There is Strength in Me

So last Christmas season Heidi I went to an ugly sweater party that was also a mistletoe party. It was a fun party and we met some nice people. But we both hesitated joining in on the "fun" others were having. I considered what it would be like to be like them. It wouldn't be that hard for me to just change a little bit of who I am to embrace the moment and take charge of my life in whatever way I wanted. I had to ask myself if that is really what I would want do I want to fit in with these people. Do I want to kiss some random person who happens to be standing under some dinky leaves at the same time with me? No, I do not.

I've actually thought about this a lot over the past nearly year. Not about kissing strangers, but about who I want this new version of me to be. I have a new start in a new place. With all new friends. I feel like it's a rebirth of sorts. In one way, I feel like an infant. Entering a world where everyone is already comfortable. They seem to know what they're doing and who they fit in wth. And they know each other. They share history and memories, and there's no way for me to break into that. It was scary and difficult. I had to be brave and push myself out of my comfort zone to be able to find where I belonged. I felt like I was testing out the waters. Going from one group and type of people to another. It was a journey before I found the people I felt most comfortable with.

It kind of reminds me of the stereotypical high school cliques. There are the cool kids, the nerds, the rebels, the pretty girls, etc. I didn't fit in anywhere. I sometimes heard people mention their kids and I wanted to be friends with them because I'm also a single mom and I felt like we could stick together and understand each other. I didn't know who to sit by or reach out to or talk to or hang out with. I was desperate for a group of people that I could feel like I could be close to and confide in. I had built in friends in college - they were my roommates - but now my roommates are children and I can't have other roommates because I have children and no money.

I finally found Heidi. She was not a single mom. Or divorced. But somehow we clicked and matched so well that we we became instant best friends. We were both new to this community, and we both needed a friend. We just didn't know how much. God's plan is awesome! Some of the other friends I found were people who I resonated with because I remembered who I was before I got married and I could see that person fitting in with these people. I met most of them at game nights, which is what we would do in college. My soul felt safe with them and my heart felt like I belonged. They are who I needed. And though none of them were parents or divorced, they've all been through hard things. And they've each been able to support and love me as I have for them.

I have since learned that even if all these people had grown up together and went to college together and were in the YSA wards together, they actually are each going through their own journey to find where they belong. We're all in this together. Some of them have left the singles scene and are back. That's got to have it's own sense of awkward. Some of them have been through their own hell and are courageously climbing their way back into activity. And others have been through hurt and rejection repeatedly. Well, that's probably all of us, actually.

I like the Nike slogan,  just do it. I like that it encourage you to take control of your life and make choices for yourself that are going to bring you happiness. I feel like I'm still figuring out who I am or who I want to be in this post divorce period of my life. But I like my life. It's full of possibilities. Sure some of the possibilities are hard or painful, but the potential for good things to come is exciting.

Sunday was a good day. Nothing happened on Sunday night. A bunch of nothing. But it gave me confidence that I haven't had in a long time. And it made me see the value in myself. I actually feel empowered because of the kind words that a true friend has said to me.

I am strong.

I say this with my children on a daily basis. I am strong in Christ and through Christ. I'm also strong because my choices, which are grounded in Christ. Sometimes strength looks differently than we thought. I have made choices in my life that I have regretted and because of those weaknesses I have felt the need to be strong. I don't regret the choices that I've made recently, but I do find strength in them. Sometimes I do this thing where I think I'm being strong, but really I'm putting up walls and keeping people out. I'm realizing that my natural instinct is to run and hide, so when my therapist told me that I should not run and hide I felt like he could see into my soul.

Sometimes strength comes in different ways. It comes in being vulnerable. It comes in trusting yourself and others. It comes in letting yourself be in the moment. There is strength in being able seeing myself as others perceive me. There is strength in moving forward. There is a strength in being soft and delicate. There is strength in being happy even if, from the outside, it doesn't look like my situation would allow for that.

But WHY?

In Relief Society today we talked about understanding why you do things. We watched this clip. Part of it was not new to me, but the understanding your why part was new. I appreciated it. You should take four minutes to watch it. It's better than the rest of my post anyway.



