Ecstasy

I had the opportunity to have a discussion with a few friends and the missionaries last night. We decided to read a chapter in the Book of Mormon. Through this experience I was able to feel the Lord's love and awareness for me. 

This week has been really hard. I've been sad and disappointed, and have had worries on my mind that were specifically addressed in the the words of the scriptures and by the Spirit in the room. Feelings of comfort and peace came to my heart, which enabled me to actually get some sleep last night!

One of the verses we stopped to discuss was Moroni 7:19, which says, "that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ."

One of the sisters stopped us and asked, "What does it look like to search diligently in the light of Christ?" I understood where the emphasis was in her question, but I shared my answer with the emphasis on Christ. We all have questions, or have had, or will have, and therefore, we all will experience what it is to search for answers. My point is that it matters where we look.

We can't find light if we're looking in darkness.

When Austin lost his testimony -- or rather, when he put it down, since it was a choice he made. He didn't misplace it or have it stolen, but he decided that he didn't want to hold on to it any longer -- he searched for answers in new and different places. One of these was a youtube channel by an atheist who interviewed people he met on the street, of any faith, about what they believed. When Austin would show me some of these episodes I felt that the host was trying to plant doubt in their minds. Whether it was a woman who felt God's love when a bird would come, or a man who understood that there's a higher power or force in the universe, or even those who believe in multiple gods. 

To me, these all testify of God. That there is a God. Other religions or people understand or interpret it differently because they may not know what to call it. I think of the Articles of Faith. 1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I trust the Lord and believe in Him. I am constantly turning to Him for answers. Austin, however, turned to an atheist for answers. While he considered other beliefs, like becoming Buddhist, in the end, he settled on being atheist. Which is the source he turned to for answers. 

In times of darkness, I turned to God. I turned to the light of Christ. I never stopped praying for help and answers. And I continued to search the scriptures. When Austin would share the anti-mormon or atheist stuff with me, I could feel a darkness creep in. It was like he would leave a wake of shadows behind him. I could even see a difference in his countenance. There was no longer light in his eyes, but then, that had left the moment he turned off the light switch of belief.

I remember coming home from work. Tensions were high, and I felt nervous going home. As I would open the door and walk inside, the very air felt heavy. It was like going into a battle ground, having to trudge through spiritual debris. I never knew what I was going to get, if it was more information about why the church must not be true or if it was contempt because I got home just before the girls were asleep. In which case, they were always excited I was home and wanted to hug me. This would make him so mad. I think he was jealous because they were never as excited when he came home. Sometimes I would try to sneak in and be super quiet so none of them would know I was there. But it broke my heart because all I wanted to do was hold my little angels and be welcomed home.

Every day he would drop shadows around me by telling me the things he learned on the internet.
"Oh, did you hear about... well, you probably don't want me to tell you this..."
"What?" I'd say, helplessly. Trying to keep conversation with my husband open, but not really wanting to discuss what he found.

He'd then tell me about a scandal by a mission president or an ex-mormon who used to be a stake president. He would try to convince me the church wasn't true by telling me about all kinds of things from gay right issues to how he thinks tithing is done wrong. There was always something to complain about. There was always hate to spread. None of this convinced me the gospel wasn't true. It did show me that people can make bad choices. Even people who seem infallible can make mistakes. I can recognize that nobody's perfect and that we're all human. I believe that God's ways and understandings are higher than mine and that I don't have all the answers to the questions posed, but God does, and I trust Him.

Isaiah 55
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

There's a sculpture by one of my favorite artists, Bernini, called The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa. It's beautiful with delicate features. When I learned about it in my art history class with Brother Gough I was impressed with how powerfully it conveys emotion. The word ecstasy means to experience both pleasure and pain simultaneously.

The sculpture depicts a vision St. Teresa had and recorded in an autobiography. She says an angel appeared and was holding a golden spear with glowing fire at the end of it. He then thrust the spear into her heart, causing excruciating pain, but upon removal there is left a great love of God. She said that the sweetness of that love couldn't allow her to wish the pain away. Because the pain was now spiritual. 

What pain do we go through to know God better? To feel His love for us? Surely, we are not pierced in the heart repeatedly with a red hot spear, but we may be pierced in the heart in other ways, leaving a burning in us to do the Lords will. 

I have been feeling a pain in my heart this week. But I know it is in part because I followed the Lord's commands, and therefore, I feel great joy and I wouldn't change that. It's my own personal ecstasy. I want the Lord to know He can count on me no matter how hard it is for me. Because anything worth having or doing doesn't come easily. It comes with hard work. Tears. Sweat. Courage. Prayer. Trust. And help from the one who loves us most, our Father in Heaven.

Following the Lords Commands

I have had some things pressing on my mind for some time now. I feel like the Lord has told me to do specific things that will have positive repercussions and great impact. I feel an urgency in doing, and obeying. But it is also really hard because it involves being incredibly vulnerable.

