Tuesday, December 31, 2019
The Year is Dying
Monday, December 23, 2019
Christmas Letter and a Little Ditty
I've been wanting to write a christmas letter, but I didn't know what to share. It all seems too boring.
I'm still working at the Gilbert Community Center as a teacher and enjoy it a lot. I facilitated a Self-Reliance class this year to learn how to start and grow a business. I was also called to serve in the Activities Committee in my midsingles ward. I was in a Calee Reed video. I got to know Henry Ammar. I have made a lot of Art. I started working out almost everyday. I love it. I've lost over twenty pounds this year - I slimmed down and toned up. I have dated and have had the good and bad that come from puting my heart back out there. I have had to adjust to being single again (it's sucks). I am divorced and miss my kids when they're with their dad. I started therapy. I began dying my hair last year when my divorce was finalized and I really like it dark brown, but I made the mistake of going blonde for the summer. I hated it. My skin is too fair to pull it off. I much prefer the dark to contrast the pale, it reminds me of Manet. Blah blah blah. So boring.
Amelia started Kindergarten and is far beyond this level of learning. We wanted to move her to first grade but didn't end up making it happen. I wanted her to adjust socially, so she stayed put. She will likely be in honors classes later on and receive scholarships for college like her parents. She is incredibly talented and won a FIRST place BLUE ribbon at the Arizona state fair for her artwork!! Just like her momma used to <3 She loves to make people laugh, draw, pray and remind others of the good in life. She is aware of so much. It's hard to believe that such a big girl is in such a little six-year-old body.
Eva is the sweetest little five-year-old. She loves to cuddle and use her imagination. She never stops talking, and it's not usually to me. It's usually in her own land of make believe. She likes stuffed animals and puppet shows, and sharing what she learns in preschool. She knows all about different arctic animals and we love hearing about them. She is silly and smart, and kind, and considerate. If she hears of a need she will go out of her way to help without even being asked.
I love to see the light of Christ in my children. It makes me think I'm doing something right. We live our daily life centered on Christ, and love this season because it let's us celebrate Him and all He's done for us.
Not a very creative letter this year, but I haven't been feeling excited about being creative lately. If you want to revisit a letter from Christmas Past, check out this fun one from 2016.
Or if you want something AWESOME! check out this silly ditty.
You know Mercury and Venus and Earth and Mars
Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and Neptune
But do you recall
The smallest planet of all
Pluto the ninth planet
Way out on the edge of space
Is spherical and has an orbit, but
Got demoted to a dwarf
All of the NASA scientists
Gathered together to say
You're too small to be a planet
You don't dominate your space
Then one foggy year or two ago
Everyone came to say
That's messed up, right?
Pluto, everyone's a fan
We'll make you a planet again
Then all the school kids loved it
And they shouted out with glee - yipee!
Pluto always was a planet
Don't you try to change history
Forgive our voices, we were literally trying so hard not to laugh. Because we're hilarious. This was not our first attempt and it shouldn't have been our last, but THIS has gotten me excited about being creative again. We have many more parodies in the works, and big plans for this series.
I'm still working at the Gilbert Community Center as a teacher and enjoy it a lot. I facilitated a Self-Reliance class this year to learn how to start and grow a business. I was also called to serve in the Activities Committee in my midsingles ward. I was in a Calee Reed video. I got to know Henry Ammar. I have made a lot of Art. I started working out almost everyday. I love it. I've lost over twenty pounds this year - I slimmed down and toned up. I have dated and have had the good and bad that come from puting my heart back out there. I have had to adjust to being single again (it's sucks). I am divorced and miss my kids when they're with their dad. I started therapy. I began dying my hair last year when my divorce was finalized and I really like it dark brown, but I made the mistake of going blonde for the summer. I hated it. My skin is too fair to pull it off. I much prefer the dark to contrast the pale, it reminds me of Manet. Blah blah blah. So boring.
Amelia started Kindergarten and is far beyond this level of learning. We wanted to move her to first grade but didn't end up making it happen. I wanted her to adjust socially, so she stayed put. She will likely be in honors classes later on and receive scholarships for college like her parents. She is incredibly talented and won a FIRST place BLUE ribbon at the Arizona state fair for her artwork!! Just like her momma used to <3 She loves to make people laugh, draw, pray and remind others of the good in life. She is aware of so much. It's hard to believe that such a big girl is in such a little six-year-old body.