So anyway, there were a few things that came to mind for me to consider, but the lesson took us in the direction of ministering to others. So here's the thing. I've never had ministering people since they changed it over. I hear a lot of the blah blah blah crap about not wanting friends who are only there because you were assigned to them. I get it, but really, it's just an excuse to keep people out. Some of my best friends have come into my life because we were assigned to each other (I'm looking at you, Rachel, Shaelyn, and Marrie). Sometimes it's like the Lord knows what we need and who we need in our life better than we do. It's weird.

When I went through my divorce I was incredibly isolated. No one knew me. No one cared. Of course my family is a good support group for me, but my mom didn't know it was coming until he after moved out (on Good Friday). She then told my dad, my sister Kimber, and her husband. Which is good, because my daughter announced that her father got a new apartment at the Easter dinner table. She seemed fine with it. She didn't understand what it meant or why it happened. Becky knew it was coming because she's my person. I had been telling her a little about things for a long time. I had told her when we talked about getting divorced several months prior. I had told her some of the crippling things about our situation, but no where near everything. And by the time he was moving out Becky was understandably preoccupied with dating her now husband. So it was a lonely time.

I had a wall in my bedroom while I was in high school that was dedicated to uplifting and inspirational quotes, jokes, and other important information, along with pictures of Christ and a few select good looking actors. One of the quotes was a saying I both liked and really disliked:

I went out to find a friend but friends could not be found. 
I went out to be a friend and friends were all around. 

Sometimes we really need a friend. And we find ourselves alone. It might be during the most difficult period of our lives. It kinda reminds me of someone else... Oh yeah, it was Jesus Christ. You know, when He suffered in Gethsemane and then died on the cross after crying out to His Father. Arguably the most difficult period in His or anyone else's life. Also, there is no arguing about this point, it is in fact, undeniably, the most difficult thing anyone has ever endured and if you try to argue with me about it I'll probably divorce you. (wow, I'm in a sarcastic mood today. I apologize for the tone of this post.)

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? 

I currently don't have an assignment to minister to anyone specific, but I do pray to know who the Lord wants me to reach out to. A couple weeks ago I was making chicken soup for dinner. I had made way too much. As I was chopping the vegetables and adding the broth I was thinking, wow this is a lot, why am I making so much?!

When I was done and it just needed to simmer for a little while longer, I took out the trash and the missionaries were outside the door. They asked for my mom, but she had left for Utah again, so I chatted with them for a little while. I asked them if they had plans for dinner and one said confidently, "Oh yeah." The other went along with it, but looked concerned. I pressed and found out the ward had forgotten to pass the sign up around so they had planned to go home and make something for themselves. I asked if I could bring them some of our dinner, and they excitedly agreed. I stopped by the store and got eggnog and ice cream for them, too.

The other fun part of this story is that they didn't really tell me where they lived, just basic cross roads and they disagreed on their apartment number. I thought it would be easy enough to find, so I let it go, but it was not easy to find, so I just drove there. Without really knowing where I was going. I made it.

This week I had signed up to feed the sister missionaries in my mid-singles ward. I double checked with them the day before. We had a conversation about it and made a plan. So when they cancelled on me after I had prepared an amazing meal, saying they were being fed by someone else that night (and acted like I was misinformed) I was a little upset.

See, It was clearly me who was signed up.

I had all this food and no one to share it with. Like, no one, because even my kids were with their dad. I reached out to a few friends, but only one took me up on it. I felt frustrated and annoyed that my hard word was for nothing. But I found out that one of my friends that I had reached out to was having a really rough week and my invitation made a difference in her life, however small. Sometimes just knowing that someone cares is enough.

Obviously, I'm really good at this whole following the Spirit thing (So I don't think you can hear the tone of my voice when you read this, but it is sarcastic). Actually, I don't always know why I do things, but I do know I want to help people. I don't always know what that looks like, but I know what it feels like. In Sacrament meeting one of the speakers talked a lot about being a tool or an instrument in the Lord's hand. She talked about the value in extending an invitation.

