secret spots. There, I could cry, and no one would be able to see me cry. I could look at the stars and just take them in and feel small. I have always been drawn to the nights sky. I like to recognize how insignificant I am in this vast universe, where there are billions of stars -innumerable- so many that it's just more than we can fathom. But somewhere in this massive, endless space is me, and God knows me. Not only that, but He loves me, and he is aware of me and my trivial problems. Maybe that's why I've always been fascinated with the feelings I get whenever when I look at the sky.

This week I went to go to the desert to watch the meteor shower which is something I haven't done since I was engaged and even then I missed it because, well, I was engaged... Anyway, none of my friends could go with me this time, which is fine because I got to be alone. I think God wants me to be alone right now. I don't know why but I'm okay with it. Plus it let me be with nature, the sky, and my thoughts. 

In the Darkness

I keep a journal of sorts by texting myself thoughts and experiences that I have throughout my day. I've been doing this for a long time and this morning I was going back and reading through some of them. I want to share a few insights into my life from the perspective of who I was when I was going through the hardest period of my life.

September 21, 2017 at 1am

I was frozen. I stood at the side of my bed staring at my beautiful, innocent daughter. She was sleeping on my side of the bed. Right in the middle of my side of the bed. What should I do? I wondered. Considering my options: I could move her to the side and sleep in the middle by my husband - where I would most likely feel unloved and alone. Or I could move her to the middle and sleep on the side - where I would most likely feel a little alone and disconnected from my husband. But she would feel safe and happy between us. I moved her to the middle and claimed my tiny edge. I love cuddling with this angel.

September 2017

Sometimes I feel sick because I've trusted him with everything! My hopes, my dreams, my body, my heart. I really feel worthless. I thought I had finally found the guy who would love me for eternity, through ups and downs, and he has betrayed me in every way. And I still have to share my kids with him. I hate him. And I hate that I love him.

June 18, 2017

Someone bore their testimony at church today that they love this church and they have never had a greater feeling than that of being part of this church. While I agree, the opposite is also true. Being part of this church has caused more pain and heartache than I ever thought was possible.

(I'd like to mention, enduring the pain was worth it. I don't like to think about how close I got to letting go and leaving. I felt like a loose tooth, hanging on by a thread.)

February 26, 2017

I look forward to my Sunday, but meanwhile, as hard and heartbreaking as it is, my Friday is beautiful.

February 15, 2017

I talk to Him (Heavenly Father) the way I would talk to anyone else. He's my friend and as such I don't have to be nervous or change who I am to be able to talk to Him. I close my eyes and He's there with me.

October 4, 2016

If we expect to receive, we must ask.

August 7, 2016

(This was from a Relief Society lesson that came at the perfect time. I was overwhelmed with the relatively new information that my husband had left the church and I felt hopeless)

To be happier: 

1. Perspective - Keep a pebble as a pebble. 

2. Learn from others. 

3. Be grateful - focus on what you have. 

4. Compensatory blessings - when we lack in one area He gives more in other areas. I can have an extra measure of the spirit which is awesome! 

5. Creativity - being creative will help you enjoy life. 

6. Service

July 3, 2016

If I die... actually I don't want to post this one.

June 19 2016

What am I supposed to do when my husband so blatantly betrays me and follows his selfish desires over my righteous ones? I don't even know this person. He is do different from the man I married. I miss that man everyday. Every moment. I miss him. I mourn for him. I was careful in who I chose to marry. 

Why did this happen? I hate this selfish person I'm stuck with. I am in constant turmoil in what is right and best for me and for my children. Oh how I want to go back in time.

May 2016

I have never felt so alone. I feel like my dreams are being taken away from me one by one. First I lose my eternal companion. Now he wants me to get a full time job (so he doesn't have to work), so I'll lose my time with my children. He's getting to be more and more selfish and self absorbed. My heart aches and I don't know what to do.

April 2016

The Savior has marks on His body that show His love for each one of us. Likewise, I, as a mother, have marks on my body that show my love for each one of my children.

April 3, 2016

There is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored. -Pres Uchtdorf

March 14, 2016

(This was within 2 week after he told me he left the church)

There are not answers to every hard question. Inconsistencies may be evidence of a man's character or poor judgement. The explanation may not be apparent yet, but we must have faith. We must trust God. Do not dwell in darkness when you can seek for light. In time, answers will come.

I can be Strong even when I'm Weak

This has been a really rough day for me, and I woke up with allergies, which doesn't help. I feel like I'm treading water and I'm about to drown. Sometimes I get hit with a bout of depression and feel weepy. It doesn't necessarily have to do with my circumstances, but can be brought on by it. Usually it's when I'm sleep deprived.