Eva is the sweetest little five-year-old. She loves to cuddle and use her imagination. She never stops talking, and it's not usually to me. It's usually in her own land of make believe. She likes stuffed animals and puppet shows, and sharing what she learns in preschool. She knows all about different arctic animals and we love hearing about them. She is silly and smart, and kind, and considerate. If she hears of a need she will go out of her way to help without even being asked.
I love to see the light of Christ in my children. It makes me think I'm doing something right. We live our daily life centered on Christ, and love this season because it let's us celebrate Him and all He's done for us.
Not a very creative letter this year, but I haven't been feeling excited about being creative lately. If you want to revisit a letter from Christmas Past, check out this fun one from 2016.
Or if you want something AWESOME! check out this silly ditty.
You know Mercury and Venus and Earth and Mars
Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and Neptune
But do you recall
The smallest planet of all
Pluto the ninth planet
Way out on the edge of space
Is spherical and has an orbit, but
Got demoted to a dwarf
All of the NASA scientists
Gathered together to say
You're too small to be a planet
You don't dominate your space
Then one foggy year or two ago
Everyone came to say
That's messed up, right?
Pluto, everyone's a fan
We'll make you a planet again
Then all the school kids loved it
And they shouted out with glee - yipee!
Pluto always was a planet
Don't you try to change history
Forgive our voices, we were literally trying so hard not to laugh. Because we're hilarious. This was not our first attempt and it shouldn't have been our last, but THIS has gotten me excited about being creative again. We have many more parodies in the works, and big plans for this series.
Sunday, December 22, 2019
Mother Like Mary
Aubri Erbe is an extraordinary person.
She is funny and talented and I'm glad she's my friend. She's the only one I can be sarcastic with during church. A couple weeks ago we were talking in RS about ways we can be truly converted. Someone made a comment about how if she wants to watch less Netflix she needs something to replace it with. I said to Aubri, "Disney+" Obviously this illustrates the quality of friend and person she is. Well today she sang a solo in Sacrament meeting and it was exquisite and divine. Her flawless voice pierced my heart and brought me to tears instantly, along with most of the rest of the congregation. She sang my favorite Christmas song: Mary's Lullaby.
The first time I heard it, well, the first time my heart heard this song was shortly after my first baby, Amelia, was born. It brought me to tears then, too. I related to Mary so deeply and I haven't let go of that connection with Her. I have spent time creating art about her and what she must have felt and what she went through. I feel like I was better able to understand her after having given birth. And I continue to learn more about her journey through my own journey.
She had to sacrifice time with her child. She had to watch Him suffer. She was supportive and remained an example to Him and those around her. She endured and encouraged and loved the Dear One. She knew He was a king when she held the tiny babe in her arms, and she was able to recognize the precious time she had with Him.
I want to be a mother like Mary. Courageous and strong. Full of faith, hope, and peace.
She is funny and talented and I'm glad she's my friend. She's the only one I can be sarcastic with during church. A couple weeks ago we were talking in RS about ways we can be truly converted. Someone made a comment about how if she wants to watch less Netflix she needs something to replace it with. I said to Aubri, "Disney+" Obviously this illustrates the quality of friend and person she is. Well today she sang a solo in Sacrament meeting and it was exquisite and divine. Her flawless voice pierced my heart and brought me to tears instantly, along with most of the rest of the congregation. She sang my favorite Christmas song: Mary's Lullaby.
The first time I heard it, well, the first time my heart heard this song was shortly after my first baby, Amelia, was born. It brought me to tears then, too. I related to Mary so deeply and I haven't let go of that connection with Her. I have spent time creating art about her and what she must have felt and what she went through. I feel like I was better able to understand her after having given birth. And I continue to learn more about her journey through my own journey.
She had to sacrifice time with her child. She had to watch Him suffer. She was supportive and remained an example to Him and those around her. She endured and encouraged and loved the Dear One. She knew He was a king when she held the tiny babe in her arms, and she was able to recognize the precious time she had with Him.
I want to be a mother like Mary. Courageous and strong. Full of faith, hope, and peace.