Part of my why in sharing my story is so I can be that friend I didn't have. It's so that the me-from-two-years-ago people out there can know they are not alone. That there is someone like them. Rooting for them. Someone who made it through, though it wasn't the way I had planned, hoped, or wanted. It was worth it, and my life is better now.

Life is Hard

One of the reasons I fell in love with Austin in the first place was because he was such a sweet guy. He was observant of my feelings and tender to my needs. He's was kind and gentle. He's also incredibly intelligent and capable of so much if and when he applies himself. Another of his virtues is that he loves diversity and variety in culture. And now, just because he doesn't treat me with love and respect, doesn't mean he doesn't treat my kids that way and teach them to emulate those positive behavioral traits. 

I remember one day when we were engaged, I was sick, so instead of going out and exploring different parts of Utah, or just not getting to see each other, he came over and took care of me. He caressed my head gently and said sweet things to me. He let me sleep and respected me enough to just be with me.

I've been sick this week. It's never easy being sick. It's especially hard to be sick when you're a mom because you have to take care of everyone else. But the beginning of this week I didn't have my kids. And you know what, it's also hard to be sick when you're all alone. You don't have anyone to take care of you or help you (I guess I should mention I did have some help from a sweet friend who brought me cough drops and hugs).

Eva was sick on Saturday. She wanted me to hold her all day and she took at least three naps. I even held her as I worked on a portrait. I was glad to be her mom and give her the love and clam she needed to be able to recuperate. She ended up getting a blessing that night and was fine the next day, which is when I started feeling sick. I was wishing my mom was closer so she could take care of me. 

I really do have extraordinary parents. My mom has spent most of the past month and a half in Utah helping my sister with her new baby. To say she's been missed would be an understatement. It seems she is needed everywhere. 

Last night my other sister and her husband went on a date, leaving their feverish seven-month-old with me and our dad. This sweet baby is usually happy and fun, but he's also sick and like I said before, being sick is just hard. So he was a little cranky. I watched as my dad sat and held him as he quietly sang his typical made up songs to him. He hummed hymns to him. He took him to a dark room and got him to sleep. He's got this grandpa thing down. My dad is the hardest working man I've ever known. But it seems his loving kindness and gentleness has matched his strength and work ethic. 

After our morning prayer the other day, Amelia asked me what "amen" means. I told her that it means, "I agree, and that we're giving it to the Lord." She told me that her dad said it means, "I'm going to stop talking now." I thought, wow, that's disrespectful, so I talked about it a little more and we looked up the definition on Google. Then she said something that hurt my heart. 

"It's hard to know what to believe."

It was the hardest thing for me to hear my six-year-old say because of how true that statement is. I always try to talk to them about their fathers strengths and what he does know. I pointed out that there are going to be lots of things that come up that they are going to feel confused about (especially since their father and I have opposing views on so many things). And that's okay. They should ask questions and ask a variety of people whom they admire, like both parents, grandparents, Becky and Kimber, etc. I shared with them what I know and encourage them to confront the contradictory information with faith. To pray about it.

I have received comfort in trusting the Lord. He sent me these children. They are strong and capable of thinking and choosing the right. I worry a lot. About a lot of different things. Even things I can't control. But this is something I don't worry about. Even though it is one of the most important things to me. Because I know the Lord is helping me. Especially while I'm all alone.

When I was in college I would go the Provo Canyon a lot on my own to ponder, write in my journal, pray, or just be out in nature. It would help me to center myself and find peace and clarity. It would calm my nerves and it would calm my temper. It helped me to just be still. It was very healing. I really miss the Provo Canyon because it was so close and reliable. I knew I could feel close to God no matter what time of day or night it was. 

I could drive for 20 minutes and get to one of my favorite secret spots. There, I could cry, and no one would be able to see me cry. I could look at the stars and just take them in and feel small. I have always been drawn to the nights sky. I like to recognize how insignificant I am in this vast universe, where there are billions of stars -innumerable- so many that it's just more than we can fathom. But somewhere in this massive, endless space is me, and God knows me. Not only that, but He loves me, and he is aware of me and my trivial problems. Maybe that's why I've always been fascinated with the feelings I get whenever when I look at the sky.