Yesterday was a great day, full of fun, friends, and new things. I got to go shooting with one of my best friends. I went to an all day bachelorette party with some sweet women. A game night was squeezed in there, and then my bestie and I saw the movie Gemini Man which I really enjoyed. I hated the young version of Will Smith! I couldn't even look at him. I think it was mostly because we all remember what he looked like in Fresh Prince. But there were multiple parts that were basically direct quotes from my life that day. So much so that Heidi and I looked at each other with shock and amazement!

But yesterday was also weird and confusing, with emotional highs and lows. Which may be why I'm on an emotional low right now. Today was fast Sunday and I wanted to bear my testimony. I was going to get up, but I went to my mid singles ward and there were too many other people who flocked to the stand in masses.

I used to bear my testimony often. Throughout college I would get up and share the things I knew to be true. I would testify of God and my relationship with Him. I would recognize His divine hand in my life. I would speak of the fulness of His gospel, and the hope that it brought to me. But my favorite things to share about were the blessings of the temple. The peace I felt every time I attended, the spirit it brought into the rest of my life, and the questions I received answers to. I still know these things to be true. I stopped getting up in sacrament meeting while I was married and I don't know if I've done it since then. I live my testimony every day. And I love it. But you know what? It's hard to be strong all. the. time. And it's exhausting.

I want to have someone who can be strong for me when I am weak. I am strong in my faith in God, but I still have questions and doubts about things that I don't understand. Some of the things Austin told me about when we were married. It's not that he planted doubts that are going to grow into a problem, but I wonder about them. I think  that a lot of the anti stuff exmos read is mingled with truth. Some of it really happened and is hard to swallow. Some of it is merely partial truths, other stuff has been twisted while some of it is based on human expectations that do not match God's will. Still other bits are caused by human error. And some of it is just blatant lies. Most of it doesn't bother me. I can see what it is, and I can understand that God knows better than I do. But some of it lingers in my mind so that when I hear certain things it triggers a doubt or a question, which causes confusion.

For example, when I hear that I am supposed to devote my abilities to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it kind of makes me cringe inside. I don't want to do all I can for the church, but for God. And for His gospel. And while I believe that this church holds the full, true gospel of Jesus Christ, I also believe it's a work in progress. The church is run by faith and revelation. God allows humans -imperfect people who are trying as hard as they can- to run and direct it on this earth. God is not a micromanager. I've had to work for someone like that before and it sucks. I did not love that experience so much that even though I enjoyed what I did and was good at it, I couldn't continue there. I prefer to work for someone who trusts me.

I've been watching the show Person of Interest lately, and it reminds me of how the Lord sends us revelation. He will bring a person or a topic to our minds. He may repeat this along with a warmth in our hearts multiple times. We are then allowed to ponder and proceed the way we understand that we should. The Lord knows each of us well enough to know how we will respond. If we are wrong, the Lord will stop us and redirect us. We then make changes and continue on.

Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.



I'm not having a great day today. I probably need some extra prayers. I have ghosts in my life. I have hang ups. I have heartache. I feel like every time I choose someone, they don't choose me back. I'm frustrated and confused and depressed. Satan is hitting me with heavy showers of doubt in my abilities and virtues.

Depression is trying to take over my mind. I'm having all sorts of thoughts about how no one needs me, notices me, or wants me. Including my kids. Painful thoughts that are telling me that if I died and they weren't raised in the church, or had the influence of the Gospel or their mother, it would probably be better for them in the long run. Maybe Austin would even soften toward the church, and stop trying to prove that it is not true, and they could just have a normal happy life. I know this isn't true. But this is why mental health is so important.

Austin is really against the church and all that is associated with it, including me. Toward the end of our marriage he started treating me like I was in the way, like I didn't belong there as part of the family. He would take the girls to the park but didn't want me to come. It was like he thought that was his time with them. He would ignore me and act as if I wasn't there, because he wished I wasn't. It was cruel and I hated it. It seemed he thought I was an idiot and too insignificant to matter.

I would sleep in so that he could get up early in the morning and be with the girls. It allowed me stay up late and work on my art and my art business. As soon as I got up he would leave the room and not come out of the back room for hours. It didn't matter if he had work to do or not. I found myself spending the day with my kids without a husband or a partner. We were basically separated while living in the same house.

I still told Austin that I loved him every single day. And I meant it. Eventually, I had to stop. It was sometime after we decided to get divorced, but before he moved out. I stopped because he wouldn't say it back and it hurt too much to say it, mean it, feel it, but not hear it, or receive it.

After he moved out I got asked a few times when I stopped loving him. I had no answer, because truthfully, I still loved him. And I still love him, but not in a way that I want to be with him. I can recognize the good in him. I can see his potential. I can see him for who he truly is. A child of God.