Saturday, December 21, 2019
Trust, Tithes, and Talents
There are likely few topics I have not heard about from the anti and exmo standpoint. I spent two years hearing about these from my (now ex) husband. I wasn't allowed to pay tithing during those dark years. This topic has been around for a long time. I don't know why it's surfacing now or why it's getting attention.
Austin told me all about how the Church has all this money. That they buy real estate and other things. And how the buildings or land that they've invested in are not used to help the saints. It's not like it's apartments that are for the poor, widows, or fatherless (hm, sounds familiar...). It's other things that don't have to do with the church.
Honestly, this never bothered me. At. All. I don't see what the big deal is. I tried sharing my feelings on the matter but it was like, my mouth would move, but he couldn't hear the words coming out. It's an investment to grow the funds and it was what Jesus Christ, himself, taught. He teaches us this principle in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14-30.
The Lord gave five talents to one, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. The first two servants multiplied what they were give and were blessed for it. The Lord is showing us that if we invest and grow our talents, we, too, will be blessed.
Of course this principle is expected to be utilized in His church. When we pay Tithes and Offerings we are giving that percentage to the Lord, and showing Him that we trust Him to use it wisely. We are giving it to the Lord, and therefore it is not ours to have a say in how He uses it. The Lord doesn't want any of His resources wasted. Remember, He can see the end from the beginning. He knows what He's doing. He has a plan.
15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.
21 (& 23) His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
The third servant did nothing with his talent, and was punished for it. He lost everything instead of gaining everything. If we do not use our money wisely we will lose it. I think of this in two ways, being idol, and being ignorant.
If you do nothing with what the Lord gives you, you will lose it. You will show Him that you care not and are ungrateful. And if you use what you're given selfishly, or in the mindset of entitlement, or carelessness you show Him that you are not able to handle what He's given you, and thus, He will take it away.
18 But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
26 His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
27 Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
28 Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
The Church has made a statement and a few videos, to help others understand, which I watched after I wrote the first part of this. I think I am a wise, faithful servant of God and I want to do all I can to help build His kingdom. This topic isn't a difficult one for me. In fact, I think it's dumb that people are making a problem out of this. It seems to me like they are just looking for something to complain about or a reason to hate. That is not what God wants or what Christ taught.
I may haver trust issues, but I have always trusted God. I know He knows what He's doing. Even if I can't understand His plan, I still trust Him.
Austin told me all about how the Church has all this money. That they buy real estate and other things. And how the buildings or land that they've invested in are not used to help the saints. It's not like it's apartments that are for the poor, widows, or fatherless (hm, sounds familiar...). It's other things that don't have to do with the church.
Honestly, this never bothered me. At. All. I don't see what the big deal is. I tried sharing my feelings on the matter but it was like, my mouth would move, but he couldn't hear the words coming out. It's an investment to grow the funds and it was what Jesus Christ, himself, taught. He teaches us this principle in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14-30.
The Lord gave five talents to one, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. The first two servants multiplied what they were give and were blessed for it. The Lord is showing us that if we invest and grow our talents, we, too, will be blessed.
Of course this principle is expected to be utilized in His church. When we pay Tithes and Offerings we are giving that percentage to the Lord, and showing Him that we trust Him to use it wisely. We are giving it to the Lord, and therefore it is not ours to have a say in how He uses it. The Lord doesn't want any of His resources wasted. Remember, He can see the end from the beginning. He knows what He's doing. He has a plan.
15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.
21 (& 23) His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
_____
If you do nothing with what the Lord gives you, you will lose it. You will show Him that you care not and are ungrateful. And if you use what you're given selfishly, or in the mindset of entitlement, or carelessness you show Him that you are not able to handle what He's given you, and thus, He will take it away.
18 But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
26 His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
27 Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
28 Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
The Church has made a statement and a few videos, to help others understand, which I watched after I wrote the first part of this. I think I am a wise, faithful servant of God and I want to do all I can to help build His kingdom. This topic isn't a difficult one for me. In fact, I think it's dumb that people are making a problem out of this. It seems to me like they are just looking for something to complain about or a reason to hate. That is not what God wants or what Christ taught.
I may haver trust issues, but I have always trusted God. I know He knows what He's doing. Even if I can't understand His plan, I still trust Him.