This week I went to go to the desert to watch the meteor shower which is something I haven't done since I was engaged and even then I missed it because, well, I was engaged... Anyway, none of my friends could go with me this time, which is fine because I got to be alone. I think God wants me to be alone right now. I don't know why but I'm okay with it. Plus it let me be with nature, the sky, and my thoughts. 

In the Darkness

I keep a journal of sorts by texting myself thoughts and experiences that I have throughout my day. I've been doing this for a long time and this morning I was going back and reading through some of them. I want to share a few insights into my life from the perspective of who I was when I was going through the hardest period of my life.

September 21, 2017 at 1am

I was frozen. I stood at the side of my bed staring at my beautiful, innocent daughter. She was sleeping on my side of the bed. Right in the middle of my side of the bed. What should I do? I wondered. Considering my options: I could move her to the side and sleep in the middle by my husband - where I would most likely feel unloved and alone. Or I could move her to the middle and sleep on the side - where I would most likely feel a little alone and disconnected from my husband. But she would feel safe and happy between us. I moved her to the middle and claimed my tiny edge. I love cuddling with this angel.

September 2017

Sometimes I feel sick because I've trusted him with everything! My hopes, my dreams, my body, my heart. I really feel worthless. I thought I had finally found the guy who would love me for eternity, through ups and downs, and he has betrayed me in every way. And I still have to share my kids with him. I hate him. And I hate that I love him.

June 18, 2017

Someone bore their testimony at church today that they love this church and they have never had a greater feeling than that of being part of this church. While I agree, the opposite is also true. Being part of this church has caused more pain and heartache than I ever thought was possible.

(I'd like to mention, enduring the pain was worth it. I don't like to think about how close I got to letting go and leaving. I felt like a loose tooth, hanging on by a thread.)

February 26, 2017

I look forward to my Sunday, but meanwhile, as hard and heartbreaking as it is, my Friday is beautiful.

February 15, 2017

I talk to Him (Heavenly Father) the way I would talk to anyone else. He's my friend and as such I don't have to be nervous or change who I am to be able to talk to Him. I close my eyes and He's there with me.

October 4, 2016

If we expect to receive, we must ask.

August 7, 2016

(This was from a Relief Society lesson that came at the perfect time. I was overwhelmed with the relatively new information that my husband had left the church and I felt hopeless)

To be happier: 

1. Perspective - Keep a pebble as a pebble. 

2. Learn from others. 

3. Be grateful - focus on what you have. 

4. Compensatory blessings - when we lack in one area He gives more in other areas. I can have an extra measure of the spirit which is awesome! 

5. Creativity - being creative will help you enjoy life. 

6. Service

July 3, 2016

If I die... actually I don't want to post this one.

June 19 2016

What am I supposed to do when my husband so blatantly betrays me and follows his selfish desires over my righteous ones? I don't even know this person. He is do different from the man I married. I miss that man everyday. Every moment. I miss him. I mourn for him. I was careful in who I chose to marry. 

Why did this happen? I hate this selfish person I'm stuck with. I am in constant turmoil in what is right and best for me and for my children. Oh how I want to go back in time.

May 2016

I have never felt so alone. I feel like my dreams are being taken away from me one by one. First I lose my eternal companion. Now he wants me to get a full time job (so he doesn't have to work), so I'll lose my time with my children. He's getting to be more and more selfish and self absorbed. My heart aches and I don't know what to do.

April 2016

The Savior has marks on His body that show His love for each one of us. Likewise, I, as a mother, have marks on my body that show my love for each one of my children.

April 3, 2016

There is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored. -Pres Uchtdorf

March 14, 2016

(This was within 2 week after he told me he left the church)

There are not answers to every hard question. Inconsistencies may be evidence of a man's character or poor judgement. The explanation may not be apparent yet, but we must have faith. We must trust God. Do not dwell in darkness when you can seek for light. In time, answers will come.

I can be Strong even when I'm Weak

This has been a really rough day for me, and I woke up with allergies, which doesn't help. I feel like I'm treading water and I'm about to drown. Sometimes I get hit with a bout of depression and feel weepy. It doesn't necessarily have to do with my circumstances, but can be brought on by it. Usually it's when I'm sleep deprived.