I had to stop in the middle of writing this to go to a fireside. I didn't really want to go and I didn't want to stop working on this, but the thought came an hour before it started, and again a few minutes later. Then, just over a half an hour before it started I reached a point where I had a writers block and thought, "If I go to the fireside, I will be able to finish this." So I went. And I am glad did. Even though it was all about vulnerability. I guess the Lord is still wanting me to work on this.

The speaker was amazing. Pres. Joel Beckstead, a psychiatrist, spoke about vulnerability and shame, and how we can overcome our doubts and incorporate healthy mental habits in our lives.

His first point was of self love, saying, "you can only love others as much as you love yourself." But you need to love God first. When I tell my four year old that I love her the mostest, she smiles and reminds me that I love Jesus more. Because if I love Jesus the most, then He gives me more love for others, which includes myself. I know that God loves me, and because I know this, I know that I am enough. He is my creator. He has trusted me enough to go through all the hard things I've gone through. And He's proud of the way I've handled them.

This helps me to be vulnerable. Which I'm super bad at, but I guess it's an important way to be seen and heard and validated or whatever. Ugh. Sometimes we ask things like, Why should I put myself out there only to be deeply hurt by others? For me, right now, I am able to do it so that others can know that they matter. Even if I don't matter to them.

Sometimes I feel like even if I am amazing and have all the qualities someone is looking for in a partner, I'm still not enough. I am still rejected and cast aside and I have to walk the path alone for a little bit. But we must go through sorrow to know real and lasting joy. Pres. Beckstead pointed out that this is a good thing. This is the Lord's plan. It's a curvy line with ups and downs. This means that we're human. That we're alive. That we are, in fact, not alone. He talked about how the number one leading health concern is connection, or rather the lack thereof.

It takes work to be mentally healthy and I don't think that I'm just treading water and about to drown, but rather I feel like I am churning cream into butter. All of my hard work and effort isn't for nothing. It's serving two purposes. First, it's making me stronger. And second, it's changing my circumstances.

Yes, but...

It's easy to go through a breakup or breakup after breakup and feel like there's no one out there who is the one for you. Especially when the church keeps telling us that there isn't a person on earth for all of us, "some blessings don't come until heaven." Which is the most discouraging thing to ever say to a person. I got trapped in this thinking a few months ago. In college I started saying, "It's okay, Alvin is waiting for me." Because he was such a good example, supportive brother, and faithful member. Plus the actor who played him was cute.

Anyway, instead of being hopeful to find someone who will support me, love me, and want me, it was easier to tell myself that there's not a person for me here, and maybe that's not God's plan for me. I know He wants me to focus on bringing others to Him and share my story through writing and art. But I think there is someone for me. And not just after this life. I think there is someone who will want me, who will do all they can for me, who will love me with an enduring love.

Having said that, I should mention the theme of my love life lately, which is, "I like you, but I have issues." More than one person has said this to me within the past four months. Which freaking sucks to hear. It's a good thing God made us resilient. I tell my kids about how our bodies are miraculous, by divine design. God made it so that when we injure ourselves (a near daily occurrence for me) our bodies can heal, sometimes leaving scars, which fade over time. It is the same with our emotions. Our feelings can get injured, which can even leave scars, but because of the miraculous blessing of the atonement, we can be healed.

Is the Moon the Sun?

On the way home from dropping off Amelia today, Eva asked me a question that got me thinking. She asked, "Mommy, is the sun the moon, or is the moon the sun?"

First I told her that she was silly. That she was asking the same question in two different ways. "The moon is not the sun and the sun is not the moon, silly Eva. But you can only see the moon because of the sun. The sun shines so brightly onto the moon that when there's a full moon it can light up the sky."

I was rambling, but somewhere in that speech to my four-year-old the symbolism hit me and a song came into my mind.

I Am like a Star
I am like a star shining brightly, smiling for the whole world to see. I can do and say happy things each day, for I know Heav’nly Father loves me.

I thought to myself, while I have a light to share with others, it comes from Christ, the Son of God. Without Him, I would not shine. A star has its own light but the moon appears brighter than the stars because of the sun's light. Thus, the song should be rewritten to this:

I am Like a Moon
I am like a moon shining brightly, smiling for the Savior's with me. I can strive to be as kind as Christ shows me, for I know Heav’nly Father loves me.

The sun's light is always shining on the moon but sometimes the moon doesn't show it's full potential. It goes through phases. From full to gibbous to crescent to new. If it were to stop going through phases it would be because the world had ended. We, too, will continue to go through phases of spiritual strength and phases of trial and darkness. Sometimes we have more light to give. And sometimes we can barely manage a smile. But Even when we can't see the Light of Christ, know it's there as sure as the sun.

So, Eva, the sun is not the moon, but maybe the moon is the sun.