Thursday, December 12, 2019
Getting Drinks is different than Getting Drunk
This past weekend and week has been really good!
Over the weekend I had several parties to hop and friends to spend time with. I had work and I had church meetings. I am a member of the activities committee, under two co-chairs. Things are rearranging a little, so they are grooming me for a more hands on roll. One of the co-chairs has been out of town and the other is super busy this week what with being in love and graduating all at the same time... So they asked me to attend a co-chair meeting on Tuesday evening on their behalf.
Tuesday was a very full day. I had therapy, or as I call it, HankMed. I updated him on what's been going on in my life since my birthday. He pointed out that it sounded like the dumb guy I had been seeing was maybe getting the physical stuff from me and the emotional stuff from someone else. But I think that is not really how it was. We had been friends for a long time, and we spent so much time talking and not having the physical side for so long. Once we finally made that a part of our relationship, I don't know, I think it was well-rounded.
Later I had a psych evaluation so I can get the medication that will help me feel like me all the time, and not have to deal with the lows, and feeling alone and unneeded. That was a very positive experience.
From this appointment I had to go straight to my meeting with the co-chairs. When this meeting was starting my friend asked me to join him for dinner, and I told him I could come once the meeting was over, I didn't realize it would be a two hour long meeting, but it was necessary.
We discussed the upcoming activities and how to be better unified with the rest of the leadership of the ward. We also discussed who would be a good replacement for David after he moves to Utah. They nominated me and I accepted. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to take over after him because he's done such an amazing job. But I'm excited to have a more involved calling. It's something I've missed and I think it will help me feel like I belong.
I ended up meeting my friend afterward and he asked me to get a drink with him.
It's funny because this doesn't usually happen in our culture. We ended up sitting and talking at the bar until 11 PM. Calm down, it was at Denny's where we sipped our strawberry milkshakes. When I got home I chatted with Henry Ammar and a couple other people a little before I went to sleep.
Over the weekend I had several parties to hop and friends to spend time with. I had work and I had church meetings. I am a member of the activities committee, under two co-chairs. Things are rearranging a little, so they are grooming me for a more hands on roll. One of the co-chairs has been out of town and the other is super busy this week what with being in love and graduating all at the same time... So they asked me to attend a co-chair meeting on Tuesday evening on their behalf.
Tuesday was a very full day. I had therapy, or as I call it, HankMed. I updated him on what's been going on in my life since my birthday. He pointed out that it sounded like the dumb guy I had been seeing was maybe getting the physical stuff from me and the emotional stuff from someone else. But I think that is not really how it was. We had been friends for a long time, and we spent so much time talking and not having the physical side for so long. Once we finally made that a part of our relationship, I don't know, I think it was well-rounded.
Later I had a psych evaluation so I can get the medication that will help me feel like me all the time, and not have to deal with the lows, and feeling alone and unneeded. That was a very positive experience.
From this appointment I had to go straight to my meeting with the co-chairs. When this meeting was starting my friend asked me to join him for dinner, and I told him I could come once the meeting was over, I didn't realize it would be a two hour long meeting, but it was necessary.
We discussed the upcoming activities and how to be better unified with the rest of the leadership of the ward. We also discussed who would be a good replacement for David after he moves to Utah. They nominated me and I accepted. Honestly, I'm a little nervous to take over after him because he's done such an amazing job. But I'm excited to have a more involved calling. It's something I've missed and I think it will help me feel like I belong.
I ended up meeting my friend afterward and he asked me to get a drink with him.
It's funny because this doesn't usually happen in our culture. We ended up sitting and talking at the bar until 11 PM. Calm down, it was at Denny's where we sipped our strawberry milkshakes. When I got home I chatted with Henry Ammar and a couple other people a little before I went to sleep.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Laundry is the Death of Me
I live in a tiny house, and I have reduced a lot of what I used to own because I really want to be a minimalist. I used to be all about the free stuff and candy, and I never worked out. But it was because I wasn't taught to and who doesn't love free stuff? Me, as it turns out. I have changed a lot over the past few years! I almost never eat candy, and when I do it's not satisfying. I also work out every day.
So today, when I went to change into my work out clothes and found all my laundry in one great big pile, I was, to say the least, a little stressed.
