Lisa Martineau
Saturday, June 15, 2024
Who Am I ??!
Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Parenting Styles
One of the most ridiculous "issues" in our relationship was our differing parenting styles. But here's the thing. I have a parenting style, he doesn't. So the fact that he let that scare him so much was really dumb, because he didn't do any research on what parenting styles are. The pros and cons of each of them. And he never tried to define what mine was or his was.
This frustrated me because for a long time he used it as the main reason why we couldn't get married. He has since admitted the true reason and has shown true sorrow and remorse. His honesty and openness recently has somehow freed me and has allowed me to talk about what I've been through.
Here's the parallel I've found. Trevor taught me how to play poker, it has become something we both enjoy. I enjoy playing passively, and have zero interest in becoming an expert, a shark, or a professional. He, however, has had a lot of experience playing. He has read books. He follows poker players on YouTube. He has taken trips to play full time. He has made a lot of money learning and developing this skill. For him, he views it intellectually more than recreationally. I have learned a lot about it alongside him. He's always had a knack for numbers and statistics, which all goes into poker. It really is an incredible and complex game.
While he has spend hours learning and studying the game of poker, and practicing what he's learned in real life, I too, have studied, and implemented all I could about being a good parent. From college courses, to online articles, to mom groups, to tiktoks discussions. I have immersed in motherhood and parenthood. I have prayed and received blessings, and counseled in therapy, and have listened to the gentle guiding's from the Spirit as to how to handle the things my kids go through.
I am a good mom.
I know what my kids need. I'm in tune with their needs. God has given me stewardship over them, and as a righteous daughter of God, and a single mom, I am empowered with the specific divine wisdom I need to raise strong, compassionate, emotionally stable, God-trusting women. I am not coddling them when I react in love or kindness. I am not being a pushover when I listen to their thoughts or feelings and have a conversation with them instead of dismissing them. I validate them and their feelings and I do all I can to meet their needs.
Kindness matters.
And the thing that really gets me is the fact that the qualities he found to be so different than his idea of what parenting should be, are the things he loved and appreciated in me in our relationship. There are no double standards with me. I'm not going to treat him with gentleness and my kids with harshness. I don't think that punishment is the best form of rehabilitation. It's obvious it didn't work for him, so why the f would I want to incorporate that in parenting my children??
I read an article recently that spurred this entry into existence. It was about a video a mom made about being raised by boomers and how she has had to re-parent herself. As a psychotherapist she learned the destructive normalities of each generations parenting styles. She talked about what was normal for millennials growing up, and the negative purpose of the consequences we had as children.
Punishment is intended to let the receiver feel hurt or pain from their poor choice.
Instead of teaching kids what is expected or how to handle or react to things, our parents would say things like "because I said so, that's why." "Go to your room." We were put in time out or spanked. Or in some cases beaten or ridiculed. Still, my generation, or at least my sisters and I, were treated like humans.
Switches or Hot Wheel tracks were used before my time. And children should be seen and not heard had been the norm not too long before that.
~~~~~
If you google parenting Styles this is what comes up:
- AuthoritarianParents are restrictive and punitive, with firm limits and little verbal exchange. They emphasize following directions and demand obedience without considering the child's point of view.
- AuthoritativeParents are firm but loving, providing nurturing, emotional support, discipline, and guidance. They encourage independence within limits, and this style is often recommended as the best modern-day parenting style.
- PermissiveParents are loving but don't exert much control, and there are low levels of demandingness. This style can be indulgent or neglectful.
- NeglectfulParents are uninvolved and emotionally unavailable, not providing emotional support or guidance and taking minimal responsibility for their children's welfare. They may be literally not at home or simply don't give their children any attention at all.
- AttachmentThis loving style focuses on healthy parent-child attachment and bonding, and is meant to help children feel secure and connected to their guardians.
- HelicopterThis variation of authoritarian parenting is when parents are overly involved in their child's life, often hovering over them to make sure they are safe. They have a strong desire to control all outcomes of the child's life.
While I have a lot of fear and anxiety about the idiotic choices and ignorant leniency of my ex-husband, I strive to allow my children to take risks as safely as possible. I have also witnessed parents of my students helicopter parent, and it was heartbreaking to see their need for control diminish their child's creativity and confidence.
I think My parenting style is a hybrid of Authoritative and Attachment and I'm ok with that.
Friday, May 3, 2024
"you carried me there"
I heard this song randomly on the radio last night and it hit me harder than I thought it would at this point. Sat in my car and let myself cry for a little bit.
