Hope for eventually

I was asked every month last year if I was pregnant. 

January, fifth Sunday, a woman I've spoken to a few times asked me a series of questions leading up to when I was due. I said, "I'm not pregnant." She asked, "Were you?" As if that was okay. If I had miscarried I would have probably been in tears or already fled from the room. I said, yes, twice, referring to my two daughters. She said someone told her I was but when I asked who she couldn't remember. No apology. I should have slapped her.

A couple months later it was a student in my cooking class. She looked at my belly and asked if I was going to have a baby. (I have lost weight since my husband moved out. My stress level has gone down significantly!) I said no and told her not to ask that question. When she asked why and I told her it was rude.

Another month someone called me on the phone, when I answered, she asked if i was pregnant.

Sure, these might be funny anecdotes (some day (someday never comes)), but in the moment, it really hurt. It's not just that it sounded like, "you look fat" in which case, why isn't the question, "Do you want to go get ice cream?" Because 9 times out of 10 it's probably because I'm bloated due to that time of the month.

Let me explain to you why this is SO inappropriate. 

First of all, it's none of your damn business wether I'm pregnant or not. If you didn't put it in there you don't get to ask. Period. 

Next, instead of asking me about me and the actual crap I was going through, you're asking me about something irrelevant. I was living with a huge trial. My husband became an atheist and started treating me poorly. Someone I had once trusted with everything. My hopes, my opinions, my dreams, my body. He betrayed me and God, and you're asking me if I'm pregnant? If you don't know me well enough to know about all my other crap, you don't need to know whether I am or not. Or if I don't know or care about you well enough for me to tell you when I am pregnant, you don't have any right to ask.

Finally, I have always wanted a big family. Give me all the babies! When it came time for us to start trying for another baby, he told me he didn't want any more children. And he threatened to be snipped. My heart is already broken because I'm not pregnant. Please don't bring it up. If you have to ask if someone is pregnant you don't know why they may not be. Infertility, abuse, miscarriage, marital problems, no desire, other priorities, any of these can go into that decision. Asking that question can be hurtful in so many ways. Just don't go there.

Elusive Happiness

I'm a little lost right now. I used to be happy. I used to feel lucky. I used to think my life was perfect, and yet I felt this impending doom. I looked at my sisters who are amazing women and I would think how unfair lives are. How I had everything, and they were each deprived of what their hearts most wanted. In short, to grow their families, respectively. 

Now, they are doing it and my life is falling apart. My husband left me (and God and our shared beliefs). My kids are still wonderful, but my hopes and dreams for a big happy family are dwindling - with no real prospects of ever changing. I am looking at moving into a trailer - like, to live in a trailer... on the side of my parents house.
yeah. 

In the mean time my younger sister and her husband are building a mansion and my older sister is getting married. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for both of them! But when it's pushed in my face so much all together I really just want to run away. But I can't, because I am stuck in Arizona, a place as hot as H E double hockey sticks. I did try to escape for a weekend, to Utah, to see my best friend (my sister). 

Utah and Becky are two things that make me feel safe and like I'm home, but this visit was very different. I did not feel at home there at all. I felt lonely. I felt ignored and unimportant. I felt out of place and guilty for leaving my kids a few hours early. I missed Kimber. I wanted to reach out to friends there, to talk with them about the hard time I've been going through, but felt like I couldn't because right now it's not about me. It's about Becky. 

Even though she acted excited for me to come visit and get to know her fiancé better, she left me feeling unwelcome. She couldn't leave him early for even one night so we could have a real conversation. And at a convention we all went to I was alone most of the time. It's discouraging to have your best friend ignore you as if you're not there. But even more than that, the mountains in Utah used to bring me peace and hope. This time they left me feeling homesick and anxious. 

I am happy, because I choose to be happy. But it's a lot harder. It doesn't always come naturally. I have to really work for it.  I don't know where I belong. Where God wants me. What His plan is for me. I find myself missing people I used to know (as in see regularly). Good people who I cared about. Who were true friends to me. These few people who have been on my mind lately have character that I admire and I want to emulate. 