Let me back up. Because I live in a tiny house I don't have a lot of room for laundry. My kids have some clothes in drawers and I keep some clothes in a closet in my house and I actually transformed the shower to be a tall closet where I can hang my long dresses and winter coat.
This means I shower in my parents house (which is next door) So I keep the rest of my clothes in my room in my parents house. I have several laundry baskets in different piles on the floor. One is of my clothes, another is my clean underwear, another is my kids clothes, then there's the dirty laundry, and then there's the clothes that aren't mine that keep getting thrown in with my stuff, and finally the clothes that are too small for my kids. I had it all organized, though, apparently, it looked like piles of laundry. So I guess my sister decided it was her job to go destroy my life by throwing everything on the freaking bed. Thanks.
All of my clean underwear is now mixed in with my dirty underwear and everything has to be washed and sorted all over again. Super fun surprise.
Hey, it's Christmas time, so if you want I could have her bring the joy to you, as well. Meanwhile, I'll be here. Screaming into a pillow.
So today, when I went to change into my work out clothes and found all my laundry in one great big pile, I was, to say the least, a little stressed.
Let me back up. Because I live in a tiny house I don't have a lot of room for laundry. My kids have some clothes in drawers and I keep some clothes in a closet in my house and I actually transformed the shower to be a tall closet where I can hang my long dresses and winter coat.
This means I shower in my parents house (which is next door) So I keep the rest of my clothes in my room in my parents house. I have several laundry baskets in different piles on the floor. One is of my clothes, another is my clean underwear, another is my kids clothes, then there's the dirty laundry, and then there's the clothes that aren't mine that keep getting thrown in with my stuff, and finally the clothes that are too small for my kids. I had it all organized, though, apparently, it looked like piles of laundry. So I guess my sister decided it was her job to go destroy my life by throwing everything on the freaking bed. Thanks.
All of my clean underwear is now mixed in with my dirty underwear and everything has to be washed and sorted all over again. Super fun surprise.
Hey, it's Christmas time, so if you want I could have her bring the joy to you, as well. Meanwhile, I'll be here. Screaming into a pillow.
Art Business
I haven't been making much art lately. Actually I haven't made any art in the past couple weeks. I feel like I get two things from making art:
1. I feel fulfillment and peace in my soul
2. I feel a sense of failure and a fear of rejection
I have been dealing with enough rejection lately, and I don't want to be reminded that I am even failing at what I am best at - making art.
I was recently rejected in love, and it hurt a lot because this guy was someone I would have married, but he chose someone else over me. I can't seem to get over the sense of rejection, but the constant pain and ache has subsided. I have remembered that I had interest in other guys before I chose him. I had been dating a lot, well maybe not a lot, but every week, which is a lot for me. I have to remember the possibilities ahead of me, and not focus on the fact that my heart hasn't resonated with anyone else as well as it did with him in a very long time.
I think it's natural for me to think of the men in my life who I would have been happy to (or did) marry. My mind has spent time thinking about Matt and what I wish I had done differently. I have always held back and been hesitant to come on too strong. I don't like to pry. I don't want someone to feel like I am obsessed with them. I'm a whole person and I want to be seen as such.
I tried to not do this with Morgan. I think I was somewhat successful, though I still held a lot back.
But with Matt, even though we spent two years together, I didn't push it. For example, I wanted to know more about his dad and what happened there, but I wanted him to tell me without having to pry. Looking back, I think he would have appreciated it if I had asked more questions about that. He told me when he had a dream about his dad (it was on a camping trip we took together and he spent time to write the experience in his journal in the morning). He told me about different traditions they had together. There were opportunities to ask more, but I kept my questions to myself. I wish I had been a better emotional support for him.
I miss him. I've always missed him. Even when I was married.
Usually I would make art and I would feel better, but lately I have been disappointed with my success in my Art business. I have realized that I am an amazing artist, I am not a struggling Artist, I'm a struggling Business Owner. I know where I want to be and go, I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to do it. I took one class in college about the business side of things, but they should have spent more time teaching us that we, as Studio Art majors, were actually Business majors focusing on Art.
1. I feel fulfillment and peace in my soul
2. I feel a sense of failure and a fear of rejection
I have been dealing with enough rejection lately, and I don't want to be reminded that I am even failing at what I am best at - making art.