One of these tasks is to write down my story. Back in November I attended Time Out For Women and received powerful and undeniable revelation. I could feel the Lord physically touching my head and I could hear Him telling me what I had to do. I have been writing impressions and things down ever since then. Actually even before then. But I need to write it into a book and I don't know how to do that. I like writing my blog, and feel I have found my voice in this platform, but a book intimidates me. I do feel like that's what I need to do, though, so that I can share my story with others who need it!

I tend to think and feel deeply. I like sharing my thoughts and am glad to have learned to keep a blog in a BFA class with Cassandra Barney. In college, I would share my testimony and make comments at church often. I never fully formed what I would say before I raised my hand, however, which usually resulted with me ended with the word "so..." and a shrug, implying, "so... you can connect my comment to the lesson." Which is why I now usually text myself my comments and then sometimes make a blog post out of them.

Another task the Lord wants from me is even harder. It has more potential to hurt me. It effects my future as opposed to dealing with my past. It doesn't make sense to me why it's so important to the Lord that I do it, since it's only going to effect one or two people. I want to do it, but fear gets in the way. And then guilt when I don't.

Monday night I had a dream. It was significant and I have written it down in a private journal so I can remember it. I also told Becky about it on Tuesday morning and expressed to her that I thought it was revelation from the Lord, addressing my concerns and answering my prayers. Later I opened an email from Deseret Book which was promoting a book called Dreams as Revelation. This further confirmed my interpretation of my dream. And I recognized it as a tender mercy, even an email from my Heavenly Father.

I attended the temple three days in a row this week and it was wonderful!

I wanted to go on Tuesday morning because that is the first time it was open since last weekend when I didn't get to go. So I did the 7AM session on Tuesday morning. I love starting the week in this way. The peace I felt about how I feel and how I need to move forward was reassuring and comforting.

Wednesday evening my ward had a temple trip that I also went to. I love the spirit there and wouldn't turn down an opportunity to be there. This time, however, was a little more emotionally difficult. My heart hurt a little as I watched the witness couple and the prayer. It made me think about the good man I married. Sometimes I miss him. It hits me sometimes in the temple. We used to be asked to be the couple, and it is a special thing. I miss participating as much as I used to be able to. I miss sitting next to someone and quietly discussing the impressions we each received. Still, I did receive impressions and learned a little more about the Lord and His plan.

Then, on Thursday, as I was enjoying my time with my children, Heidi told me she was having a rough day (one thing after another, her burdens seem to be piling up!) and would be going to the temple to do Initiatories. I asked if she wanted me to join her, and she said yes. When we met up I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "Pretty good, but I hurt my shoulder trying to open a jar of salsa." I couldn't help but laugh. It was too funny of a thought. She laughed, too. We had a lovely time. For the third day in a row, I felt confirmation, while in the temple, that I need to proceed with the command the Lord has given me. Notice I didn't say how. I still don't know how I am to proceed.

Last Sunday a sister gave a talk in church and told a story about how she had to move away from her friends, but she told them she would write them letters. So she wrote a letter to a certain friend telling her all the things she loves about her. The letter sat on her desk for three days and she saw it before getting in bed but thought, "oh, I need to get that out, I'll put it in the mailbox tomorrow morning." But then, recognizing that she would forget by then, she did it right away. Three days later she got a call from this friend telling her she just got her letter. She expressed gratitude for it and told her she was about to end her life but had the thought to check her mail before. One, seemingly small and insignificant act, made a huge difference and impact in the life of another. A week before this talk I wrote a similar letter, never intending to actually send it. It made me think of one of the tasks the Lord has asked of me.

Never suppress a generous thought.

I have tried to live my life by this phrase by Camilla Kimball. Whether it was calling my cousin while walking on campus, sending an encouraging text message to my friend before an important meeting, or complimenting a strangers earrings. You never know what someone else is going through or how your words or actions can effect them.

All of these things were coming at me, pointing me in the same direction. But I still can't see why it's so important or why the Lord cares this much.

I was listening to conference talks as I was setting up my classroom on Saturday. I had the impression I needed to reach out to one of my friends. I was like, okay, but what can I do for her? My mom happened to have a wedding that day (she's a florist), and was sure to have some leftover flowers. So I texted her to ask if I could use some (and so I wouldn't forget by the time I left work). I messaged my friend, asking how her day was going in specific terms. She replied a while later, but by that time I was busy with other plans, so I told her I had something for her, and asked if I could bring it to her the next morning. She said that would be perfect.

My other plans were to play Super Mario Bros with Heidi and David. Heidi was in even more pain at this point and asked David for a blessing. He was willing and able at a moments notice. Which is actually an extraordinary quality that we take for granted in our culture. Another brother came to help and I was grateful to have access to the priesthood power.