It has been easier to be happy lately in comparison to the passed two years, while I was going through a silent hell. What with my best friend (husband) leaving the church and becoming an atheist and breaking my heart over and over and over again. Who knew your heart would beat even after such a beating. After living in darkness for such a long time I feel free and light. It's a relief! In that way it is easy to be happy. I try to focus on the good things in my life. 

The friends I do have and can count on. One friend just had a baby and still invited us in to play and chat. She is a huge help. She is so supportive and seems to actually care about me. I'd call her my best friend, but I'm not that bold. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to vent about my favorite people (and least favorite). I do need to say, though, that I have felt strengthened from the prayers given on my behalf. Like, I was held up by an unseen power. So thank you if you were one of those people.

What Just Happened?

Yesterday I was sick all day with some kind of stomach bug. YUCK! My mom and I both had it and knew if it persisted through today neither of us would get to go to church. Thankfully, we both woke up feeling much better, not 100%, but able to put on a dress and sit for three hours.

I got up early, prayed, got ready, and went to pick up my kids. We went to church and had a nice time. It's fast Sunday, so we got to hear a bunch of testimonies. I enjoyed it a lot. I taught the lesson in CTR 4 about knowing that Jesus Loves Me, and each one of us. Before I started I took the opportunity to share my testimony with my class. I testified of the power of prayer and the truth that God is there and hears us. He inspires us. He wants to help us. I told them about an experience I had yesterday with my cousin. She has been visiting for a little while and yesterday she was flying to California for a job. It was about a half an hour before she was supposed to leave and she could not find her phone. We looked everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! and it was no where to be found. Finally, my mom said, "okay, we've put in our effort, it's time to pray." She prayed and as soon as she was done, my dad saw my cousins bag on the floor and suggested we check it. She had already checked there, but she did, and pulled out her phone! 

God answers prayers.

After church we walked outside around the building to our car. We got in and buckled. Part of Eva's buckle was bothering her so I pulled into a space by the exit of the church parking lot to adjust it for her. I got back in and slowly backed up, waiting for other cars around me. I went to the driveway and I was going to turn left, so I could drive down the street I live on, but then I had the thought, I should just go out to Lindsay, I need to take my kids back to their father right now anyway. 

So I turned right. 

I stopped at the light, glanced right, looked left. Traffic was clear so I proceeded to turn right. Then a loud sound happened and a guy was rolling off the hood of my car. He was yelling and swearing, and I felt terrible! I got out, and already Brother Clouse was there, taking care of the guy, calming me down, and directing me where to move my car. Other loving ward members came to take care of me. People who witnessed the accident reassured me that it wasn't my fault. The guy dislocated his shoulder and was taken away in an ambulance. He was walking and was shaken up. He also had a backpack with him that the officers went through, finding at least a couple of women's wallets/purses. I know I heard the officers saying they were going to run the bike through their system.

The guy got a ticket for riding his bike on the wrong side of the street. I did not get a ticket for anything. The officer told us (me, and the small group of people who stayed with me), that I did nothing wrong and that I didn't hurt him, he hurt himself. 

I know it's terrible, but I feel like I was supposed to turn that way at that time. Even though it wasn't habit. Normally, I would have gone a different way, but this time I turned right, and stopped someone who likely had stolen from others. I hope he's okay, and I hope this is the end of it for me. But I also hope that the valuables that were found in his backpack get back to their rightful owners. I didn't want to help catch a bad guy. But I wasn't going very fast. 

While it was traumatic for all involved, hopefully it will turn out to be a blessing. The sisters who stayed with me told me I can use this experience as a teaching example. Why we should follow traffic laws. Why we should wear a helmet. But I also think it will be helpful to illustrate these principles on a spiritual level. Why we need to put on the armor of God and follow the commandments. 

Why we need to choose the right.