I was recently rejected in love, and it hurt a lot because this guy was someone I would have married, but he chose someone else over me. I can't seem to get over the sense of rejection, but the constant pain and ache has subsided. I have remembered that I had interest in other guys before I chose him. I had been dating a lot, well maybe not a lot, but every week, which is a lot for me. I have to remember the possibilities ahead of me, and not focus on the fact that my heart hasn't resonated with anyone else as well as it did with him in a very long time.
I think it's natural for me to think of the men in my life who I would have been happy to (or did) marry. My mind has spent time thinking about Matt and what I wish I had done differently. I have always held back and been hesitant to come on too strong. I don't like to pry. I don't want someone to feel like I am obsessed with them. I'm a whole person and I want to be seen as such.
I tried to not do this with Morgan. I think I was somewhat successful, though I still held a lot back.
But with Matt, even though we spent two years together, I didn't push it. For example, I wanted to know more about his dad and what happened there, but I wanted him to tell me without having to pry. Looking back, I think he would have appreciated it if I had asked more questions about that. He told me when he had a dream about his dad (it was on a camping trip we took together and he spent time to write the experience in his journal in the morning). He told me about different traditions they had together. There were opportunities to ask more, but I kept my questions to myself. I wish I had been a better emotional support for him.
I miss him. I've always missed him. Even when I was married.
Usually I would make art and I would feel better, but lately I have been disappointed with my success in my Art business. I have realized that I am an amazing artist, I am not a struggling Artist, I'm a struggling Business Owner. I know where I want to be and go, I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to do it. I took one class in college about the business side of things, but they should have spent more time teaching us that we, as Studio Art majors, were actually Business majors focusing on Art.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Dear Sister
An Open Letter to the Woman (or man)...
Who feels alone and hopeless but you haven't given up hope.
Who can't speak up or reach out because you don't think you have anyone who will understand.
Who has to help plan a Valentine's day "LOVE" themed Activity while going through a divorce.
Who is not allowed to pay tithing or go to the temple.
Who feels forgotten and overlooked.
Who doesn't feel like you fit in at church or anywhere else.
Who has crumbled into a heap of agonizing pain, with shoulders shaking from heaving sobs.
Who is starved of spiritual light.
Who makes a decision everyday to hold on to the faith, even though everyday it becomes a little more difficult.
I see you.
I hear you. I know how you feel and what you're going through. Because I WAS YOU! I lived it. I survived it. You are not alone. You are loved. Even if you can't see it or feel it. I need you to know it.
You do have a support group. You do have a voice. USE IT. Reach out. If you don't feel you can tell your mom, or your sister, or your kids, or your bishop, or your ministering person, or anyone else, you can reach out to me! I will listen. I will pray with and for you. I will share my story so you can share yours.
Don't give up hope! You've come this far, hold on a little longer. I know it's hard, but it's worth it! God loves you! And He knows you and what you're going through. I know you can't see it yet, but the end of this trial is near. I promise.
Maybe I'm still that girl but now I have a voice. Now I've been liberated. I am free. And I am stronger for what I've been through. And you will be, too.
Who feels alone and hopeless but you haven't given up hope.
Who can't speak up or reach out because you don't think you have anyone who will understand.
Who has to help plan a Valentine's day "LOVE" themed Activity while going through a divorce.
Who is not allowed to pay tithing or go to the temple.
Who feels forgotten and overlooked.
Who doesn't feel like you fit in at church or anywhere else.
Who has crumbled into a heap of agonizing pain, with shoulders shaking from heaving sobs.
Who is starved of spiritual light.
Who makes a decision everyday to hold on to the faith, even though everyday it becomes a little more difficult.
I see you.
I hear you. I know how you feel and what you're going through. Because I WAS YOU! I lived it. I survived it. You are not alone. You are loved. Even if you can't see it or feel it. I need you to know it.
You do have a support group. You do have a voice. USE IT. Reach out. If you don't feel you can tell your mom, or your sister, or your kids, or your bishop, or your ministering person, or anyone else, you can reach out to me! I will listen. I will pray with and for you. I will share my story so you can share yours.