Yesterday was a great day, full of fun, friends, and new things. I got to go shooting with one of my best friends. I went to an all day bachelorette party with some sweet women. A game night was squeezed in there, and then my bestie and I saw the movie Gemini Man which I really enjoyed. I hated the young version of Will Smith! I couldn't even look at him. I think it was mostly because we all remember what he looked like in Fresh Prince. But there were multiple parts that were basically direct quotes from my life that day. So much so that Heidi and I looked at each other with shock and amazement!

But yesterday was also weird and confusing, with emotional highs and lows. Which may be why I'm on an emotional low right now. Today was fast Sunday and I wanted to bear my testimony. I was going to get up, but I went to my mid singles ward and there were too many other people who flocked to the stand in masses.

I used to bear my testimony often. Throughout college I would get up and share the things I knew to be true. I would testify of God and my relationship with Him. I would recognize His divine hand in my life. I would speak of the fulness of His gospel, and the hope that it brought to me. But my favorite things to share about were the blessings of the temple. The peace I felt every time I attended, the spirit it brought into the rest of my life, and the questions I received answers to. I still know these things to be true. I stopped getting up in sacrament meeting while I was married and I don't know if I've done it since then. I live my testimony every day. And I love it. But you know what? It's hard to be strong all. the. time. And it's exhausting.

I want to have someone who can be strong for me when I am weak. I am strong in my faith in God, but I still have questions and doubts about things that I don't understand. Some of the things Austin told me about when we were married. It's not that he planted doubts that are going to grow into a problem, but I wonder about them. I think  that a lot of the anti stuff exmos read is mingled with truth. Some of it really happened and is hard to swallow. Some of it is merely partial truths, other stuff has been twisted while some of it is based on human expectations that do not match God's will. Still other bits are caused by human error. And some of it is just blatant lies. Most of it doesn't bother me. I can see what it is, and I can understand that God knows better than I do. But some of it lingers in my mind so that when I hear certain things it triggers a doubt or a question, which causes confusion.

For example, when I hear that I am supposed to devote my abilities to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it kind of makes me cringe inside. I don't want to do all I can for the church, but for God. And for His gospel. And while I believe that this church holds the full, true gospel of Jesus Christ, I also believe it's a work in progress. The church is run by faith and revelation. God allows humans -imperfect people who are trying as hard as they can- to run and direct it on this earth. God is not a micromanager. I've had to work for someone like that before and it sucks. I did not love that experience so much that even though I enjoyed what I did and was good at it, I couldn't continue there. I prefer to work for someone who trusts me.

I've been watching the show Person of Interest lately, and it reminds me of how the Lord sends us revelation. He will bring a person or a topic to our minds. He may repeat this along with a warmth in our hearts multiple times. We are then allowed to ponder and proceed the way we understand that we should. The Lord knows each of us well enough to know how we will respond. If we are wrong, the Lord will stop us and redirect us. We then make changes and continue on.

Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.



I'm not having a great day today. I probably need some extra prayers. I have ghosts in my life. I have hang ups. I have heartache. I feel like every time I choose someone, they don't choose me back. I'm frustrated and confused and depressed. Satan is hitting me with heavy showers of doubt in my abilities and virtues.

Depression is trying to take over my mind. I'm having all sorts of thoughts about how no one needs me, notices me, or wants me. Including my kids. Painful thoughts that are telling me that if I died and they weren't raised in the church, or had the influence of the Gospel or their mother, it would probably be better for them in the long run. Maybe Austin would even soften toward the church, and stop trying to prove that it is not true, and they could just have a normal happy life. I know this isn't true. But this is why mental health is so important.

Austin is really against the church and all that is associated with it, including me. Toward the end of our marriage he started treating me like I was in the way, like I didn't belong there as part of the family. He would take the girls to the park but didn't want me to come. It was like he thought that was his time with them. He would ignore me and act as if I wasn't there, because he wished I wasn't. It was cruel and I hated it. It seemed he thought I was an idiot and too insignificant to matter.