Last night Henry Ammar gave a fireside. He's truly an amazing human being. It's like he is running around in a giant hamster ball made of the Spirit, bumping into people sharing light and knowledge as he goes along. I admire him greatly and am grateful to know him. Throughout his talk I felt the Lord speaking to me, directing me in a clear way. Henry basically quoted thoughts I have had and things I have read over the past month and I was shaking from the inside out during his talk. When he finished, he said, "Always follow the Spirit." And it hit me to the core. I told the Lord at that time that I would do it at my next opportunity.

I wanted to talk with Henry after the fireside, but I couldn't stay. The spirit was telling me to run to my car and go! I obeyed. I didn't actually know where I was going. The urgent feeling was resolved when I got to my destination. I was confronted with the adversary, and I thought, "I can't do it with this obstacle, it's too hard." But then I realized, it's not about me. The Lord needs me to follow through no matter what. And I must obey. I don't know if it is because it will save a life, or if it will make me happy, or if it is just to see if I will obey all the Lord asks of me. I just know I have to do it.

So...

"You are Alone"

"You are alone" Satan tells me this all the time.

I feel like this is where satan hits me the hardest. I actually don't remember hearing this when I was going through my lowest point. When I was married to someone who had been my best friend, but had become as distant as a stranger. After he told me he didn't have a testimony any more and to not hope for him I fell into a depression. I felt alone, and knew that I was. Austin had his exmo (ex-mormon) community on reddit that he could talk to about what he was feeling and experiencing. He no longer needed or wanted me or God. I had no one.

There wasn't an exmoso (ex-mormon significant others) group on reddit, trust me, I checked. I almost started one myself, but didn't know how to find the other group members. I didn't know anyone else who was going through what I was going through and it was SO HARD. I was suffering silently. I could relate to the widows in the ward, but didn't look like one from the outside. I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I felt more alone than I ever had. I felt like one of P.T. Barnums 'freaks'. I would say things that one friend finally picked up on and she pried her way in to my secretly dark life. I will forever be grateful for her!



Soon enough I was able to get divorced and the massive burden was lifted from my exhausted and aching shoulders. I was now allowed to speak about what I had gone through, or at least some of it. I still haven't shared everything, even with my closest person (Becky).

I finally felt free and light again.

The first time I recognized hearing satan's lie, "you are alone" was during Henry Ammars talk, back in February, when I was sitting with my friends. But it has happened since then, too. In fact, it happened as recently as two days ago. I was sitting in a room filled with my friends watching a movie. I felt a shrinking feeling and thought, "I'm alone." I couldn't take it any longer and had to leave the room. I had only had maybe two hours of sleep the night before because my mind wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about a boy I have feelings for, I was thinking about a show I watch with my best friend, I was thinking about work. I actually got up to draw some pictures and create a couple handouts for a class I hate teaching. And now it's causing me to lose sleep?! I wont be teaching this class again.

Anyway, my point is that I was severely sleep deprived and over-worked. My mind was weak and it believed the lie this time. So I left the room to cry in the bathroom. Once I was able to compose myself I returned and finished watching the movie, but when I left the activity I had another breakdown in my car and realized something. I am mourning a breakup that hasn't happened yet. While crying on the phone to my sister, she assured me that my feelings are valid, told me to go home, listen to a meditation track, and get some sleep. It worked. I was able to sleep and get to work on time the next morning.

While I enjoy my Saturday classes, I was looking forward to getting done with work so I could go to the temple! For some much needed spiritual rest. This week has been a draining one and I kept thinking, "Get to the temple!" Because I don't have my kids on Friday or Saturday, I will usually go to the temple, unless I have a date, an appointment, or an activity. So it was my plan all week to go on Saturday afternoon.

Unfortunately, I was experiencing dizzy spells all day. While teaching my first class (sitting down), my second class (standing and teaching about knife safety), on the way home (driving), and I even fell against my wall when I was walking to my bedroom. I thought to myself, I need to lay down for a minute before I can go to the temple. But the room didn't stop moving and I realized something was wrong. That I was not okay. I felt serious vertigo even while laying down, and couldn't turn my head without everything sloshing around me. I did get a blessing. I didn't get to go to the temple because I wasn't able to drive myself there. And even if someone had taken me, I might have passed out while there. So I had to rest. And I was angry about it.


I have learned I MUST take care of myself. This means I need to get enough sleep, attend the temple regularly, drink enough water, exercise regularly, and fill my mind with good. And sometimes I have to adjust my plan to the Lord's plan for me.

When I finally stopped feeling so dizzy I was able to go to a swim party I had mixed feelings about. I had been looking forward to it for the most part, but I also wanted to stay home and be alone and not see anyone, especially the person I wanted to see most. I know it doesn't make sense.



In the end, I had a wonderful time. And I'm glad I went.

My daughter will draw cute pictures and then sometimes she adds wind to it. Which means scribbling all over it with the same pen she used to draw the good stuff. It makes me wonder about how we lose ourselves in the storms of our lives.

If I hadn't pushed through the dark feelings I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the light and realize that
I AM NOT ALONE! and neither are you.