Don't give up hope! You've come this far, hold on a little longer. I know it's hard, but it's worth it! God loves you! And He knows you and what you're going through. I know you can't see it yet, but the end of this trial is near. I promise.
Maybe I'm still that girl but now I have a voice. Now I've been liberated. I am free. And I am stronger for what I've been through. And you will be, too.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Thirties, and Flirty, and Thriving?
There are a few things I have learned from being single in my thirties. First of all, things are more complicated than when I was single in my twenties. Back then life was fun and new and exciting. Sure there was heartache, but it was mild in comparison with what I've dealt with the past few years. Well, I don't know, I've had three major heartaches in my life, one was my husband, and one was Matt, who was before my husband, so in my twenties. The point I'm making, though, is that there's more history and baggage to deal with now.
There has been one major complication that I think is more common in this age group. It is something that has interfered in two of my relationships within the past year (so... both of them). I have learned that in dating in my thirties, I need to always ask a specific question early on:
"Are you secretly in love with someone else."
I was aware of the first one. I knew they had a history, I just didn't know what it was. I also didn't develop interest purposefully. He was my friend. The more I got to know him the more I saw qualities my heart had been missing in a partner for a very long time. His testimony shined through. His interests matched mine. His sense of humor and intellect were up to my standards. I was still cautious and hesitant to move forward, especially since this wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to date first thing after my divorce. I wanted to date around, kiss some guys, and make some bad decisions. This guy was no bad decision. Until he was.
The second time it happened I was blindsided. This next guy spent months showing me that he liked me and making me blush and annoying me with his attention. Once I chose to let him in he seemed to pull away. I had no inklings of another girl. I didn't know that it was a necessary question to ask. I didn't realize what was holding him back. Now I know.
Next time, before my heart gets involved, I'll ask the damn question.
I usually edit out the swear words before I publish my posts, but this really just makes me so mad. I'm annoyed that I have to deal with the complexities of dating in my thirties and I'm doubtful I will find someone who doesn't have hang ups and baggage like this and is still able to meet my needs and understand the hardship I've gone through.
I'm a really good person. And humble, too. But I really do want others to be happy. For example, there's this guy I sort of have a crush on, but I think he's secretly in love with this other girl (So obviously my type, right). I look at them and I literally predict their interactions, and I think, Why the crap are you not dating? For them, it should be easy. They seem to be compatible, why are you hesitating? Is it because you're both in your thirties and I'm guessing you've both been through some hard ship?
I am actually really happy for the first guy. I'm pretty sure he's been in love with this other girl for like three years and he's finally making it happen. It doesn't bother me to see them together. I also really appreciate him talking to me before he made things publicly official with them. He didn't need to, our friendship had basically ended, but he did anyway.
His arms were full and I offered to help him carry his load to his car. He declined but told me he wanted to clarify something he had said a few months prior (when we had stopped dating). He said that he could go on dates with me but he couldn't fall in love because of this other girl. He told me that I had done everything right and to keep doing what I was doing. He said kind things to me that he didn't have to say, but he did because, like I said before, he's just that kind of guy.
The second guy didn't talk to me beforehand. I don't know what he was thinking or why he didn't think about how it would look or how it would affect me. He did eventually reach out to explain what had happened. I think about how my life would have been simplified if he had just been up front with me. If he hadn't spent months showering me with attention and then accepting my affection. I still feel sick when I think I might have to see him again. It makes me not want to go anywhere. But I know I shouldn't live my life in fear, because that's not really living.
While I was processing this information I was feeling down on myself for having, yet again, been the person to push someone I care about into someone else's arms. I felt like God was playing a joke on me - I have felt like this before during my marriage. I felt like God was using me as a steppingstone and I was so sick of being walked on and stepped over. When will it be my turn? Do I not get to have love? Will I ever get to be chosen? I took my whiny and pathetic questions to the Lord and He answered, saying:
I have orchestrated this all for you. His pain was for you. So that you could get to know him. So that you could learn from him. You were not his steppingstone, he was yours.
I shared this with my sister who thought it was profound. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, but looking at the quality of men I have had in my life since my divorce (or even before that), I think it's going to be pretty awesome. Whether there's a man in it or not. I wouldn't say I'm thriving, but I am striving to put my trust in the Lord, and that's pretty close.
I have spoken.