Monday, March 4, 2024
Have you ever been left when you should have been loved?
Monday, November 6, 2023
Enough
I think that Trevor doesn't believe that he's good enough for me.
I don't know if it's a conscious thought or not, but considering some of his comments and choices I think there is a lot more self doubt, loathing, and low self esteem that he struggles with.
A couple years ago when he was in rehab. He grew a lot and healed a lot and study a lot of spiritually strengthening material. I was really proud of the progress he was making. I was never ashamed of him or his mental health disease. Nevertheless, when we would talk on the phone he would express a fear that I may not like him or want to be with him when he got out.
When he was released we went to the temple grounds to enjoy the peace of it and spend some quiet moments together. He asked me if I wanted to ponder there at the temple to have the guidance to walk away from him.
Both of these experiences left me perplexed. The fact that he could keep trying to be better - even in the midst of a heavy burden that takes the strength out of your decision making and sucks the literal life out of you - showed me how strong he was.
The fact that we both wanted to go to the temple to spend time with God made me feel safe and loved.
But he feared.
Feared what, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps he feared that I wouldn't love him if he didn't need me. Need me to be strong for him. To be a guiding light for him. Need me to fix him. But that is never why I loved him or chose him. Not entirely. I'm glad that I was strong enough to save him. I was the one who took care of him and monitored him when he had to detox. I was the one who broke through the door to give him CPR when he collapsed in the bathroom.
~~~~~
Then just this last week he asked me if he could fly somewhere and I told him that I had taken him off my flight benefit. He was surprised. My answer also surprised him. And disappointed him. I told him I had to come to terms with him not wanting to be committed to me anymore.
"What?!?" He protested and then asked if it was a recent realization after having spent the day hanging out by the temple?
I told him NO. and that I have been holding out hope. Praying for him to want me. Coming too close to not existing anymore. And honestly, EVERY time I have prayed about him, I get an undeniable positive feeling. I wish I could feel like God disapproved of him. It would make it so much easier to walk away.
But we have been spending time together. We've been talking and sharing. Hence his knowledge of me going to the temple. And he expressed that he thought it was going really well, not committed yet, "but I thought it was going good not bad."
I'm reteaching my brain and heart to not hope for things when I hear this. Like maybe we're on the path that will lead to that. I don't want to be on that path. That path is muddy and stickery and haunted and leads to a dead-end. I'm not interested. Nope. No thank you.
~~~~~
When we first started dating I asked him if he was going to leave me for an ex girlfriend that he was secretly still in love with. He told me no way! And that he loved me.
Well wouldn't you know it. His rebound is an ex girlfriend.
I have actually considered if I'm wrong.
I do know that the fact that he's not ready to recommit to m Maybe they are meant to be together. Maybe I was just a place holder for him while she was married.. if I believe the things God had shown me, I really don't believe that.e makes me feel like shit.
~~~~~
I want us to be committed to each other. But I don't want to get married for a long time! Unless we eloped in secret. But that wouldn't change our lives drastically. No one would know, and I would get to have a secret life like a spy. Without having to quit all my jobs and actually be a spy. I've always secretly dreamed of being a spy.
I know what I want. But I also know I want to live my life to the fullest, and if he wants to be part of it then it will have to fit in to my life. And if he eventually wants what I want, and I still want what I want now, then I will make room for him.
Saturday, September 16, 2023
Amazed
If you know me very well then you know that I sing all the time.
If you know me fairly well you would not know that.
But I was singing I STAND ALL AMAZED just now to my kids and then I told them that Jesus loves them so much that He died for them and He loves them so much that He lives for them.
"I also love you enough to die for you. And I love you enough to live for you."
And that is sometimes harder.
#depression
Friday, September 15, 2023
Letting go.
I did it. I walked away.
The first day I felt light and free. Like I finally took the step I needed to begin moving on and moving closer to God.
This week has been so hard. I really miss my best friend. I'm sad he's gone. Trevor has chosen to be someone else. He's chosen to lean into his dark side. The side that doesn't feel bad about sinning. The side that his greatest ambition is to get better at poker. The side that cheats on me and treats me like an object.
He has disrespected me and has lied to me even when asked directly.
I want the Trevor who wants to be right with God. I want the man who defends my honor and protects me from being called names even in jest.
I'm devastated that I lost him. That he's not here anymore. And I'm disgusted with who he's choosing to be.