I've been thinking a lot about mental health and the internal struggle that I go through on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I've gotten better and other days I feel like I'm the worst person in the world and I'll never get better.
Depression is a liar and at times debilitating.
The older I get the more I feel like I don't want to go outside. I feel more and more like my great grandma who was sensitive to sound and would be seemingly irrationally upset if we made sound or or just little kids in her vicinity. I feel that deeply now.
I'm crippled with anxiety.
I've always had it to some extent but I'm to the point where I don't see how it's worth it for me to put myself out there only to be hurt betrayed belittled or perhaps first of all ignored.
I am the type of person that needs purpose in my life. Not just at work, but at home, at church, and in any interaction that I have with other people. I don't like this version of myself very much, but I feel like the bright vibrant and friendly version of me has retreated so far inside of myself that I don't know how to access her anymore. And I don't see how other people would ever want to be around this timid and dull lackluster creature I have become.
There's a constant battle. A tug of war. But the person I want to be feels weaker than this person the depression has claimed and anxiety has shouted in it's cloaks.
All of that mixed with losing my grandma, who I have always admired and have been close with. Dealing with grief. And realizing that we are similar in so many ways from art and creativity to loneliness and solitude.
I know the way that she combatted those feelings, she immersed herself in community. She volunteered really cool places and spent time with really amazing people. She filled her days with friends and family and food and fun. And still she died without a partner to love her and take care of her. Even with the dozen family members she left to mourn her and miss her, I feel like she was lucky to get to not have to mourn the friends who outlived her, and the people she left behind.
The less people I have around me the less people I have to miss when they pass away, or leave for some of the reason, like moving to other states or cities. All the friends I had 5 years ago before covid shut down the entire world are gone. I am a different person now, so of course they would be too.