I would sleep in so that he could get up early in the morning and be with the girls. It allowed me stay up late and work on my art and my art business. As soon as I got up he would leave the room and not come out of the back room for hours. It didn't matter if he had work to do or not. I found myself spending the day with my kids without a husband or a partner. We were basically separated while living in the same house.

I still told Austin that I loved him every single day. And I meant it. Eventually, I had to stop. It was sometime after we decided to get divorced, but before he moved out. I stopped because he wouldn't say it back and it hurt too much to say it, mean it, feel it, but not hear it, or receive it.

After he moved out I got asked a few times when I stopped loving him. I had no answer, because truthfully, I still loved him. And I still love him, but not in a way that I want to be with him. I can recognize the good in him. I can see his potential. I can see him for who he truly is. A child of God.

I had to stop in the middle of writing this to go to a fireside. I didn't really want to go and I didn't want to stop working on this, but the thought came an hour before it started, and again a few minutes later. Then, just over a half an hour before it started I reached a point where I had a writers block and thought, "If I go to the fireside, I will be able to finish this." So I went. And I am glad did. Even though it was all about vulnerability. I guess the Lord is still wanting me to work on this.

The speaker was amazing. Pres. Joel Beckstead, a psychiatrist, spoke about vulnerability and shame, and how we can overcome our doubts and incorporate healthy mental habits in our lives.

His first point was of self love, saying, "you can only love others as much as you love yourself." But you need to love God first. When I tell my four year old that I love her the mostest, she smiles and reminds me that I love Jesus more. Because if I love Jesus the most, then He gives me more love for others, which includes myself. I know that God loves me, and because I know this, I know that I am enough. He is my creator. He has trusted me enough to go through all the hard things I've gone through. And He's proud of the way I've handled them.

This helps me to be vulnerable. Which I'm super bad at, but I guess it's an important way to be seen and heard and validated or whatever. Ugh. Sometimes we ask things like, Why should I put myself out there only to be deeply hurt by others? For me, right now, I am able to do it so that others can know that they matter. Even if I don't matter to them.

Sometimes I feel like even if I am amazing and have all the qualities someone is looking for in a partner, I'm still not enough. I am still rejected and cast aside and I have to walk the path alone for a little bit. But we must go through sorrow to know real and lasting joy. Pres. Beckstead pointed out that this is a good thing. This is the Lord's plan. It's a curvy line with ups and downs. This means that we're human. That we're alive. That we are, in fact, not alone. He talked about how the number one leading health concern is connection, or rather the lack thereof.

It takes work to be mentally healthy and I don't think that I'm just treading water and about to drown, but rather I feel like I am churning cream into butter. All of my hard work and effort isn't for nothing. It's serving two purposes. First, it's making me stronger. And second, it's changing my circumstances.

Yes, but...

It's easy to go through a breakup or breakup after breakup and feel like there's no one out there who is the one for you. Especially when the church keeps telling us that there isn't a person on earth for all of us, "some blessings don't come until heaven." Which is the most discouraging thing to ever say to a person. I got trapped in this thinking a few months ago. In college I started saying, "It's okay, Alvin is waiting for me." Because he was such a good example, supportive brother, and faithful member. Plus the actor who played him was cute.

Anyway, instead of being hopeful to find someone who will support me, love me, and want me, it was easier to tell myself that there's not a person for me here, and maybe that's not God's plan for me. I know He wants me to focus on bringing others to Him and share my story through writing and art. But I think there is someone for me. And not just after this life. I think there is someone who will want me, who will do all they can for me, who will love me with an enduring love.

Having said that, I should mention the theme of my love life lately, which is, "I like you, but I have issues." More than one person has said this to me within the past four months. Which freaking sucks to hear. It's a good thing God made us resilient. I tell my kids about how our bodies are miraculous, by divine design. God made it so that when we injure ourselves (a near daily occurrence for me) our bodies can heal, sometimes leaving scars, which fade over time. It is the same with our emotions. Our feelings can get injured, which can even leave scars, but because of the miraculous blessing of the atonement, we can be healed.